Jei5878a

I'm looking for advice from all you "grief veterans" out there. People have been telling me that grief never really goes away, and that honestly scares me to death. I wish very much that I don't feel like this forever; but now people have got me worried that I'll never live a "normal" life again. After losing my mom at 19, I know things will never be exactly the same (how could they?) but I need hope that one day I will enjoy and find purpose in life again. If things are always to remain this way; then what is even the point of trying to heal? I guess I am just confused. I know I will always miss my mother; and some part of me will always want her back, but at the same time I would also like to "graduate" from this grieving process and move forward in my life. My grief counselor told me grief is something that never leaves you completely--there is no 12 step program and then *poof* you're healed. I find this very discouraging.....I would like to leave all the hurt behind and not be hindered by it. Is that possible?

I know what you mean about watching her be in pain. Right after my mom died I was relieved because it was easier for her to just not be here than it was to watch her suffer like she did. I definitely was in denial that my mom was gone; it was like she was just at a meeting or on a trip or something. I felt like I had to be strong-and to me my idea of strong was not feeling any pain; so I would just shove it down into the pit of my stomach and not think about it anymore. Like I said, that worked really really well for almost five months. Than last month I turned 20 and got engaged; both huge life changing moments. That's when I finally "woke up" and realized she was gone. It totally turned my life upside down. I started having panic attacks, I couldn't eat, and it got to the point where I was in a constant state of anxiety. I had to quit my job and I couldn't even drive. It was terrible. My doctor put me on Lexapro, which treats both depression and anxiety. He also gave me clorazepam, which is an anti-axiety medication to use until the lexapro takes full effect (usually 4-6 weeks) It's only been two weeks so far, but I've seen tremendous changes already. I started feeling better after the first week; and now I am starting to feel like myself again. I don't have any side effects really, and the ones I do have are so mild they don't even bother me. You are so early in the grief process, are you sure medication is the way you want to go? I've heard that taking meds early on can take the edge off of the grief, but it just numbs you so you don't actually work through the pain. Maybe the side effects you think you are experiencing are just side effects of grief? I know personally that I constantly have a headache and a stomach ache; just from the grieving process. Anyway, I'm not trying to judge you or anything like that, and I don't know your circumstances or anything, I guess I'm just thinking out loud here. But lexapro has been a miracle for me, you might want to ask your doctor about it.

Hi Carissa, My story is a lot like yours. My mom battled cancer for two years, and even though she was "terminal" she had this amazing will to live--I often forgot she was even sick. I guess some how that made me feel like she wasn't really going to die. Every time she had to go into the hospital I knew she would come back out. She had colon cancer that spread everywhere, but liver failure is what finally took her. She too was on hospice care, and died at home with me right beside her. She was in a coma, with her eyes half open but you knew she wasn't really there. Then she just, stopped breathing, no gasping, no nothing. As ironic as it may sound, it's good that you are grieving. My mom died last October, and I have just in the past few weeks started to mourn her death. I just would take all the painful thoughts and push them away. I ended up having an emotional breakdown and I'm on depression medication now. Please don't file away your grief like I did. The only way to get through grief is to grieve. There are no short-cuts. I've found that writing in a journal helps, and I also meet with a grief counselor. The hospital system where I live offers grief counseling free of charge to people who have lost loved ones to cancer. You could look into something like that in your city. Coming here has also helped. It's nice to know that you aren't the only one going through tough times. As for the insomnia, just remember that it will eventually pass. Go easy on yourself, cut back on extra activities if you have to. The most important thing is to just sit and feel. Feel every emotion that passes through your body. Even the ones that are uncomfortable. This will get easier.

E, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can't tell you enough how much of a relief it is to hear from someone who has gone through something very similar to me and "is on the other side of it all". I still cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, so it's nice to know that I will get through this, just like you did. ~Jamie

I lost my mom 5 months ago and I am just now coming out of the shock period--all this grief just came out of nowhere and hit me right in the face. I'm having panic attacks, I can't drive, I can't eat (I've lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks) I can barely leave the house, and I just don't find happiness in anything anymore. I got engaged yesterday, (On my 20th birthday) to the person I love most in this world and it's like I don't even care. I went to see my doctor today who diagnosed me as having both depression and anxiety. He put me on lexapro, but it takes about a week to start feeling any changes. In the mean time he gave me clorazepam, which basically just knocks you out for hours at a time, but at this point, sleeping in nice because it gives me a chance to escape the pain. I'm just worried about the side effects, and how people on anti-depressants sometimes have thoughts of suicide. I'm a strong believer in Christ, so I don't think I would ever try and kill myself, but I just have myself worried that I might not be able to stop myself, you know? I've never had suicidal thoughts, so I guess I'm just scared I'll become this totally different person and unable to control myself. I just feel like I'm giving up. I feel angry at myself for not being able to handle this on my own. The rest of my family seems to be coping well, and I was doing well (or so I thought) up until a few weeks ago. I feel so weak to have to ask for help from the doctors, and to have to take medicine for this grief when almost everyone else in the world is able to cope on their own. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Anyway, I'll let y'all know in a week if it's getting any better.

I feel like we are in exactly the same boat. In fact, I just took off from my job this morning. I also have been considering anti-depressants, but I'm worried about the side effects and I really hate the idea of being medicated just to escape the pain. Although I don't have any words of wisdom for you, all I can say is that I'm going through the same thing right now; being okay one day, not able to leave the house the next. I'm looking forward to what other people have to say, because I think it will help me too. We're all going to be okay, JEI

I'm so glad I found this forum, there aren't any support groups in my area to reach out to. Anyway, my mom passed away from colon cancer on October 30th of last year. She died at home and the last few days were excruciating to watch. I'm 19, and the oldest of 6 kids. In the end it got so bad that my dad and I were the only ones who could stand to take care of her and watch her suffer like she did. After she died, I just felt so relieved. Although I missed her, it was so much easier for her to just be gone than it was to sit there and watch her be in pain. Of course, I cried at the funeral, but after that I didn't really feel any emotion towards the death at all. I had known for two years that she was going to die, and I had expected it. Sometimes I would feel grief coming on, but it wasn't the right time or place to deal with it, so I would push it down and not deal with it. It's hard to comfort a five year old little brother when you're a sobbing mess yourself. It's been five months now, and I though I was doing just fine. But last week everything changed overnight. I started having the same symptoms my mom had while she was sick; vomiting, diarrhea, no appetite, fatigue, ect. Then I started having panic attacks and living in a constant state of anxiety. I seriously thought I was either dying or going crazy. I lost interest in everything, couldn't sleep, and cried over nothing. I went to the doctor and he ran all kinds of test, they all came back saying I am perfectly healthy. He prescribed a medicine to take the edge off my anxiety, but all it does it knock me out for several hours. I'm missing classes, work, everything. Last week I was totally normal, and now I'm a complete mess. Does anyone know what's wrong with me? I just feel like I should already be way past this part of the grieving process, not just now starting it.