kissmekate

Cubby, I am so sorry to hear that. I replied to your message via e-mail but came here to read the thread that you saw my response to. Wow! You must really be struggling with all of this. I can't imagine. My dad has showed no interests in dating. He does not even go out except to see us and the grandkids. I do not know your father, but it seems like he may be in denial. I really do not know what to say. I think if his lady friend brings him comfort than I suppose it is okay, but I am confused as to why he refuses to see you. Do you have any siblings? If so what do they think? My dad did recently take a trip to Las Vegas by himself, which I thought was odd, but dating??? , that would make me really uncomfortable. I am sorry that I have no advice but will keep you in my thoughts. God Bless, Kate

Kathy, I lost my mom December 2, 2008. It is so hard. I know that my life will never be that same. I miss her everyday. I wish I could say that it gets better, but for me it is still so raw. Tomorrow it will be 3 months. Just take one day at a time. Some are certainly better than others. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Take Care

I am so sorry that you are so frustrated. I lost my mom on December 2, 2008. I am much older than you, but it is still extremely painful. I think that people who have not had such an enormous loss they don't know what to say. They can sympathize, but they cannot express true empathy if there mother is still alive. When my mom died my friends whose parents are still alive kept saying "Call me if you just need to talk." But I knew they really didn't mean it. Sure they would listen to me for about two minutes and the responses are always the same cliches. The fact is that no one really wants to discuss grief, unless they are right smack in the middle of it like we are. And even then some people are just not comfortable allowing you to have the feelings that you have. I found this yesterday on a Lung Cancer support group. "By Suzanne Miller: My husband died. There- It's down in black and white. What I mean is, he's still alive in spirit, but his body died. And that's how I became a member of the community of the bereaved. and as a member I ask for your understanding. Not your pity-your understanding. As individuals, we in the community of the bereaved need you. Don't worry about saying the "Right things." We're tired of cliches. We know our "dear ones are at peace with God" and they feel no more pain. But, we still miss their physcial presence. There was this one person on earth to whom we were the most important: one person who knew us so completely that no words were necessary. We miss that. If we seem distant, please understand. Some of us are still in shock. Even if the illness was long and the prognosis unfavorable, we maintained the hope that death wouldn't come. We had to. How else could we face each other and encourage our loved one? If we seem angry, please understand. Most of us are angry, but we know that God accepts our anger and refineds it into energy that will be vital in our outreach to others. If tears come at inappropriate times and places, please understand. Our emotions, even yet are raw. Just when we think we are in control, a song or a scent-or a feeling of utter desolation overcome us. Or, if we laugh, know that deep inside we are hurting. We know that God has given us the gift of sense of humor and that our loved ones are rejoicing that we are exercising this gift. We may be forgetful. Sleep is elusive, we may not eat properly: we may make foolish purchases. Please don't condemn us. Just know it can be part of the grieving process. In time, we'll come around. And please, oh please, let us follow our own timetables. We each march or stumble along the route at our own pace. Grief has not calendar: don't hold us to a timetable. For the moment, we are drifitng, buoyed by the love of God and our faith in Jesus Christ. This faith, along with your understanding, will enable us-eventually- to celebrate life once again. " I like the last few lines the best. They really hit home and allow me to realize that I need no aplogies for my feelings- and I have no control over when I will feel this overwhelming sadness. Please remember that when someone does not say the right thing, it doesn't mean they do not care. They just do not know, and also remember we used to be those people.

I think that is wonderful that your whole family was able to do that. I am sorry you are so sad. I have days where I feel the same way. I just try to remember that I told my mom that I would be fine and she would always be with me and this helps. Sometimes it is just so hard. Stay strong! Kate

Someone e-mailed me that story yesterday. What amazing creatures God creates.

Sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I think that it is difficult for people your age to be good listeners and comforters. Many of them have not experienced the loss that you have and therefore cannot relate to you. It makes them uncomfortable, plain and simple. Are there any grief support systems on your campus or nearby the school? You may be able to find people who have experienced a loss to the degree that you have. I know that it must be frustrating for you. I had a friend whose mother died in high school. I felt very sad for her, but at the time (ashamed to say now) I had no idea what to say to her. I think in many ways it is a level of maturity. You are more mature because you have expeirenced something that most people do not until they are older. I am glad that you find comfort here and hope that you will be able to find more support at school. Remember that even though your dad is no longer there to hug you physically, he is always with you watching over you and sending his love.

I am so sorry. You are so young to have lost a parent and it seems so unfair. My heart breaks for you. My only suggetsion is to remember all the wonderful moments you shared with your dad. I know that when I think of my mom (she died 12/2/08 it is painful and comforting at the same time because I know that she is always with me just in a different way now.

It has only been 8 weeks since my mom died. She also died of lung cancer. She was dx in July 2007 and went through treament. She was NED until this August when they found a tumor in the brain. She died December 2, 2008. The holidays are pretty much a blur. I think we were all so numb still. I just can't believe that a years time does not make it easier. I know I will always miss my mom. I talked to her everyday and I guess I am just in shock still. I know most people will lose a parent at some point, I just didn't think that I would lose my mom at age 40. She was only 62 and it seems so unfair.

hello, I think that your fears are very normal. My grandmother died five years ago and I was extremely close to her. It was very hard for me, but I was fortunately very close to my mother and we grieved together. Then 17 months ago my mother was dx with small cell lung cancer. She died December 2, 2008. I miss her so much. I am actually afraid that I will lose my father very soon as well. He is not sick, but my parents were married for 45 years and knew each other their entire lives. I actually do dream that he will die of a broken heart. He used to be a heavy drinker and I worry that he will fall off the wagon. I think that anytime we experience great loss or the possibility of it we get scared. It is extremely normal. When my mom was sick I felt a constant anxiety in my chest. My advice to you is to spend as much time with your mom as possible. Create happy memories and focus on living day to day even if you are afraid. We will all die eventually, we just do not know when. I think that the lack of control is what is most scary. Allow yourself to have those feelings of fear, but don't let them consume you. Take care and I hope your mom is doing well.

hello, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I am grieving for my mom and also know how much she suffered. It helps me to think of how brave and strong she was even through her suffering. She did not want to go because she didn't want to leave all of us. I think that someday you will want to go and have fun again. I know that it can be very difficult, but I am sure your dad would want you be happy. I find it is easier to be with people who have also lost a parent, because they understand what you are going through. I have some friends who mean well and want to be there for me, but I find that when I talk about how I am feeling they get uncomfortable. It's like they want me to behave like I used to, but that is never going to happen again.

ThinkSpring, I just recently found this website and your thread was the first I read. I could not reply right away, had to wait for registration to go through. First of all, I am very sorry for your pain. I understand what you are going through. My mom died 12/2/08/ it is almost unbearable at times. I have a different situation with my father than you do. I felt like those first few weeks that I had to take care of him. I didn't think that I could grieve in front of him. Thought that I had to be strong for him. Talk about a role reversal, but it breaks my heart to see him without my mother. They were together for 45 years, in fact she died on their anniversary. I am now beginning to allow myself to be sad for me. I miss my mom whom I talked to almost every single day that it is at times a physical pain. It is good to know that we are not alone in this. Take care, Kate

hello. This is my first post on this site. Just joined a few days ago. I went to this site and was very moved by many beautiful songs that were posted. So moved that I spent the next 3 hours crying. My mother died 7 weeks ago, December 2 and I think I am finally past the numb stage and into the reality of it. She was only 62. I am glad to have found this site. My mothers favorite song was "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang. I know that it is very different than the other songs posted here, especially since most of us are far from a celebration right now, but it does make me remember all the great times I had with her. Recently I was at a football game and the halftime show included "Celebration". I knew my mom was with me and I found myself crying and smiling at the same time. The power of music is amazing. kate