Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

dragonlady2865

Contributor
  • Posts

    8
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by dragonlady2865

  1. Last nite I had a bit of a start. I had gotten my xmas stuff out so my roommates could use it and when I opened one box at the bottom was a lone card. When I opened it I found it was from my mom2 and dad. It was such a shock that I totally lost it. I was so upset I was physically ill. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I now have it but the shock of finding it and the emotions that flowed was very over welming. I'm haveing problems learning what my emotions are and I felt so many different things and I have no idea what any of them were. Growing up in my home there were only 3 emotions that were ever used....anger happiness saddnes. And being chronicly depressed I have very low self esteem so growing up I only knew those three. I know there are emotions and I know there names but I don't "know" or understand what they are and what one feels when they have them. Does that make any sense? And this weekend I have to face and deal with more xmas. The little guy ( my roommates son) wants to sleep in aunt chris's bed and watch all his xmas cartoons with me. I couldn't bring myself to say no, so tomorrow nite I have to put on a happy face and pretend to enjoy. Who knows I might actually like watching them this year. Every day it seems to take more and more just to get out of bed. And the nites seem longer and longer. I have had some people tell me that I don't have any right to feel like this because she was only my step mom. But she was more then that to me. She wasn't my step mom she was my mom. Not to mention my best friend and confidont. I think one of my favorite things someone said ( favorite in stupidist) was get over it all ready dead is dead. Every time I've heard that it feels like a slap in the face. Well I've taken enough of your time with my rants.
  2. Thank you everyone. You have definately helped. I am so thankful that I stumbled into this web site. It helps to be able to talk or rant or rage and everyone understands. And I am able to learn from a real survivor. So again thank you all. And it was oct 16th that she passed away mlg. So yes it is still very recent. My prayers ( for what few I offer up daily ) are that we all get pass this holiday with out to much hurt.
  3. Last nite my roommates put up their christmas tree. I knew it would bother me but I didn't know it would bother me this much. I saw it up and I got so mad at mom2 for giveing up and leaveing us and not being here to make another christmas special. But I had to put a phoney face on because of the little guy even though I was being torn apart inside. On top of the anger came such a sadness and guilt because I was so mad at her. It was the longest nite of my life between the anger and sadness and the guilt I was wishing to just curl up and leave this earth. How can I be so mad?? She's gone and deserves to be remebered and hounered not haveing something being mad....furious at her. I know anger is one of the "steps" of grief but I shouldn't be this mad for so long. How can I dishoner her like this? I'm a rotten daughter. I just want to be with both my mom's. I don't want to celebrate this holiday. I'm only pretending for the little guy's sake and even that seems almost impossible. I don't think I will make it through it. I opened one box that had some of my christmas stuff in it and found a single card in there from my dad and mom2. I totally lost it. I didn't know I even still had it. It was a shock. I was so upset I made myself physicaly sick. I miss her so badly. Thanks for listening folks to my rambleings.
  4. It's been just over a month since I lost mom2 and I'm still not dealing with it very well. You would think of all people my family would understand this. No such luck. Just the other day I was talking to my one sister, the oldest, and she was telling me that I should be fine now and not let it bother me. After all it's been a month. And then she said the one thing I was afraid she would. Well she was only after all our stepmom. It felt like she slapped me in the face. Only our stepmom! She was more then that to me. She was my mom. And just because she is over it she thinks everyone else should be. I mean am I wrong for still being all messed up? Am I over reacting? If I am then I am sorry but I have lost two mothers. And on top of that about a month before she died I had just been made to realize I hadn't delt with mom1's death or my brothers and so on so I had just started to deal with mom1's when mom2 died. So here I am haveing everything every feeling doubled. The ache, the pain, the grief and what ever other feelings are there. I can't even begin to know what they are. Growing up in my family we had 3 emotions ....anger, happiness, sadness. I honestly do not know what the others are. I have had some feelings I can't give a name to. To hear other people name off things they are feeling I sit here and go what's that, or what's that feel like. It's all new to me. I feel so mixed up. And it's a very scary thing to experience feelings and not know what they are. I feel like a complete idiot when I have to say I don't know what feelings are. I'm sorry for going on like this. I just feel so alone and isolated like I'm the only one who still cares for her. Thanks for listening guys.
  5. allalone: Just a short note on road side memorials....my nephew perished in a snowmobile accident 3 years ago this christmas and I know the site where he died we renamed the street in his honour. It's a back road so it didn't take much clearence. And it is another way for those of us left behind to go and be with him there. I hope this helps.
  6. Thank you evryone: You have all been so wonderful. It just seems like there is no end. I fear every time the phone rings that it is my sister with more bad news. I literally freeze and let the roommate answer and just sit and hold my breath until I know who's on the phone. I do have resorces of people I can call. But I always feel like I'm bothering them. So in my most tough times I curl up under the blankets and just pray it will pass because the other choice isn't a good one I know. Again thank you everyone
  7. Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. This Sunday makes it one month since I lost mom2. I can't believe it's been that long. It seems like yesterday. I guess things are just sinking in. I haven't been out of the house in a week I don't even want to get out of bed. It's a fight every morning and half the time I lose the battle. I don't even care if I get dressed in the day time any more. I've been in my pj's for 4 days. I just can't do it any more.
  8. I hurt so bad. My mom passed away Oct.16/08. Actually she was my stepmom but the step got dropped after my mom died. I have been very blessed because I did have two moms in my life. It was like God took one and gave me another one. And it's not fair. He can't have them both. I want her back. I am so confused. I never delt with my mom1's death from 21 years ago and had just started dealing with that and now mom2 is gone to. I hurt so bad. I'm not sleeping or eating. My dad is so saddend that he allowed my mom2's brother to come in take over. She didn't want a funneral just a cremation and burial with a family thing later. But good old "uncle" Ed came in and now we have a funneral on Tuesday. I can't do this again. And I don't get a chance to say good bye because she has already been cremated. When I heard about the funneral I was upset because it was against her wishes. But finnally decided to accept it because it would be a way for me to see her one more time, hold her hand and kiss her good bye. I saw her last in Jan. but spoke to her just last week. I had wrote a letter whi9ch I was going to put in casket with my personal copy of her favorite book. And then my dad broke the news that she had already been cremated. Now I can't say good bye. It is all so unfair. I want her back. I can't do this without her. Life is not worth the liveing now. I will wait and stay for my dad but when he leaves this earth it will be my time to. I don't want to go on. Sorry for the ramble but I'm hurting so bad I can barely breath. I just don't know what to do.
×
×
  • Create New...