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stik40

Contributor
  • Posts

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About stik40

  • Birthday 02/13/1966

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    stickboy88@hotmail.com
  • Website URL
    http://

Profile Information

  • Location (city, state)
    victoria b.c canada
  • Interests
    my interest have changed, now my only interest is to continue thru the fog and hope it;s sunny on the otherside

Previous Fields

  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    victoria b.c canada
  1. dear charlieslove Your very correct in the fact that there is comfort here.... as odd as that may seem to find comfort on computer.....i stop in here everyday,sometime more than afew times... every post i read allows me the time to remember my babers without so many tears flowing down my face.I feel for everybody and what they (you) must be goin thru,alas i'm goin thru it too and as odd as it sounds i find comfort knowing i;m not alone in the pain and loss i feel, knowing that i can ask any question (within reason of course) and someone here will answer it with honesty and integerty< i seem to have lost the ability to spell these last few weeks for this i;m very sorry.
  2. Hello once again, I wish to send my heartfelt wishes to everyone here that the holiday coming up (14th feb)is brief and as painless as one might expect during our time of grief.I would like to kno if any of you out there think I'm about to make a mistake.(little background first)I'm about to have my 40th birthday on feb 13th.... carol had planned a surprise party for me... as some of you kno I lost carol on nov.16th...cremation was her wish and her plaque had taken untill jan 27th to arrive,I decided that I would have the inurnment on my birthday as she so very much hated the fact she would not be here for it.well to say my friends ( and they are )got alittle upset with me about this would be understatment...they feel that i would ruin the rest of my birthdays..I do not feel this way and besides.. this is what i want, this is what she wanted,we would lay in bed on those rare days that we both could and talk about getting older together how we sit on our deck and watch the night sky,anyway you get the idea... the problem i;m having rite now is i now feel like i'v done soemthing terrible . it does not matter really as i already set the date and time and i will not change it.. i just wanted to kno if maybe i am being selfish and wanting to do this (inurnment)and say farewell to my sweet babers..am i goin to far? we talked and laughed so many times over the fact that i was now goin to be in her age group (she was 41)it had made her day ..lol..I used to call her my cougar and she said i was her cougar bait...gawd darn i ache so bad.. i miss everything , our life our home ... the pressure i;m getting is from my male friends,i think they wanted to have a happy time at my 40th.. i suppose i cant blame them on one hand.. but on the other hand i'm not into anything that involves any kind of celebration other than celebrating babers life...I lived for her and now I don't want too.. but I also kno that I must.... to do less would be an insult on her memmorie...advice anyone?
  3. I just woke up ( i work nights)and went rite here .. the relief i felt when i read the reply's knowing others have the same thoughts and feeling.. i read alot of the post here this morning, the sadness that overwelms me is hard to handle at times, but knowing that i can stop in and leave a note, a thought a rant and not feel like i'm from another planet,gives me peace.atleast alittle and thats more than i have ahd in 2 months.
  4. I kno this is probably foolish to ask, but then again the way i have been over the last 2 months anything can be see as foolish, I have been told by others that have suffered a loss to expect to see my loved one within afew months after death........ I wait, and i wait, and i;m still waiting... i want so much to tell her one more time that I love her ...as i sit in the dark i look and listen for her. I'm scared also, I'm afraid she will be angry with me for not doing more, for not noticing the cancer growing in her brain, for not realizing she was sick, for putting off our wedding another year.. i;m so afraid that i let her down,even tho the thoughts i have are unrealistic i still have them and can not understand why i would be afraid to see my babers...so my question is this... will she come to see me as i have been led to believe? and is the fear of seeing her appear befor me normal?
  5. I am stunned,I found this site,a place where i can express my feelings without that "look" you know that "look" the one that says we're sorry but could we move on.I lost my life on Nov.16th just past,I still cant understand what has happened.. I walk around everyday trying to come to terms with her passing,I can't... I just can't.she was everything to me.we only had such a very short time together (4 years),but as god or whoever is my witness we had "the" relationship of our lifetime..as i put these words here i'm on the phone with the funeral director setting a date to place my babers in her final resting place.12 days... that is how long it took for life to change forever,she had ankle surgury on oct.13th,I carried her to the car with such care as she was so very thin (we both are). i cooked and cleaned ( well cleaned as best i could)I was her personal caregiver and we laughed and she teased me from her throne in the living room,If we knew what was to come I think we would have never left each others side over the next month. but as life is, one had to go to work to pay the bills... on oct 31st she had her first very small right arm cramp.. like a charlie horse.that was a monday night @ 6.22 pm to be exact, it;s funny how time moves so very slowly now, how i can see,feel and smell everything during that time.she had another small right arm twitch (thats all it was) i started to get alittle concerned but not to much as i had found out she was sneakin around on crutch's while i was at work, so i thought it was just a pinched nerve .. how very wrong i was...on the 2nd of novemeber while i was making dinner she had a massive siezure in the living room, i rushed her to the hospital and was informed an hour later they had found 2 tumors in her brain.the next morning we both knew that our time together was so very short, the cancer doctor informed us that she had 8-10 weeks without radiation. up to 14 weeks with... we dicided to go for it. to be together as long as we could... i took her home on the following saturday morning,we got married 2 days later... she passed away on the 16th. married for 5 days... i miss her so much, i cant think. i cant eat. and as anyone who has gone thru this ... alone .so very much alone, i thank you from the bottom of my soul. thanks for listening,I feel like i found peace if not for alittle while. allen
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