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mrspapajohn

Contributor
  • Posts

    175
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About mrspapajohn

  • Birthday 06/19/1952

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    01/06/09
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    hospice of the valley pheonix

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    kpapajohn@cox.net

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Phoenix
  • Interests
    Animal Welfare, Writing (novels, short stories), Card Games
  1. Most of you won't remember me. I haven't been on this site in over a year. The grief, not mine, but everyone else's, was too much for me to take. I was going through a very bad time when the second anniversary of Stephen's death came along. My beloved husband died, after a very wonderful thirty year marriage, at home, in his bed and in my arms. Like most of you, I had to remind myself to breathe, and I believe that I cried continuously, 24X7 for months and months. There were only two things that helped at all: 1. I came here and sometimes posted, but mostly just read amid this sea of grief. We kept each other going, and it seems that it still works that way. 2. I read a post by Margo Mayhew (www.boomayhew.blogspot.com) Margo's husband died the exact day that Stephen did, and I marveled that she could put into words EXACTLY what I was feeling. I didn't know where her strength to write about the horrible details of it all came from. I still don't know how she is still doing it. But, her personal strength kept me going. I remember her words, she figured that anything her husband, Cliff, "fought so hard to keep, must be worth fighting for." So she stayed alive, kept me alive, and continues to fight. My husband, Stephen, was very ill for three years before he died. In order to get up every day, he decided that we needed a purpose, and that was that we should write. I was not brave enough to write about was really going on, so we wrote fiction. We wrote about a future when genetic scientists had created a world where no one ever died. As we neared finishing the first novel, superstitiously, I could not bring myself to write the words, "The End," so I got Stephen to start another story. By the time he died, we had five novels in various stages of completion sitting in our computer. After Stephen died, it took almost a year before I could even look at what we had written. But his sister gave me a good kick in the butt, and I finally finished one of the novels, MALIGNED. It was picked up by The Martin Sister's Publishing and is now available on Amazon.com and in E-book formats. (One down, four to go). My own site is www.kathleenpapajohn.com. I have posted the first chapters of a couple of other books we started there, too. I hope you'll give MALIGNED a read, or tell someone who likes a dystopian novel with a lot of thrills, action and a little romance thrown in. God bless everyone on this site and in this very sad club that no one chooses to join.. My heart goes out to you all. Kathleen Papajohn, Stephen's widow
  2. Kim - - I believe that many of us, if not most or all of us, have a very tough time getting through our anniversaries without our loves beside us. At least, I know I do. Tomorrow, you will be in my thoughts and in my heart. I am praying that you will have some happy memories to sustain you and that you find peace and comfort from the good memories. As ever, your friend. Kathy
  3. Mo - - Here are a couple of websites about "Camp Widow/er." Boo and I have already signed up and I would be so happy if you decide to go. This has given me something to look forward to. This year's seminar is August 6-8, 2010. www.sslf.org/camp_registration.html https://resweb.passkey.com/Resweb.do?mode=welcome_ei_new&eventID=2492985 If you have any trouble, feel free to contact me and I can e-mail the information to you. Kathy
  4. Mo - - I believe that I have the details of the seminar somewhere on this PC (I am so disorganized). I will try to find them and then post them. Personally, I can't wait to meet as many of our group as possible. Kathy
  5. Boo - - Of course you are often in my thoughts. Your posts and blog got me through some very bad times - - times that I did not think that I could survive. I am still looking forward to meeting you in person at the widow/widowers seminar this August in San Diego, and then getting to show off Phoenix to you. Please take care. My thoughts are with you and with Cliff. As ever, Kathy
  6. Oh, Nats - - I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Those first few months are so hard. Like you, I cried every day. Some days, I just could not stop the tears. My eyes were swollen all the time and my nose was raw. I must admit, I still cry often (even after a year since my Stephen has been gone) and sometimes, the loneliness is overwhelming. But something is different than those first horror-filled months. Now, I am coping better. When someone asks how I'm doing, I can actually say, "Fine. How are you?" even though I'm not fine and all I can think of is "he's gone, he's gone." But I am functioning. Once in a while I even laugh, something that was impossible in the early days. I am trying to develop other interests. I am retired (just this year), so I don't have work to fill my days, but I take a lot of walks, try to write a little (very amateurish novels), read a lot, play online poker (fun money - not real) and as soon as my bad rotator cuff heals, I plan to volunteer at a consumer protection and resolution group here in Phoenix. This making a "new" reality is not for the feint of heart. But one thing that I have learned is that I'm much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I realize that the missing part and loneliness is still there, but the pain, both mental and physical, has decreased. I am no longer what I always considered to be a "basket case." Even when people told me that it would get easier, I could not see how it was possible that they could be right. But they were. It does become easier - - first it becomes bearable, then easier follows. I wish you comfort and peace - - two things that are hard to come by, but will slowly reenter your life. You are in my thoughts. Kathy
