Pandorasbox

Thank you, Lori, the thought is greatly appreciated, and I hope your dad enjoyed all the extra big hugs today! I've felt pretty empty, today. Yesterday I was on the verge of crying all day, and just couldn't wait for the day to be over. Today I'm sad, I miss my dad. I wish I could give him a huge hug, tell him how much I love him, and never let go. I thought about going to the cemetery, but I knew that would be too much. Maybe next weekend. June has been so hard. What was to be my parents' 50th anniversary was on the 10th. My mom went out of town, and spent time with lots of family around, to get through it. It helped, from what I understand, but she's still going to have to face it, once she's back home again, and that day is today. I'm glad to have her home, I've missed having her around, as her presence helps me feel closer to my dad's presence. My dad died on February 12th, 2006, this is my first Father's Day, without him, and I miss him so very, very, much. I also feel guilty. Last year I told him that I owed him a meal, as a raincheck Father's Day gift, and I never did make it for him, and now I'll never be able to. Hugs to all of you who are suffering the same pain that I am today. Pandora

Penny, I am so, so, very sorry to hear of your loss, and the circumstances surrounding it. While it was my father's death(sudden heart attack), in February, that brought me here (and I have been absent, or on lurk mode, for quite some time now), I can completely empathize with you, over what you're going through, as far as the criminal side of this, and the pain that you are suffering over the pain that your mother suffered, as well as the grief of the loss. In the few posts I posted earlier in the year, I made mention of the fact that we were already dealing with a horrendous crime having occurred to my family, before my dad's death, and we're still in the thick of the whole thing now. In fact, the process is worse now, without my dad, as he was my rock through the whole mess, and he was pretty much the sole caretaker for my youngest son(other than his preschool teachers, and me and my fiance), throughout all of the interviews, and such. My youngest is 4, and mentally retarded, and Grandpa wasn't just his caretaker, he was also his best friend, and I honestly believe that he was my dad's best friend, too, at least for the last year of my dad's life. So now here we are, a bit further along in the justice process, but in even more pain. I'm not going to share the details of the crime, but it was horrific, and the guilty party is also a family member. It's been almost a year since the crime was discovered, and we're still waiting for either a satisfactory plea bargain, or a trial. We went through months of investigations, where the person was living free, and not even aware that he was being investigated. It felt like he would never be arrested. We are still angry at how long it took for that to happen. We've been through the preliminary hearing, and that was such an excruciating experience, and now, most likely, we'll be heading to a trial. It could start as soon as next month. It's just awful, and the pain I feel, for the pain that he inflicted on the victims is heart-wrenching. Add my dad's death to that, and it's just insane. I've had to have major dental work done, both before, and after my dad's death, not for decay, but for damage to my teeth, due to stress related clenching, and grinding. I have lost so much weight, and go through on and off again periods of time where I have an appetite (right now I have one - one small blessing ), and my entire life is just a swirling mess in my head. Keep on doing what you can, in order to have justice served. I know how hard it is. I know how painful it is, but I also know how incredibly important it is, too. It is my hope that something happens soon to lead the investigation towards an arrest. The waiting, and not knowing is so hard, and frustrating, and I feel so bad for what you're going through, as I know it, all too well. I miss my dad, so much, and am in so much pain over all of this stuff, so please know that you're not alone. I'm sorry that we both have to go through this, but it is at least comforting to know that there are others who understand. I hope you feel that way, too. Also, feel free to PM me any time, if you'd like to talk more one on one. I don't believe in the phrase, "God won't give you more than you can handle", anymore. It's a nice thought, but it's not realistic. Just keep taking one step and a time, and DO NOT forget to take care of YOURSELF! Huge hugs to you , Pandora

Thank you, Shell. I really hope that my dad will be alongside me, through all of this court stuff, but as you know, it's just not the same. I want/need him HERE, physically. Today is one of "those" days, and it's only 10am here. I woke up crying, and feel like I can barely move. The time when my husband gets home from work can't come soon enough. I'd go climb under a rock, right now, if I had the energy to find one. Why does life have to be so complicated and painful? I just don't understand.

I am so sorry, Jamie. Please don't forget to take care of yourself, during this time. ((((HUGS))))

Thank you for the recommendations, Kelly. The CS Lewis one looks like it might be a good one for me, right now. I'll definitely check it out!

