lorraine

It does help. I also spoke with my husband yesterday who had also been researching ways to lessen my anxiety and reprogram ourselves post trauma. I had told him about this website and how so many people were suffering from some loss and last night it helped me not feel so adequate or attempt to try and control how I should be feeling. I also researched last night affordable programs to reduce the learned anxiety through reprogramming and ordered some books and CDs, the CD's objective is simple statements and words that you play everyday for a long as it takes to start to develop inner trust again. Ironically, I am not sure if I am grieving anymore as my parents (like your dad) made their choice on how they lived and subsequently how they died. I feel something else, like I have lost my life purpose, like I have been on a determined, purposeful, lifepath and suddenly I have amnesia. I don't know why I am there anymore. This redefining of self post loss is a new ballgame and its seems no matter how many loving people are around you, is a terribly lonely one without your parents. My biggest saving grace (compared to some of the postings I have read) is that I sense my mum every day and I know that no matter how she chose to die, that she would not want me to feel heartache or lost. I'm not sure what you feel about your dad as it is just two months ago since he died, but I do feel that some parents feel they can serve you better elsewhere and I do feel that about my mum. Thanks for your response though and telling me about your dad, I had not thought about the different ways that people choose to go, and how it can leave you probably with very similar feelings i.e. was I not a good enough child for you to want to stay, should I have listened more, why did I not call everyday. I loved my mum probably more than anyone, she was my best friend and despite living all over the world in the last 18 years, I called her 2 x week and spent as much time with her as possible. I am slowly learning even if you do your best, you cannot stop someone from doing want they want to do, nor is your responsibility. This was often in my mind after my mum died, I felt like I had failed her, that I had made her feel loved enough to want to stay etc. This has lessened, but the feeling is still there. MY husband also heard a radio broadcast about the difficultyl of loosing a parent and that it takes on a further level of difficulty if the parent was abusive in some way i.e. alcohol, drugs etc. Give yourself time, I would never want to be back at the 2 month marker, it took a long time to come out of the fog and start seeing some way forward. I have four children so feeling low was often not an option, as much as I longed to hide under the covers and just sleep for many days I promise you it does get easier, and the phase I am in now, is discovery which if dealt with rightly is a necessary and good growth phase

18 months ago my father died of a heart attack. As the closest person to him, I arranged for his burial and closed off his life. 6 weeks later I received a call that my mother was found dead, she had taken an overdose. Ironically I had spoken to her the day before she died and we had also exchanged email, so although I knew my mum would go this way eventually, I did not expect it. Especially as I was getting married 3 months later and her main life goal left was to walk me down the aisle i.e. she was disabled and she was practising being able to walk comfortably. I closed off my mums life, fought for more than a year with insurance companies who refused to deal with any suspected suicides and tried moved on in my life without my parents. I thought I had. )I should add 6 months before my dad died my best friend died of cancer, followed by my godmother 2 months later) More than 18 months later I have started to experience "anxiety attacks", severe breathing problems, heartache and feelings of being overwhelmed. My own personal life is wonderful with lots of loving so I know the attacks are not coming from the present. I do not want to see a doctor because I do not want to take drugs, I would like to learn to release this heartache but am not sure where to begin. I'd like to think time would be the release but I don't think so, what would people recommend? Lorraine