laurasc718472

Well, it's almost been a year since Nike came back from spay surgery totally blind. As of today, she has gained a lot of her sight back (possibly 80 percent) to which I am very grateful. She is still visually impaired, but the extent cannot be determined. I got a letter in the mail today about the Board's decision on the complaint that I filed. The response is as follows: "A Special Conference Committee, consisting of two members of the Virginia Board of Veterinary Medicine, reviewed the complaint and the results of the investigation conducted on behalf of the Board by the Department of Health Professions. Based on this review, the Committee found that there does not appear to be clear and convincing evidence to substantiate a violation of the laws and regulations governing the practice of veterinary medicine in Virginia. " "Under these circumstances, the Board has closed this complaint with a finding of no violation. We appreciate your efforts in bringing this matter to the Board's attention." I did my part in filing a complaint, and the board did its part in investigating this matter. This is the avenue that has to be pursued, and I am glad that it exists. If Nike's blindness was caused by happenstance, then so be it. I would not want Dr. Denney's livelihood to be impacted by something that was out of his control. I surely wasn't able to make a call by myself, so I'm glad that the investigator was able to determine more information so that an informed decision about what happened could be made. No hard feelings, and no regrets either Laura

I just wanted to let everyone know that if your pet has eaten the recalled food, it doesn't always mean permanent kidney damage. There is hope for some. My knowledge is for cats. I'm not sure about the how the food is affecting dogs, sorry! One of my cats ingested the recalled food. Her kidney functioning was considered "acute renal failure" by definition. Her BUN was 81, her creatinine was 6.7. She was given 200ml of sub-q fluids every other day for two weeks. After two weeks, her kidney functioning blood values had returned to "within normal limits." So there is hope. I've been speaking with vets from Iams (one of the recalled brands). She said that she has seen my kitty's response in several other cats, which has been the more typical response. For the others, for which I am very sorry, after repeat bloodwork, kidney values have worsened. I asked her what may be the difference of why one cat's kidney function may return to normal and why another's elevates even more, and she was unsure. There is just not enough data out there to come to a valid conclusion about this. I just wanted to post this, so maybe it doesn't seem so hopeless. There is a possibility that your pet may recover.

Well, it's been a while since I reported on Nike. She is doing just okay. Losing some of her sight has really changed her personality a lot. The originally fearless one has become quiet and shy. She still plays quite a bit, but has gained a lot of weight. She's not even a year old and I have to watch how much she eats....... She doesn't look into my eyes like she used to. She runs and hides with most every noise. She spends a lot more time under the bed than she should. When I come home from work, she follows me around the house. Whenever I sit down, she's right there on my lap. It's kind of heartbreaking. But I'm glad that she was able to gain a lot of her sight back. I'm very fortunate for that. Things could have been a lot worse. I have gotten a really good friend out of this. She is very vocal and talks to me all the time. She's right by my side as I'm typing. She says hello. Laura

Hmmmm, my kittens were from a feral mother too. There are similarities. It was my female kitten though. My heart is breaking for you; it brings back all the memories of the first days with Nike. I too had another cat that passed away in Feb, and that's why I got the kittens. All I can say is make your kitten feel as safe as you can. The more secure and safe he feels, the more likely he will be to start investigating in his new state. Make sure he gets plenty of water and food so that the anesthesia can be metabolized from his body. It hasn't been very long since the surgery, and he is probably still recuperating from the anesthesia poisoning. It will be a few days, though, until you get a glimpse of some his personality returning. That's how it was with Nike. Eventually, he should start to get his bearings and feel more secure. The hardest part for me with Nike was trying to keep her brother away. He didn't understand and he kept attacking her to play (which freaked her out). Nike's surgery was on a Thurs (thank god it happened on a holiday weekend), but by Tuesday I went back to work. I did come home to check on her during the day a couple of times. I was so concerned and felt I couldn't leave her either. I only left a couple of hours at a time until I felt comfortable enough to leave her longer. I am keeping my fingers crossed that your kitten will gain some of his sight back. It doesn't take much. Hold in there. Laura

