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Rachael_NI

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About Rachael_NI

  • Birthday 10/01/1982

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    1999
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Northern Ireland Hospice

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://
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  • Yahoo
    rjmm82

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Belfast, Northern Ireland
  • Interests
    Gardening and walking in nature. How to get out of depression...?
  1. Well done Nicholas for coming here to get some advice so you can trusting your own grief process. Of course I agree with everyone here, all these people who are still in their grief, they know how it is. Feel the pain as much and as often as you can, for if you try to put a lid on it, it will resurface at another time in life, and will be much more complicated. I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself as I could not be. Love and Blessings Rachael.
  2. Hi Nirac, I have not posted for over a year, but today I felt drawn back here... I don't think grief ever really goes away... I am nearly 30 too and if someone had told me years ago what my life would be like now, I would never have believed it or imagined worse. All we can do is just keep on going, trying to find those little things that gets us through the day. Its not a nice way to live but what else can we do? I am grateful to have this board to come to and find some support. Look for your support here and please try to remind yourself what an amazing thing you are doing for these two teenagers. Love and Blessings from Rachael.
  3. Hey hey, I just wanted to send you a message and say welcome to the forum! I guess it's been a while; you joined 8 months ago LOL. Anywho, I added you to yahoo messenger and would love to chat sometime :) I have delayed grief, too.

