Hol

George thank you for the response. I also thought 36 years would speak for itself, it does not. When I'm asked if I have a certification the conversation ends. I suppose if I get the certification it would open those doors, but time is going also, I stopped IT in 2014. I feel like everything I worked for meant nothing. I don't even qualify for the entry level helpdesk, and I half wonder if it is the over 50 thing. Each day, I respond to another job ad and maybe something decent will appear you sound like a really great person to work with, I'm glad that integrity means a lot still to some people thank you !!

Hi Kay I had a wonderful job also, the people I worked with were like family, I thought it was time to move on..after 36 years. I thought nursing would be in honor of my mother that could not finish it, I also thought I'd be giving back. I have been reading the nursing websites lately and most are feeling the same as I do. Nursing has changed, it's thankless and overworked. I remember going with my mom to her surgeries, each nurse was wonderful, respectable. Well, that was the last career I would have gone into, simply because I could not stand the site of blood or the gore. My mom would flip now, if she knew all that changed !!! I miss those "happy sounds", the weather is getting gloomy now and it's not good timing. I let this event get to me and promptly ran to my doctor today to get some anti depressants. I have fought this since my parents passed and now all seems hopeless. I will have a difficult time being hired, the age, I cannot push the "med cart" because you don't get enough time to finish, no breaks, no time for the potty and your feet swell at the end of the shift. I'm too old for that, but sadly those are the available jobs, but even know they have bumped up the minimum exp to 2 years, it used to be 1, I have 7 months...lol I feel like i'm a hamster in that running cage, going nowhere. I made a friend at work, she has been a nurse for 30 years, she knows everyone, but has not offered a job to me...odd...so, either I'm a terrible nurse, or she doesn't want to go out on the limb for me. tomorrow I start this magic pill, but it will not help me forget my family, it will not get me a new job to pay my bills, it won't make my life better, so, to me it seems hopeless to take the thing .... uggggghhh

Kay you made a right choice to get off the road !!! that was a lot of driving !!! and im glad you found peace ,,,, peace.. sounds so nice !!! yup, guns on steps, traversing dark hallways not knowing who was lurking. Driving my fancy sports car into bad places, and I never made a complaint, I just wanted to keep the job even if it meant being treated poorly. honestly not sure if any place I work will give appreciation

Thank you Kay.... I think yesterday I was numb, today it hit me harder. I related to you...... I had an orientation with a new agency today. When I got back to my car, I drove home missing my parents terribly. I know it sounds odd, but , yes, it is that lonely feeling. When I got home, I full out cried in the car. I had such a good life and it has been gone for such a long time. Last night I was up again, can you believe the sound of silence can be so annoying!!?? I wanted to get in my car and just drive somewhere. Sometimes, I just don't know how I go on without my family. I find no happiness except for my 2 dogs, I don't care to travel anymore. The interests I had, have long been gone. But, now after working so hard for this new nursing career and getting the shaft for being a good hearted person kind of sets me under water even more. I don't have one single person to even tell this feeling to. I feel like I'm going to crash at any moment. and yes, you are smart, there is a discrimination thing going on with the company I worked for. it is clear and evident and they can actually get away with it. But, that does not make them a good company and to be honest. I had to work in very bad areas of the inner city. Someone has been watching over for my safety this entire time I've been with the company. At one point, I was told to walk over guns laying on steps. It might be a good thing I'm out of there, they never thought I fit in to the culture. hugs to you, I know they feeling you have with the loneliness also

I am venting, so please excuse me !!! I have been going downhill since my parents died (I already posted this). I changed careers from 36 years of IT to nursing. Yup a brave move at a late stage in life. I grew up with my mom in and out of cancer hospitals. I used to be in awe of the wonderful nurses that helped her for many many years. I am now one and I'm finding it is not what I thought it would be. I only did the one year LPN program, it gets you to a nurse but it does not get the respect. I was quickly hired full time, med benefits and all, I worked hard as a field nurse, tons of mileage, working in inner city situations, worked late hours that were not to be paid for. I was badgered, never scrutinized, just if I made one wrong step, they would clobber me. I worked for hospice (a familiar job). I got kicked out of a facility because I entered a room, saw the patient breathing like a fish out of water and asked the attending nurse if she needed help. My error, was not stating my name on entry. I'll never understand the severe punishment of kicking me out of a facility, when my primary task was to help the patient out of a crisis leaving introductions as on the back burner. my next error, was working with an elderly lady, anxiety, pain. I asked her if the facility has a meditation program, would you want to try it. I was able to calm her and lower her blood pressure by just talking to her and holding her hand. she thought it was a great idea. well, I received a nasty email from my big boss telling me she needed to do massive damage control for the terrible mess I made. I got kicked out of that place also. today I told the new RN nurse to be careful of mentioning meditation to a patient because it landed me in trouble. I was called into the office after that and let go. I did nothing wrong in any of these cases, but I am up at 3:00 am as I always wake up (even before this), there is a horrible sound of silence, lonely, daunting, restless. I wish I could just speak to the only 2 people that ever cared for me and I cannot reach them. I have no idea of what to do for a job now, nursing is a disappointment and I have not had a good exp in the whole 7 months of the career. I was never fired in my life until I reached 56. I know I write in here when I'm in crisis and I am.... my life is not good, mentally I'm getting tired of holding everything together. I need money and don't know what to do. 36 years of IT is basically meaningless because I never had a degree in that field......... uggggghhhh...just want to be with my family

