ThinkSpring

I apologize for not responding...I changed my password before my OP in this thread, then forgot it...again! Sigh.... I appreciate all the responses...it's comforting (yet sad) to know that there are others dealing with the same issues. Marty, thank you for what you wrote...it helps me understand why I keep having these dreams. Lately I keep reliving in my mind my mom's last months, and her last 10 days in the hospice facility. It's like flashbacks...specific scenes keep popping into my mind. Is this normal?? It was sooo painful seeing her decline and suffer. The last couple weeks were just horrible. I also have a lot of trouble forgiving my dad for his behavior during that time....he is really suffering now and missing her, but at the same time I can't help but wonder how much of that is regret and guilt...for taking her for granted and really not treating her very well over the years. So much to process, still.... Hugs to you all...

Hello all, I first posted here last January, right after my mom died. I haven't posted since then, but I have been thinking of people here going through similar struggles. I'm reminded all the time because the URL shows up in the dropdown in my address bar. I've thought many a time I should check in, but I haven't, maybe because I tend to try to avoid things that will make the emotions well up...probably not a good thing. It's now been six months...hard to believe. It's now summer, and mom died during one of the worst winters on record here. It just added to the stress immensely. In many ways it seems like worlds and eons since then, but in some ways not at all. She loved this time of year...I really miss her and talking to her every few days, as was our old routine. Here is what I really wanted to mention. I dream about her almost every night. It's never the same scenario, except that she's always sick, like she was toward the end. Sometimes I wake up crying. This has been going on for pretty much the entire time since she died. Is this normal??? I think of her from time to time during the day, but not obsessively so. I'm able to function pretty well. So I'm wondering if this is normal and how much other people have a similar experience. ?? I'm 48. Just goes to show that no matter how old you are when your mom dies, it's hard. I think this way because my husband lost his mom when he was only 16, so in a lot of ways, I was very lucky to have my mom as long as I did. Any comments welcome, and hugs and warm thoughts to all of you!

I'm sorry all this is happening on top of your grief. Do you have access to counseling services? Is there an EAP (employee assistance program) where you work? Those are usually short-term counseling, but if needed they can refer you to longer-term services. Also....I know this can be difficult for teachers, but what about a short leave of absence? It sounds like you could really use the space and some time away from work...summer break is a long ways away. ((Temmie))

I'm so sorry there are so many of us hurting right now...thank goodness places like this site are here. I've been going to a hospice counselor the last couple weeks. It helps to talk to someone about it. I thought that they wouldn't be able to help with my situation with my dad, but they do help you work through "issues that get in the way of grieving your loved one." They also have a "library" where you can check books out from, so I took a couple today. My mom died 3 weeks ago today. I honestly can't believe it has only been that long. It seems more like 3 months. Why is that? Maybe because it already seems like forever since I've seen my mom? Everyone hang in there...

Mine too.

Jackie, I can't imagine what you are going through, losing your husband and your mom so close together. I'm touched that you found encouragement in what I posted, because I feel like I am so early in the grieving process that I can only seek support and advice and have little to offer others. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since my mom died. Strangely, it seems like it's been much longer. Today I went over to visit my dad for the first time since right after mom died. I almost lost it when I walked into the house because it still smells like her....like she is still there. I don't know how my dad stays there...it is so empty without her. I saw her urn for the first time since he picked up her ashes. It was very touching....he had surrounded it with all the sympathy cards he's received, and put our favorite photo of her there too, along with a small bouquet of flowers. Yesterday was her birthday....and exactly one year ago today we got her awful diagnosis (extensive small cell lung cancer). I can't believe it's been a year since she first got sick.....and all that's happened in that year.... Anyway, thank you for writing, and I do share your pain. Just in the short time since mom died I have had a few VERY bad days, and I am sure there are more to come. Dominic, thank you so much for the book suggestions. I have just requested "Glimpses of Heaven" from our public library. Hugs to all...

Kim, I can't offer much advice, since I am brand new here also and have very recently lost my mom. But so much of what you went through with your dad is similar to my mom's situation, I felt compelled to post, if only to commiserate. Interestingly, my name is Kim also! My mom's cancer progressed rapidly this fall. She quickly became too weak to walk. Because of the spread to her brain, her memory and thinking were badly affected. This was very hard for me because she had always been extremely sharp. As she was going through brain radiation, she would ask INCESSANTLY for weeks..."how many more treatments do I have? When do I have to be there?" Because of this she would also forget that she couldn't walk anymore. She would try, only to fall. It was heartbreaking...my dad was trying to do it all and refused all outside help, and I think there's a lot he hasn't told us. She had bruises that worried us. I too am feeling great guilt...for not "doing more" even though I am not sure what that would be. It is very easy...natural?...to rehash in your mind everything that happened along the way and critique yourself for what you NOW think you should have done THEN. I did my best advocating for my mom at every step, even with my clueless dad getting in the way many times. I work in the medical field, and even though I know how things generally work, so much of it is a nightmare of paperwork and red tape. It seems impossible for anyone to navigate it without problems...which lead to regrets...even though you tried your best, it never seems good enough. Everything in hindsight is 20/20. Please don't be so hard on yourself...I am trying as well. Like I said, I don't claim to offer any great insight like some here who have more experience with the grieving process. But I can so relate to what you are going through, if that helps any. It's funny how pouring your guts out to people you've never met, and will probably never meet, can help so much...because you know they know your pain. Hang in there...I am struggling to do so just as you are right now... ThinkSpring (also Kim)

