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Steve

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  1. id be happy to fill it out. i lost my mom at 17. need to know where to send it though.
  2. dear kelly, wow, that is ALOT for someone so young to have to carry. i remmeber being 25 and STILL being overly dependent on my dad's advice (not that it was any good...) do you have any outside support? i know many people have trouble asking for help, but often that is the best help you can get. start with your sister's school counselor. given that level of profound loss, i would imagine both of you would be in need (yes, not just COULD benefit, but NEED) SOME form of support from a respected counselor. i know i did. i lost my mom at 17. i was too naive or wrapped in my self-criticism to seek out help, and my dad too wrapped in his own life to offer it. i spent the next several years both depressed and wondering why i felt that way. at least i solved that part. anyway,, God Bless. You have taken on a lot and your sister is lucky to have you. I would be concerned for you both reight now re: emotional distance from others, but right now that is what the two of you need the most. that and some good fortune. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
  3. my deepest condolences on your loss, Pandora. i dont think i can give an answer to you on your question though. for me, that pain was very raw for some time. i remember my dad having us still take a trip on a plane the same week my mm died, and on the plane thinking that i wouldnt even care if it crashed. and in some ways, thats how ive approached life since then. the physical feelings lasted a while. thinking back, i was a mess in some ways even at high school graduation, and the summer, and even college starting. however, for the traumatic feeling, it fades when you dont notice it. however, looking back, the best i felt during that time was talking about her. after the pain of getting the words out, there seemed to be a relief talking about her. just as i get a relief now talking about her.
  4. Im glad to hear you didnt. those feelings are very raw i know. im glad i was able to get closure with my old friend. i think still calling them and asking to meet isnt the worst thing either though. showing vulnerablity for me is a lot harder than thought. my friend had given me good advice to go talk to someone, but i didnt listen. i compared my actions back then to the criteria for a depressive disorder adn anxiety attack, and i found that i scored sky high on the results. but i couldnt bring myself to get help. dont let all this eat you up. talk to someone. getting friends that are supportive is important too obviously, but sometimes the best thing you can do is open up to someone whose sole purpose is to help you. God bless.....
  5. a family friend requested his ashes be scattered on the basball diamond of the Catholic school he coached at while his daughter was in school. They asked the priest about it, who gave his implicit approval by telling them to take care of it at night so no one would see. So they got out there around 10 pm. I think he would have found that funny.
  6. also remember you can take your time on this too. if you have those feelings, i would share them with other family members. you said its only been a few months. not much time at all really. i would have a hard time letting go at that point. its not the same, but my dad became obsessed with getting rid of my mom's belongings a few months after she died. he even gave away her santa bear collection of teddy bears. i felt it wasnt right, and he never even offered me or my brothers one. my mom loved those. if i had it to do over, i would have piped up much more. anyway, if it doesnt feel right, at least talk about it more. sometimes you need to give yourself time with these things.
  7. i think also before writing an angry letter asking someone for help may be a better option. Heaven knows my friend had the right idea by encouraging ME to go into some form of therapy or counseling. Realistically I was trying to pin too much onto her, and thats never good either. on the plus side, when my life went to crap again, i called her and we talked for a short while. she was very nice and updated me on her life- married now and two kids. we talked about maybe meeting for lunch one day, but after talking it with her husband, he told her he didnt want her to. which i accepted. it would have been painful anyway, and id rather not add to her troubles. resolving those things felt so good though. i hope i can help people avoid that regret in their own lives by avoiding it in the first place.
  8. someone on another group said "the heart doesnt know age." thats still mom. its been 17 years for me, and i still miss my mom. her greatest failing is caring more for others than she did herself. even people who i KNOW only met her a few times said what a wonderful person she was, and how they were dazzled by her selflessness. im only sorry she wasnt there to tell me what she actually thought of my dad..... anyway, treat yourself to enjoying her memory. even go to out for that lobster dinner. and make sure you have others to enjoy it with. ive said before, and believe wholeheartedly, we are a social animal. we need others in times of stress, and esp. on such a painful and difficult time.
  9. my condolecenses on your loss. for everyone. :-( how is she with being back? i imagine it must be rough. any chance of her staying with you as an option? loss of a spouse is considered THE number one life stresso you can fact, at any age. that complicated by just the normal aspects of living, things like the house, upkeep, and whatnot, can be incredibly difficult. at the very least a strong social network for support is a necessity. i can attest to that. thats the one thing my life has been lacking, even back then. and led to some pretty dumb moves on my part. hopefully your mom has those things. God bless, and hope all goes well the night she is home on her own.