I've been through a lot of the same things, with my own life, and feelings of self-worth, etc. I'm not sure what to make of it, although there are many times when I chalk up an experience to legitimate reasoning, on the other person's part, or, that maybe I've just not left a big enough mark, or impression. So I always end up being one of the "invisible people". You know, the ones that are around, but aren't really "there", or don't seem like they are. Do you know what I mean? Some of that is my own doing. I think everyone here knows that feeling of needing seclusion, and some need more than others. Then there are others who start out like that, temporarily, and then just continue down the path. That's kind of where I fit in, I think. I've always enjoyed time alone, but it wasn't until this boatload of bad stuff was dropped in my lap, that I started to feel as if I just want/ed to stay home all the time. I do have an Anxiety Disorder, and all of this has just aggrivated that to nearly (and sometimes truly) unbearable levels. The highest level of anxiety disorder is agoraphobia, and I'd have to say that I am kind of close to that. Not necessarily in that I'm actually scared of leaving the house (though sometimes I am), I just can't get past pacing, and fretting, and getting nowhere. Another worry-wort here. Then there's the old cliche', "Don't try too hard. Just live life, and let the good things come to you". Now that doesn't mean for you to not do anything, but, and I do not mean this to be insulting in any way, shape, or form, but maybe because you do obsess so much over what other's think, who is really your friend, and who isn't, etc, it carries over into your personality, and it's not something that some people want to be around. I know that I've been that way, and I know that there have been people who have distanced themselves from me, because I worry, over-analyze, fret, etc. Sometimes people steer clear because they don't know what to say. That is, if they know your situation. It's something that they aren't comfortable with, either, and they may not say anything, because they don't know what to say. My family went through that after my brother's suicide, and it's something that seemed to carry on, for me, throughout life. It's not so bad, as an adult, but as a kid, and a teen, it was a real conversation, and usually friendship breaker. So know that I am right there with you, I have felt those feelings, I have been very, very, upset over what I thought was about me, and maybe sometimes it is, but I do know that many times it's not, it's about the other person, and their fear.

It's been a little over 6 weeks since my dad's sudden death, and I am still a wreck. My whole family is, especially my mom. I'm the only one nearby, all the time, and I should be going over to check on her, and see her more often, but I'm having a hard time getting past my own issues to do much of anything. I do call and talk to her at least once every day, usually more. What's worse is all this crime/court stuff seems to be coming to some sort of head, or at least I hope so. Well, I don't hope so, in that I wish that we weren't even in this mess, or that the perp would just plead, but if it's going to go anywhere else (trial), I'd rather get it done and over with. I imagine it will get pushed out, again, as the perp is trying to hire a new lawyer, right now, but there is a chance we could see the inside of a courtroom within the next couple of weeks. It's a double-edged sword, I tell ya. This stuff was going on long before my dad died, and he was a tremendous help through it all, and now we're approaching what's probably going to be the worst part, and my dad's not here. I'm still pretty much a walking zombie, from grief, and yet I still have this to deal with. At the same time, I do hope it's goes through now, and we get it over with. For one thing, having this hanging over our heads is compounding my grief over my dad, so maybe having it out of the way would help...? I have the feeling that this is going to get a whole lot more painful, before it starts to get better. I don't know how I'm going to make it through it all, as I'm doing good to keep putting one foot in front of the other, right now. This is what I wrote to my husband in an IM, this morning, "I'm stuck between having no desire to do anything, and the physical feeling of being stuck in molasses and not able to do much, with very much speed. Reluctant Slow-mo." How in the world do I steel myself from the inevitable pain of what's to come, all while dealing (badly) with my dad's death? Help.

Huge, huge, ((((HUGS)))) to you, Candace! I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad on February 12th, and I'm still in that surreal dream/nightmare stage, and reality is very slowly starting to hit me, and it's bad. I'm right there with you, still living my life, trying to figure out how it is that someone was just here, and now, all of a sudden, they're gone. Just take your time, this isn't just a really bad dream that we're going to wake up from. Much love, and good thoughts, to you, and a few more ((((HUGS)))) as well. We'll get through this.

Thank you all for your replies. A year seems like an awfully long time. Not that I can control it, and not that I have any desire to rush the process, but since I am already going through a painful process (see thread Still In Shock), I'm afraid that this is going to go on, and on, and on. The pain I feel over what happened to my family is as severe as this, though it's a different kind of pain. That pain is still there, and now I've got this pain on top of it all. At this point I feel as if I'm going to feel like this forever. I know I won't, but it's so hard not to feel that way when you're right smack dab in the middle of it. Does anyone else have any experience with compounded pain? Going through the painful grief process over two different things, at once(only one of them bereavement). How do/did you get through it?

Today I am in pain. The crippling kind, that you just can't get rid of, no matter what you do. I know that I am still in shock, and at the very beginning of the grief process, but how long does this all-encompassing, paralizing pain last? I know that there is no set timeline for grief, but this type of pain can't last forever. I know that there will be times, here and there, throughout life, that it will come up, again, but I'm talking about at the beginning. For those of you who have been going through this, for some time, how long did it take to get past the daily heart-wrenching pain? How long was it before you felt as though you could get through an entire day without your chest exploding?

