InNeedOfAnAngel

i find myself faking it sometimes and i hate that but i do it cuz i just don't want to talk about it, so i figure if i say i'm ok then it doesn't get brought up. those people really are the untouched. they have no idea, no clue, not even a pinch. i always get the question "how you doing?" from people with the look of total pity and its like ok seriously do you really want to know or just want me to say something. cuz really i could go on and on about how i'm doing and they wouldn't care. but i'm sick of the question. i also can't stand being asked what i'm doing with my mom's house. people its mine now i'm an adult i'll do as i please but just leave it alone. yes i'm 22 and live with my grandma but she's alone and just enjoys company and someone else to cook for and she has bad shoulders, knees, hips, and now back problems. i'm here to help her out. plus she loves doing laundry, and that's fine with me. well sorry to vent a ton but my boss is stressing me out and so is school.

thanks for the replies. and obviously these people who assume that we need to just move and be all better and not be sad about losing someone has never lost someone as close as we have or just never grieved when they did. i have to say after losing my grandpa, aunt, and great uncle in less then a year and then losing my mom and grandma in 3 months of each other and my other great uncle and his sister my great aunt with in 2 weeks of each other and now watching a friend of mine go thru losing her mom in november and her dad this past week, we as humans will never ever be the same after losing our loved ones. i'm a very talkative person and always went to visit my great uncles and aunts more then they ever saw some of their own kids or grandkids. i loved them all and wanted to very close to them and loved hearing there stories from when they were kids. but there will never be a day in my life that i will not miss a single one of them even including my great grandparents and my grandpa who i barely knew losing them when i was so little.

i know its been forever since i posted but i got into a conversation with a friend who lost her sister not that long ago. she asked me if i every just wait for the day that i won't miss my mom anymore. truly i believe that that day will never come cuz i'm always gonna miss her to no end. she was everything to me and the one who raised me and taught me all i know and all that i am. i keep wondering where the time has gone cuz i feel like i've missed out on about 5 years of my life. i felt like i went from 21 to 26 in the matter of days. i just want to be a little girl again where nothing but scraped knees and bumps and scratches were painful. back when life was easier and nothing seemed to matter all that much. now i feel like the world wants me to forget my mom cuz its been over a year but HELL NO I WILL NOT! where does anyone get the idea that just cuz its been a year that everything should be back to normal and i should be able to function like a normal person. yeah *&$#!@% right. I'M ONLY HUMAN! Stace

it's one year today that my mom went into the hospital after after a massive stroke. and tomorrow i turn 22. all this feels like it just happened yesterday. i can't tell you in exact order of everything that went on last year at this time but i remember it so clearly. gonna be a tough rest of the month.

i know that i've been taking an anti-depressant and it so has helped with my concentration and attention. i ran out a few days ago and it is showing pretty significantly that it was helping me lots. my doctor told me the best you can do is try it out and if its not for you then its not. i felt extremely weird like i was kind of giving up and taking something for it but it has helped and i feel better. i have had no side effects. you just got to sit down with your doctor and have them give you the 411 on what would be the best one for you. my doc told me ya know try it for about a month and if you see no difference or feel weird on it then stop. i remember i had a headache for the first few days but she said that was normal cuz your body is trying to adjust to something new. i guess i would recommended talking to your doctor and maybe trying it to see. i agree with you derek that's about how i feel with it. it just seems to allow me to be alittle bit more controlling over my feelings and i can let them out when i need to, most of the time.

Thank you so much Rachel for such inspiring words. i changed my major and that has helped so much to have this unbelievably stressful feeling of one major off of me. i can see a light at the end of the tunnel and it feels good. i don't know how to tell my teachers that i'm just not me anymore. whenever i try i get this feeling from them that i should over it by now. it's been almost year and i should have moved on by now. i haven't it and i think it's gonna be awhile before i do. i just wish that everything was so much simpler. sorry to hear of your losses rachel.

it'll be 1 year next month that i lost my dear mom. i see it being a very rough month of lots of memories. we just gotta think of the good times we had with them.

I don't know why this is happening to me but i feel as if i'm going through a quarter life crisis. i'm disliking school and not enjoying my major anymore. everything reminds me of my mom. i'm overly emotional lately, don't know why. ok well i know it was a year on the 23 of february that my mom came to school to help me with my projects for the weekend and on the 24 of february she was proposed to. and coming up here in april will be 1 year and my birthday. i almost want to just skip over april, may, and june and go straight to july. those three months have to much that are gonna make things seem like a downward spiral. lately i've felt like a little child just needing her mommy to comfort her and she's not around to do so. i also feel as if i skipped a stage in life. like i went from being a college student to an adult in the matter of a blink of the eye. i know i'm still a college student but i'm a completely different college student then i was a year ago from now. i skipped something in there. well just trying to put my thoughts down. Stacey

i feel the same way when i see girls with their mom's. it just kills me to see that and they are so happy and here i am almost 22 totally depressed and mad that i don't have my mommy.

Courtney, i lost my mom last year suddenly too, to a massive stroke. i had just turned 21. i was forced into taking care of everything for my mom cuz i was an only child. my parents were divorced and it was only my mom and i for about 13 years. i always had contact with my dad and he came to visit but it was never a real father daughter relationship, he just was a father when he felt like being one. now he's forced to help me financially with schooling and what not. he has no clue what to do. I kind of know what your going through and it's tough and absolutely no fun at all. but you do need to make time for yourself. i now at almost 22 own a house, 1.23 acres, 2 cars, and a lot of home furnishings. never thought i'd have all of this quite this early in life. i know school is going to be super difficult for you to finish but just try to buck through it and do the best you can to get through it and finish.

I thought of you Chai when I read this. You know a daughter's promise to her dad.

that's gorgeous Chai. that even speaks to me with my mom too.

I didn't write it I found it online. I use this tool called Stumble Upon on Firefox and it allows you to choose an assortment of things you like and then you just click a button on your browser tool bar and it pulls up websites it thinks you may like. then you can mark them as a favorite under 'i like it' or mark it as 'i don't like it' and it slowly kind of figures out what you like. i will say it is an addicting thing. but anyways the other day i was stumbling as i normally do when i'm unwilling to concentrate on anything and don't feel like thinking and this popped up and i thought it was just awesome and seemed like something my mom would send me in an email.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

nicole, i'm close to your age at 21 and i lost my mom last april and had a hard time with it. i'm here for ya to talk to.