shell

Wendy, I think you are right, that it is harder to cope when one disaster after another hits. That happened to me and I felt the same way. My best friend moved here just six months after my mom died and it has turned into an unpleasant mess. My 'best friend" turned out to not be such a friend afterall! I realized that in trying to help her and get her settled, that I had not fully been able to mourn for my mom. That's what's happening to you. You haven't been able to fully mourn for Steve because of your moms illness. And you are probably trying to prepare yourself (which, as we all know is impossible, but we still try)for your moms passing. Just realize you are in a very fragile state right now and that whatever you are feeling is normal and understandable. Go easy on yourself. A big hug, Shell Bob, You are making a choice. You have decided that becoming Terminator Bob is your way of coping. We do whatever we have to to cope with what life throws at us, or we sink. There are many things that happen that we just don't understand and it's easy to say we had no control over them and blame "life" for them. I think what Jo said is a relevant point. Life happens and it's not always "fair" but that's the way life works. And if we look at it that way, we can often cope better, because we don't expect our lives to be perfect. It's just the raw reality of life. It's kind of like the "why me?" question. The real question is "Why not me? If not me, then who else?" All of us are going to get a mix of the sweet and sour of life. You have to enjoy one and cope with the other. Hugs, Shell

Hi All, I wanted to say that some of the changes in my life that I dreaded weren't as bad as I thought, and that I made it through some bad situations. I gained some pride in myself that I got through them and that helps. I'm a fatalist, and I think life generally (even I will admit there sre probably some exceptions to this!) helps things "work out" eventually. Wendy, Jo is right, 16 months is not that long. Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe instead of thinking of it as "accepting" it, think of it as "living with it". I don't know if that makes sense, but we talk about how you have a whole different life after someone dies, and you have to adjust to it. I guess that's what I mean by living with it. And as far-fetched as it seems, with your daughter leaving you may gain a new self. I have always panicked about being alone. Now I mostly am (my brother has a girlfriend and is home rarely) and in some odd way I have come to enjoy my solitude. Nature has stepped in again and given me a surprise. While I still wish with all my heart my mom and dad were here, I have learned many things about myself during my alone time. Good luck, I hope you find some peace with it too. Hugs, Shell

Rachel, I'm so sorry about your mom and the unexpected death of your dad. You are dealing with a tremendous amount and I'm glad you sought out help. I take Lexapro and Clonazepam and they have worked for me, but you may have to try different meds before finding ones that work. I also have to say that I took these meds for anxiety attacks, not particularly depression. I still get depressed and sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but I can "handle" it. The meds don't solve all of this, but if you're still having anxiety attacks and are taking your medications on a daily basis (or whatever the dosage was ) then you probably should talk to your doctor and let him know. Like I said, you may just need a different antidepressant. Hang in there. Hugs to you, Shell

You're on the right track Karen, just baby steps one day after another. Hugs, Shell

Karen I'm so sorry for your pain. But it took a lot to do what you did and it's a step ahead. You should feel proud of yourself for doing it. It's ok to touch her things and sit on the closet floor and cry. I do the same thing and it's just what you have to do to start to heal. Hang in there, because I can tell you have the strength to get through this horrible time in your life. Hard to believe right now, but things will get "easier" to handle. The pain will always be there, but you will learn to live with it and go on with your life. Remember, you are a part of your mother and so she is always with you. Hugs to you, Shell

Karen, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Our stories are very similar, so I know so much how you feel. It will feel like you can't go on, but you can and, as Leeann said, take it one day at a time. Just give yourself permission to grieve and try to believe that things will get, I won't say better, but you will be able to cope with the loss better as time goes on. Just take your time and don't try to get "back into the swing of things" (as your well meaning brothers are suggesting and I know they are just trying to help you) until you feel ready. Your mom will always be with you because you are part of her. It is such a hard road but hang in there, you will make it. Come here and pour your heart out, it helps so much. Hugs to you, Shell