Nooky, I'm so sorry. I know how it feels. It's very scary and it sounds like your vet was as helpful as mine. I'm hoping that your kitty will have some return of vision. Vision didn't come back for about 5-7 days. Keep feeding him and making sure that he is drinking plenty of water. My kitty, Nike, was a little wobbly on her feet for a few days after surgery. That slowly went away. It took about 4-5 days before sight started slowly returning. What I noticed first when sight first started coming back was that my kitty would bob her head (like the bobble-head dolls). I thought it was strange, but each time she did that consistently for a few days, it seemed as thought she was able to see better. I think she was just trying to adjust to more vision. When I took her to the ER within a couple of days after surgery (actually 3 days after surgery), the ER vet shined a light into her eyes and her pupils reacted to the light. He said that her reacting to the light was a very good sign that some vision would return. Don't give up hope. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I check my email regularly. I was a total wreck after this happened, but it lightened up in about a week (I think it was more like 10 days) before her vision started coming back. My thoughts are with you. Laura

It's been a while since I've written. I filed my complaint, and it has been assigned to an investigator. The first step is for the investigator to confirm my complaint verbally, and that happened today. She said that her job was just to gather information and give that information to the Board for a determination. I will have no idea what the doctor's side of the story will be. She was a very nice woman. She read my complaint and asked a few questions. My concern was about the discrepancy in weight -- I thought that it might have been that discrepancy that contributed to Nike's blindness. It seemed like her concern was that the doctor didn't give me any sort of guidance or discharge information on how to take care of my newly blinded cat. The only advice Dr. Denney gave me when Nike went home was "keep her away from stairs." Some kind of advice for someone who has to take care of a newly blinded cat, huh? Anyway, nothing will bring back Nike's pre-surgery sight. I guess all I really want out of this is for the next person not to have to go through the same thing or be treated as poorly as I had been. The investigation may take from two months up to a year. Since I had to initiate the contact with the investigator, it will probably take closer to a year. All I have is time......... The good news is that Nike is doing very well. I can't really tell for sure how much of Nike's sight has returned, but she is getting along very well. She still doesn't look out the window like she used to. She can tell her brother apart from my other cat 90 percent of the time. It used to be when one of the other cats entered the room, Nike didn't know if it was a friend or foe. It is almost cute in a sad kind of way when she can't discern that the vacuum I've left out isn't an intruder in her territory. She approaches very cautiously, waiting for a verbal cue from this beast. When the vacuum doesn't respond, she moves closer and closer until she strikes it a couple of times. She then realizes that it's only the vacuum and moves on. I guess what I get out of this is a very verbal cat that is always at my side. She sits down on my lap every night. She always lets me know when she wants attention. I sometimes wonder how her personality has been affected by her diminished sight, but I guess I'll never know. I'm just glad that a lot of her sight has returned for her sake and my guilt for taking her in for surgery. Another day, another time and who knows, the outcome might have been different. Again Maylissa and Marty thanks for your thoughts when I desperately needed some......... Laura

Hello, I just wanted to let you know that Nike has regained some sight. She is now able to discern furniture and contrasting objects. She is able to play with a piece of balled up aluminum foil and track it pretty well to play for minutes at a time. She is jumping on the bed with no problem; she even chases her brother successfully The first time she tried, her brother cut the corner into the other room, and Nike slammed into the wall -- that was hard to watch.... The ER doc said that her vision may return, and it looks like over time she may get more of it back. I can tell that she feels more comfortable each and every day. She is regaining more independence and confidence daily. I'm glad to see my little kitten acting more like her old self. I just thought I would share the great news..... Thanks for all your kind words and help during this very stressful time. Laura

