Rachael_NI

Well done Nicholas for coming here to get some advice so you can trusting your own grief process. Of course I agree with everyone here, all these people who are still in their grief, they know how it is. Feel the pain as much and as often as you can, for if you try to put a lid on it, it will resurface at another time in life, and will be much more complicated. I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself as I could not be. Love and Blessings Rachael.

Hi Nirac, I have not posted for over a year, but today I felt drawn back here... I don't think grief ever really goes away... I am nearly 30 too and if someone had told me years ago what my life would be like now, I would never have believed it or imagined worse. All we can do is just keep on going, trying to find those little things that gets us through the day. Its not a nice way to live but what else can we do? I am grateful to have this board to come to and find some support. Look for your support here and please try to remind yourself what an amazing thing you are doing for these two teenagers. Love and Blessings from Rachael.

Hi Cubby I agree with DeeGee, counting your blessings and telling your self to snap out of it does not work! I have much compassion for you as I too have lost my mum and do not have any friends around in the same situation, so its hard to get support. Thats why this board is a blessing, so many people here know the limitless range of emotions and behaviours that we can have in response to grief, so you won't feel so alone or like you are weird or going crazy or something. People here can tell you that it IS normal to feel how you do and that its OK. I think counselling really helps as it gives you a chance to talk about how you feel and space to come to terms with it all without judging yourself for what you are/aren't feeling or doing. Perhaps your husband sees you suffereing and feels rather helpless that he can't do anything to help you, so his suggestions are all he knows to say to you right now. No-one can take our pain away, and people dont know what to say to us to make it all better, because they can't really, its what we have to go through ourselves, but we can lean on others for support. Do use this board to connect with others on what you are going through and consider seeing a counsellor. My life is slowly but surely transforming through my counselling journey, and although it has been very hard it is worth it all just to see the small changes happening and regaining hope that life can be happy again, and although it may be a bit more turbulent at times facing all the grief head-on, its better than sitting on it and staying in a depression. Please allow yourself to find the support that you need. And most importantly - be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to do things for yourself that you would want to do for others in this situation, and perhaps consider letting your husband/family/friends know what they can do to support you at this time too, as they are not psychic [even though we wish they could be!]. Blessings to you, Rachael.

emptyinside I just wanted to agree with what Boo said about doing what YOU feel is right for YOU. Inquire within - go inside and ask yourself what you really want to do with regards to everying, and then love yourself enough to do it for yourself. Your father I am sure would absolutely want you to do whatever you could that would bring you the most support and comfort at this time. It is already hard enough, try not to make it worse by making yourself do things which will only upset you more. Remember - its your grief journey, no-one elses. do try to be gentle with yourself... blessings and hugs to you at this time Rachael.

Wishing you a happy 21st birthday Chai!! This is a big birthday indeed, I hope you did something nice with your day and felt the love of your father with you - as it always will be - inside your heart. Best Wishes and Birthday Blessings Rachael

Hi Leslie What a lot you have been through.... I want to say that from my experience, it was easier to be angry at the person for the things they done wrong by us/hurt us with when they were alive - than it was to accept and face up to their death. My suggestion would be to get a counsellor or therapist with whom you can take plenty of time to talk this through without judgement for what you are rightfully feeling and get all of those feelings of anger and mistreatment out, because underneath it all there will undoubtedly be the raw pain of grief. [i have found this with counselling, under the anger waits the sadness]. But do this only when you feel the time is right. It has taken me 9 years! And don't worry what anyone else says about your experiences or how you are reacting, only you know what is really going on for you inside. Allow yourself the time and space to process everything. A judgement free space is essential so that we know ALL of our feelings are real and OK. Perhaps you just have to allow yourself this time to feel all your anger? Just accept that and settle into it for a while, and it will soon shift in its own time. Embrace it. Inquire within. Blessings Rachael.

