soul mate left behind

Almost 17 months, Im still wearing the same coat of led. I still have that hollow feeling and Im still alone. I still hardly ever leave the house. All of the people that I thought were friends have drifted away. I guess I let them drift, I did nothing to encourage them to stay with me. I think I may have gone crazy. I thought by now things would start to be "normal" for me again. I just miss him so much. I just want to move on, I just want this feeling to go away. Every day is still a struggle. Been to groups, taken pills, been on retreats, planted flowers...nothing helps the hurt in my heart. They always say time, it takes time...WELL HOW MUCH DARN TIME CAN IT TAKE???? Most days I just wait for night to come. I want my life back. I want to smile and sing. God what is wrong with me? Get on track....what friggin track? Am I the only one that feels this way after all this time?

It has been 229 days since he has been gone. Yesterday felt like the first day. I was doing so good and then I took 30 steps backwards. I dont know what happened or what caused it, but I am paralized in grief today. Darkness has surrounded me again. I miss him very much. I havent taken off my wedding ring even though it has been suggested by close friends to do so. I just want to see where he is and know what he is doing. Sometimes I search desperately to find him, I know I wont but I still feel as though I should look. I feel like I need to get to the place where he is. I want to see his smile one more time, feel his arms around me one more time, kiss his lips one more time, say I love you one more time. I only want a minute more with him. I still have to tell myself every day that I can make it through this day and every night I still tell myself I made it through this day. I had just started sleeping for about 4 hours at a time which I never thought I would do again......now I lay awake......again. This has caught me by suprise....this going backwards thing....I thought I had made it.....not so. In the darkness again and my coat of lead grief even heavier this round. Just one more minute.............

Hi Don, I am so sorry that you have had to seek us out. It has been 145 days since I lost my soul mate. This journey of grief has been extremely difficult for me. After all those days you would think that I would be doing much better. I have been doing a great job of faking it and going through the motions of the daily grind, but when he passed away my life came to a screeching halt. I see that "bobsgal" has left you a message. It is strange to me that her kind words to me have helped me more than some of the people that have been closest to my heart. I come to this site 3 or 4 times a week and read what others have to say. When I think I am all alone I realize I am not. I think about everyone here and the prices they had to pay to be here but also I see that I am normal, even when I think I have lost my mind. I have been told many times that things get better, but I am not sure when that happens. Some people post and I am shocked at how fast they seemed to have moved on and I am envious. I wonder if this pain ever goes away. I too sit with a stream of tears rolling down my face every time I read a story. I have found that "bobsgal" is right......everytime you talk about it and everytime you tell your story your heart hurts a little bit less. Today the sun is shinning were I live......and I am able to see it. It hurts much to come here and read but I think it helps for the healing too. Talk about Rhonda often and be still when you feel her around you. Take care. Soul mate left behind

Lissa I know exactly what you mean when you say "the pain grows-my heartache swells, and I want him back". It's been 119 days since I lost my soul mate and still feel like it was yesterday. My days are still dark and my heart is still bursting the pain. There have even been days when I wished that I was with him instead of without him. I have been going from able to make it through a day to only make it minute by minute. The fluctuation is so hard. I have visited the site you said there are live chats but I just can seem to make it through the registration process. My story is here at this site but I was such a mess the day I posted it ......I think I may have posted in the wrong place. I come here alot and read what other people have to say, I guess it helps me to see that Im not the only one even though I feel like I am and to get strength from others. I have been told that things get better, Im not sure when that is though. Lynda (bobsgal)sent me a wonderful note and I printed to read whenever I need to, for some reason she has givin me great strength. Maybe I will see you in a chat soon. Soulmate left behind

85 days and the hole in my heart, my soul and my life are still so huge. Sometimes the emptiness is almost more than I can take. My nights are long and my days are sad. Im trying so hard to move forward but it feels as if I am made of stone. I dont get to wander from room to room in the house that we shared........it was but on the market by his kids and sold almost immediately. I dream of him often, he is always in the background somewhere watching me....and then just when I see him he turns and walks away. I almost die when I see a man in the distance that looks like him from afar, I look away and grimace because of the pain it causing in my heart. When I hear our song I close my eyes and dance with him in my head. How do you start to live life again, how do you enjoy anything? Even things that should be good are overcast with sadness. I cant even go to where he is buried, he wanted to be creamated and his children have his ashes. The last place we went together has been closed for the winter... I cant even go there and think about him. He said to me once during a conversation about death that "it doesnt matter when you die". Its only true in the sense that it doesnt matter to the person that past, but it will always matter to the people that are left behind. 85 days and no repreve from the grief I felt on the first day he was gone.