Maylissa and Marty T, First of all I want to thank both of you very much for your responses in my time of need. This site is very helpful now with the issues of my kitten Nike and before with the loss of my dear Pismo. The initial shock of finding out my kitten was blind was something I don't wish on anyone, and I don't think that anyone should have had to endure like I did. No one at the vet's office gave me any indication that there were any adverse affects from surgery other than "she was having a little trouble coming out of the anesthesia." From the time of surgery on Thursday morning until Friday when I decided to take her home, I had called three times to find out her status. At no time did the doctor nor his staff tell me of the possibility that my kitten was blind. My feeling is that they were hoping that this was some sort of transient episode which would resolve itself before she went home or before I would notice. They even told me over the phone that they wanted to keep her one more night "for observation"....Maybe this might have worked with other people, but my animals are my babies. I care for them like I cared for my daughter. I am very, very disappointed with how the doctor handled this whole situation. The doctor and/or his staff should have been much more upfront about her condition. I had to go into that office and find out myself. It wasn't like it was hard to determine because I noticed she was blind within seconds of seeing her. The second thing I noticed was Nike's weight on the discharge summary. It was incorrect. They have her weight incorrectly at 6.5 (which I thought was 6 and 1/2 pounds -- but later found out it was 6 lbs 5 oz). The ER vet's office I took her to on Sunday for another eval, weighed her 11 ozs lighter. Her brother's weight was right on with his surgery weight. Together the inaccuracy in her weight and the feeling I get that they were trying to cover this up, leaves me feeling suspect about her care. I have a fairly strong sense of intuition about things, and something tells me this is a little fishy here. This is what I plan on doing: I am going to get a blood test to make sure that Nike's liver and kidney function is normal. This would affect her metabolism of the anesthesia and would possibly account for this reaction. That is just one possibility. I have to rule this out before jumping to any conclusions about any other behavior of the vet's office, other than the way his office and staff kept her blindness from me. If her kidney and liver functioning turn out to be normal, then I am going to file a complaint. I've already spoken with the state licensing agency about this complaint. They will investigate to find out if there was any malfeasance on the part of the vet, if the investigator feels this case merits it. If this is something that could have been prevented, then I want to make sure it does not have to happen to anyone else. If this is something that just happened based on no apparent cause, then so be it. Both outcomes will not change Nike's situation. Money is not an issue when it comes to my pets - throwing it away on something that might give me false hope is. False hope is more devastating to me than accepting the situation. Maylissa, I'm am very grateful for all your suggestions. Just knowing of some options that you mentioned that I hadn't even previously thought about gave me hope that I was not totally hopeless or helpless in this situation -- that there was actually something more that I could do. I haven't ruled any of those suggestions out. I'm not a litigious person, and I'm not a person out to make anyone's life miserable just because mine may seem like it at the time. I have thought hard and long about what I should do and what I feel comfortable doing. What I said above makes me feel comfortable. The most important thing to me right now is Nike. She is a trooper. I think that she is adjusting to this very well -- better than humans are able. I think I noticed her blindness so quickly because I have a background in blindness - my parents are both blind. The vet probably didn't take that into account when they didn't tell me about Nike's blindness and probably hoped I wouldn't notice. Anyway, Nike is doing better and better with each passing day. There is an indication that Nike may have regained a very, very, very tiny bit of sight. This is just based on my observations - not on any medical determination. The ER vet on Sunday said there was a possibility of regaining some sight -- I'm hopeful that it comes true. Thanks for everything, Laura

Well, surgery was thursday, and it is now Monday. I noticed on the discharge sheet that they had her weight higher than the male's. She is much smaller. That accounts for a 20% weight difference in what her real weight was. I'm sure that this is a mistake that caused my little girl to go blind. I took her in on Sunday to get a second opinion. Doctors seem to stick together. He didn't say anything negative about the other vet. Possible causes of her blindness: hypoxia (lack of oxygen), hypotention (low blood pressure), idiopathic drug reaction (drug reaction of no known cause???) and other....whatever that means!!! The new doc stated that when he took her back into the room to check out her eyes, she squinted when he shined a bright light in them... He said that indicated some return of vision. I'm not sure how they determine that's not the amount of vision that she woke up from surgery with. He surely doesn't know because he didn't see her right afterwards! There is a slight.......very slight possibility that some of her vision may return. He told me if I see any vision coming back there would be signs within six months. That's a half a year..... So right now, I'm raising a blind kitten...........because of what looks like an anesthesia overdose!!!!! I HATE THAT VET--I HATE THAT VET--I HATE THAT VET!!! Nothing is going to change her sight, but I'm very angry. I written several letters to that doctor and thrown them away. I want to leave a nasty message on his voicemail. I still may do that. He wants to examine her again tomorrow. Right, like that's going to happen. He didn't tell me she was blind in the first place. There's nothing that makes me think he would even apologize. That would be the professional thing to do. Even acknowledge that something went wrong. He gets off scott free, and mine and Nike's lives are forever changed. Something's not right here.