Hi all I just want to raise a topic that I am finding very difficult at the mo. Just to recap my story for info, I have been on this board for a few months now, I lost my mum when I was 16 - that was 10 years ago - but I had completely blocked it out [i still don't know how I managed to not think about it for 10 years]. But anyway, I've been depressed pretty much that whole time and several months ago started going to counselling, and realised I had done no grieving for my mum. So the past 4 months have been very difficult with all the old grief that is coming up and totally disrupting my life, I had to take 2 months off work which has never happened to me before in my life, and started taking medication. I am having a few more good days now than I used to, but what I am finding is how on earth am I meant to let go of all the grief now? I keep thinking everytime I cry "ok thats it i've got it out of my system now, thats the last time I'll need to cry", but then another day comes and I'm just sad about it all over again. I miss her so much I just can't quite contain it, and I can't understand how I have ignored her for the past 10 years... The most difficult thing at the moment though, is that she had a very unhappy life, she was depressed and agoraphobic from her teenage years, and then our little sister died and within five years of that she died of bowel cancer. The day of her funeal the minister giving his speech referred to her "hard life with agoraphobia" and that is the first time I had ever heard that word - I had no idea what it meant. Most memories I have of her are ones where she is unhappy, sad looking - my dad had such a busy life with his job and church he was never in the house much and she had no friends - she always seemed so lonely. In a way this is making the grieving so much harder because I have so much sadness for her, that she was unhappy for most of her life, and I'm sure very lonely at times as she was housebound with very few visitors. One of my aunts said that she lived for us, for her children, thats all she lived for. But I am just so so upset that she had so much sadness and there is no way to help that now, and at the time I never understood why she was unhappy and thought I was doing something wrong. I tried my best to be good and help around the house but it never seemed to change it much. I realise now of course that it was not my fault and she wasn't taking any of her problems out on me, but as a child that is just what it felt like. I just feel I have so much remorse for her past, but I cannot change it, how can I accept all her sadness and deal with it - so many people here on this board talk about their parent(s) and how wonderful and happy and great they were, and what great relationships they had with their parent(s) - but I never really had a great relationship, so I feel I have to grieve for what was not and what I will never have too. My mum certainly gave her all to us, for which I am eternally grateful, she knows that in her heart I am sure, but she just never seemed happy, not truly. And I am so angry that I was never told what was wrong with her and given the chance to understand or help. And now there are no chances. I didn't just want want to be a daughter, I wanted to be a friend. How am I meant to let go of all this? Its so much pain Thanks for listening. Blessings, Rachael.

Chai this poem is so lovely! It brought warmth to my heart to think that my mum would send me those well wishes too. Thank you. Blessings Rachael. ps and yes you ARE a talented writer! what a lovely picture you paint.

Hi Rachel what a hard time you seem to have had. I always feel so alone in my grief, then I hear of others stories on this board and it makes me realise I am not alone. I totally get what you are describing about delayed grief. My mother died ten years ago, and only a few months ago did I realise that I had done no grieving at all and now it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I found this message board and if you spend some time browsing you will find some other similar threads about delayed grief. At first I didnt think it was 'possible' to be experiencing such intense emotions over something that happened so long ago, but my feelings are definitely proving otherwise, and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said . That is exactly how I feel. It feels like a big black hole sometimes and I don't know if I will ever get over it. I have been going to counselling and it is definitely my lifeline at the moment, I could not deal with all of this on my own - are you seeing a counsellor or therapist or is it something you would consider? It really helps to have someone listen for as long as you need. I wrote a poem which I posted in the poetry section called 'Grief's Blindfold', perhaps you might relate to what I describe in there. Poetry is very cathartic, maybe it is something you could think of trying at this difficult time? I don't know if I really have any advice about how to get through this because I am struggling so much myself, all I can say is that I totally relate to what you are saying about not having grieved, and it is definately REAL. I guess we just have to learn to take each day as it comes and support ourselves as best we can? I don't know, I feel so lost some days. Keep posting and maybe we can give each other some guidance through all this. You must be a much stronger person than you think you are to have dealt with so much and still be here today, albeit in an unhappy state - that is what others keep saying to me, although it doesn't feel that way! Wishing you some peace and nurturing at this time, Rachael.

