shubom

so...I just learned that my grandfather passed away today. I feel so numb. I lost my mother 3 years ago on Jan 11th, and when I learned my grandfather was in the hospital last night, I almost fainted. It was just last week my grandmother was in the hospital sick for 2 weeks and my grandfather wanted to see her everyday, but he couldn't. All I could remember was him putting his hand out to hold her hand. Such a thought makes me sick when I think about it ! I'm so pissed ! And numb. I don't even want to think about it. This is horrible. My grandmother lost her son (my father - 1999), her daughter in law (my mother - 2006), her twin sister (2008), and now her husband (2009). I'm just sick of this crap ! Sorry to blow up like that, but I feel so numb right now. I don't even know how to feel. I'm lost....... Thanks for listening.

It's been a long time since I've been on this site. I lost my father, 47, in 1999 from heart attack. And then my mom, 56, Jan 2006, unknown causes. Just came home and found her on the couch. Feel like I've been dealing with these loses my whole life. I really miss my parents. Earlier this year, my grandmother's twin sister died, 78, of organ failure. And now my grandmother is sick !!! I'm so sad. I feel like crying. There are times when I can't eat, can't sleep, then other times, I find myself binging and sleeping for hours on end ! This is just horrible ! They don't know what's wrong and they are trying to do everything they can and not go into surgery. She's been in the hospital beginning this week, and I've only visited her once. I just just just can't get up enough nerve, to see her suffering and I can't do anything about it ! I considered myself so lucky after I lost my mother that I didn't just go into a mental institution. My grandmother helped me stay afloat. You know, we weren't that close before, but after she lost her son (my father) and then her daughter in law (my mother), she really took it upon her shoulders to make sure her granddaughters made it through ok. And now she's suffering ! I'm so afraid, I don't know what they are going to do. I call her every morning and every morning she sounds the same, with not much improvement. I guess she had a stomach surgery a few years ago and its one of the common side effects for the stomach to clog up. So she hasn't eaten nothing since Monday and all she does is throw up. They put a tube down to unclog it, and it worked, but she still throws up. I'm so sad. I can't stand another loss !!! My family can't stand another loss !!! And I know she really misses her twin. 78 years together ! My grandmother's twin's side of the family fell apart after her death, and I'm afraid to think what will happen to our side ! I call my grandmother every day, but I just can't work up enough nerve to go visit her. I feel I might go mental case. I already call around to other family members very frantic to get updates, but of course they are not doctors and don' t know the details, so then I call up my grandmother and feel like I'm drilling her. I feel like I'm going to scare her. So I try to keep the conversation mellow. I don't know ! I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just feel like I'm talking in circles and don't know how to act. Thanks for listening everyone !!! Any advice appreciated ! I hope she gets better ! Thanks

Thanks for your advice. And you are right. No one knows me better than I do. Today is my Great-Aunt's wake, and I'm more than likely not going to go. It will be at the same place my mom's was, and the painful memories and feelings are still raw.....picking out the casket.....crying like crazy......and all eyes staring at us..... Ugh....thinking about it just gives me the creeps!!! I hated every moment of that horrible crappy time. I told my grandmother yesterday, and she understands. I feel really bad, but I want to make sure I don't have a nervous breakdown. The funeral is tomorrow at an unfamiliar place, so it'll be better for me. That's about all I can say right now........ I'm crying so much, I miss my mom.

Cindi, sorry for the loss of your mom. I remember when my dad first died, and how horrible it was for my mom. I felt so bad for her, myself, my dad, my family. It was horrible. I tried my best to take care of her. Both of my parents loved Vegas. We tried to continue the family vacation afterwards but it was hell, and we ended up never going back. My mom passed away 2 years ago, and the first year was very painful. She was my best friend. I too couldn't get out of bed and go to work. If it wasn't for my Grandmother and my aunt, who knows where I would have ended up. It still hurts now, but I try my best to allow myself to feel those pains. To be sad when I'm sad, and to be happy when I'm happy. That way I'm not confused on my emotions. I figure I still have to live here in this world. Why not make the best of it. I still have to deal with these everyday issues, just like everyone else. So I cannot allow myself to fall between the cracks. It would break my mom's heart, and everything she worked for would be gone. Just give it time, and it'll get better. And it's ok to feel those feelings. Just give yourself time. I hope this helps. No one can replace mom's love.....

Sorry to hear about your mom. It just brings tears to my eyes, picturing her singing to you for your b-day. My mom passed 2 years ago, and it's been really rough. I have dreams about her every now and then. Most of dreams come from the house I grew up in. Probably because that's where I was the happiest when my both my parents were alive. I have been studying dreams. And I know that we dream every night, but it's just that we cannot remember when we wake up. So Awareness, Concentration, Meditation, will help you become more focused, and can possibly help you remember your dreams. This is what's worked for me. I hope this helps. Take Cares and stay strong.

