Hans

Hey man, I lost my mom almost two years ago, I don't post much stuff but I will take the time to say things to people when I'm compelled. I'm sorry for your loss, reach out to those you love, and find a minute of every day to do something for others. I have found peace through thinking of others, instead of pitying myself. I appreciate that losing someone is so hard, and in the moment you think "How can I exist feeling this way". Really, life is hard and losing people whether they are dead or alive is excruciating, however, I do know that if I can put my mother's death in perspective then you can do it too. Take Care, and I wish that my message rings true, and also helps you move forward in some way. Hans

His Susan, It was my mom's 1 year death anniversary the other day as well. I have had numerous dreams about her and I wake up sad. Honestly, I am beginning to think that you never get over the death of a parent because they played such an important role throughout your own life. When you were a baby, your parents held you close and gave you so much affection. There is no replacement for the loss of that unconditional primal type of love. The blood connection creates a love so strong from your parents that you feel an underlying satisfaction from a relationship that survives even through difficult times. There are so many of us out there who wish we could pick up the phone and call the people we love, but we can't anymore. That is just a lesson to get the most out of the relationships that currently exist in your life and to cherish your mother even though she is dating again. I can't blame her. She probably misses the companionship your father provided and this is her way of getting through an excruciating time.

Elizabeth, I'm sorry you lost your mom. My mom died July 4th last year and I understand the feelings you have on all fronts. Grief is a drag and I struggle with it in a variety of ways even now. Your father is grieving in his own way too. It sucks to be alone and so it is not surprising he would like to spend time with someone. After all, life is too short as you both have found out. I don't have the magic words or advice for you, but I know it is comforting to hear from others who have experienced loss. Take care.

Hi Sally, I do know what you are talking about. I lost my mom July 4th and she was 57 years old. I was not there when she died because I had just spent over a week by her side and she was improving so I had to get my family back home, etc. The last couple of days before she died I could not get a hold of her to talk with her. She would not pick up the phone at the Nursing home. She had a lot of her family around her so that is good, but only one person was there when she died and because she wasn't immediate family they kicked her best friend out of the room as my mom passed. I think I was trained by the movies or something that there would be this final moment of communication with her that I could hold on to forever, but this isn't the movies. The last thing we said to each other though was "I love you". I am so sorry for you to have lost both your parents. Please take care of yourself and your relationships that you still have. I think this site is great because it lets me know that other people go through the same things as me and vice versa. Every loss we suffer is its own island. You can't compare it to your father's passing. Take care.

Fiona, Yes, everyone's relationships change. I don't know how good your husband is at understanding your pain, but you need to let him know how you are feeling day to day so that he can understand how to interact with you. I think you are doing a good job, at least you are trying to figure things out. I know I am becoming a much stronger person as I work through each day. My mom meant alot to me in the same ways yours did to you. I think because you weren't around her every day you are taking a lot longer to realize the impact of her absence. I think that is normal. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself which is not good. Please take time for yourself and start thinking of the good things about your relationships and realize you are not alone in grief. We are all going through it in our different ways and it is beating down everyone from time to time. Keep living through each moment and you will do better and better.

I am in the exact spot as you. Read my story in the lost a parent section. It has been four months since my mom's death and things are far from OK. I have two kids, my own business, and I too am exhausted. But I'm feeling better, but it has been with some help. If you are interested, email me and we can discuss how you are handling things and how I'm doing it. Maybe we can be a positive help for one another. It is tough to have to be the strong one, and try to deal with your grief at the same time.

DeftSound, Ok, I know you don't want sympathy but you deserve to give yourself some. We all feel loss at different levels and we process loss in different ways. You are quite pissed off, and you have a right to be. I hope you are going easy on the dope because while it might feel like a good thing to do, it isn't. Based on the nice reply you wrote my posting, I can say that you are very strong and just need to find your way. It takes time, and the fact that you are getting good grades is very positive. That college degree is important, make it a priority even when everything else feels like crumbling around you. Since you are a Christian, I can say that I'm Catholic but I don't have much use for church. However, I am reading "Letting go of the person you used to be", by Lama Surya Das. It is a book on Buddhism and dealing with the suffering in this world. It has helped me change my perspective on loss and grief. You should read it and let me know what you think. I think it will give you some hope on how to go about your life from here.

