julieusaf

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom - and I'm sorry that we're all here together having to deal with such a raw emotion....and my journey has yet to start! Yes, I will leave it up to her. I have a feeling she will hang onto things for quite a while before she can make the emotional detachment from the tangible items...but at least I know now that it's all part of the grieving process and that the most important thing is to allow her to move at her own pace and do what she feels is best for HER. And as far as the drinking, my brother and our spouses have no doubt that she will go into a drinking binge attempting to self medicate and numb the painful feelings...her father (my grandfather) was an alcoholic as was her sister, so the gene is there and my mom has always been one to enjoy that glass of wine at night. We will keep a close eye on her and try to determine at what point the drinking takes over the grieving - I hope she proves us wrong, but I'm glad there will always be someone nearby (if she doesn't come stay with me, my brother and family live 2 blocks away). Thanks again for all your insight...it's hard to imagine life without my dad in it, but cancer first came into our lives in '89 when he originally got kidney cancer, so I feel I've been mentally preparing the Circle of Life will happen, but it's hard to know how I'll really respond until it happens. Bless you all... Julie

Hi there- My father is in the sunset of his life fighting cancer - and he's put up such a great fight but he's going to lose the battle soon. My parents have been married for 41yrs and are extremely co-dependent. My mother has claimed while intoxicated that she doesn't want to go on living when he dies. We will be keeping in eye on her, but think it's more the alcohol then a serious threat - just expressing how upset she'll be. So when the time comes, the "plan" is that after the main funeral stuff happens, she'll probably come out to my place 2 states away to spend time with her grandchildren - I'm thinking she'll stay for a month, maybe 2. My brother and his family live about 2 blocks from her now....if this is the way things go (and is this healthy or should she stay?), should we encourage my mom to allow them to go in and take away his clothes and underwear and stuff so she doesn't have to "deal" with that aspect upon her return? Or is that all part of the grieving process and that it will actually be very therapeutic for HER to do this task? What's she going to do with his underwear? She's a pack rat and worry she'll cling to too much stuff in his memory without being reational. Losing my father is going to be tough for all of us I'm sure, but it's just going to be so tragic for my mother who just caters to him all day - her life seems to revolve around him and I worry how she's going to cope. ANy advice or recommended reading would be appreciated. Thanks! Julie

Oh yeah - I should also add that I suspect my mother is a "functioning" alcoholic....she doesn't drink all the time, but she does like her wine and she's had several occasions where she drinks WAY too much and blacks out and calls me crying about my dad, etc. She doesn't miss work, she doesn't drive drunk, etc, but her father was an alcoholic and even she's acknowledged that she probably drinks more than she should, especially with family history. Oh, and my dad has commented to my brother that one of the big things that worries him about his own death is that she'll sink further into booze to ease the pain. Julie

Thanks Marty and Maylissa....I will look at those references and other posts when I get a chance. I've always had that sneaky suspicion that my actual emotional response to my father's passing will end up being different than what I anticipate. It's so easy to sort of imagine how we'll handle these life changes, but when the reality that you can't call him and you won't see him again hit home, the response may very well be different. I just rely on the fact that I'm emotionally stable overall in general and can only hope that I'll follow traditional grief reactions without experiencing too much profound grief. And I feel fortunate that his illness has allowed us time to try to say things that need to be said and whatnot. And I also wonder if I'll have that "blessing" attitude to know he'll no longer be in pain....I guess only the future will tell. But I believe these forums are important and therapeutic in its own way. I hope to steer my mother to some form of therapy - whether it be grief counseling or other support forums. Thanks for your well thought out replies. Julie

Hi all- my name is Julie and this is my first post here but I have a feeling I'll become pretty frquent when my father dies. He's terminally il with cancer - bone, lung, spine, renal cell....he's doing various experimental drugs right now with chemo, diagnosed for a 3rd time about 18mths ago, 69yo. We know this is the twilight time and that he won't escape the cancer this time - it's just a matter of when. He's frail, extremely thin, bad side effects of the drugs, lost his spark and great sense of humor. I know I'll feel my own loss - that's a given. But I also feel I'm mentally prepared for his loss as I hate the poor quality of life he's leading. He lives out of state, so I don't get many opportunities to see him. Anyway, my real concern is more for my mother. Married 40 yrs, they're extremely co-dependent on one another. She's mentioned suicide after he dies and that she doesn't want to go on living without him, etc. She's borderline alcoholic and think his passing will certainly push her over the edge as she uses it to self=medicate her internal pain and suffering over his demise. I'm not sure how to best handle this angle....any book recommendations that *I* can read to better help me help her? Everything I see seems to be for HER to read about grieving her husband or for me to read about losing a parent. I feel like I'm going to need to become a therapist to help her cope with his loss. I don't know if I'm even allowed to post here until he passes away....If not, please feel free to pull my post - just want to get my mind around this so that when he does leave us, I can allow my heart to grieve while being prepared in what things to say and do for my mother to help her. He really is a great man - a very loving father and feel very lucky to have been raised in such a loving family. Thanks- Julie