Thank you all for responding. I think at this point, on some level it almost seems like mom is only "away" for a few days, so I can see how it gets harder the longer she is gone...proof she is really gone. I hope that makes sense. I'm on bereavement leave from work for a few more days. Returning to work will be hard. I've never liked a lot of attention, and I don't want people "gushing" over me, but I know they mean well. Luckily, I'm going back to work on Friday, so I only have to work one day and then get a weekend. I am trying to go easy on my dad, but he has always been an extremely difficult person to be around. He is acting like this is something we need to "get over" immediately and "get back to normal." I think he is only asking for trouble for himself, emotionally. Adding to the stress is that he is a brittle diabetic, and mom always took care of him. It's dangerous for him to be alone, yet he's not open to moving to a retirement/assisted living place. Plus, while it is really early to be talking about another huge life change for him, I still feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Mister Shankly, this really hits home with me: My only advice to you is to let the pain flow through you when it wants to. That pain (IMHO) is the feeling of honoring your love towards your mother and shouldn't be something to be ignored or rushed through. Many people told me that my mother was in a good place when she passed. I believe this is true. But I also think that wherever my mother is, she is also grieving a bit for having to leave me. Every tear I shed honors her spirit's grief as well and I welcome every moment of it until we are both eventually at peace. Yes, I am glad she is no longer suffering. But I miss her terribly, and I know she misses me. Before she slipped into an unresponsive state, whenever I would kiss her goodbye for the night and tell her how much I loved her, I could see the pain and sadness on her face...she knew she was leaving us behind. I'm sure I'll be leaning on people here for a while...thank you again for being out there.

Hello all, I came across this site yesterday when doing searches on "grief" and have been reading it up, down, left, right. I'm so glad I found it. I lost my mom just this past Wednesday. It's eerie because 2008 has been a horrid year for many people I know. Mom was first diagnosed with extensive-stage small cell lung cancer last January. She passed away at 6:30 pm on New Year's Eve, like she wanted to keep as much "crap" in 2008 as possible. She fought so hard all year, enduring chemo in the early months and then brain radiation just over a month before she died. We were able to enjoy a fairly "normal" summer. The end began in November when she fell on the sidewalk and broke her jaw in two places. This we learned was because the cancer had spread to her brain. It was just horrid watching her decline and waste away to almost nothing. She was always SO strong and active and hard-working. She was from Germany, so I think that says it all about that. She was a real workhorse. She was just an amazing woman....so much wisdom and insight despite having limited schooling. From reading this board, I know I'm in for a long haul. I am obviously in that numb early stage. I am already dreading her birthday on January 16, and of course Mothers Day will suck too, even though she hated all those "fake" holidays. Just seeing all the ads and hoopla about "Mom" will cut like a knife I'm sure. I'm still trying to absorb the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call her. When I do call my dad, I keep thinking of what it was like to hear her answer...and the way she would always say "I love you" when we were saying goodbye. Going over to their house for the first time since she died was tough...seeing all of her things around and just her being GONE. My dad is now alone. They would have been married 50 years next April. We have never been close, and while I have empathy for what he's going through, I also have a ton of resentment because he was actually quite mean to my brother and me in the last few days. When we would want to touch mom and talk to her he would chase us off, saying "don't wake her up" and "don't bother her." He made NO effort to learn about the dying process and how it's important to everyone to do this. I finally stood up to him on the day before she died and told him it was okay to talk to her and tell her how much we loved her. That made him angry, if you can believe that crap. I'm having a VERY hard time forgiving him for that. When mom was first sick and in the hospital, some volunteers brought her the cutest teddy bear. He has his own little fleece jacket. She didn't want it, so I took it home. It's been a source of comfort for me this past year, and I have been sleeping with it lately. I'm 48 years old, and I have been clutching it like I'm 5. She spent the last week and a half in a wonderful hospice facility. It truly was a home away from home. The people were so loving and caring. After she died, they dressed her in one of her pretty nightgowns and even covered her with a beautiful quilt, which went with her to the cremation place. It was hard seeing her afterwards...it hit me how the body is just really a shell. Her spirit was gone. But she did look so peaceful, and the pain and strain that had been on her face for a long time was completely gone. I chose ThinkSpring for my name because we are having the most horrid winter here on record, and when spring comes it will be an even bigger blessing than usual...although it will cause a different kind of pain. Mom always kept a meticulous yard and garden, and it will be hard to see it go downhill. I'm glad to have found this place and other people who know how it hurts....and I'm just beginning. I read how it often gets worse before it gets better, and that scares me, but it's good to know people are out there who understand.