Hi Amanda I have just read this post today. I am going through a similar complicated grief process from my mother's death which was 10 years ago. I have been depressed mostly this past 10 years and could never understand 'why' - I finally started going to counselling about 8 months ago, but it took me 5 months there before I realised that I had done no grieving at all for my loss. Right now, I actually can't imagine that I will ever get over this either - I mean, really - 10 years have past and I am still sad most of the time - but I just have to have faith now that I am actualy dealing with the root cause of my sadness and that I WILL be happy again someday and be able to let go and move on. I think because I have spent the last 10 years being sad that I have just forgotten how to be any other way. Time doesn't actually mean anything where feelings are concerned, they say time heals, but it doesn't really, not if you don't allow yourself to experience your emotions and just bury them somewhere. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what about your mother? I noticed you did not mention her in your posts? Was there any other loss of a loved one in your life before Chad? What I have realised is that each loss just opens up the old original wound, as well as adding the pain of the new loss to it, and we may not even notice that. eg the break up of a current relationship [even if it was not a significant one] often brings up a sense of loss that may seem way over-the-top in relation to what the loss actually is. This is quite funny actually - I was just out on my lunch break there and I went to a shop to buy a nice summer dress that I had seen last week - but it was gone - not even one size left, no trace of it, and the girls in the shop were unsure what I was talking about and they probably weren't getting anymore of that stock in. Well, I almost broke down over it! I felt the emotions welling up and the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes... what an overreaction to a silly piece of clothing, but of course it wasn't about that, it was reminding me of the loss I had before, when someone disappeared from my life with no warning and no chance to say good-bye, and when I was looking forward to having them so much in my future. The giref is very raw for me now this past two months, and perhaps more so this past week as it was my mother's anniversary. I marked the day well, and I can't believe I have never even acknowledged that day before. Even the date of her funeral, I went back to the church, spent a while there outside recalling it all, and then drove the procession route to the graveyeard and stood there recalling it all too - and I cried so hard, it is actually amazing how raw it all is. In some respects it really feels like it only happened last week. Yes its true, the grief really does just sit there waiting until we are ready to deal with it. It is scary, and it takes courage, but we all have an untold strength inside of us, and there is a deep sort of release that comes with letting yourself finally experience the pain, you will just know from deep inside you that this is where your heartache really lies. I can tell now when I am just crying 'tears', and when I am really crying the deep tears of grief. I feel just from reading your posts that you are some how dimishing the very important relationship that you had with Chad - just because the relationship was never 100% 'official' or you didn't actually get married, doesn't mean that it was any less signifcant than two people who did marry. Maybe it is time to acknowledge what a major loss this actually was for you? Not only did you lose Chad, but you both lost a baby together, and you lost all the hope of a future with him - that is a lot of loss to deal with. Please keep coming and posting here and sharing your journey with us, it really does help the more people you tell - as they all have their own little gems of wisdom to share, helping you move along in your grief process. When you said you have only told several people in your life about Chad, that is another sign that it is buried grief - we do not talk about the person that we lost, we just block it out and dont think of them or have any reminders around of them, and we try to tell ourselves that it was not that significant a loss really and perhaps we are just making a bigger deal out of it than it was... but we cannot cheat our feelings... Sending you warm blessings Rachael.

Dear Kath this is such a beautiful poem, and it is so true of all loved ones we have lost - we just seem to keep thinking of them in every thing we do, and no-one knows the invisible pain that we carry around with us, and we dont know if we will ever get over it... Blessings and Love Rachael.