Hi Laura, I can relate to you. Being artistic makes things so much more personal, it makes a special bonding !!! hugs to you !!!

I used to be on this forum also years ago, then stopped. My new career started only six months ago, I quit my good one in 2014 and went to college for the first time. I didn't make any quick decisions after my parents died. But this nursing has been so disappointing. In a way, I did it for my mother, she always wanted to be a nurse, for me, I could never stand the sight of blood, but it is different now. My mom never felt smart enough to go nursing school, I challenged myself to bring her desire to life, I got it done, even passed tops in my class. OKCrew - and all of you, I feel a connection also. I also feel I'm retreating into myself, perhaps just passing time until I am gone also. I have a "friend" for 30 years. She moved out of state, but we still text (text, can you imagine, not even a phone call) and to be honest, I almost feel uncomfortable phoning her. She came back for a visit, but there was no time for me, she went to a concert, but could not invite me. There was something disappointing in that, something hurtful. This is not all the detail, but she lost everything and a job, she moved in with her daughter and does not like it there, but would like to move with me to a place I always wanted to go. She knows she can live for free with me there. Anyway, I never ask for anything of anyone. But, I told her it was a hurtful thing to do, knowing I don't go anywhere and to come back home for a concert and to not invite me. Well, I concluded what I was never able to see all these years, there was no friendship, it was only using me. I heard nothing back from her, no sorry, not even to ask what she did , even if she was clueless. I just give up on friends and embrace I had the best friends at one time.... I wish everyone peace here as well and thanks for the virtual hugs

you guys get it !! thank you, it helps. my heart goes out to all of you I think I have chosen to be miserable, I saw an interview with Billy Bob Thorton and the loss of his brother when he was small. the loss still gets to him, he embraces it now and is still .meloncoli, he said his brother deserves that, I could relate to it.

thank you all for your lovely heart felt responses. I know you relate to me and that feels like a "hug" of some sort. It is another sleepless night, I often wonder how I function in the day. I think my job is depressing me on top of things. Thank you also for the resources you have offered. Most likely I have done these things, since the passing of my parents, I have counted 10 different counselors, some idiotic that I could not waste my funds on after 3 sessions. Others wound up being just a paid person to talk to each week. One even used to yawn through our session (how can you continue with someone like that). I found all of them through good sources (hospice, grief as their specialty, I even was accepted into a complicated grief study at a large hospital in new york city) out of all the counselors, none of them offered much in relief, the cure to lonely holidays is just common sense (be a volunteer, go to a friends home..etc) this doesn't replace the family I had and to be honest, it's makes the holiday even more lonely. I became a member of an after life organization, it helped me for awhile, helped in a way that I felt I will be with my family once again some day. There was hope of a reunion. However, now I am doubting an after life at all. My father would have given me a sign, it was his way, he would have come through no matter what obstacle they would put up for him on the "other side". So, now I feel if there is an after life, my parents and family have just abandoned me, left me floundering here. if there is no afterlife, my heart breaks for my mother that battled cancer since I was a child, it never left her alone. My parents could never plan anything, they never had extra money because of bills, my mom had so many things unaccomplished and "God" gave her a crappy hand in life, her disappointments out weigh my own. For this my heart will ever feel so sorry for her. I'm not sure why any of us are here, do we have a purpose or just accidents of nature that were cursed with "feelings" ? I have out lived any spark of interest in life. I have little to look forward to but losing my pets, getting sick and being alone and lingering in a nursing home where I witness how poorly those people are treated. I know many of you are thinking the same way, lonely also, cursed with "feelings". I say cursed because if I didn't have feelings, I might be in a different frame of mind. thank you all for listening (again).