Hello, I'm not new to this site. Three months ago, my dear Pismo passed away from cancer. I became very familiar with this website. It helped immensely. Now, I need advice.... I adopted two kittens shortly after Pismo's death. They are now 20 weeks old -- got them at 9 weeks. Well, I took both of them in yesterday to get spayed and neutered. The neutering went fine, but my dear Nike is now blind. She had surgery yesterday morning some time. The vet's office does surgery from 9:00-2:00, so I'm not sure what time block she was actually operated in. At 5:00 p.m., I went to visit her and take home my boy. She was almost like a limp rag. They said that she was having a little trouble coming out of the anesthesia. So, this morning I called. They said she was better, more active and alert. I went over on my lunch hour. I walked to the cage to see my girl (Nike - like the shoe). She was howling. She didn't recognize me. Her eyes did not follow my hands. I said, "My cat is blind." I asked to be put in a room and the doctor came in and talked to me. I was in shock and crying at this point. They never told me she couldn't see. Did they think I was stupid??? We discussed possible causes -- lack of oxygen, stroke, reaction to the anesthesia. She didn't look like a stroke because both sides of her body were essentially the same. He told me that all during the surgery, no monitors gave him an indication that her oxygen level had dropped. Because I specifically asked that question. He mentioned several monitors: O2-sat -- that's the only I remember offhand. Now she's on Prednisolone. I asked why that medication. He said for any possible inflammation of the cerebral cortex. I brought her home so she would feel safe. She did not feel safe at all in there. They didn't make me pay for the surgery. The doctor said, He "feels in his heart that she will get some vision back." I thought, Wow, that doesn't sound like medical advice, but I was in shock and still am. The question I have is: I guess I know that nothing can bring back her sight, but are there any avenues I should pursue regarding this?? Should I log a complaint with some Veternary Society or regulatory agency? If so, do you know what agency? Should I check into this any more? I asked to see the chart, and the doctor came in and said there is nothing in the chart that he had not already told me. I don't remember the whole conversation, but he made a statement something to the effect of "I'm not lying about this - I would not do such a thing." I might have been accusatory, but being in shock, I'm not sure. My little Nike is acting like a trooper!!! I just feel so bad and guilty that such a routine surgery went bad. It's killing me to know that I took her in. Maybe on another day this wouldn't have happened. I'm in need of a little advice because I know that my head is not thinking properly right now. Any help would be very much appreciated. Thanks, Laura

DAy 58 Wow, it seems like forever since I've written anything on here. Pismo, I still miss you. I still cry every once in a while. The kittens are starting to get a personality -- a recognizable personality other than PLAY.... Some of the things they do remind me of my dear Pismo. Almost three months later, and there are still tears. I miss the little things that you did -- our nighttime rituals, your drinking out of the faucet, your laziness, greeting me at the door when I came home. You were the best cat ever!!!! You were an original. We just clicked. We understood each other. I miss you dear Piggy. Thanks for being in my life..................................................

Anne, That sounds beautiful.........she now lives in your heart. You sound much better. I'm glad. It's very hard to deal with losing a pet that was in your life daily, one that you cared for and one that showed unconditional love. You are right about another cat. There will never be a cat just like Koko, nor one like Pismo. They were very unique pets. Getting another pet does not replace the one that is lost. Never. I didn't get the kittens to replace Pismo. If I looked at it that way, I would resent these little babies. I don't. They are the sweetest little things -- mainly little devils, though Just last night for the first time, they were settled enough to sit in my lap and fall asleep. I'm sure there is more to come. Glad that you're still here! I only lost it when I saw the needle......I wasn't even expecting it at all. It's the craziest things that remind me of him. But I smile a lot when I think of him. And like you said: he "now lives in my heart." I love that! Take care. Laura

DAY 28 - I can't believe it's only been 28 days....The sadness comes and goes. I miss my little Piggy Boy. I see your picture every morning when I open the window. It makes me sad that you're gone. I miss you. I went to the doctor on Thursday and had to give blood. When the nurse brought out the butterfly needle I just lost it. It was the same kind of needle that I had been giving Pismo sub-q fluids with. I hadn't cried in days, and the sight of that needle made the tears pour out. I didn't even expect that reaction. The nurse thought I was scared to give blood..........I don't really care what she thought. I miss you Pismo. I'm sorry that I had to put you through all the pain and injections and doctor visits -- all the things that scared you. You were pretty brave in the end. You just sat in your carrier being the proud kitty that you were. I miss you boy....... The kittens are Nike and Puma -- Nike because she's got this "Just Do It" attitude like the shoe manufacturer. And Puma just to keep it in the shoe family. They are great cats -- not much personality other than PLAY personality. They are little hellions..........dashing and running and climbing all over. I can't believe they even try to climb up the wall. I have to put them in the other bedroom at night so that I can sleep. They are so cute. They have even started purring when I pet them Anne, I hope that you are doing better. I hope that your days are a little easier. I know the days will never be the same again, but some of bring smiles. I LOVE YOU PISMO!!!