Rosanne, I'm so sorry you feel that your life is spinning out of control, it's a very overwhelming feeling. When I feel like that, I try to remember that things usually happen for a reason and that they work out better than we think they will. And sometimes we just have to "let go" of the things we can't control and let whatever happens happen. Not much comfort, I know, but amazingly, it usually turns out ok, even if it takes us a long time to realize it. Hang in there. Hugs, Shell

Hi All, I would just like to add that if you are taking medication for panic attacks, it is important to take your medication all the time, every day, for it to work properly. Also, if you take it for awhile, you shouldn't just suddenly stop, as this can cause the attacks to come back even worse. You have to wean off most of them gradually. Just thought I'd bring this up. I take Lexapro and know this to be true of my meds, and would assume most of them work the same way. Good luck to all of you. Hugs, Shell

Benali, Welcome to the board. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, this is a common reaction. My dad died three and a half years ago and my mom was never the same after he died and I took care of her until she passed away in June (last June). I also experienced this years ago when I spent three years taking care of one of my cats who had multiple illnesses. I think part of it is that we suddenly have "nothing to do". You spend all your time concentrating on your loved one and then, in a second, it's over, they're gone. And you feel like "what do I do now?" It's a very strange thing that happens. And it does help to keep your mind off the grief, but there will come a time, when you're ready, that you will face it and it will sort of even out. You won't feel quite the same need to stay busy. Hang in there. Hugs, Shell

La Dolce Vita, My dad was in the Air Force, so I know the close bond that people in the service develope. I know how badly you feel that you are being made the "bad guy" and feel so helpless to do anything about it. But, you are not the bad guy and remember this. I'm in a similar situation (but not involving a death) right now, where my best friend of 40 years has suddenly decided I'm the "bad guy" because I am trying to help her (she has some memory problems) and she doesn't seem to appreciate my attempts. It is very hurtful and I feel for you. Luckily, the group seems to be breaking up and that should help your problems some. I'm hoping that your husband will maybe find a friend to talk to while he's on his assignment. That might help him to see things more clearly and get some of his feelings out. It's usually harder for men and especially military men. Just hang in there and know that you are being the rational person here. Good luck with this mess, it's a hard situation to be in. Hugs, Shell

Josh, I have suffered from panic attacks on and off my whole life. During my twenties, it got so bad that I became agoraphobic. I finally "fought" my way out of it, but it took several years and caused me so much agony. After my dad died, I went into full panic mode again and spent a week trying to get out of it. I couldn't, so I called my doctor and he put me on Lexapro and Clonazepam. I still take the Lexapro and 1 mg. of the clonazepam before I go to bed. I hate taking medications, but I wouldn't stop the Lexapro for anything. So, if you need help, please seek it. You may want to try some other medication and, of course, other methods that are out there now. Good luck. Hugs, Shell

Karen, That's so sad and such a terrible thing to have to deal with. It's so disgusting how people use people who are "weaker" than they are. I hope things work out and you get some kind of help. You and your son will be in my thoughts. Hugs, Shell

Tan Sim, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. Please, do not feel guilty. Marty is right that just about all of us have felt guilty concerning some aspect of our loved ones death and it is perfectly normal. But you had no way of knowing that he was going to die and you didn't do it on purpose. And when people are close to death, they usually aren't too "aware" of things around them (at least from my experience), so he may not have even known you weren't there. And I'm sure he understands anyway and knows you loved him very much. Go easy on yourself, the long road of grieving is hard enough without beating yourself up about it too. You didn't do anything wrong. Hugs, Shell

Karen, I know you are doing everything you can and I hope my questions about him moving didn't insult you. I didn't mean it in that way at all, it was just a thought. It is such a difficult situation with everything that's involved and I so hope you get some kind of help with it. We're all thinking of you. Hugs, Shell

Karen, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I think I asked you this once and forgive me if I don't remember what you answered, but is there any way to get him to move to the town you live in? That way you could control where he lives and keep a closer eye on the situation. You wouldn't have to be so far away from it, as that adds more worry, just wondering about what's happening. Hope it all turns out alright. Take care of yourself, you're very special to us here. Hugs, Shell