  4. Hi Cubby I agree with DeeGee, counting your blessings and telling your self to snap out of it does not work! I have much compassion for you as I too have lost my mum and do not have any friends around in the same situation, so its hard to get support. Thats why this board is a blessing, so many people here know the limitless range of emotions and behaviours that we can have in response to grief, so you won't feel so alone or like you are weird or going crazy or something. People here can tell you that it IS normal to feel how you do and that its OK. I think counselling really helps as it gives you a chance to talk about how you feel and space to come to terms with it all without judging yourself for what you are/aren't feeling or doing. Perhaps your husband sees you suffereing and feels rather helpless that he can't do anything to help you, so his suggestions are all he knows to say to you right now. No-one can take our pain away, and people dont know what to say to us to make it all better, because they can't really, its what we have to go through ourselves, but we can lean on others for support. Do use this board to connect with others on what you are going through and consider seeing a counsellor. My life is slowly but surely transforming through my counselling journey, and although it has been very hard it is worth it all just to see the small changes happening and regaining hope that life can be happy again, and although it may be a bit more turbulent at times facing all the grief head-on, its better than sitting on it and staying in a depression. Please allow yourself to find the support that you need. And most importantly - be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to do things for yourself that you would want to do for others in this situation, and perhaps consider letting your husband/family/friends know what they can do to support you at this time too, as they are not psychic [even though we wish they could be!]. Blessings to you, Rachael.
  5. emptyinside I just wanted to agree with what Boo said about doing what YOU feel is right for YOU. Inquire within - go inside and ask yourself what you really want to do with regards to everying, and then love yourself enough to do it for yourself. Your father I am sure would absolutely want you to do whatever you could that would bring you the most support and comfort at this time. It is already hard enough, try not to make it worse by making yourself do things which will only upset you more. Remember - its your grief journey, no-one elses. do try to be gentle with yourself... blessings and hugs to you at this time Rachael.
  6. Wishing you a happy 21st birthday Chai!! This is a big birthday indeed, I hope you did something nice with your day and felt the love of your father with you - as it always will be - inside your heart. Best Wishes and Birthday Blessings Rachael
  7. Hi Leslie What a lot you have been through.... I want to say that from my experience, it was easier to be angry at the person for the things they done wrong by us/hurt us with when they were alive - than it was to accept and face up to their death. My suggestion would be to get a counsellor or therapist with whom you can take plenty of time to talk this through without judgement for what you are rightfully feeling and get all of those feelings of anger and mistreatment out, because underneath it all there will undoubtedly be the raw pain of grief. [i have found this with counselling, under the anger waits the sadness]. But do this only when you feel the time is right. It has taken me 9 years! And don't worry what anyone else says about your experiences or how you are reacting, only you know what is really going on for you inside. Allow yourself the time and space to process everything. A judgement free space is essential so that we know ALL of our feelings are real and OK. Perhaps you just have to allow yourself this time to feel all your anger? Just accept that and settle into it for a while, and it will soon shift in its own time. Embrace it. Inquire within. Blessings Rachael.
  8. Hi all I just want to raise a topic that I am finding very difficult at the mo. Just to recap my story for info, I have been on this board for a few months now, I lost my mum when I was 16 - that was 10 years ago - but I had completely blocked it out [i still don't know how I managed to not think about it for 10 years]. But anyway, I've been depressed pretty much that whole time and several months ago started going to counselling, and realised I had done no grieving for my mum. So the past 4 months have been very difficult with all the old grief that is coming up and totally disrupting my life, I had to take 2 months off work which has never happened to me before in my life, and started taking medication. I am having a few more good days now than I used to, but what I am finding is how on earth am I meant to let go of all the grief now? I keep thinking everytime I cry "ok thats it i've got it out of my system now, thats the last time I'll need to cry", but then another day comes and I'm just sad about it all over again. I miss her so much I just can't quite contain it, and I can't understand how I have ignored her for the past 10 years... The most difficult thing at the moment though, is that she had a very unhappy life, she was depressed and agoraphobic from her teenage years, and then our little sister died and within five years of that she died of bowel cancer. The day of her funeal the minister giving his speech referred to her "hard life with agoraphobia" and that is the first time I had ever heard that word - I had no idea what it meant. Most memories I have of her are ones where she is unhappy, sad looking - my dad had such a busy life with his job and church he was never in the house much and she had no friends - she always seemed so lonely. In a way this is making the grieving so much harder because I have so much sadness for her, that she was unhappy for most of her life, and I'm sure very lonely at times as she was housebound with very few visitors. One of my aunts said that she lived for us, for her children, thats all she lived for. But I am just so so upset that she had so much sadness and there is no way to help that now, and at the time I never understood why she was unhappy and thought I was doing something wrong. I tried my best to be good and help around the house but it never seemed to change it much. I realise now of course that it was not my fault and she wasn't taking any of her problems out on me, but as a child that is just what it felt like. I just feel I have so much remorse for her past, but I cannot change it, how can I accept all her sadness and deal with it - so many people here on this board talk about their parent(s) and how wonderful and happy and great they were, and what great relationships they had with their parent(s) - but I never really had a great relationship, so I feel I have to grieve for what was not and what I will never have too. My mum certainly gave her all to us, for which I am eternally grateful, she knows that in her heart I am sure, but she just never seemed happy, not truly. And I am so angry that I was never told what was wrong with her and given the chance to understand or help. And now there are no chances. I didn't just want want to be a daughter, I wanted to be a friend. How am I meant to let go of all this? Its so much pain Thanks for listening. Blessings, Rachael.
  9. Chai this poem is so lovely! It brought warmth to my heart to think that my mum would send me those well wishes too. Thank you. Blessings Rachael. ps and yes you ARE a talented writer! what a lovely picture you paint.
