NotCoping

My dad died on Saturday.

A video. Let it run thru once and then play it....

Sorry it has been so long since I've logged in. After my grandfather died, I went into a nose dive of sorts worried if my grandmother was going through what I went through. I still haven't found a job and was just getting ready to start packing the house headed for somewhere unknown to me when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He is terminal, so now I'm going (starting Sunday) to spend four days a week with him. He can't get out of bed and Hospice is taking care of him. Keep me in your thoughts. Love to you all, Mel

Hi Boo, I don't have anything specifically planned. I'm just going to head to the mountains and stay at friend's house. I don't really know what to do as far as specifics. We always just went out to dinner, and exchanged cards, and he bought me roses...

If any of you have watched the weather, it has rained here in the southeast Atlantic for a solid week. I don't know what it is about the clouds and rain, but it makes the loss of my husband even seem more tragic if that's even possible. I just had his birthday, and now on Oct. 3rd is our anniversary (I'm going to try to get out of town.). Anyway, today the sun came out and I played this song over and over. It helped my mood so I hope it helps someone else's even if for a moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPuYfFw-9Oo

Thank you all. Actually, it's just me and the pup today. I went out and bought some roses and lit a candle.

Today is the first birthday of Bob's that I can't see him. Please say a prayer for me.

Guys, I just sent this email to my husbands friend in Los Angeles who is having the "Memorial" on the 12th. If I could get there I would. "I was just using the same photo that you sent out on the 5th for a piece I'm doing for Bob's birthday party. You DO know __ that if you go through with this, you are going against my wishes and Bob's? I know you guys were friends, but Bob was VERY clear, and when you ignored me when I said to cc me in on everything you sent and you didn't, you violated his trust and mine. By all means, proceed, but please note, that Bob nor I wanted this. Bob specifically wanted his son ____, to step up for this, and I've made that very clear. I gave ????? every opportunity, even allowing him to take some of Bob's ashes, and he has not followed through, so if you do this thing on Sat., you giving him permission not to follow his father's wishes. I do not take this lightly. Bob was my world, and you can either proceed and have your ten guys a "not so memorial" beer (by the way, I've gotten all the email....uh...you don't invite NYC people to a local party...IT IS A MEMORIAL...we don't lie so well in the South) or you can step up and call this thing off.

Hi Boo, I'm just struggling. What can I say? I finally broke down today and called Hospice to see if I can get counseling. I had to leave a message. I think it was right after 5PM, so I don't think I'll get a call back until tomorrow. I just was getting desperate because of the depression. I just don't have anybody right now that I can depend on for help, and I'm becoming debilitated, it seems. I'm not sure what is going on, but it has been nine months yesterday since I lost my husband, and time hasn't healed anything as people say...at least not for me. I was doing better for a while, meaning that I actually started cooking instead of eating frozen dinners, and I began some classes which I'm still in, but I'm falling behind. Now, I just can barely move. If I can get counseling, I'm even dreading the drive two miles over to Hospice. It just seems like some monumental task. Maybe I am crazy. This board helps me, but I wish we all lived in the same town and I could do things with new friends.

Hi Deborah, I'd really like an answer to the same question. How could anyone know what is best for us at such a horrific time when we don't even know what we want ourselves. Most of the time, what we really need is to be heard when we talk whatever we want to talk about. People would rather tell you what you need rather than listen to what you have to say esp. if they've never had such a significant loss, it seems. For me, my husband's family never even tried to hear me, so I tried to force what I thought on to them. Anything that made any sense fell on deaf ears....all of the hard truths that I had to say (like "where was the respect for me when you backed a truck up to my house two days after his death and took what you wanted as if I never existed and nothing was mine?" - couldn't it have waited? No...too busy) made them scatter in all directions. My friends and family have meant well, but they would've been better off not saying a word. I used to hold everything in, but when my angel died, I stopped and it wasn't by choice. It just happened. Luckily, they understand that it's a sensitive time, and they also understand that they have no idea what I feel. While I've not taken my own advice, I think I would've been better off if I could have let things slide or ignored it, but raw emotion took over. A month or so (maybe weeks) after my husband died, a friend told me that I should be "over it by now". One week after he died, another friend said "He wouldn't want you laying around wallowing in self-pity - get back into life". At the same time, both of those friends have a 50/50 chance of the same thing happening to them. So if you find the answer to Why, I'd like to know as well. All I can guess is that they haven't been through and just have no clue. I know that when I've found myself in situations when I'm not knowledgeable about something, I tend to keep my mouth shut.