Hi there I just want to say thanks to Leeann for your response - I really needed to hear that today. This board is becoming a bit of a crutch for me at the moment, but thats ok. What you said about just allowing your grief to come up without judging it or putting conditions on it or anything, that is so true. I have found that its when I try to deny the feelings that I am having, that is when i fall into the pits of despair. You are abandoning that part of yourself that only wants to be felt. It is a slow learning curve though to change behavioural patterns that have been in place for years, but it can be done. To Jei as well, I am so sorry for your loss, and it all sounds like it was very traumatic too, 5 months is nothing at all in the process of grief, you have probably been in the numb stage all that time. You know what I think the best thing you could do for you and your little brothers and sisters, is to all cry together. Leeann is right. Let them see that it is perfectly normal and ok to have all these emotions - by crying you are letting him know that it is ok to cry, and that emotions are ok. This is an experience that will shape his whole life from now on, all your lives. Let the emotions come, and just by being open and gentle with yourself like this, you will pass this way of being on to him too. This is what I am learning now as well. Sending warm heartfelt blessings to you, ask your angel for grace. Rachael xxx

That's beautiful Stacey. I hear ya. Rachael.

Hi all I wrote this poem recently, after many years of denying my mother's death, and searching every area of my life and my past for what the reasons for my deep sadness could be - it finally clicked into place one day - I had never grieved for my mother... I have called it "Grief's Blindfold", because I feel that sometimes, if grief is just too much to bear, and we are not emotionally capable to deal with it, we can block it out completely, and the grief can become a blindfold to everything else in our lives. I was 16 when she died and nowhere near ready to deal with it. Now it is all coming out... In Memory of Mary Orr Martin 17th Aug 1949- 10th June 1999. Grief’s Blindfold My life belies what I want to be Yet I cannot think what that is for me For my heart has been stuck in a time and place When words were unspoken, and life kept its pace And years have passed now, years of contemplation Hundreds of pounds spent on self-help information Thousands of moments that I can never get back On millions of reasons why peace I might lack And yet no thing could tell me that it could be this clear No one pointed out it could be heartache - not fear No single passing thought had ever crossed my mind That it might be buried grief, buried at the time When the shiny wood was lowered to the cold dark grave When flowers were placed and words were said And beds were quickly made All these years forgone now and not once could I see A life had come to pass – what had this meant for me? Relationships have came and went and each one took their toll Pulling me down deeper into the deep and dreary hole I beat the sides, I searched the ground, I tried to build a ladder But every rung I tried to grasp was insubstantial matter For the tears I cried over what I lost - persons, job or home Where nothing but the echo’s of the one thing I’d disowned So now as this reveals itself like a blindfold from my eyes The memories come thick and fast of good things I’d denied A reservoir of love and joy and laughter and comfort and hope The rich and vibrant happenings, now how will I ever cope - As the realisation creeps in too and makes a silent hole That she is gone, gone forever, no more to nourish my soul. As the ribbons of grief unravel themselves, the wings of the dove will flap And suck in air for the strangled throat of the grief that was at nap And the tears come now, deep and murky Stagnant throughout the years For although I feel I’m all cried out They weren’t the proper tears by Rachael Martin.

Hi everyone, I am doing some delayed greiving for my mother and it is hitting very hard, some days I cannot hold it together in work. I never took one day off school when my mum died and just threw myself into my studies, and after that straight into a job, I have never given myself time to grieve. Not facing the truth head on meant that I could get on with life, but in a very solemn mood, and I have been depressed for years without really facing the core reason of it. After a particularly tough week last week - I was thinking of taking a few weeks off to let myself rest and deal with it all - I was all prepared to do this and came in to work today to speak with my manager about arranging time off - but today [for the first day in a while] I am feeling ok and able to cope! And now I don't know whether taking time off is a good idea or not - how can I justify being off on days when I am feeling ok? Then I would feel guilty about not working! My moods are very up and down at the moment, last week it was hard just to leave the house for a few days, but today was ok, but then tomorrow may not be - its so unpredictable, I'm not sure what to do for the best. The last thing I want to do now is keep trying to trudge through my daily routine with a brave and smiling face as I have been doing for so long. My counsellor and doctor both suggest anti-depressants so that I can get on with 'everyday life' ie keep going to work and do my normal routine, and then use my counselling sessions to 'tap into the pain at will' - well to me, the tablets would just be another way to block this pain out, and I think I have been blocking it in so many other ways for long enough already. And with anti-depressants, surely it just numbs the pain, and the pain will still be there when you stop taking them - so is it not only delaying grief even more? The thing about grief is that it is so unpredictable - how are you meant to manage that whilst continuing with life? And can you really just sit down and decide now is the time to feel the pain - surely it just comes up at the most unexpected times? What are others opinions on this? My only worries are that if I do take time off work I will fall into the rut of staying in my house and being alone too much which may make me feel even more alone; and also that if I do take a few weeks off and it doesn't even help - then its time off for nothing.... Any advice or suggestions from anyone who's been there would be helpful right now. Thanks and blessings to all, Rachael.