Hello to anyone that reads this. You have had a loss as well, and I am so sorry for your loss(s). I know the sting and hurt and unrest you go through. For me, I have been limping along with loss for a very long time, my family was very small, we were very close and I never had very good friends, never met a good partner. My loss started 9 years ago, my mom died, she was my best friend, 2 years later, my father died unexpectedly. I had three dogs, one died the day before he died and the another 6 months after. I was left with the third dog that my father insisted on adding to the family of pets a year after my mom died. I am continually grateful for that and I love her something silly. I bought a pal for her and they are now my only family.. sometimes I feel like I'm weird, why no good friends ? why no good boyfriend or husband ? to ride life out with. Then other times I just don't care, it is the way the cards fell for me in this life. I'm not a weirdo or anti social, I don't have weird quirks or odd behavior. I once lived life, traveling, piloting, having my own bead business established from a hobby. I have friends , well acquaintances that I've known for 30+ years, but none could be available when I had an emergency of my appendix, none are available at all to be honest (everyone is too busy with their own lives). My house was clobbered in the sandy storm and none could take me in because I had 2 little dogs. So, I cannot call them friends at all, they are just people I know. I once had a wonderful life and a wonderful family with tons in common and with who I had the best times of my life with. I was told, parents are suppose to pass, and I know this, but mine were young, they were barely out of their teens when I was born, My mom suffered cancer since I was 2, but she battled each one bravely and moved on. My dad was strong shouldered, he was the rock, the person to count on. He was never too busy for you and in an emergency he would be there yesterday. He had a fix for everything and somehow what I learned from him gets me through every day life. I had a very good job for my education, I left it 2 years ago to pursue nursing to which I terribly regret. I work in hospice now, I thought I would be helping patients. Instead, it is just a business full of bumbling mistakes of the higher management and co workers. Documentation is required to be altered, I watch mistakes being made every day and covered up. There is something sickening about it, nursing is not what I expected, not what I saw each time I went to the hospital with my mom since I was 2.My pay check is now 1/3 of what I used to make and I cannot possibly live on this for long. going back to my old work is impossible without extensive education at this point. I literally committed financial suicide along emotional suicide. I cannot sleep through one night even, I wake up every night. I miss the only people that ever cared for me. I miss the holidays and having a home cooked meal with my family, I miss the shopping and the arts and crafts we used to do, the adventurous travels we made, even a telephone call from my mother or my father insisting we keep in contact every day. We were a unit, not an odd unit, we had fun together, everything was an adventure. I feel I have been through a nightmare with their loss, but I also feel so terribly grateful to have had such a wonderful family and to be filled with wonderful memories. Not everyone gets that chance, but even this makes the loss more difficult. I was told it would get better over time. Perhaps the sting of the missing things has eased a little, but it has base lined and will never go away and truly, it has not eased all that much. Sometimes on the weekend I'm compelled to try to figured out where I can go to feel close to them, but I cannot find one. Sometimes I see the back of a head that resembles one of them, dressed like them and I find relief for that nano second. I have been to grief groups, eventually they all move on with life, never coming back, some cry they lost a husband and 6 months later, they find someone to marry again. Some just drop out, their pain has subsided. There was never a group I joined that could understand my loss as substantial, the loss of a child always was the worst loss, next, a spouse or sibling. The parents are apparently at the level of a loss of a pet. I never thought one loss was worse than another. I understood all of the losses, but my loss was to be expected, because it was natural. I even got the feeling they were wondering what was wrong with me for not understanding the losses were to be expected. I did one on one counseling with many counselors. To me, I was an easy pay check, I spoke, they listened, one even tried to convince me to think bad things about my father as an attempt to ease the loss (for real ? then told me not to come back if I couldn't) I can't even find a good counselor. I live life, it's not a good life, or a life I even enjoy anymore. Honestly , I just exist. I live for my dogs, my one dog is the special gift from my father, the only living link to him. I fear when she is gone, I am gone as well. Not many people know what I go through, I keep it inside. well thank you who ever reads my rambling. I am at such a loss and for such a long time

Hi Kim, I am sorry for your loss ( I know those are idiotic words to hear and they do not seem to help ). I know your situation all too well. I am way older than you (50) and lost both of my parents, my mother 3 years ago at age 67 and my father last year at 73. My mom had various cancers since I was 4, so I know the long term illness. When you are close to a parent it's just as bad as losing a spouse to be honest. You hope with each passing day the pain will ease up a bit. I was unusually close to both of them. But, you seem to have a great support team with your brother and step father. They will help hold the honor of her memory and one day I hope we will all meet them again when it is our time to leave. I'm sending some hugs to you Hol