Kath, I'd really like to try to help you. Why not PM me with your system information, i.e. what operating system you're using, and I'll see what I can find out that may help. The Geek Squad is really expensive, I agree (and not worth it half the time). I'm a couple of months from being A+ certified, so if I can't figure it out, I have a class full of people and an instructor who might be of help if you're using Windows. If you're on a Mac, I have a friend who is a Mac guru, so don't give up. Just don't write too much to your hard drive just yet.

Lostluv, Mary Linda was the first to respond to me when I first joined less than two weeks after losing my husband. She wrote the following and I've found it to be so true. For me, I have managed to come to a point where I could do all of the things I need to do - at first I could barely move - this went on for three months or so; lately I feel that with the surprise upcoming "not so memorial", an additional death in the family, and all of the anniversaries coming up, I'm back to square one. I've learned that grief isn't something where there are set stages that you go through until you reach the last one; you go back through stages that you thought you were finished with and they hit you out of the blue. I went through and still go through a lot of anger at the total lack of respect from his family. Here is Mary Linda's original response. I almost have it memorized, and for weeks after she wrote it, I repeated lines back to myself every day just to get through them. Right now you just exist. You eat, drink and sleep and just make it through a day. Then you wake the next morning and start all over. In the near future you're going to have to put some things in order. You will have to pay bills, buy groceries,etc. You just do what makes you feel good for right now. It is all about you and don't let anyone make you feel bad for that. I don't know the circumstances of your husbands death but no matter what at some point you will go through the what could I have done, what should I have done, what would I have done. I call it the coulda, woulda, shoulda syndrome and no matter how much you did you'll probably go through this. I'm glad you found this site and there will be times when you'll just read and times when you wonder if it's the right spot because when someone new joins us most of us go back to the beginning for a little bit and get sad again. Then you come to that first time you post something that you think maybe helped someone and some healing takes place. I hope you have some friends and family to help you through this but if not we are your family too. You may find that people desert you like you have leporsy. Know that you are not alone in that either, many of us have gone through it. So for now just take care of you and if you have questions, just ask. There is NOTHING you can't say here.

Ever since my grandfather died, I seem to have gotten worse in my process. It's what I can only describe as a downward spiral. I'm scared that things are going to get even worse because I'm crying a lot more in the last month or so, and I realized today that last year on this day, my husband and I and our puppy were in the Rockies enjoying the cool weather and Lake Dillon. He wasn't well by any means at the time, but I just thought we'd get home and patch him up again as we'd done many times before. Now, on Sept. 19th, I have his birthday to remember and our anniversary on Oct. 3 and then that horrible day last year - Dec. 1 coming up, plus the holidays once again. Last Thanksgiving, they had to remove his wedding band at the hospital. I still wear it around my neck and have never taken it off. His family and most of his friends have all deserted me. His friend is holding a memorial in L.A. since his kids never did (like they were supposed to) and I found out everyone (I think) was invited except me. When I protested, I was told it was just a few of the guys getting together for a beer, and not really a memorial. I was asked for an email list; I sent it and asked to be cc'ed in on it, but alas it was sent out without me on it. I was so angry because I was the one here through all of his illness; no one else was. I was the one who held him up....no one else did. When someone finally forwarded it to me, I seemed to be the only one missing. I'm trying my best just to let it go because I know it's toxic, and I know exactly what Bob would say, but I can't type what he would say here. I know that he always reminded me that "we are our family now", and I keep saying that to myself. I still don't have a job and the money is running out and the stress is difficult. I've been looking at houses that I could buy for less expensive than this one, but this was our home...our only home, and I don't think I'm ready. I'm fighting as hard as I can to pull myself up, and I need your prayers. Thanks for listening.

I've been praying for some sort of sign that my husband is Ok and that he understands why I had to take him off life support (as I still feel so guilty). There was one time in recent months that I can think of where I reached over in the bed and felt him there, and I could see him and he held my hand. I got out of the bed because I was so shocked, and turned the light on and he was gone. I keep telling myself it was a dream, but it felt too real. I could literally feel his hand. It's hard to explain and sounds bizarre, but it's what happened. I keep looking in mirrors hoping I'll catch a glimpse of him. I have no idea why I do that or why mirrors all of the sudden having some sort of meaning to me. He used mirrors a lot for lighting...maybe that's why. Just my thoughts.