Dear Kim, I read your post this morning and have been thinking about you. I wanted to address you wanting to keep a something of your fathers. I hope that you went ahead and did that, as I would of done anything to have something of my Soul mates, his beautifull hair, or just something that smelled like him for a while. I have nothing. I was not allowed to be part of his dying or his creamation. His children took care of everything. My story is also long and I posted it what seems like years ago. On sunday it will have been 77 very long and bleak days without him. I found myself think that I would rather be dead today than without him tomorrow, Im doing better about that now but it has been difficult. I miss him so much my heart feels like it has been smashed with a meat tenderizer. There is this person named "bobsqal", she will read your post and send you the warmest post. She replied to me on my post and I have printed what she said and read it a million times a day. I dont know why but her words comfort me. If you have read other posts you will see that it takes a few days sometimes even a week for someone to respond to you. Just when I think I cant make it another day I pull up my post and someone has said something kind and that will help me through the day. Even after all theses days with out him I still dont have my life back in order or even feel like I can make it, but for some reason I make it through the day. They say it gets better with time, I guess its getting better or I have just learned to go through the motions......Im not sure which. But I have learned there are many stages of grieving....and that on somedays you end up going back two steps. I have lost other people in my life but I never thought I would be this young and be without the person that was my life. Just take one hour at a time and soon it will turn into one day at a time. I tell myself every morning before I get out of bed, "I can make it through this day", and everynight before I finally fall asleep I say, "I made it through this day." Take care of yourself and remember, people here are thinking of you. Sincerely Soul mate left behind

bobsgal, thank you so much for your kind words. I have copied and pasted your note to my notebook so I can read it often. I cry every single time I read it, but it does help so much. It has been 59 days and Im still not sure if I will make it. I miss him so terribly bad. On the outside I have adapted to appearing normal and doing ok. My family and friends were starting to question my stability. On the inside its still so dark and lonely. My safe places have been my car and the shower also. I still lay awake at night and stare at the ceiling thinking about all the would of, should of, could of things. Three days ago I started making myself think of only the very best parts of him, like his tan hand tracing my eyebrows and nose, reaching over and rubbing my earlobe when we were in the car, when he would see me and have this huge smile on his face and saying, "me wife", when our heads would lay together on the pillow and I would reach up and twirl our hair together on the top of our heads, grabbing me and dancing in the kitchen, the store, the parking lot or whever he would hear a song to dance to and dancing me around, saying to me "cant you get any closer" when I was already holding me tightly. How is it that I can be this young and be without the person I loved so dearly? Out of the blue I said the other day "I would rather be dead today then without him tomorrow", where did that come from? I feel so badly for your lose also. It makes me smile to know that you have said "life is good once again". I hope that soon I will be able to say that, or even to make it through the day without the heavy sadness in my heart. Again I cherish your post and have it with me to read always, your words of kindness have helped me more than you will know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and share your story with me. Sincerly, Soul mate left behind

39 days and I feel like Im going backwards. I havent gone out of the house for almost a week now. I cant sleep again, Im crying all the time. I tried making my days have meaning but they just dont. I cant seem to start moving ahead. I get up, get dressed, and then just sit waiting for night to come so I can be in the dark. I try to block out all the what if's and think about right now. I thought I was stronge but Im not. I miss him so bad. The smell of his hair, the feel of his chest against my back, his smile, his blue eyes, his laugh, the little things we used to say. How come I started going backwards again? How do I recover?