  7. Nats - - I am so, so sorry for your loss of your dear wife. I lost my husband, Stephen, after a three year illness where, like you, I was his xhief caregiver. After a loss this great, we feel raw, like someone took away our skin. Everyone reacts differently. Sometimes we even think that our reactions are crazy. They're not. Scream, cry, sit silently, need to be alone, need people - - anything and everything is o.k. if it takes away a little of the searing pain. Just remember, you must take care of yourself. Our loved ones fought so hard for life because it is previous. It is a tribute to them to take care of ourselves. Eat, breathe, try to sleep (almost impossible for me). I don't know if you had hospice, but they have counselors and groups that may help. Personally, I could not have survived without this site. Everyone on it feels like family. You will find nothing here but love and support from people who get it because they have been there. My best to you and I know you will find strength that you never knew you had. Kathy
  8. My Dear Teny - - I have been reading your posts from far away ever since I joined this site almost 13 months ago. I am so sorry for your hard times and your continued sorrow over Yani, but I believe it is normal after spending so much time and so much love on someone whom you expected to spend the rest of your life with. The love does never die and I believe that we will always carry our loved ones with us in our hearts. I am thinking of you, my far away friend, and sending you ((hugs)). Take care. I am with you in spirit. Kathy
  9. Wendy - - I hope you make it through this anniversary o.k. Today is the 13th month anniversary since I lost Stephen and I believe that each of these anniversaries take away a little more of our soul. You will be in my thoughts. Kathy
  10. Lucia - - I am so glad that you made it through the anniversary of Ben's death. That one year mark was one of the hardest for me to bear, even though every day is hard. I think it's wonderful that you are going to go to Georgia temporarily to see if you like it. I thought long and hard about moving to Ft. Worth to be near Stephen's family, but finally decided to stay here. Our loves will be in our hearts no matter where we are. I wish you the very best. Just remember to take care of yourself. Kathy
  11. Gary - My husband, Stephen, died after a liver transplant just a little over a year ago. Although I get through most days o.k., like you, that black hole is never far away. I still cry often (when alone), but still remember how terribly, terribly difficult those first months were. Time certainly does not heal all wounds, but we do get stronger. In fact, it is amazing to find personal strength that you never knew was there. Peace. I will be thinking of you. Kathy
  12. Sharon - - Birthdays are so hard. I wish I knew something that I could say to make it easier. I also don't know what to say about a friend who remembers your birthday but not the date (at least year) of the single greatest loss of your life. Susie Q's response makes so much sense to me. Maybe it is a test of your feelings for your friend. If it is a test, I'm not sure if I could pass it. I hope you make it through today by finding some little bit of peace, maybe even a happy memory. I will be thinking of you. Kathy
  13. Kat - - I am so sorry that you had to go through returning to the emergency room with someone you love. It must have been very painful for you. The strength that we find that we have is amazing. It is such good news that she will be o.k. You will be in my prayers as will your mother. Kathy
  14. Marsha - - My best wishes to you today. Kathy
  15. Sue -- Please accept my sincere sympathy for your loss of Dale. I believe that one thing you will learn if you continue on this site (and I hope you do; I believe it saved my life) is that there is no "normal" way to grieve. Anything is permissable no matter how "crazy" it may seem at the time. Another thing is that grief has no timetable. It comes and goes on its own schedule. And there are always setbacks. Just when we think we are doing better, we hear a song, or smell a familiar smell, or just a random thought pops in just to torture us a little more and off we go. I believe that you will find the people here "get it" when even many of your dearest friends and relatives don't. We have all walked in your shoes and continue to do so. It is a very long journey, maybe a lifetime. I hope that you will continue to post and to let us know how you are doing. Feel free to vent, rant, rave or even offer support to some one else. You will find nothing here but love and support. Peace Kathy
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