lucia

Hi there kath. First of all ((((kath))))) it must be very hard for you. I lost my mom when I was 6, my brother was 9. And well at first my dad wasnt able to take care of us. He literally lived in his bedroom for months after mom died, which is pretty understandable. My grandparents moved to our house and they were encharged of us while my dad got a little better. But to make things short, my dad is my best friend end of it. He's very very supportive, he's always there for my brother and I. I cant talk to him about everything, he's my rock. At first, they explained to me that my mom went to heaven and all that initial stuff. I understood, but at the same time I didnt and I was really upset that she didnt showed up for my seventh birthday party. I finally understood completely and that was when the sadness began. I wanted my mom back. That's the only thing I wanted. I think that at first I thought that heaven was this sort of place where people rested and then they came back healthy. They never told me the key fact that heaven was forever at first. When she died I of course cried, and mothers day was hell becuase all my classmates took their moms. Instead I went and talked to people about how amazing my mommy was and how she was in heaven watching over me, but that one day Iw as going to see her and that she was going to come for my birthday. I wish that someone would have told me before that she was not coming back. But anyway, just listen to your kids. If they want to talk about their dad fine, if they dont, dont pressure them. I hated that as a kid. Life changed a lot. It was weird not to listen to her voice. It was weird not to listen to her saying my name. It was weird to go in my parents bedroom without seeing her there. Also, it was so weird no to go to the hospital, Ieven missed her screams of pain(yes as awful as it sounds) in the middle of the night. She was in pain but she was there. It wasnt the same to get home from school without her giving me a hug and a kiss and asking me how school was. It was so hard to pick what clothes I was going to wear to school, that was my mom's job. She picked my clothes and she had a nice taste and my dad was (he is now lol) the best in picking it. I miss everything about her and I remember things as if they happened yesterday. I also feel sad for the times we didnt had together. For the conversation that we will never have. She will not be there in person when I get married. Een though I always have her in my heart. It didnt affected us financially, she was a stay at home mom. I will add more but now I have to go. Take care.

Is it okay if I add my mom and dad's name to the list??? Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve Jack and John Karen and Jack Jan and Dale Joe and Marsha Larry and Deborah Kathy and Bob Bruce and Gail Pat and Walter (((Jackie ))) and Fred Charlie and Patti Lawrence and Jackie Paula and Ken Rob and Cindy Alejandra and Ricaard

this is amazing!! thankyou

first of all *hugs* i know how you feel, i hurt inside when I think of what my mom went through whil she was alive. When I look at her pictures, I cant help it, it just hurts. Becuase it's obvious she was suffering. it takes time.

Sorry that I wasnt able to reply, but I went to Colorado to spend the Holidays there... MaryT, thankyou for your nice words of comfort and good resources, i'll check them out I've been fine, on the 27th we had this special ceremony for my mom and it was nice. Sad but nice. My brother made this beaitiful memorial dvd with songs and video footage. Pretty emotional. My grandma gave us some pictures that i've never seen before of my mom, brother and I, apparently she lost them but she gave them to us in beautiful frames and she made them bigger. Nice present I got.

My brother used several nice songs for my mom's memorial dvd, this is one of my favorites: I will be the answer At the end of the line I will be there for you While you take the time In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground I will hold the balance If you can't look down If it takes my whole life I won't break, I won't bend It will all be worth it Worth it in the end Cause I can only tell you what I know That I need you in my life When the stars have all gone out You'll still be burning so bright Cast me gently Into morning For the night has been unkind Take me to a Place so holy That I can wash this from my mind The memory of choosing not to fight If it takes my whole life I won't break, I won't bend It will all be worth it Worth it in the end 'Cause I can only tell you what I know That I need you in my life When the stars have all burned out You'll still be burning so bright Cast me gently Into morning For the night has been unkind

they gave me a memory bear after my mom died, it's nice. It makes you feel better somehow

im 16

For some reason the Christmas Carol called What child is this? reminds me of my mom, that used to be her favorite carol.

I'm deeply deeply sorry for your loss, may you get the strength you need and I'll be thinking of you *hugs*

It was sad to put the tree up. It was my dad's idea, we both cried and remembered stuff and all. Sad. My dad lived witha videocamera and I'm thankful for that really. But also I have avery good memory of my childhood with my mom which is good, like if everything happened yesterday. Well life has been good overall, I have my friends, I do well at school I have a scholarship in a private highschool here which is good, I have a boyfriend that I love very much, again my brother is my best friend, I have a great relationship with my dad, we're close but there are things that I can't tell him, you know, girl stuff. Thanks for your words of support, and higs and kisses to you, Lucia.

