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annezeke

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  1. Kim, I too "set (my beloved Zeke)free" as you put it in November, and still feel utterly traumatized by the act of doing so, even although in my heart I know that I saved him from alot of discomfort. I happened to take a number of photos of him that day before the vet arrived (I know that might sound weird but I needed to have a record of a more objective perspective of that day). In those photos I can see Zeke's , anguish, discomfort and misery on his face. He was 16 and we (he and I) had been up every night for the five nights before he died. He was failing and he knew it and I knew it. He was/is the love of my life. The decision I made was only for his benefit, as I'm sure yours was. You must trust your heart and your instincts. We are only imperfect humans but with tremendous love for our non-human friends. If your motivation was pure then you should try not to torture yourself with guilt. I too had the recurring and torturous thoughts that would say" what the hell have I done, Zeke was still walking around, he ate a little bit that morning", etc. etc. But then I would go over all the details in my mind that lead to the sickening reality of his condition and it's inevitable conclusion, with or without my intervention. I even called his two vets a number of times just to go over it again with them so that I would feel reassured. This is a terrible place to be, mentally. Try not to torture yourself with guilt and second guessing. For me, I have decided that the real issue here is really about the terrible shock of having to make such an excruciating decision, to be the one that has to initiate the final departure of a creature that is so dear to us. What an unfathomable position of pain to be in...but we did it out of love.Instead of guilt, maybe you could honor your own courage for finding the strength to carry out the ultimate act of selflessness for your friend. It's very hard to comprehend the mystery of it all. Life disappears in an instant.I spent so many years trying to make Zeke happy and comfortable and healthy. He had alot of problems and emotional and physical suffering . I put him at the top of my list in terms of my priorities, including my own needs. So to have to euthanize him went against everything that went before in terms of trying to keep him in top shape, forever! But, this final act was in the end, consistent with caring for HIM, not me. My vet said she would rather euthanize an animal too early rather than too late. Wouldn't that have been worse for you? It's so so hard. I'm so sorry for you. I am suffering so, too. Best thing is charge full steam ahead looking for support. It's hard to find but it's out there. Right here, even. Take good care of yourself and write back. With love and sympathy to you, Anne (annezeke)
  2. I know my grief is nothing unique but after three months I seem to be feeling more hopeless about the future. I am going through the motions of living, but feel like a fraud because I doubt that I shall ever experience the degree of happiness I experienced in the presence of my magnificent Zeke. He was 16 when I decided to euthanize him and I feel as though I have been utterly traumatized by this experience, even although we were fortunate that it was a"peaceful" death at home. I am alone at home with no family and my friends have had quite enough of my grieving. I was told to "take a pill" by one of them. I know it's im[ossible to comprehend another's grief so I try to forgive them. I worry now that my heart is permanently out of commission...especially relevant because I have a sweet little dog I rescued off the street two years before Zeke left, and now I cry almost every time I touch him and I know this is afffecting his dear sweet soul. He and Zeke were not particularly bonded as Zeke saw him (Masashi is his name) as an interloper and only tolerated his joining our home. Zeke and I werer apart a total of three days for all the years we were together, so he was used to and expected my undivided attention, although he was incredibly sweet and gentle with Masashi. I wonder if Masashi woukld be happier with a different, happier and more appreciative human. I treat him really well but am so sad so much of the time and he knows. Seems unfair to him, he's such a great dog, but I was so in love with and physically attracted to Zeke-he was a wild terrier type gorgeous orange fur TV dog...Masashi looks are not what attracted me...I feel so inadequate for Masashi yet also love him and would probably die now of loneliness, although feel as though this is what is happening anyway without the presence of my beautiful Zeke.
  3. Maylissa, Your anniversary message broke my heart; for you and for me. I lost the love of my life,Zeke, in November and now I can see the years looming ahead of me with tremendous sadness and irreconcilable grief. He is in my mind and heart always, and I know I shall just have to accept the fact that he was truly a miracle, probably one in a lifetime, which brought me complete peace and happiness. I'm so sorry that you are also still feeling the pain of your loss after six years. Like your Boo Boo, Zeke read me, understood me more than anyone else in this lifetime. I'm thinking of you on your anniversary. Do you believe that you shall be reunited in any form when you pass? I am trying to convince myself of this possibility. I wish you well. Anne
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