  10. Hi Rachel what a hard time you seem to have had. I always feel so alone in my grief, then I hear of others stories on this board and it makes me realise I am not alone. I totally get what you are describing about delayed grief. My mother died ten years ago, and only a few months ago did I realise that I had done no grieving at all and now it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I found this message board and if you spend some time browsing you will find some other similar threads about delayed grief. At first I didnt think it was 'possible' to be experiencing such intense emotions over something that happened so long ago, but my feelings are definitely proving otherwise, and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said . That is exactly how I feel. It feels like a big black hole sometimes and I don't know if I will ever get over it. I have been going to counselling and it is definitely my lifeline at the moment, I could not deal with all of this on my own - are you seeing a counsellor or therapist or is it something you would consider? It really helps to have someone listen for as long as you need. I wrote a poem which I posted in the poetry section called 'Grief's Blindfold', perhaps you might relate to what I describe in there. Poetry is very cathartic, maybe it is something you could think of trying at this difficult time? I don't know if I really have any advice about how to get through this because I am struggling so much myself, all I can say is that I totally relate to what you are saying about not having grieved, and it is definately REAL. I guess we just have to learn to take each day as it comes and support ourselves as best we can? I don't know, I feel so lost some days. Keep posting and maybe we can give each other some guidance through all this. You must be a much stronger person than you think you are to have dealt with so much and still be here today, albeit in an unhappy state - that is what others keep saying to me, although it doesn't feel that way! Wishing you some peace and nurturing at this time, Rachael.
  11. Hi Amanda I have just read this post today. I am going through a similar complicated grief process from my mother's death which was 10 years ago. I have been depressed mostly this past 10 years and could never understand 'why' - I finally started going to counselling about 8 months ago, but it took me 5 months there before I realised that I had done no grieving at all for my loss. Right now, I actually can't imagine that I will ever get over this either - I mean, really - 10 years have past and I am still sad most of the time - but I just have to have faith now that I am actualy dealing with the root cause of my sadness and that I WILL be happy again someday and be able to let go and move on. I think because I have spent the last 10 years being sad that I have just forgotten how to be any other way. Time doesn't actually mean anything where feelings are concerned, they say time heals, but it doesn't really, not if you don't allow yourself to experience your emotions and just bury them somewhere. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what about your mother? I noticed you did not mention her in your posts? Was there any other loss of a loved one in your life before Chad? What I have realised is that each loss just opens up the old original wound, as well as adding the pain of the new loss to it, and we may not even notice that. eg the break up of a current relationship [even if it was not a significant one] often brings up a sense of loss that may seem way over-the-top in relation to what the loss actually is. This is quite funny actually - I was just out on my lunch break there and I went to a shop to buy a nice summer dress that I had seen last week - but it was gone - not even one size left, no trace of it, and the girls in the shop were unsure what I was talking about and they probably weren't getting anymore of that stock in. Well, I almost broke down over it! I felt the emotions welling up and the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes... what an overreaction to a silly piece of clothing, but of course it wasn't about that, it was reminding me of the loss I had before, when someone disappeared from my life with no warning and no chance to say good-bye, and when I was looking forward to having them so much in my future. The giref is very raw for me now this past two months, and perhaps more so this past week as it was my mother's anniversary. I marked the day well, and I can't believe I have never even acknowledged that day before. Even the date of her funeral, I went back to the church, spent a while there outside recalling it all, and then drove the procession route to the graveyeard and stood there recalling it all too - and I cried so hard, it is actually amazing how raw it all is. In some respects it really feels like it only happened last week. Yes its true, the grief really does just sit there waiting until we are ready to deal with it. It is scary, and it takes courage, but we all have an untold strength inside of us, and there is a deep sort of release that comes with letting yourself finally experience the pain, you will just know from deep inside you that this is where your heartache really lies. I can tell now when I am just crying 'tears', and when I am really crying the deep tears of grief. I feel just from reading your posts that you are some how dimishing the very important relationship that you had with Chad - just because the relationship was never 100% 'official' or you didn't actually get married, doesn't mean that it was any less signifcant than two people who did marry. Maybe it is time to acknowledge what a major loss this actually was for you? Not only did you lose Chad, but you both lost a baby together, and you lost all the hope of a future with him - that is a lot of loss to deal with. Please keep coming and posting here and sharing your journey with us, it really does help the more people you tell - as they all have their own little gems of wisdom to share, helping you move along in your grief process. When you said you have only told several people in your life about Chad, that is another sign that it is buried grief - we do not talk about the person that we lost, we just block it out and dont think of them or have any reminders around of them, and we try to tell ourselves that it was not that significant a loss really and perhaps we are just making a bigger deal out of it than it was... but we cannot cheat our feelings... Sending you warm blessings Rachael.
  12. Dear Kath this is such a beautiful poem, and it is so true of all loved ones we have lost - we just seem to keep thinking of them in every thing we do, and no-one knows the invisible pain that we carry around with us, and we dont know if we will ever get over it... Blessings and Love Rachael.
  13. Hi there I just want to say thanks to Leeann for your response - I really needed to hear that today. This board is becoming a bit of a crutch for me at the moment, but thats ok. What you said about just allowing your grief to come up without judging it or putting conditions on it or anything, that is so true. I have found that its when I try to deny the feelings that I am having, that is when i fall into the pits of despair. You are abandoning that part of yourself that only wants to be felt. It is a slow learning curve though to change behavioural patterns that have been in place for years, but it can be done. To Jei as well, I am so sorry for your loss, and it all sounds like it was very traumatic too, 5 months is nothing at all in the process of grief, you have probably been in the numb stage all that time. You know what I think the best thing you could do for you and your little brothers and sisters, is to all cry together. Leeann is right. Let them see that it is perfectly normal and ok to have all these emotions - by crying you are letting him know that it is ok to cry, and that emotions are ok. This is an experience that will shape his whole life from now on, all your lives. Let the emotions come, and just by being open and gentle with yourself like this, you will pass this way of being on to him too. This is what I am learning now as well. Sending warm heartfelt blessings to you, ask your angel for grace. Rachael xxx
  14. That's beautiful Stacey. I hear ya. Rachael.
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