Anne, I'm going through the same things. I'm not crying regularly anymore, though, certain things trigger the tears. I know what you mean about your routines, the emptiness when Koko isn't following you. Those are the hardest things to get past. I still haven't taken a bath because every time I took one, Pismo was right there with me lying on the rug. Before I got the kittens, there was a website that I read that discusses how soon should you get a new pet. It's: http://www.pet-loss.net/newpet.html I know that I'm not replacing Pismo. I got the kittens to bring life back in my home. The kittens are so very full of it. It's exactly what I needed. You have to decide for yourself when is the right time. Some people decide that the pain of loss is so severe, that they never end up getting another pet. I just know that I made the right choice for myself. I've only had them four days, but there is not one regret. They are so cute and I'm already hooked. I took them into the vet tonight because they both have nasal symptoms. I noticed the symptoms when I first saw them, but the guy that fostered them said it was probably stress because they hadn't had symptoms until that day...Yeah, right. The vet said that most likely they have a herpes viral infection. Just my luck. It's not in their eyes, so that's a good thing. So both of them are on antibiotics. This is something that can be recurring or nothing else may ever happen. I'll have to see. Just know that the pain does alleviate with time. I'm very surprised that I'm dealing with the loss of Pismo as well as I am. Hopefully each and every day will bring you less and less pain. Laura

Anne, I know the feeling. I never wanted to be in the house. After work, I would walk around the mall or run errands until I was tired. Then, I would finally go home, cry my eyes out, and start the next day the same way. Each morning I would wake up with red, swollen eyes reminding me of the night before. My eyes would feel heavy. That feeling didn't go away for a while. It does get easier -- by easier I mean that when you think of Koko, instead of tears, there will be happy memories. IT TAKES TIME -- LOTS OF IT TOO! Each one of us grieves at different rates...IT HURTS, I know. But you have to give yourself the opportunity to let it all out. I did. I feel better for it. You are doing the right thing. Some people turn their head to their feelings, but at some time it just has to come out. You are doing the very best thing by thinking of all the good times that you had together, by feeling guilty, by feeling mad........all those are very normal. It's been only 17 days since I lost my Pismo. I wasn't going to cry today, but my friends got me an engraved stone with Pismo's name. When the UPS guy delivered it, I almost threw up it hurt so bad. It just takes time. Everyone hates hearing that, but it is true. Once I cried tonight, my thoughts went else where for a little while until I came here. That's what time has given me. Time will give that to you too. Be patient. It will come..........promise. You have to do your homework too. After the first ten days, I started telling myself that I needed to do some of the things that I had stopped doing because of my loss -- that was pretty much everything. I hadn't cooked, cleaned, paid bills, eaten very much, washed clothes..........nothing. So I made a pact with myself that I would do one thing each day to get back on track. It helped me. Some days I just fought it, but as little as it was, it helped me to feel better more quickly. I'm not good at this grieving thing, all I can do is express my sympathy (and I am very, very sorry) and keep you in my heart. Laura

Anne, There was no way that you could have known what was going to happen to Koko. I know the pain that you are in. If I would have only known..............but, you know, there is no way of ever knowing that something like this would happen. I know you have guilt, but nothing was your fault. You were a good mommie to Koko. No one ever intends to put loved ones in harms way. I feel the same about my kitty, Pismo. I look back at how long the cancer must have been in him. If I had only known, he probably could have been treatable and had many more years. But.....the fact is, is that we're only human. I wish that we all could read that crystal ball and no when to do thing or not do things. It's just not possible. Don't beat yourself up for anything. You were doing something that you had been doing for a while with Koko. You were the best loving mommie to her and gave her many wonderful years. Don't forget that. I know that it takes a long time to heal from such a hurt -- I'm still hurting too. I try to look on the bright side. It's taken a while to be able to do this. Grieving is healthy, though. It's sometimes good just to let go and get it all out of your system. You have suffered a great loss. This website is very good. It helps us all get through these not so wonderful times. I'm glad that you shared and am glad that I was able to share. There are a couple of websites that I've found. That may be helpful. One is what emotions we go through suffering from the loss of a pet: http://www.pet-loss.net/emotions.html The other one is grief support writing. I know that writing and also going back to read what I have written gets the tear flowing quite a bit. It's a healthy cry and afterwards I feel better. Hope they help. http://www.petloss.com/writing.htm You are in my heart! I'm so sorry.