Thanks for all your support. My Great aunt passed away last night at 11pm. It's been really tough. I stopped visiting her last Saturday because I was having panic and anxiety attacks with memories of my own parents. It was horrible. I was afraid to drive and the closer I got to the hospital the worst it got. And the thought of her passing when I was there, brought memories of finding my mom's body. I just couldn't bare it. I felt really guilty, but I had to take a breather for a few days. I called other family members to check on them. Now, she's gone and I'm really sad. I'm really nervous seeing everyone and going to the funeral. It was so tough with my mom I just don't know. I'm going to try my best to relax and hopefully the panicking will subside. There's a new grief group starting next month. I'm going to go again. It helps to talk to others. Thanks for your support here on the board.

After reading these messages, has brought up just sad memories of my mom. I came home from work, found her on the couch not breathing. Pulled her off to give her CPR. Everything was cold, except for her body. I felt sick. I called 911, went outside and just sat in the garage until help came. I couldn't bare to look at her anymore. At the funeral home, I didn't want to go in. But my aunt and grandmother helped me through. And when I saw my mom......she was beautiful. She was my mom, and I felt this warmth, even though she was gone. And right then and there I didn't want to leave her side. I stayed and stayed until they put her into the ground. She was still my mom, body and all. I know exactly what you were feeling. I miss my mom dearly. And oftentimes I do think of her body there all alone, in the ground, on top of my fathers. It drove me crazy for months after her death. It's hard to deal with. Right now, she doesn't have a headstone, just my fathers. It sickens me and makes me sad. That day was the most horrible of horrilbe.

I believe in signs too. I got them when my dad and mom passed away. Mostly through dreams and strong sensations. Sometimes my mind has a way of brushing it off, just because. But no, when I think about it, they were definite signs. I know what the difference is between real and no real. I believe in signs. Just have to be aware.

I haven't written in a long time. I lost my dad, 47, a few year ago, and my mom, 56, in Jan of 2006. Never got to say goodbye. They died unexpectedly. It's been a hard rode. Um...I'm writing because my Great Aunt ( My Grandmother's twin sister) is in the hospital, sick, in her last days. Her body is shutting down, she's not coherent at all. I visited her 3 days ago, and she did open her eyes and smile at me. But now, nothing. They called the family together last night to the hospital to pray. It's been really difficult. All the thoughts and emotions of the hell I went through after losing my parents is coming back in one gigantic freaking mountain collapsing. I can't eat, sleep. I'm nervous, shaky. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking, screaming. Last night I went to the cemetary and yelled at my parents. Seeing my great aunt like that, and then watching other family members crumble, just hurts. I can't bear it to think that they are going through what I went through losing my parents. And now we are losing another family member. My great Aunt is 78, just like her twin sister (my grandmother). My step grandfather is 81. So is it just going to be one big ripple effect?! I'm so afraid. My grandmother was there for me when I lost my parents. Is this what I'm looking forward to. I just attended the funeral of my best friend's grandmother. It's been so sad and stressful. I'm freaking out. Any advice from anyone? I can't bear all this death!

No one, family or friends mentioned my parents this holiday season. It's been 8 years since my father passed, and 2 years since my mother passed. This Holiday season was a little better. I mean, I felt better enough to at least buy a singing snowman, but not hang up house lights. Still sad time. No presents, except for the exchanges between me and my sibling. And even that was sad, since there's only 2 of us now. We felt like robots giving each other presents, like it was mechanical with no spirit. You know? I miss them dearly. No one asked. No one cares or remembers but us

I know what you mean. The same thing with my sibling. When my mother passed, she had her boyfriend there to help her out. Me, I had no one. So she always seemed in control of her feelings and stuff. While I was throwing tantrums in my mom's bedroom in the middle of the night, she and her boyfriend had to come in and help me. I was a basketcase. But she didn't cry or anything. So I always thought she was stronger than me. I felt like I was the one going crazy ! Well, it's been about 2 years now. We hardly talk about my mom's death, so I assume we are both ok. Well, about a week ago, our next door neighbor who had cancer for about a year, passed away. She was my mom's good friend. She was married with 3 kids, 18 and under. My sibling felt so bad, she cried and cried. When I came home, I noticed her eyes were red. I asked if she was ok. Then she started crying about my mom. I was sort of shocked because she hadn't really done that before. It made me scared about what else does she keep in. You know? When my dad passed away 10 yrs ago, I sought counseling, which helped me. So I knew what to do about my mother. I realize now that people grieve differently, and not only that, maybe it's better than we are all not breaking down at the same time. Maybe she had to keep strong for me, and maybe now it's my turn. That's my speculation. I probably wouldn't ask her though, because she probably did grieve, just different from me. I really miss my mom.