Hi there, I'm sorry I don't know your name... it sounds like you are going through a really tough time, and I can understand exactly what it is like to feel so alone, its the most difficult feeling we have to contend with in life... I just want to say that everything in your life has changed, and a death of a parent will undoubtedly [in my opinion] make you re-examine everything in your life, including your future direction. I mentioned in a previous post about when you loose a parent, its almost like you have to learn to re-parent yourself in a way, and that takes time. When you said about your number 1 cheerleader not being there for you, well, not in the flesh no, but he is there as an ongoing memory in your head and heart, always, and all you have to do is think about what HE would say to you anytime you doubt yourself.... 'how would dad encourage me now?' 'What would dad day to comfrot me?' Please don't say you have a sad life! Your life is not sad, you are sad, and you are sad for one of the most understandable reasons there is, loosing a parent. Please try to have some grace and compassion for yourself for this major life change your are having to now adjust to. The comments your cousin made, only you know if it is right to bring them up with her, but I am pretty sure she would not have meant it in a pitiful way, rather a sympathetic way, and that she was trying to let you know that she sincerely feels for you, and perhaps makes her appreciate her own parents more. If you feel you want to talk to her, then do. If these comments have resurfaced in your mind, then perhaps now you have reached the stage of grief where part of you is really feeling this for yourself, and that is in no way meant to be derogatory, its completely ok to feel this. Why shouldn't you feel this for yourself? What an awful thing you have had to go through. You say about the little voice in your head that puts a negative spin on everything - I know all about that. But it is just one perspective of your mind, you need to catch it and replace it with a nurturing and supportive voice. To me [and from my own personal experience] it sounds like you are describing that when your dad left [the nurturing support person] that nurturing and supportive role left your life completely and this negative viewpoint has taken over. But somewhere inside that voice lives on, and what you can do for youself now is to learn to reclaim it. I'd also like to say that in my past experiences of wanting to not go on anymore and end it all - I have learnt [the hard way], that at those times it was the inner child part of me that was hurting and really wanted nothing more than my mother or father to put their arms around me and tell me it was all going to be ok, but I didn't have them, and I used to focus on this and how awful and alone I was - that just drove me further into the pits of despair. It was like the part of me that felt abandoned - I was abandoning it even more by not being there to comfort myself. So it is about learning to comfort and re-parent yourself... again just imagine what your parent would say to comfort you in this situation and say it to yourself, over and over and over again. Its about learning to be there for yourself, I think when people feel suicidal it is because not only to they feel abandoned, but they are abandoning themselves as well, when really the only thing that is needed is to learn to comfort yourself. Its like you are splitting your own energy and going against yourself when really what you need is to be at one with yourself and be there and sit with that pain. So many times I have been there, just wanting anyone to be there for me, and they weren't and I wasn't being there supporting myself either. Instead of looking outside yourself, it is time to learn to nurture and support yourself, and the internalised voices of your parents can help, and they will always be there, they can never be taken away from you. Any person in this world can be taken away from you, but you can never be taken away from yourself. And feeling suicidal is when you are trying to abandon yourself too, or that hurt part of yourself. And by the way, I am not perfect, sometimes I still get caught up in this old pattern, but I am slowly learning how to support myself - and you can too. I wish someone would come and take away all the pain and do all the nurturing and support stuff for me, but it isn't going to happen! Certainly we have friends and family to rely on to a certain extent, but I believe the best thing we can do is to learn to support ourselves from within... you CAN do this, and you will... in the meantime, as you learn, try to surround yourself with the most support and comforting things and people that you can. And remember that you won't always feels this way - you will get through this. I would like to recommend a book that has helped me - When Parents Die by Rebecca Abrams. It explains a lot of the behaviours we may experience in ourselves and brings understanding at a time of confusion. Sending you blessings, you are not alone... be gentle with yourself and keep posting on this board, it is a good support. Rachael.