DAY -15 How did I miss so many days? I didn't miss any thoughts of Pismo though. Well, I went out and did it. I got two 9-week old kittens. I missed the company of my kitty and the life around the house. What's hard but also makes me smile, is the playfulness of these little innocent creatures. Even though I never had Pismo this early, they are bringing back a lot of good memories of my dear Pismo. I remember how he used to play so hard with the little toys I brought home. I remember how tiny he actually was in the pictures that I have. These two little kittens are so precious. I've been thinking about how I would feel to get more kitties, and finally I just went out and found them. I know I'm not replacing Pismo -- there is no replacement and never will be a replacement for him. These little kittens bring new life into my world. These little kitties, a brother and sister, are the cutest little things. They, along with their other brothers and sisters were rescued. Their mother was a feral kitty, as most as I could get. A no-kill agency took them all in. Mom was spayed and the little kittens all found homes. I hope they are all in very good homes and doing well. I'm usually against getting kittens because so many older cats are harder to adopt and in more need. But I haven't had a kitten since my teens -- too long ago. I'm not sure what their names are going to be, but I'm happy and sad all at the same time. I was talking to a friend of mine today. She has a dog, and her dog is having some nasal problems. I told her about Pismo's recurrent nasal/respiratory problems and how I thought it was the cancer giving some early signs. She said that she had just been reading the same on the web. Why didn't I know this earlier? Pismo started getting these nasal problems back in July.........It wasn't until January that he had the 4-inch diameter tumor. Had the cancer been growing all this time? I feel so bad. I feel even worse that my vet didn't notice or correlate these. I'm glad that I moved away when I did. At least the veternarian here found the cancer and gave me three glorious days with him. I'm so sorry, Pismo, if it had been the cancer all this time. I'm not going to beat up on myself. It's hard enough dealing with his loss. I miss you my Piggy boy..... Getting these kitties is just keeping mommy company. They needed some love too! I'm happy for the new life in my house. It doesn't seem so lonely. They are so spunky. I hope to have many wonderful happy and healthy years ahead. Just like I did with my little Pismo. Sad and happy - all at the same time............

Anne, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how it hurts and the pain doesn't go away. Just know that the pain lessens, although it takes time and a VERY lot of effort to heal. Whatever you do, please don't blame yourself. There is no way you could have known what was going to happen. It just doesn't seem fair that so many kitties live long and healthy lives and some get taken too early. The same thing happens with all living creatures. You and your kitty are in my thoughts.

DAY -12 Well, I'm glad that I have so many animal loving friends. They all seem to think that I did the right thing by putting him down. They say his quality of life was at a BIG ZERO......... So maybe I did the right thing.. Well, some people would say that any decision I made was the right decision because that's how the rest of my life is going to be. I can't do anything about my choice, so there's no reason to beat up on myself for it. I'm sure that this is the healing process that most everyone goes through. Are you going through the same kinds of thoughts? This website has be wonderful for me. I just basically do this as a journal, it relieves a lot of tension and build up emotions surrounding Pismo. I'm glad that it is here for me to do this. I would suggest this to everyone. It makes me feel a lot better afterwards. I sometimes feel as though I'm a manic depressive because of the way my emotions have been going. I'll be feeling great one day, happy and sure of all my decisions. Thinking I did all everything I could have done. Then, the next day, I'll be riddled with guilt, beating myself up. I'm the only one in control of my thoughts and my reactions to my thoughts -- no one else is. I can choose to react in any way. Sometimes just letting loose and letting all those emotions out is healthy. It's actually allowing me to slowly -- I mean very slowly -- get the grief out of my system. Looking forward to happier times ahead. It just takes time......(and I hate that answer!!!!).