Dear T, Sorry about your grandmother. I am also in therapy and many times you will find things out through this whole process that will make you a stronger person. I think this learning is a big part of life and everybody talks about grief and theorizes about this and that but the reality is that it is very personal for each person. You have to walk that path yourself. Even so, that doesn't mean you can't reach out to people for a break along the way. I think grief is just bizarre. I have never felt numb like this before and I try to snap out of my bad moods little by little. I find that talking with other people about their losses not only helps me understand that death is just a part of life, but usually that other person feels touched that someone else would be interested in them that I feel good connecting and contributing in that way. Don't feel guilty about your sadness, I'm glad you had such a great relationship with your grandmother that you would miss her this much. Hans

Hi Spencer, I am 33 and my Mom died 3 months ago. I like the advice Marty gave you about honoring your mother by the way that you live. If she was like my mom, she would want you to do good things for people and do your best at everything you do. Trust me, you can't control much else in life! Don't feel down about yourself, the pain and hurt and negative feelings you have are perfectly normal. I haven't gotten over the sadness and pain associated with my Mom's death, although talking about it and thinking about her help very much. Please understand that you are not alone in losing your Mom. It is sad that you have to learn this at such a young age, but these things happen to everyone at some time or another. It is a part of life. Your job right now at your age is to be a kid and have some fun, and if you want to be sad about your Mom I think it is OK to take all the time you need. Hans

About 14 year ago, my Aunt Betty lost her son Scot in a single car accident. He was 26 and the beacon of the family. His death rocked our family. Today, Scot's brother (my cousin) Craig and I are best friends, just like brothers and we would both do anything for one another. Had this tragedy not occurred, Craig and I would not have developed our friendship the way we have. Of course, I would have Scot back in a minute but this relationship I cherish as I cherish looking at my little son, or like the love I share with my wife. So I am forever grateful for the opportunity to develop my relationship with Craig. My Aunt Betty went through a couple years of depression medication and a lot of therapy and then put her life together. When my mother died recently, it brought back those feelings to Aunt Betty of losing Scot. She said that everyone when the time is right has to make a decision to be there for the other people that love and need them. She could have just laid down and given up, and I think she did just that many times as she moved forward in her progress. Her love for her other children and her husband saw her through a horrible time. She will never be the same, but she is OK and gets a lot of joy from the other positive milestones that have occurred since then: Graduations, Baptisms, Grandchildren. I now know that life is for certain a double edged sword and only our minds can keep us on the dull side.

I have been struggling over how to write about the death of my mom for a few days since I discovered this site. She died from complications related to CREST disease which is an autoimmune disease that delivers a lifetime of chronic pain and other health problems. One of those diseases no one knows about, so the treatments are not very helpful. I live in Salt Lake and she lived in Pueblo Colorado so we saw each other every few months, but we talked almost everyday. Thankfully, she had many family members in Pueblo to look after her as she became unable to take care of herself. Over the last year, mom was too immobilized to go to my wedding last October, or be with us when my wife had my mom's first grandchild in April, or for my sister's wedding in early June. Each time she would gear up to get healthy and come to my wedding, etc. Each time she would have a setback and be very sad not to see these milestones that every parent wants to see. I visited her in the hospital for an entire week just about three weeks before she died. It was to let her see her grandson for the first time. She did and she was so happy. Because I am the only one making money right now we had to head out so I could get back to work. Her health was improving and no one but me expected her to die soon. I could see that she was tired of the pain and that for her to get healthy to leave the nursing home would be too much to handle. About five days before her death she never really picked up her room phone when I called and then she fell in the morning trying to use the bathroom and died of internal bleeding that afternoon. Now three months down the road I am angry at the world for every little thing and I have started therapy which is bringing to surface things about myself I don't like and am having issues dealing with. I am depressed everyday, and dealing with an infant and a stepson has been extremely exhausting and frustrating. I remember a time when I was happy and I want those times back. I feel like I'm falling apart. Not doing enough to support my family. Not treating them like I should. I feel very little hope in my life. I am in the "what's the point?" mode. I was still in shock over Mom's death until about 2 months after she passed. I woke up one day and thought, Oh my God I have lost my biggest fan. The one person in my life who asked for nothing and gave everything. The person who helped me become the man I am even when I would doubt myself. I want her back, but she is not coming back and this makes no sense to me. How could she be dead. Every since that day I haven't been myself and have no idea who I am or how to manage this invisible pain.

Michelle, I understand your grief as I'm sure everyone who is part of this discussion group does. My mother passed July 4th this year from a protracted illness. Her death was unexpected and I wasn't there when she died. I'm no expert on dealing with death. I'm barely functional with a new family, new job, and an infant to support. I will say that you don't do grief, grief does you. Wake up everyday with low expectations and accomplish one thing you can be proud of and be content with that. Remember, as much as you think you are yourself right now and as much as you feel in control, you are not. My thoughts are with you.