Dear Stacey I lost my mum when I was 16 doing final exams, my granda 2 months later and my gran 3 months after that. I kept going and did them all to my best, and then moved on to college and then into a job, all without stopping, but it has caught up with me in a major way, all that trying to keep busy. Its definately not what the soul calls for. Listen to your body, your heart and your soul, you will know in quiet times in your gut what you really need to do for YOURSELF - whether that is to keep pushing forward or to take some time off and be with yourself to grieve. Try to lay aside all the mental arguements about what you should do, what others think you should do, and instead listen to your heart, and yes, it could be your mum or an angel giving you this guidance too... just listen in the quiet moments, like first thing in the morning on opening your eyes, or after a long walk in the fresh air... I wouldn't say your mum would want you to finish school, I would say your mum would want you to do what brings you most peace and happiness right now... whatever that may be.... And you are going through a quarter life crisis - but thats ok. You have just lost the most significant person in your life - what's not a crisis about that? And so what if you are overly emotional right now? Don't put any judgements on your feelings, just let them have their own flow, trust them, allow them. Blocking them or trying to rationalise them only puts a stop in the pipe and it will have to come out eventually. Better out than in my friend. I still feel like a little child that just needs her mummy to comfort her, a part of me has always felt like that.... and probably always will. Now we have to learn to comfort that part for ourselves, its like learning to re-parent yourself in a way, and its hard. And I don't know the answer yet! It may sound weird, but I bought a little dolly and when I am upset I hug her and imagine what my mum would say to me to comfort me, and I say it to the doll, which represents the part of me hurting. Its a small comfort and I think will help on the road to re-parenting yourself. Regards skipping a stage in life, that is true. At this age you are meant to be propelling yourself out in to the world and into your future, but instead you are having to deal with this. Most of your fellow college students will not understand what you are going through, and you are set apart from them now. Don't try to make yourself continue with your future plans the way others are continuing with theirs - nothing has changed in their life situation... everything has changed in yours. And you don't even have to continue with the plans you made for your future before your mum died - because that single event changed absolutely everything for you, and its completely ok to readjust and rethink everything if you need to. The best and simplest advice I can give is to do what you need to do for yourself. And if you don't know what that is yet, then thats ok too. You will know some day. This is life. There is no rush and no prize at the end of it. Life is about the journey, not the destination. There may also be the possibility that continuing on with your studies is right for you, and it may be a structure that you need right now, but that you just need to be a bit more lenient and gentle with yourself and remember that you are not studying under normal mental/emotional conditions like everyone else. For now just try to relax into the grief you are feeling and let it be what it is... No more shoulds and 'trying' to work it out... the mind cannot heal the heart... and it is your heart that is in pain. Ask for grace from your angel... Sending angels blessings to you, Rachael.