Day 11- What a crappy day........I miss my boy! I had to drive by the vet's office that put him to sleep. I had a brief panic attack afterwards. The memories of his little head drifting down to the chair when they administered the Valium...........He was very peaceful just before they gave him the next drug. I don't even know what it was. I know that with all that Valium, he didn't care what happened next. I stepped out of the room, while a friend from work stayed with him. I couldn't bear to watch the rest. I wanted to make sure he looked peaceful, though, so I went in and took one last look. I shouldn't have done that. Those are my last memories. The very last one is of the doctor scooping him up in the towel and carrying him into the back. I HATE THAT PLACE!! All I could think about was that every time I had taken him in before, he always was feeling better afterwards.............I feel horrible that I put him down. The guilt is so strong. IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL SO GUILTY??? I know that I would feel much better if he had gone on his own......Was he in enough pain to take his life? I'm questioning everything I did. Pismo, you trusted me to take care of you and I took you to end your life. I feel like I deceived him. Pismo, I'm soooooooo sorry. If I had it to do over, I can't say that I would have done it again. I don't think I'm able to get over the guilt......I should have considered this before. If you are reading this, don't do what I did if at all possible. What I would have done differently is kept him on pain medication and made him comfortable until nature took over.....Hindsight is 20-20!!! THIS IS THE WORST DAY YET!!!!!!!!!!!! I KILLED MY CAT, AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE....... This part of life sucks!

DAY 10 - How come the days seem easy and the nighttime sucks! I guess that I'm busy at work, and then I have to come home to a house without Pismo. I HATE IT! Yesterday was the first day that I had really done anything constructive around the house. Chores had been piling up since he has been gone. No laundry, no dishes, no paying the bills, no nothing. Last night I made a promise that I would do something constructive. I did. I made that promise to myself tonight too, but now it's broken. I stayed out of the house until later. Now, I'm so tired I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm so grateful for work. It's a new job, so there is much to learn. My officemate is wonderful too! Don't know what I would do without him. I guess I am starting to see things a little brighter. Nothing seemed right before. Now, work is better. I'm starting to see the light........... I still feel guilty. I look at the picture of my little Pismo in his urn. It kills me to think that's all that's left.........ashes!!! I look like crap every morning because I've been crying every night...My eyes are kind of swollen and red. I just want to feel normal again. I guess I'm the only one that can do anything about it. I have to make the decision to have the thoughts of Pismo be happy and have them bring smiles instead of tears.. It's just a little change of thought....just a little change of my reaction to a thought. Sounds pretty easy. Doesn't it.... It should be. Just react a little different. Practice makes perfect. How about every time I think of my little Pismo, I smile. I hold back the tears, and I make every effort to smile. At some point, it's going to happen. Why can't I just decide to make it happen now instead of later. I would be much better off. Life would be easier............I guess that's part of the grieving process. The little things that seem like they should be easy, just aren't. I'm trying to be strong. Isn't it hard though? I know Pismo wouldn't want me feeling like this. Heck, I don't want me feeling like this. I guess I'm just waiting for ...................time! I wish there was a pill to take to alleviate this grief -- or at least put me to sleep until I could deal with it better. But I guess that's the easy way. I know by now that Life's not easy and neither is death! All I can do is hope that tomorrow is just a little easier.......... Goodnight, Pismo......I miss you!