Thank you so much. Chuckles1984, you said a lot of things I hadn't even thought about. Like about life being really simple before, until it was thrown into a blender. That really puts a visual effect on how I'm feeling. And then grief as being a mental virus. Thats exactly what it feels like. The mental virus comes up every now and then, and you try to control it, but you can't. Seems like time is the only thing that can ease the pain. I also like the idea of having choices and options, and just taking the time to relax and deal with the grief and just wait. Yeah, perfect example. I met this guy at a Network Marketing event. Every time I saw him, we talked. However, a few times I couldn't come. He literally had the nerve to yell at me in an email about missing an opportunity, my life, etc. I just ignored it. I didn't know what else to say.....ugh.....my mom passed away, I have a mortgage that's sky high, working 2 jobs, staying busy so I don't feel alone, etc. It's just tough. You don't want to tell someone because you think they'll alienate you, but at the same time, when you don't tell them, they assume certain things. So I don't know. I usually just play it by ear, and when the time is right, I say something. Yes, it would be easier to date someone who understood.

Thank You Everyone for your words of encouragement. Sorry to hear about your losses and what you are all going through. I'm glad I can come here for support. I feel like I'm so lost. None of my family members talk about my mom anymore, and when I start to, then say I'm being 'negative'. Or whatever they want to call it. I just need someone to understand. I feel extremely frustrated. Yesterday I went to a baby shower and it was ok. But you know..... I started reflecting on my situation and started feeling bad for myself. And since it was coed, everyone there brought their significan other and babies. I spent the whole night comparing myself, asking why not me? I don't want to feel desperate. But it feels like 'time' is closing in on me. I don't know. I just want my mom back. When she was here, things were simple, and all I wanted was to spend my whole life with her. When she lost my father 8 years ago, she was miserable. I cared for her. We became really close. And now, I can almost see how she could have felt. Just the thought of not having someone there in your 'old' age. It's unbearable. I try to take it day by day, as it comes. I want to focus on the things that make me happy and live my life the best way I can. Thanks Shell for your words of encouragement and validation of my feelings. Thanks for listening to me. I haven't been to a grief group in a long time or even have 1 person I can spill my feelings to. So I'm glad I can post here. I know this is not a counseling dating service. But I just feel like my feelings are stemming from the grief. It all seems to be a part of it, and it's hard to separate, since my life has changed COMPLETELY. I hope someday Chuckles1984.....that we will be able to feel like ourselves again. We just need to hang in there. Thanks Haley, I would love to see the poem. Again, thank you all for listening and sharing.

Hello Everyone, It's been a long time since I've logged on. My mother passed away Jan 06 without warning. I still can't believe it. My dad passed away in 1999 without warning also. I miss them both very much. I've learned to move on with my life. And mostly it's gotten better. However I still feel broken. I'm 31 now, but I don't feel like it. I feel older. What hurts is that I don't have the motivation and fiery drive like I did when I was younger. Years after my dad passed, I was able to get 80% of my drive back. Still didn't feel like my 'true' self. But I was happy with my mom and my sister. We were so close, doing everything together. Then BAM!!! my mom passes. Now my drive is slowly at a standstill about 50%. I do what I can to stay afloat. Try to stay busy. I feel like I'm getting stronger everyday, but there are those hard times. Earlier this year, my sister got married. I was so happy for her. But at the same time, sad. Sad that my parents couldn't be there, and since I was the oldest, I had to be the one to see her off. And ever since then, I've been worried about my life. When I will meet someone and have a family of my own. I'm becoming so desperate. Hearing about friends and acquaintances getting married and having babies, just bums me out. I don't want to attend any of the functions or even hear about them. I mean, I'm really happy for them, but that's good for them. While they are gaining family members, I'm losing them ! It's sad. Is it normal thinking like that?!

Hi Everyone, Thanks for the support. I just can't stop crying. I no longer stay with my aunt. It took a while, but I was finally able to move back home and feel comfortable again. My sister and her boyfriend moved back in to, and we all lived together. Everything was going really good. I didn't feel so lonely coming home. But then yesterday my sister's boyfriend got picked up by INS and has been detained. We don't know what's going to happen to him. He was on a student visa. It's horrible. I couldn't sleep last night. It was just me and my sister in the house, and it felt like the day after my mom died all over again. It was sad and lonely. He's been with our family for 2 years now. From day 1 after my mom passed, he's been there helping out. He was there when all I could do was think about dying. He mediated arguments between me and my sister. He kept us from literally "LOSING IT" ! Now I have images of him being deported out, lonely house, and then my sister moving to another continent to be with him, and leaving me all ALONE. All I can do is wish my mom was here. We were supose to stick together ! She wasn't suppose to die and leave me ! I don't know how much more I can take. My sister has been the stronger one, but now I'm afraid she'll crack because of the situation. And there's no way I can hold her up and me too. I just can't do it The crap just doesn't stop !