Ruth14

I am so sorry for you both, in these moments i am always tempted to say 'i know how you feel' but i will refrain from doing so because as we all know that simply isnt true, no matter how similar the circumstances, we all go through our own individual journeys to deal with this. I lost my big brother at 15, i always called him my big brother because he's the eldest or he was, my other brother is now older than he was when he died, im still getting used to that but he will continue to be my big brother Before his death i was suffering badly with childhood depression after watching my mother suffer with the same illness, i found life hard and he struggled to understand this, i very much doubt that he understood the severity of my illness until he began to suffer himself. This brought us so close, although he would never really confide in me about his emotions (i suspect this is because im his little sister and he wanted to protect me as best he could) he would always listen and i felt as though he was the only one that understood. If i was having a partcularly bad day all i had to do was call him n he'd come and pick me up from school on the days i had managed to go in and take me to mcdonalds to cheer me up. Until three years ago when his car collided with a lorry, it was thrown into a field and set alight, so many people tried to help, people burnt their hands trying to save my brothers life although they did not suceed i am eternally grateful for their efforts. The press took photos of my brothers burnt out car with his body still inside and stuck them on the front page of the local paper this made me feel so sick, the photos didnt show anything obviously but i knew and that was enough. I had to tell my other brother what had happened to our brother and his best friend, my parents were too distraught and i didnt want him to hear it the same way i had although i think it would have been better than what i said, all i could say is 'Paul's dead' his face broke my heart all over again. Ever since this day i have been trying to deal with it and i believe ive done well. I recovered from depresseion and im now studying to be a teacher at university he has since been in contact with a family member through a medium, he told us that he was sorry, that it was not suicide, that he felt no pain and that he is watching over us. This has been a great comfort to me but i still remain angry at the world to a certain degree, mostly angry at god, how dare he take somebody i so desperately needed, relied on and love, how dare he take someone so young and how dare he leave the rest of us behind to deal with it. There have been so many days where i have wished i am with him, i now understand that i am needed here for now but when my time comes i know hes waiting.