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emptyinside

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About emptyinside

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  • Date of Death
    November
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. emptyinside

    Free Fall

    **hugs*** Know how you feel. Are you able to talk to your husband about your anxieties?
  2. emptyinside

    Feb 2, 2008 At 11:34Am

    Deb, I am sorry. How are you today?
  3. It's been years for me now (feels weird to say that). But I still sometimes get the urge to run and tell my dad some news of something going on in my life. Then I remember I can't. And I sit for a minute really in disbelief that he's not here. It doesn't even make sense to me. Isn't this kinda rare this late in the game?
  4. Even more than 2 years on, I feel like I overreact a lot easier now. Not about unimportant things. Let's say I THINK someone might be upset or disappointed or annoyed with me, I start to cry. It's like I want everyone to like me all the time. If I'm not 100% perfect, I feel like I've failed. Can anyone relate to this? Is this common in grief because it doesn't seem so.
  5. That's an interesting take. I've been thinking that, too. Even though quite some time has passed since my loss, I still find it hard for me to concentrate on certain things.
  6. emptyinside

    How Alone Can I Get?

    May I ask what the friend's response was that disappointed you? I find myself being very disappointed in people myself.
  7. Is anyone else more insecure in relationships (of any kind) after losing someone? It could be with friends, lovers, or anything. I find myself needing more assurance from others, questioning in my mind if people still like me, if what I said earlier sounded strange, if people would even notice if I passed away. I wasn't like this before, but it's been a problem after my loss.
  8. emptyinside

    Awful Flashbacks.

    I'm curious to know if anyone else experiences flashbacks. They don't have to be classic flashbacks (of trauma, of death, of happier times). It can be this fuzzy and strange feeling in your head, like you've been through a deja vu moment or time warp. This happens to me when I encounter things for the first time since the death. For example, I'll hear a song and recall the last time I remember hearing it was with the person I lost. Or I'll read something. Or it might even be a smell or walking into a place. I just happened to hear this song, and I'm sitting here feeling really unsettled. I'm out of breath (it feels like I'm about to fall). My brain is a little confused because after hearing the song my heart feels like no time has passed since I last saw the person. It's as if the song transported me back to the past when I'd lost no one. But I know he's no longer here and time has passed. I don't even know what to call this sensation. Is this pain? Is it just confusion? I just feel...discombobulated. Like I'm currently living in the past and present at the same time. Hearing the song filled me with such longing.
  9. emptyinside

    Anyone Else Tired?

    Is anyone else out there tired, even if you haven't DONE anything? I feel like I need a 5 year vacation to do nothing but sleep. Seriously. I do one little errand or task and feel so exhausted. I used to be able to do a lot of things in one day. Now I can barely handle one. Is it the active grief that's doing this? The flashbacks I have, the yearning for the person lost, the sadness, the hours per day ruminating on how life feels so empty now...that's part of my life 24/7, no break. Even when I sleep I have bad dreams about the loss. Is this what's draining me? It could be the depression. I wake up and can barely drag myself out of bed. I brush my teeth, shower, and I'm already exhausted. So what's the solution? Suck it up and force myself to do a lot of things, even though I'm tired, because perhaps putting myself into action will make me less tired? For example, don't they say exercise GIVES you energy, so you should work out even if you're tired? So shouldn't this apply to other activities, too? What I want is to hide under the covers and just sleep and check out of life.
  10. Chai, Your post was so similar to my feelings that I thought I'd posted this myself and just forgot I had! I'm having an identity crisis myself, and it's such a weird and uncomfortable feeling. I'm such a people-pleaser myself now. I guess that comes from being so insecure and afraid of life. I feel like a walking cliche. I don't know who I am anymore. But it's so true. This crisis makes even the most simple tasks difficult because I just don't know how to handle anything anymore. If you don't know who you are, you don't know how you should act to Incident X, Y or Z. I don't feel like talking about meaningful things to people because, like niamh said, there's that fear of rejection or disappointment. But sometimes I do want to, too. Confusing, huh? But I only want to if I can get a guaranteed positive and nurturing response, which of course cannot be predicted, especially when you speak to those who haven't had a loss. Then the non-speaking kills me slowly inside. Catch-22, I guess. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))
  11. emptyinside

    I Love You Dad....and Miss You So

    I like what EBsgirl said above. The loss is palpable, it's so thick I feel like I'm wading through life in it. I feel like every day of my life now. I can never not feel it. It's like this boulder sitting on my chest. I have no good advice. Just wanted to say you are not alone. Today is a particularly bad day for me.
  12. emptyinside

    Needing To Talk To The Person Badly

    Just posting is helping. I just wish I could get ONE sentence. "I'm actually doing great here!" "It's actually way cooler than earth!" "I'm chilling out here!" ANYTHING to tell me he's all right or a line saying what he'd like me to do. A small piece of advice. The silence kills me.
  13. emptyinside

    Everything Going Wrong When Will It Stop?

    Yeah, I understand you on the breaking point part. There are times when it seems that everything piles up, whereas other people remain unscathed. But I know that's just a perceptual thing. Don't have any useful advice. I just try to distract myself as much as possible to give my brain a break. I try to envision my head as a blank sheet. Or fake for as long as possible that I have no problems at all. Doesn't always work, unfortunately, so I go on this board.
  14. emptyinside

    Needing To Talk To The Person Badly

    Ni, You're always encouraging . Yeah, it's the one-sided part that is so frustrating. It makes me so tired. I think of it this way: imagine if your alive relative/friend/husband/wife never responds to you. You're always the one having to initiate chats. It'd be really annoying, right? Same thing when the person's dead. Only more annoying probably because you can't even see the person, so you've got nothing. mfh, I'm so glad that works for you. I got that advice many times here, but for some reason it never really works for me. I try writing, but I always give up after a couple entries because I don't really feel like he's listening. But I suppose it's my fault for being so defeatist. Maybe I just have to keep trying until it sticks. That must be so hard, pinkpony, especially when you have good news about your kids. Every dad wants to hear that, I think. I should probably try that answer-back method. loulou, I'm skeptical, but sometimes I get really desperate for a response that I think about mediums, even though I'm aware of their tricks. Grief makes you do things you'd never thought you'd do. Let us know how it goes. I hope you find a good one and it makes you feel a tiny bit better in the very least. I hate that we have to pay money. I'd love to find someone who's truly gifted and does it for free, but that's probably fantasy.
  15. Sometimes do you ever feel like you just need one chat with your lost loved one just once to get some advice or direction? I'm at a point where I feel so lost and aimless that just one talk would really do me a world of good. Feel very unmotivated, tired, and unable to enjoy even little pleasures now. Some months I'm more okay and can enjoy the little pleasures in life, and I can get excited about little things like weekend trips or small shopping purchases. These past couple weeks, nope. Waking up is hard. I don't like to face the day.
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