I lost my mom and best friend June of 2007. I was well into this grief thing. Not a day would pass without feeling the horrible loss and separation. Even today, it makes me gasp when I think about her not being here. Just before Christmas of 2009, I lost my father. An equally great loss, he was a terribly good man. I was left their home, a home that I grew up in, a home where he installed his own hand built cabinets. They made so many changes over the years to it and it became a beautiful home. I have my own house. I could not maintain both, so I decided to put his up for rent being that mine is too far gone. I no longer know where to call home or where to go. I know I'm an adult. But,I have been left with no family members. When I get into these slumps, I contact my friends. However, they all have their lives and they consider my situation "the poor little rich girl" that has two homes. If it was up to me, I'd gladly give one up just to have my family back. I also had three sweet dogs last year, two died, one of a brain tumor and the other of metastic cancer. They were older dogs, but links to my family. The one I favored the most died the day before my father did. I sometimes wonder about the meaning of life and what is in store. It seems like I was meant to be alone, I even had to lose two dogs in the process !! I wonder what is next, I have nothing more to lose at this point. I thought things would get easier, but today I handed the keys over to the tenant, I got a sickening feeling that the next time I go into the home, my parents won't be the last ones that lived in it. My mom grew up in the projects and my dad grew up in a very poor part of town. They both worked so hard to the house and make it a home for everyone. I hope I did not make a mistake. I am heart broken and just wish for my family to come back as many of you do also. I am so sad and I don't even know who to talk to anymore. Friends become too bust with their own living and I have died, but am still here. I hope to one day see my parents again, to know things did not end here, they were both too young to pass and I find it really odd my dad had to go so soon after her. He did not have any debilitating illness. Hugs to all of you .... Holly

Hi Elle, I'm sorry for your loss, it is raw right now. I'm not sure if I can lend much advice. I can tell you about my journey and how it has progressed for me. I'm an only child also and lost my best friend (my mom) June of 2007. I took it terribly, my world just spun to a crash. The first holiday is a numbing (well it was for me). I keep thinking she will be back any day and then I still have those days when I need to ask or tell her something. It is an empty feeling. There is no set time for what we are going through. Day by day, it will change. sometimes it gets better and some days worse. It's a roller coaster. You will need to cry, laugh and curse memories. After a year and few months, I'm trying to find a new life, to change the routine I had with my mom. It's a slow change. Is it getting better ? I don't cry as often as I did everyday driving home from work. So, that is progression. I wish I could be more of a help and give you a time when the pain passes. Holly

Hi Marty, Thank you for your response. The hospice recommended to us was from the hospital my mom was comfortable with. We knew of only that one recommended. After my mom passed, we spoke to the people we needed to and it was all reported. When I went for grief counseling I did not do it through them. I was able to go to a different hospice counselor that I loved. I will never recommend them to anyone though. Not to say all hospice is bad. I don't think we were prepared enough for what happened or what we had to do. The nurses aid was great, fantastic even. She was so gentle with my mom. More so than the RN's. She even came by the second weekend on her own time to help a bit. She even cried the day my mom passed. She made up for the bad experience. Thank you again for being helpful Holly

Hi Leeann, I know what you are speaking of, I too think my mom is going to return. The feeling is o.k. for awhile, like ok she just left and then it will eventually turn into an anxious feeling. But, this keeps going around in waves. Then I don't get it for awhile. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone Holly

Hi Leean Thank you for replying. This year is different than last year. Last year I was numb, this year it's more clear on how things will be without her. There will never be surprises left at my door step for her. I had to shop for my own gift from my dad the other day for my birthday (the wretched day is today by the way). I can't say anything to hurt his feelings, so, I made like it didn't bother me. But, to be honest, there was no joy in it like something special from my mom. It's just not the same. The hospice we had was outright awful. I didn't even want to say the word even. But, I also don't think it is right of them to leave you hang on the weekends. If my mom was in in-house, I know it would have been different. But, that is not what she wanted, she just wanted to get home to die there. She even had such a pleading face of tears asking to go home. My heart was broken. After the first week, we called another hospice to request a transfer. The other hospice put us through to the director and he was so compassionate. He said not to disrupt my mom by moving her into different beds. He called our hospice and had a talk. Before you knew it, there was a complete change. They asked if we needed extra hours and for once my dad and I were able to go to lunch and get away for an hour. The day we brought my mom home from the hospital. My dad had to wait at the house for the bed. He was furious, the bed didn't arrive at 9am like he was promised. It didn't arrive at 10,11,12. The rotten hospital said my mom had to be out by 1pm (literally kicking a dying woman out). I was forced to argue with the social worker that they couldn't just leave my mom in the driveway at the house. My dad was upset, because that was time wasted away from my mom. The bed arrived at 2pm without an apology. The nurse did not arrive until 7pm that night. My mom had no medication that day at all. We couldn't give the hospice dropper medication (we weren't instructed on how to do it). We couldn't give her, her pills, she couldn't swallow them. We asked the nurse that is a neighbor to help and she did. Can you imagine being in pain in your final days for 12 hours without medication ?!?!?!?!? I guess because the nurse arrived late, she was concerned about her paper work getting done and wanted to get home. Good for her It was an awful hospice experience for us. No matter how many questions or how clear we where....just bad !!! Have a nice holiday I'm just going to get through it !!! Holly