I having been on here for a while because I have just been spiraling out of control lately. I wish I'd seen this earlier. Kath, I don't know if you've gotten some help yet. Too bad I'm not there, or I could probably retrieve those files for you. The next best thing I can offer is some free software to recover your files. If you haven't written over the files, this should work. P.S. I tried it first just to make sure. Let me know if I can help some other way. For my friends around the country, I just fix their computers by logging in from here, but never let anyone do that unless you know them. Let me know if this software works for you. http://www.premiumdatarecovery.com/?recove...CFU8M2godujf2fA

I went to the funeral home last night and the funeral is in an hour from now, and I just couldn't go. Everybody understands, but I wish I could have made it through. I held up fine last night for my grandmother. I think the rest of my family was expecting me to fall apart. My sister told me that of all the widows that she knows, I'm having the hardest time. I don't think so. I think she meets widows (mostly at her church) who do what we all do - put on a good face half the time to avoid "the look" and we don't want to be "exposed". I suppose from now on, I can't talk about my feelings with my sister or cry. I just have to pretend I'm just fine and dandy. Has anyone else had this happen? It makes me feel so alone because if I express emotion, which inevitably comes out, I'm the crazy widow. If I don't, then it's all small talk and fake talk.

Thanks Marty. I'm going to do this because I was the first in my family to lose a spouse. They didn't want to tell me, but my sister tells me everything. I did speak to my grandmother, and she seems fine, but I know that she is in shock. I'm the only one who knows what to say to her and what not to say. I've been up all night, and I'm waiting on a neighbor to bring me some good coffee, then I'm heading out of town (not far, just a different town) to her house with Rascal. Thank you all. I just can't stop crying, and all night I said to my grandfather...please tell my husband how much I love him.

I need the poem someone submitted. Heck, maybe I submitted it about the person who died who is still here watching over us...it says they are just in the next room and to talk to them as if they were there. My grandfather died tonight. I don't know if I'll make it, but I'm the first in line so to speak for the eulogy. Please help.

I'll be damned if I'll go through this again. My grandfather just died, and my 80-year old grandmother is going to go through what I've been through. I won't let that happen. Can someone PLEASE send me the poem. It says something like..I'm in the next room. I'm the oldest and this is my responsibility.

I'm praying, Mary Linda. What a precious gift for you. I was just saying to my dog yesterday that he is a total blessing. My guess is if the pup was properly taken care of, then probably no one will bother to put an ad in the paper. If you've bonded already with the pup, then he belongs to you.

Yeah, Boo. I've always been known for my producing abilities. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all meet up in the States (while we still have States). I was thinking we could all get together somewhere and just have a nice chat.

"What the heck are you doing?" is about right on that one. I smile every time I look at it right before bursting into tears. He often had that look esp. when it came to me doing something he didn't understand. It was more of an amused look. One thing I've found in the last 7+ months is this, and maybe it will help some of the newer people. I don't know. For the first four months, I did nothing but cry. If someone was around me and something funny came on TV, they would laugh and I would be resentful. How could they possibly laugh? I certainly couldn't find anything funny much less laugh at anything - it's not fair to laugh when he isn't here to hear it - he loved my laugh. Then one day in the last couple of months, I caught myself laughing at something. At first I was mad at myself for laughing, and then I could almost feel him smiling at me. It's a roller coaster - I laugh at something - then, I feel him there, then I cry for missing him. People said in the beginning that you'll learn to laugh again. I didn't believe it, and there are days and sometimes weeks when I don't laugh, but that I can is some sort of step even if a small one.

Here is my husband Bob.

I was hoping I'd get an "Oh yeah" or "ah ha" or a good, even if painful, laugh out of that video. "They" really don't know about us...is the point. I've lost friends for no reason, no one comes around except the brave. It's because "they" don't know about us. As my Bob once told me "We're our family now." That doesn't change.

Sometimes I can speak better with music. This was meant to be a funny song, but it reminds me so much of my husband and me. Who doesn't like Tracy? I've been listening to it tonight. If you're not inclined you may not get it, but my husband and I had a good age difference and some didn't get it. What is age anyway? We were soulmates and I cry everyday for him.