Thank you bev for your thoughts. Today is day 28 and I am wondering when I will stop know what day it is and be able to say....its been 3 months, 9 months and then a year or even 3 years. Our aniversary is coming up shortly and I dont know how Im going to get through that day. I know that we werent living together anymore or even married but he had asked me to remarry him and I said yes the day was going to be our original wedding day. It has already been so hard. I just do one day at a time. When does the hurting stop and the shock. I wonder if my heart has been so numb to protect me from the hurt that is really there, if that is so then Im thankful for the numbness and Im dreading it if the hurt is to get worse. Thank you again. This site has helped me a lot, just reading that Im not the only one. Just a few days ago I started takin it by the day instead of the hour. Sleep has final returned and I have been eating a bit more, I guess that is a good sign, but its still on and off.

Oh my gosh I read your story, how sad. I feel like you do, how do I go on and where do I even start. It has been 28 days since I lost my soul mate, and when I found this site and wrote it all down I felt a bit of a release. I felt like I was the only person in the world who had lost someone so dear to them. During the last 28 days I have learned to wake up and go through the motions of my day, but still feel as though Im in a daze. I have cried so many tears that I sometimes think Im going to die. I havent got to the days where they say it gets better, I think that will come when Im not counting how many days it has been. You are still in the counting days too. Someday we will be able to look back and say its been 3 months, 8 months and then a year. I still think about all the recent plans we had made, and wonder how Im going to go on as Im sure you do too. I have read many things on this site that has helped me to prepare for things ahead I hope you have found them too. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers tonight. Together you and I even though we dont know each other will take one day at a time, for you its probably one hour at a time. When you wake up every morning tell your self you will make it through this day and every night when you go to bed say to your self...I made it through this day. I think thats all we can do for now. I am so glad I read your post because now I know someone else is in this with me and together with all the encouragement that people offer here we can make it!!! Take care Isabella, you are in my prayers.

Its been 23 days and I am still just as sad as I was 20 days ago. Crying less often but little things that bring back a memory send me into sobs. I miss him terribly and my heart and feelings are so numb. Thanks Nicky for your thoughts.

I was 23, he was 49. I was headed to college, he was a retired service man. I had 3 kids under the age of 6, he had 4 kids my age. We worked together and one day after work back in 1990 a bunch of us went to the bar. He asked me to dance........I didnt know how to dance the way he did. Needless to say I learned! From that first dance we knew we were ment to be together. His kids didnt like me at all and stopped coming around or having much to do with him. 1999 my kids decided they wanted to go live with their dad. The story behind that is my kids didnt like him. He was very military and strict. I was the buffer between my kids and my soul mate. I thought my kids wanted to live with their dad because of my soul mate, so after much soul searching I decided to move out for a while with my kids. I felt like I was having to pick between my kids and my soul mate. My heart was broken, but I picked my kids. January of 2000 my kids went to live with thier dad, they told me they didnt ever want to go back to "his" house, and if I went back they would not want to come visit. I pretty much shut my soul mate out of my life because I didn't think there was anyway to fix things. (When I was a little girl my mother choose a man over me, I went to live with my grandparents.) My soul mate and I saw each other every now and then and talked alot about what had happened. Anyway, June 2003 I had two of my kids with me, now 15 and 13. We saw my soul mate and he asked them if they would like to have lunch with him. They said yes. We had many lunches, several dinners and two day trips throughout the summer. It was nice to see that they were making amends and that they were getting along. In August I had to take my kids back to their dad, on the way back the kids told me that it would be fine if I moved back in with him. I was so excited. It is a two day trip to take the boys back to their dad and by the time I got back to my town I needed to go to my mothers and get my head on straight. A lot had changed between me and my soul mate during the 4 years of our separation. In 1996 we were married, but Feb. of this year he had filed for divorce and it was final March 1st. He said he filed because taxes were killing him filing as separated. I was so devastated when I got the papers I just signed them and sent them back. Anyway, Sept 2nd I went to my mothers, I came home the 13th. I had called my soul mate a few times while I was gone and everything seemed fine. When I got home the night of the 13th I called his cell phone and his youngest daughter answered his phone........she said they were all at the VA hospital and he was dying. His daughter let me talk to him on the phone for a brief minute, he said, "baby, my true love, my soul mate, I love you, this is it, this is the big one, Im out of here.......later". He died at 3am on the 14th of Sept. I cant go on, my heart is broken. We had plans of getting back together. He had asked me to remarry him, he was 62 but he said lets have a love child. Today is day 19 without him.