Elaine, ah, you poor thing, I know EXACTLY how you feel! [And we must be about the same age too]. I was having panic attacks too, but haven't had them for a few months now because I let myself release some of the pent up emotions - that's all the panic attacks are, there is so much emotion and grief you are holding on to, pleeeease dont listen to those people saying that if you didn't want panic attacks you wouldn't have them, that is the biggest load of bs ever. You did very well to the suppress the grief for several years, trust me, I know, I managed to deny it for the past 9 years, and now its all coming out. The grief never goes away, and if you want to move through this honey, so that you don't have to feel like this for the rest of your life, well, as I am learning, you are just going to have to let yourself get emmersed in it for a while. I still feel so much grief, I feel like my chest is going to cave in at certain times of the day, this is the power of suppressed grief, like I said it never goes away, it just festers and comes up as different symptoms until you deal with the original trauma. Not wanting to have panic attacks means you won't have them??? What is that! That makes me so angry! It clearly comes from people who do not understand. [unless of course they are implying that if you don't want to have them, then let yourself cry, properly, from your gut, really sobbing and verbalising the whole thing. Silent tears and little wimpers don't work, it has to come with force!] I have seen others in life who have never really dealt with the original loss and it goes on to continue affecting every area of your life, relationships, career, friendships, your whole mood and emotion about your life. And they have no idea what is truly 'wrong' with them, what the underlying cause is. I know what mine is now. And I think you do too.... I read books for years about everything being down to the power of your thoughts and if you really didn't want to be depressed/sad/panic attacks etc then 'all you have to do is change your thoughts about it'. Ya, right! It doesn't work, take it from someone who has tried for years. You need to let yourself feel it all and release it all fully. And one session of crying isn't going to do it either as I have learnt! I am still in the thick of it, I don't know how long it will take me to get over it, but even thinking like that is being impatient with yourself at a time when all you really needs IS time and patience with yourself. I would suggest you try ocunselling again. It is the only thing that is really helping me to keep moving through this, and not jack it all in telling myself its in my head and all I need to do is have a positive outlook... [that reminds me, I wrote a little poem I will post later]. Perhaps it felt like there was no-one there for you when you needed to grieve, so you put it on hold - well now is the time to find someone who will let you do just that. Put your intention out that you will find a good counsellor suited to your needs and with the experience to understand and help you move through this, because it is so very real. Believe that. I still wonder sometimes am I just 'thinking all this up' again to feel sorry for myself, but then I have to get real. Our mother's died - the most significant person in our entire lifetime, the one who brought us into this world and led us through it - and we did not take time to grieve. How immense is that? We both need support and understanding with this, we could lend that to eachother right now. Arms open wide, let it all out honey. That is the only way through it. Sending you much Heartfelt Blessings, and understanding, Rachael.

Hi Temmie it sounds like you are dealing with so much change right now. Change and loss are so hard. I don't know if there is anything anyone can really say to make it better, I think just knowing that other people are here to listen and support you can help, and the number of responses you recieve to your post on this board lets you know you are not alone, although it must certainly feel that way. Its times like these we have to be our own best friends, although I am not even sure what that means sometimes! Give yourself a big hug, do the things that make you FEEL better, no matter what that is, and without judgement, and remind yourself that "this too shall pass". I think just allowing yourself to feel the pain and loss fully is the only answer to moving through it. I don't know what religion or faith you have, but just reminding yourself that your god/the universe supports you, and although things may seem so hard right now, the ultimate power is grace, and there are always hidden blessings in everything we have to endure, even though we cannot always see them. The darker the cloud, the brighter the silver living. Blessings and light from Rachael in N.Ireland.

