Today it is two months without my dad. Last night around 12am I was in bed and began to cry...I kept crying (trying not to wake my fiance) until I had to get up. It was around midnight when I received the call from the hospital telling me that my father had taken a turn for the worse and he wasn't responding. The day before we thought he was improving to the point that they were going to let him out of intensive care. I screamed, sobbed and I couldn't stand....I was a wreck and I was alone. Maybe that's why I get so emotional at night when I go to bed-- I keep reliving it. I can't feel his presence near me and it just hurts to think that he is not here. I don't know how I am suppose to keep going and acting like everything is fine, when in fact, quite the opposite is true. When my mother died I was 17 and barely had time to grieve. I was pregnant 3 months later and married 3 months after that. I had a new family, and besides, I still had my dad. I relied on him more than I care to admit, but he was always there for me. He never said no to me....I was his world. I just wish I could feel him with me. It would bring me some comfort I think. My sisters (we have different fathers) seem to think that maybe I am actually grieving for both of them now. I don't think so as I am not thinking too much of my mother. Although, I have begun to think of myself as an "adult orphan." Scarey. I am just so scared. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd be glad to hear them. Thanks for listening. ~Marti
