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clam

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  1. my mum died in 1996 so althought memories are old i hope that they can still be of help to you. scattering her ashes was hard but for us it was probably closer to her death and so more just another feature of the numbness of that time. the worse thing about scattering ashes is that there is nowhere that you can go and know that they are there to talk to them. that has been so hard for me. im not going to lie to you it does hurt to scatter them, i expect its worse than burrial. the final goodbye. its the knowing that from that point you are never going to see them again in any shape of form or in any place. i used to take comfort that my mother was flying on the wind. but 10 years later i dont know where to think she is. i remember the day we scattered my mum, i cant remeber anything that was said but i can still see my dad wadding into the water with my brother. i remember the biggest lump in my throat. i suppose i dont actually have much advice to give i have told you a bit my experience and maybe that will help. just think of it as the final goodbye. just think that just by asking to be scattered on the Pocono mountains your father has given you with his death an amazing trip. i know that this sounds stupid because you would much rather go under different circumstances. but mayb you could try to really get a breath of fresh air when up those mountains see what your dad wanted mayb wanted to you to get from the trip. i bet this sounds rubbish and annoying but mayb it wont. clam xxx
  2. so my mum died when i was eight (im now 17), she got breast cancer when i was 4. she should have gone in for the surgery to remove the tumour over christmas but she didnt want ruin christmas so she waited till after (predictably i have to think wot that delay could have meant).the cancer came back, to her liver and her bones, there was noway, there could be no miricle. we were told 2/3 times i think by my dad that she would not make it past the weekend. after the first time tho this didnt seem to matter because if she can surprise doctors once.... but she did die. i have been without my mum for half my life. she is never bloody talked bout coz my dad "sealed that box away a long time ago and it hurts to open" my elder sisters cant or wont remember-blocked it out and then theres me...the one that cant quite ever get over it. the one thats too young to have memories that arnt created frm photos or scrapes from other people.the one that never bloody gets to tlk about it. my step mum gets moody withany slight mention of it- like a dead women is competition to her. i thought i had reali grieved ( and i did ) in 2004. in 2004 altho she died in 1996 it reali hit me and i dunno i suffered, i wept it was awful so hard and it was just for me. after my mum died the family went wrong for years. bt 2004 wasnt too bad so i think it just came and hit me-hard. but tonight trying to sleep my thought snapped back to her and i thought that u can find anything on the net right..... this year for her anniversairy i will be away at uni. my family doesnt do anything 4 it- havent reali 4 ages. but i knw wot this year wil mean: as soon as death is passed the 2 year mark no1 cares-its just a battle scar 10 years no1 will give a **** she will just b dead to every1. does that make any sense? she will b dead to every1. i make it worse by shrugging it off saying "ah well it was nearly 10 yrs ago" it becomes less than trivual and that keeps me awake i think. its so "in the past" to every1 well as u can tell this isnt me making much sense or at the best of times i just want something....some answers that i knw arnt there....some help that nevr seems to come. maybe i just had to put it out there yunno
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