Hi Everyone, I am new to this Forum, from Northern Ireland. I was searching on the net for some info about delayed grief and I came across this post and thought it really struck a chord with me. I just wanted to share my story also as I have been reading in this forum and you all seem so nice and supportive. I lost my mum to cancer almost 10 years ago, when I was 16. Since then I have had an almost depressive mood, which comes and goes in its intensity. The past 8 years I have spent 'searching' in all manner of spiritual and self-help books and courses and workshops for the reasons for my unhappiness, without looking at the obvious. So many of them said the route of your unhappiness was childhood grievances and also attachment to other people - so I spent years and years searching my childhood for small grievances, feeling like such a victim and being annoyed at others for this, and then also trying not to have any feelings towards any other people as that was 'attachment' - and anytime I did have feelings for people I beat myself up for that. It was such a vicious circle pushing me deeper down, but I couldn't see it. Only a few months ago I reached suicidal for the last time and a friend introduced me to her mum who is a counsellor. She said at the start she suspected I has unresolved grief issues, but it has taken me almost 4 months to see it myself. I feel such a strange mix of emotions, but mostly 'silly' that it has taken me 10 years to really realise my mum's death. Only now I am having thoughts like - I am never going to see her, ever again. The reality of that thought is only dawning on me now - 10 years later - is this possible? It just seems so weird to me. But it chokes me and is so painful. It actually feels like I am being stabbed in the middle of the chest and sometimes I can't breath properly. I have spent so many years being angry at my mother, I had completely blocked out any good memories of her, I felt so guilty about this, but my counsellor said perhaps it was easier to be angry at her than miss her. This is certainly true. Now the feelings of missing her that are coming up are so painful and intense I am finding it hard to hold myself together somedays, especially in work, and I feel I can't really share it with others because they will think I am so weird - crying over something that happened 10 years ago?? I was going to ask "is this genuine, can I really be feeling this", but I guess I have to stop asking others for the answers as I've been doing for so long. This is real, I feel it. And since recalling her death, the amount of good memories coming flooding back in unreal, things I can't even remembering happening before, all the lovely times we shared and the amazing amount of kindness and sweet things she used to do for me on a daily basis. How could I have forgotten all this? And I'm sure its no coincidence that in the attic last week I found a box of photo's and things, all my birthday cards from her, from my first birthday to my 16th, as well as the little plastic bracelet she wore in hospital when she gave birth to me. I tried to make myself feel something with these but I couldn't, I guess that will come in time, I have been pushing it down for so long. I am only really understanding why I did not grieve, it is a mix of reasons: I was never actually told my mum had cancer for the 3 years that she was ill, even though I sort of worked it out myself, we were not allowed to talk about it - it was taboo. My mum was trying to be brave to protect us from the hurt and worry. And my dad who is very emotionally absent was uncomfortable with others expressing their emotions, so that wasn't allowed. My mum went into the hospice, I was allowed to see her for about 15 minutes [in a crowded room] then sent home to bed, and in the morning my dad got me up, told me she had died and told me to go and get dressed for school as I had an exam. [i was doing my GCSE's, not sure what your american equivalent is but these are the exams everyone needs when leaving school to get a job - so quite pressurized.] Anyway, he drove me to school and then told me to get out of the car, I started to cry but he told me to stop crying and go and do my exams because everyone would remember me for being such a brave girl. The next few weeks of exams were like this, then when I finished school my dad sent me into an office to work for the summer. We were not allowed one single day off school or work. For some reason I seem to have had it the worst, my brother and two sisters all had time off, I think because of the importance of these exams I was doing I was 'not allowed'. Then my beloved grandfather died 2 months later, and then my granny, my mother's mum just a few months after that. I don't think I have any memories of that year or the one after. My dad is still like this, shouts at you for showing emotions and being 'weak' and if you feel sad you must just get up and do something to take your mind off it. This is how I have been subconsciously running my life the past 10 years too, just making sure I go to work, keep busy and dont miss any appointments, but it doesn't work, there is too much grief, it spills out at the most inappropriate times! And I have been getting more fragile as the years go on. I guess now I have to start the journey of dealing with it consciously so I can get on with my life again. Just not sure how yet! I also lost a baby sister when I was 11, but again when my dad told me and I started to cry he said "stop crying, who would you rather have died, your mother or the baby?" I can still remember that so vividly. That was the end of that. Apparently! But I found a little story I wrote when I was 11 about the sadness I felt over it - I can't even remember this - when I think of the little girl who wrote that letter, I feel so sorry for her, she certainly felt a loss, but was on some level told she was not allowed to. I think there must be some burried grief with this too. I don't know how to access that or deal with it either. Well I know this is a long post, but even just writing it has helped me. So thanks to anyone who reads and listens. I do sense there are so many compassionate people here, that alone is a comfort - it feels like a safe place to share. Thanks to all and blessings to each... Rachael.