Thankyou, she was right? Sorry I must say it, proud daughter. Thanks for replying mlg, I have several things that belonged to her and I always carry them with me. That band that she had in her hair is mine and I'm wearing it in my wrist now. It's special and I also carry pictures in my handbag and everywhere I go. Thankyou so much and hugs to you *hugs*

Thanks for replying leeann. I feel like I'm grieving backwards. The older I become, I miss her more and more, the older I become it gets harder. The magic of Christmas died when my mom died, you know this year my dad and I put the Christmas tree in our house for the first time since she died. We couldnt stop crying during the whole thing. She loved to make ornaments, looking at them makes me cry because I remember when she was doing them. She was really creative. I talk to her everyday, its weird sometimes I feel that she's beside me and I turn around and she's not there. Bit her prescence is so strong, not only in our house but everywhere. I take her with me everywhere I go and it hurts A LOT. I know she loves me I know, but I'll love to listen to her voice telling me that. I'll love to feel her embrace again. I'll love to listen to her laughter. She had a very peculiar laughter you know. I catched my brother watching a home video of Christmas Day 1997, the best Christmas if you ask me. She was healthy and dazzling. My dad used to videotape EVERYTHING lol. So we where having breakfast I think, yes I think we were becuase I was in my pyjamas. So, I was telling my bro that he should share his toys with me so I said "Remember Leon(my brother's name) everything of yours is mine and everything of mine is.." my mom interrupted and said "Yours, everything of mine is yours" I giggled and said "Mommy dont be silly! Everything of mine IS mine!" And she laughed. I just miss her laughter, I would give everything just to listen to her laughter again. But still she's always in my heart and will always be. I've tried counseling but it didnt worked, I guess no one can help us with this pain. You know she lasted so long with this disease. When she was diagnosed they gave her 15% chance of survival to 1 to 2 years max. She survived six. Why? I didnt knew why before, she suffered so much, especially during the first two years, she had complications during surgery, and her chemo. But she lingered. I found her diaries when I was 12 and it was to tempting. I read them like a beautiful piece of literature. I couldnt stop crying when I read that unleast she wanted to see me start first grade and she did. She died 3 months later. She was stronger than any of us. I feel that my mom wouldnt like me to be this sad. I mean I see that some people move on, but me?. There's this girl in school that lost her mom too and she's different or maybe she doesnt make her sadness as obvious as me. My bro and I have always been close, I love that guy even though he can be a little immature and I have to keep him under control. He's agreat guy I dont know what I'll do without my big bro. But I envy him becuase he had more time with my mom. He was 9 when she died. THankyou, actually that was one of her last pictures, it was taken November 28, 1998 days before she died. Yes, my mom was a beauitful woman but nah, she had her special beauty that I dont have. Thankyou again leeann Thanks Amy and hugs to you. Yes, sometimes I wonder why my mom had to be one of that 10% of adults with Neuroblastoma, it's just so unfair.

they're amazing right? those words are beautiful {{hugs}}

This made me cry.

Mom, I miss you so much. Mom, you'll always be in my heart. Mom, I want you to know that I'll always keep my promise. In my wedding you'll be there. When I have kids, you'll be there. And when I die mom, you're the first one that I want to see. In Memory of: Alejandra Leonora den Adel March 26, 1970 - December 27, 1998 Mom, Do you remember that day when my dad took that picture? I do. You hated your hair I remember. It didnt matter to me, it didnt matter to us. Becuase you looked beautiful, no matter what. unfgfgtitled.bmp

