Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Eleanor

Members
  • Posts

    1
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Eleanor

  1. Hello, I am new here, my mom passed away 7 months ago, it took me all this time to come here because I wasn't sure if I should. I have been playing with the idea of couseling but like everyone, I didn't think I needed it but I knew some where inside that I did but I wanted to start some where and I thought that this was the place. I am the youngest daughter and we were very close, I mean I called her every night just too see how she was doing, if she needed anything or if she wanted to come over just to spend time with her. Everything happened so fast, she was in the hospital then she wanted to come home with me and my family. My siblings were no help at all they fought me the whole way even said something about laywers but I wanted to do what she wanted...every last wish, I did for her...everything! Because she gave me everything life, love, a friend, advise, everything. So, she came home with me, I gave her my room, I tried to make her feel comfortable, even gave her my night gown. All she could think about was everyone else she worried about my boys, me, my brother and of course my many sisters but I told her hubby and I would help my brother and not to worry about my boys because I would take care of them too and that I would be fine. ( of course, I was lying about myself) How could I be fine when she is leaving me, I know that sounds selfish and so I pushed myself aside and I made sure everything was about her and only her. What made me laugh in the hospital, when she found out that she was coming home with me, she said that 'she would help me around the house' and I told her 'the only way to help me is to rest and get better' and she agreed. Anyways, she was responsive that day she came home with us but that night she she started to slip away and I knew it was her time but I just stayed quite and my siblings finally just went with everything because I had to beat them with the paper work, couldn't they just do what she wanted?? My siblings actually came over and spend a couple of nights here to help me care for her but it wasn't too long after...me, a niece and a nephew stayed up to watch her and I remember everyone was asleep, my niece had noticed something about my mom and we looked and checked her...we saw her take her last breath. I know, she want to be with me but didn't she think what this was going to do to me!!! I even wached them wheel her away into the van and it was over..everyone left and I felt so alone. But I am the strong one in the family that everyone goes to and I had to be there for my boys because I know it was hard for them too, she is there nana and now she is in heaven. Outwards, I am doing fine, I finally got my fulltime job where I want to work at for so long,I take care of my boys and theyre are doing fine too thier grades are good and yes, they do bring their nana up sometimes and I tell them it's ok to miss her and to cry, there's nothing wrong with that. My siblings,they are so use to living without her when she was alive that now...there's no differece for them and yeah, that bothers me but what can I do...nothing...absolutly nothing. But inside I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me and hubby is no use either but that's a whole other story...I feel like everything is going on without me, like I am watching everyone live there lives but mine has stopped, I know I care about things but ever since my mom passed, I don't care and I feel numb and I don't think my friends understand a part of me is gone. The holidays are coming up and they were a big deal for us( my mom and me). I know I'm supposed to feel the rainbow of emotions but who do I get mad at my mom for leaving me, myself for not doing enough, God for taking her, my siblings for leaving her out of their lives and forgetting her now, my hubby for not being the man she wanted for me and my boys....who, who do I get mad at??? I am either very sad or angry or numb, I know in time it will some what go away but not fully. I can't talk to anyone because no one wants to listen including my siblings so, as you can tell I have been holding all of this in for 7 months, my birthday is next week and I am going to the cemetary because we always spent my b-days together. I know it's going to be hard but I think I have to do this. Sorry, I just got carried away, Thanks for listening. =-) Eleanor
×
×
  • Create New...