DAY -9 Not a very tearful day.............until now. The guilt, though, is overwhelming. My motto is usually that things happen for the best......there's usually a shining star between all the doom and gloom......I'm searching for the bright side -- the optimistic....whatever the hell you call it.....The only way that I can justify my Pismo being gone is that for (1) I know that he had cancer. (2) I know that chemo wasn't working well with him. (3) I feel in my heart that he was much farther gone -- hmmm that makes me cry, a better way to say that, a better way so that it seems easier for me to take -- is that the cancer was much more advanced than the vet had anticipated. I know that I would have spent every last cent to keep him here. But, I guess the reason must have been that even if I would have spent every last dime, he still would not have gotten any better and would have suffered in the meantime. That's the only way that I can justify and reason why he had to go when he did......... No one wants to suffer -- no human, no animal! The look he gave to me that I had never seen before was his way of letting me know that it's time..........The suffering was too intense and it was time for me to let go...... I didn't think I was going to cry today. I thought I was just going to write a happy note, just to be able to show that some good days are coming. But everytime I make myself think about Pismo, it hurts....IT HURTS BAD! The pictures I keep looking at were taken in better times........times of health. When I look at those, it's hard to remember how sick he actually was. Pismo, you know I would have done anything!!! I went way out of my comfort zone with those subcutaneous fluid injections. I hated them just as much as you did. But I wanted you to hang on. I wish you did hang on. My life would be sooooo much easier right now. Isn't that selfish........ I know, Honey Boy, that you didn't like being under that bed hiding from all the pain. I'm soooooo sorry that it had to end this way. We all want to go out easy in our sleep AND I guess that's all that I could do for you. I love you Pismo. I still say good night to you every night. I walk over to the window every morning and see you staring out from behind the picture.... I still don't know what happens after death. I just hope that we are reunited when my time comes. I want to hold you and hear your purr again. I miss our morning rituals-------feeding and drinking out of the faucet... I miss playing hide and seek. I miss you sneaking up on me and tapping me with your paw. I miss your laziness when I called and you just couldn't make it all the way -- some times it seemed like you wanted to meet in the middle. Sometimes, I even miss your fur on my clothes. Jenn misses you too! She said that it's hard for her. Pismo, you touched us all......... IT SUCKS WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 8 (Sunday evening) It's been three days since I last wrote. It seems that I only write when I'm having trouble dealing with the loss of Pismo. Today's a bad one. I was okay until I looked at the pictures I had taken of him in the vet's office minutes before he was gone. I thought things were getting easier. The thoughts of Pismo brought smiles instead of tears for the past couple of days, but today is another tearful day. I guess that I had been avoiding...... I was feeling very guilty that it had only been a week and I seemed to be getting over Pismo being gone. No tears during the day. I was even brave enough to finally tell some coworkers that he had to be put down. The last they heard, he was getting chemo. They were shocked.....I only got a little misty-eyed at their reactions. I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GETTING EASIER.....not really. A friend came over to take apart the urn to add his picture -- damn urn manufacturers, they made it so that you have to take the ashes out to put a picture in the front...... I can't handle seeing Pismo that way. Why couldn't they just have designed it easier so that you could add a picture in the front without removing the ashes -- Maybe that's an idea for a new product??? Back to the pictures -- I shouldn't have looked at the pictures on my phone. That's what made me lose it. I'm feeling so guilty for putting him down. I can't believe I did that. It goes against my belief to kill.... Yes, I did have my Pismo killed....THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!! I could have kept him around on pain medication. Would I have wanted that for myself? Probably not.. But I'm able to make my own deicsions; Pismo was not. What if he would have wanted just to be by my side for just a little longer. There's no way of knowing for sure. And that's hard to live with. THE GUILT -- IT'S REALLY KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't taken a bath since Pismo's been gone. He always laid down on the rug next to the tub......ALWAYS!!! I can't take a bath without my Pismo. I guess that when I'm able to take a bath, that will be a sign that I'm okay with Pismo passing. I know that death is a part of life -- the end of it -- but it's not something that I want to deal with. I guess that I can look at it this way.......that I'm better off having known the special kitty that he was. He touched my life in many ways and enhanced it in so many ways too. I don't know if I would even be the same person right now if Pismo had not been in my life. We were meant to meet... I lost Pismo on the exact same day, one year later, that a dear family friend passed away from cancer. Marie, are you taking good care of my Pismo???? I loved you both. I'm glad just to have known you guys. I think of both of you guys often. Until we meet again..........

DAY 5 - I picked up Pismo's ashes today. It's kind of creepy knowing that my cat is not my cat anymore. The thought of burying him and then moving away, made me sad. So, Pismo's in a picture urn. I have a head-shot picture of him that goes inside the urn -- it looks more like a picture frame -- so that's why I got this one. I have his urn by a window, so it reminds me of him looking outside -- one of his favorite things to do. Pismo, I truly miss you.................but I know that you are in a less painful place. I don't know what happens after death, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to hold you again and go nite-nite with you under the covers. Sleep with Bunny until we're together again.................. It's not any easier, it's just that the tears don't always come with the thoughts as much......

DAY -4 I thought I would chart my feelings, just to show myself that my thoughts are in a better place as the days go by. Thought of dear Pismo a lot today, but today was the first day -- only the day -- that I did not shed a tear. It wasn't until I got home that the tears started again. That's a little progress. I want to get to the point where I think of Pismo and I just smile and laugh at all the fond memories that we had. Tomorrow I pick up his ashes. I've been putting this off since Sunday. He had been cremated the very next day.....I couldn't bear to think of him that way. I still can't. Cremation is a hard one for me. I couldn't bear to see him again -- not after having put him down. I could have buried him, but we just moved here. It's not his home and what happens when I move? I just wanted to be able to take him with me instead of leaving him. I never want to leave him. Pismo, you meant so very much in my life. I have your picture on the desk. It's the look that I remember. I miss you!!!!! I'm very sorry that you had to go through everything that you did. Mommie just couldn't help any more