First let me introduce myself, my name is Lucia and I'm 16. My mom passed when I was 6 almost 10 years ago, in December 27, 1998. Sometimes I feel like she died yesterday, my brother, dad and I haven't been over it yet. And it has been almost 10 years, 10 years in which I have to go through life without a mom, 10 years of confusion. Sometimes I blame myself for it, she was diagnosed with Adult Neuroblastoma, which is VERY rare in adults as only 10% of Neuroblastoma cases occurs in adults. My mom had to be one of the 10%. I blame myself becuase she was diagnosed when I was 3 months old. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't been born she wouldn't have gotten this rare cancer. And I'm not saying this because other people have told me, I just don't know. My dad says I'm being silly, that what happened to mom is not my fault. That it just happened. Well, she fought with this beast for 6 years, Going in very short remissions and relapses during those years. I grew up in a hospital, most of my baby pictures with my mom are when she was recieving treatments. But she was wonderful anyways, I remember that she had the most calming voice ever, I remember her smile, I remember the last time we spoke, it was Christmas day 1998, she fell into a coma hours later and died 2 days later. Her last words to me where "Baby, please promise me you'll never forget me, please promise that you'll keep me close to your heart". I was just 6 years old, and I was just upset, I knew that she was going, but at the same time I couldn't understand. But I'll always keep my promise. And to this day I haven't failed. I think about her everyday. I try to remember the good times, but also the sad times come to my mind. That Christmas she gave my dad, brother and I a special present, she called it "memory present", she gave me a beautiful scrapbook, that she filled through the years with pictures and poems she wrote to me. In the end she left me a beautiful but haunting message. I couldnt understand when I was younger, but now I just love to see the scrapbook to read all those beautiful words. I remember the day she died with great sadness, everything in the house was just strange that day. The morning of Decmber 27 was full of emotions, my brother and I where watching everything from the doorway, my dad was there beside my mom, crying over her body. I didn't knew what was going on but I was crying. I was standing there crying, just that, crying. I knew that my mom had "gone to heaven" when my brother ran into the room crying and yelling, my mom to wake up, but she didn't she wasn't even moving, she was dead. I was afraid, very afraid. 10 years later, I feel the same. I don't have my mom and I need her. I see my friends with their moms and I just hate them, becuase I don't have mine. Becuase mine died 10 years ago and I'm still not over it. My brother became this cold young person that doesnt care that much about things, he doesnt talk to dad that much anymore, he only talks to me. I'm close to my dad and grandparents, they're the only persons I have left. My mom was the youngest of 3 siblings, she was 28 years old, she had a life ahead of her. She was supposed to be the one to bury her parents, not the other way around, we were supposed to bury her, yes, but no that soon. My mom taught me a lot of things, she taught me to be nice and honest, she taught me to be respectful, she taught me to love myself, she taught me to love my herritage and she loved to follow traditions, she was American of Dutch/Mexican ancestry, she mixed the 3 of them. She loved traveling when she was healthy. We had the chance to go to Spain(my dad is Spainiard), a month before her final relapse, we had a great time. Still, I find myself yelling "Mom", when I get home from school, and yelling again just to find out that she's not there, and she hasn't been for 10 years. Everything smells like her still, everything. Sometimes I look over at the places she loved around the house and I see her, and I blink and she's gone. 10 years and I fill that I need to get over it before this destroys me, before it destroys all of us. My dad dated 2 women years after my mom died, but no, none can replace my mom, she was one of a kind, and my dad doesnt seem to want another woman in his life. I like to stare at the big picture of her at her wedding, and it scares me when I look in the mirror, it saddens everyone. I look just like her. I remember her in her better self, she was tall, pale, thin, with wavy light brown hair and green eyes,. My uncle says that they used to tease her becuase of her "chinese eyes", and that they tease her telling that she was adopted. Also, he told me how much she hated her ears, and that when I was born she said that I was cursed with the big ear syndrome . I just want to listen to her voice again, telling me that she's fine, I wish she can take all my pain away. My brother's and my dad's pain also. I want her to know how much I miss and need her. I just want to tell her I love her. But also I just want to let her rest, I feel that I haven't, I feel that my brother and I haven't let my mom go in peace. We cry daily for her, we just cant help it, we were so young. We love to look at pictures of us when we where kids becuase she was there, and even though she was sick, she showed us a smile. I hope she's happy with us, but I doubt it. I bet she's sad, I bet she wouldn't have liked to see me destroyed and depressed. My friends tell me to get over it but I can't and they don't understand. They don't understand how hard it was for me witness my mom fading away slowly. To see her getting weaker and weaker each day. They don't understand what it is, to be living with only one part of your heart, while the other was buried ten years ago. They didn't had to wake up to listen to their mom crying, and kneeling by their beds, begging to god not to let her go, begging to god for a miracle. They don't know. So in a couple of days, it will her death aniversary and we're having a "Remembering day" for her in her hometown. Boulder, CO. This will be a hell of a Christmas, again. Thanks for listening, and im sorry that this was way too long.