  10. one thing ive learned the hard way, is NOT to send angry letters or emails. i sent one once to a friend, who actually told me i should talk to a counselor re: how miserable i felt in grad school, but who i also thought was blowing me off. i really regret that. i later realised my anger at her was ultimately derived from being miserable with my life, and in a larger sense, that i never dealt with the loss or ramificaitons to the loss of my mom. SAYING your angry with someone in person is one thing. it will prob. lead to a dialogue. SENDING an email, or any writing, is just evidence to the person to distance yourself more from them in their eyes. as hard as it is, youre the one that wants support or whatnot. it may need to be you who asks for it as well. if i had things to do over with that friend, that is the advice i would give myself. since it sounds like youre in alot of pain and need to talk id recommend locating some type of support group to discuss it openly. it really does help with alot of the other stuff.
  11. my deepest condolences. My story is in some ways the same, and in many different. My mom died at the age of 53. she had two heart attacks and a history of astma and other breathing problems. despite her health, she gave to everyone else. but no one ever mentioned the possibility of losing her. my dad, however, moved on as if almost nothing had happened. a total workaholic, he never asked us how we dealt with it, this despite my brother and i finding her dead. And me performing CPR on her and my brother having to talk to the 911 operator while I did so. It took a major catostrophe in my own life to put the pieces together. But anyway, Id urge you to get some form of counseling. Grief and held in guilt can totally take its toll in ways many cant imagine. God bless, and remember, its not the child's job ultimatley to parent the grown up, despite that you feel about it.
  12. my heart goes out to you. I lost my mom at 17. from a combination of things. she had two heart attacks previously, but also had chronic astma. she died dec 20, 1989. i was 17. in some ways i feel stuck at that age. i know i didnt enjoy college as i was depressed i think, and never had anyone to talk to. i found out later it is called Complicated grief, and esp. if there are any profound issues re: the loss, it can make it that much worse. i had found my mom, and had to perform cpr on her even though she was gone. from my own experiences, and after putting some pieces together, i will tell you that if i had to do it over again, i would definitely seek some form of grief counseling or other service. living with things like guilt and other feelings will take a terrible toll on the psyche. and i can attest to that. it cetainly held me back in any number of ways. God bless. Losing a loved one is somehting we all dread and all have to face one day. Steve
  13. thank you very much. i find just talking about it to be helpful. my dad even has the balls to say "i always wondered what impact your mom'd death would have on you and jeff." at the same time, he waits less than three months to so looking for someone new. and what's worse is i went into the field of therapy myself. Im moving on to better things hopefully, witha better ethic in the process I hope. I still worry about my brothers, but in the end I know I will be in the best position if I get my life on track first. thanks for the kind words. Steve
  14. Hi, all, Im thankful to find a group like this. My name is Steve, and I lost my mom when i was 17. She had a history of health problems, but always toughed through the days. She died December 20th, 1989. My brother and I were supposed to meet her after school after her office, and go to a Christmas party at a nursing home. She wasnt at work, and driving the way home I got a very scary feeling re: why she wasnt there. She hadnt called and no one at the office knew where she was. When we got home, we found her laying in her nightgown and something told me she was already gone. I called 911 though, and the worker helped me perform CPR on her until the EMS and police arrived. But it was too late. Very difficult to say the least. Any my dad never even offered some form of counseling. And he was a so-called respected therapist in a private practice. It's a very long story, but I realized after a job layoff, that I have been on the wrong track my whole life, trying to recreate something that was almost unattainable, esp. with my personality. All these realizations made me see I;ve had my head in the sand on a great many things, esp. the impact of my mom's death. College was difficult for me socially, and I;ve always had a problem in groups, mostly due to my size- Im tall and also on the heavy side, something I did work on tremendously- dropped 75 pounds in three years prior to being laid off. Anyway, Ive decided to go back to school and get into a less stressful and more rewarding field. I had followed my dad in getting an MSW, but I find it too painful, esp. when dealing with death, and see that I didnt address her death as a teen. It's cost me alot in life, but I intend on gaining a large part of that back. Thanks for reading. Steve Y
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