Hi Annie, Thank you for your reply. My mom always requested to have hospice care. At one point during one of her many stays in emergency room. She got really scared and said she didn't want to be admitted and die in the hospital. We just looked at her and said "nothing is going to happen to you". Truly we didn't think anything was going wrong. She must have known though. I have to say, it was the worst thing and yet the best thing to do. We barely got help from hospice at home, if she was in inhouse hospice it would have been different. The girl that came in to wash her everyday was the greatest and most heart felt girl. She only had two weeks with my mom and when she passed, she came back to the house to say how sorry she was and she actually cried with us. When we first took her home, it was a Friday. The nurse spent 2 hours with paper work and 10 minutes showing us the medications and off she went. We got no help Saturday or Sunday. I didn't know how to change my moms diaper, gosh, I never even saw my mom naked. At one point I saw pink skin like pieced in my moms diaper. I freaked thinking she was losing skin from me not taking care of her properly. I called the nurse and told her I need help. She didn't want to come, I freaked out on the phone. She threatened me. She finally showed up and looked at my mom. I was using a new powder and it had a slight pink tint that wasn't really noticeable before applying it. I was stressed that's for sure, we got no sleep, watching and asking if she was comfortable. Then the bad breathing started, one night I ran to the neighbors house to sleep because I couldn't bare her to die that way, drowning in her fluids. They say it's not drowning, but I don't know about that. Wish someone could explain it. I'm sorry for your loss and everyones loss here. We loved them dearly Thank you again Holly

Hi Deb, Thank you so much for your wishes. In the final days for my mom, I remember the day we brought her to the hospital. Everything was going so fast. She was getting radiation treatment for her headaches. The cancer progressed to her brain quickly and she was having tremendous pain. I kept telling her that I loved her, but she never said it back. I know they tell me that it was the cancer progression to her brain and she wasn't thinking right. I still wish she said it though. Is Lodi like in NJ Lodi ??!!? Holly

I came here last night looking for something, anything to get me through the night. It is that tough time of year. It's cold and depressing. I stopped my grief counseling after 16 months and started feeling bad for her, I felt it must be a waste for her to hear the same story week after week. I'm having a tough time with my loss to say the least. I don't know where to find comfort. It is not with my family, or my church , a book, or counseling and I hate bothering my friends. So, I just put that jolly face on. It has changed my life completly, to a non life existance My mom became my best friend in the last 4 years before she passed away. We had her in hospice care in the last two weeks at home. My mom went from walking and talking to bed ridden in a matter of a month. It all seems like a flash now, so quick and so much running around we did in the end. I hated the hospice care, when I needed help or advice, they weren't there. I knew nothing of changing an adult diaper the first week and we were not assigned help on Saturday and Sunday and we brought her home Friday. More importantly, I was numb to what was happening. It was a nightmare for me. To see my mom become a (stranger in a way). to choke on any substance we gave her, to feeding her with a dropper and thinking you made progress after 10 droppers full equaling a teaspon in the end. Now, it's the things undecipherd, what was she going through, could I have helped her more or held her hand more. What did she mean by that comment. This haunts me now and will always. Was she in pain ? it eats at me. Now it's the holidays again, the family pretty much split up. Although it was tiny to begin with. My mom always kept it patched and now the glue is gone. but, it's just as well. My grandmother made me pay for copies of my mothers childhood pictures and my aunt told me to get a life the day after my mom passed. There was no support there anyway. On top of it, my aunt asked if I could take over for my mom in caring for my grandmother. A job she has denounced for herself, blaming her husband and saying " he would never stand for me taking care of my mother". Now I realize how they used my mom and stirred trouble for her while she was alive. I declined my aunts request for a job she can most definitly handle. I have my dad to take care of anyway and I'm holding it all together with a thread. I've looked into after life books for comfort, at least knowing my mom is in a better place rather than she had such a crap life here and now it's done and finished with no reward for her sacrifices.But, I concluded nothing. No one knows for sure and my faith is thin. Thanks for listening.. Holly