Tonight is the first night that my mom is going to spend alone in the house that she's shared with my dad, for 37 years, since his death. I'm really scared of how she is going to do, especially given the circumstances surrounding my dad's death. It was a sunday evening, and just them at home. He had over-exerted himself that day, and was feeling some chest pressure. He did a couple of strange things that lead me to believe that he knew much more than he was letting on to my mom. Anyway, he finally came in, and asked my mom to help give him some of his "take if you feel as if you're maybe having a heart attack" type of medicine. She tried to convince him to let her take him to the hospital, but he sat down on a stool, after taking the medicine, and said, "I'm just going to sit here for a bit, until the medicine kicks in". Maybe a minute later he said, "I don't want to go back to the hospital", and then immediately fell over onto the floor, right in front of my mom. She immediately called 911, and they tried to talk her through performing CPR on him, but he was too heavy, and she was not able to turn him over. She feels confident that he was already gone, at that point, but EMS came, and did everything that they could before saying that there was no hope left. Of course EMS couldn't take the body, so we had to wait for the mortuary to show up. I showed up during that time. Fortunately she was not alone, long time, close neighbors were there, with her, in the time it took for me to get there. I stayed there the first two nights (my brother was there the second night I stayed), and then the majority of the family came in the next day, so I came home, to give them the bed space that they needed. Everyone but my one brother (the one who arrived first), left after a week, so he's been there with her since then, until today. He should be arriving at the airport, right now, for his 8PM flight back to Colorado. My mom is already alone. My husband will swing back by, to switch cars, after dropping him off, but after that, it's just her, for the first time in nearly 2 1/2 weeks. I can't spend the night with her as my husband has to work, tommorow, and all three of my kids are here (I share joint custody of my oldest two, who were with their dad when this all happened, and my husband stayed home the first week, to help with our son, while I helped my mom/family make arrangements, etc) right now, and I have to get them to school, and their own doctor's appointments. I'm going to try and swing over there, tomorrow, as well as talk to her many times on the phone, starting first thing in the morning, and then I have to take her for some bloodwork, on friday, but I can't be there, all the time, and I'm so worried about how being alone in that house, all of a sudden, when she's still in a state of shock, and severe grief is going to affect her.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain from those who should be supporting you, at this time. Something to remember is the fact that most of the time, people avoid those in situations like ours, because they, themselves, are afraid. They're afraid that they don't know the right things to say, they fear saying the wrong thing, and they fear getting close enough to have to experience their own fears, and doubts, about death, and what is beyond it. Their distance may have nothing to do with you, at all. My family went through a lot of that, after my brother's suicide, and years later, talking with some of these people again, we discovered, through their own words, that it was their own fear that held them back. That doesn't change the way that you feel now, however, and I completely understand that, and you should have some form of release for venting those feelings, they are not good to keep bottled up inside. Letters are great. Writing letters, detailed, angry, depressing, whatever it is that you are feeling, and want to convey to someone is a great way of getting those feelings out of yourself. These letters, however, are not the kind that you actually send. Sending those types of letters can serve to sever the ties you have with your friends even further, and cause those friends to never come around and realize their own actions, and hopefully get to the point where they want to rectify them. They'll cause the person to justly feel as if the disconnection is your fault, and they'll leave it at that, and quite possibly never reach out again. Just writing them. Getting them down on paper, letting them exist somewhere other than inside of your brain, and your heart, can be very cathartic for you. It may not offer the kind of relief that you seek, but it will offer some relief, the relief of being able to file those letters away, knowing that you've been able to truly express those feelings outside of your brain and heart. Huge hugs to you!

I have yet to actually feel my dad's presence, and it has been really bothering me. I want to feel it, and to feel that reassurance that he is ok. The night after my dad died, my brother's first night here, he felt someone pushing up against his feet, a number of times, in about a 15 minute period of time. He later learned that the foot to foot pushing game was one of dad's favorites to play with our aunt, when they were little. One of my other brothers has said that he "talked" with our dad, the night of his death, after I had called and given him the bad news. He's not said anything besides that, so I don't know what it all involves. Other than that, there has been a lot of other kinds of activity. The watch that he was wearing at the time of his death has changed, and corrected itself, many times, with no explination, and in the last 3 days I've experienced things being thrown (not at me, something across the room from me, more as an attention getter), and my brother has had something thrown in his presense, while cleaning up my dad's office. I think the most profound sign that he's around is the fact that my youngest son, who is mentally retarded finally started walking in my parents' front yard, 2 days after his death, and has continued to do so, since. He has been walking everywhere else, for months now, but at my parents' house, he always reverted back to scooting, especially outside. We had been wracking our brains trying to figure out a way to encourage him to walk, over there, and now he is. I think he has a coach/cheering section, out there with him who truly knows how to communicate with him, on a level that he understands, now. I do have a personal experience, that you might be interested in hearing, that happened to me 1 month after my oldest brother committed suicide (he was 18, and I was only 5) in 1975. My brother spent a lot of time in the den (now my dad's office). He loved Elton John, and spent hours in there playing the piano, reading, writing, etc. It was his refuge. A couple of days after Christmas, the year he died (he committed suicide on Thanksgiving night), I was in the den, playing around, as I often did. At one point I had one of my hands on the top of the piano stool, and the other on the bottom of it, and all of a sudden I felt this large hand slide over my hand that was under the stool, and press down, firmly, as if to comfort me. It didn't last very long, and immediately after it happened, I went into the living room and told my mom, and my brother, who were both sitting in there. My mom didn't say much, just kind of let it go (she was very against that acknowleding that type of phenomenon at that time), and my brother really didn't say anything either. I was kind of like, "oh well", and I turned around, and went back into the den, without a fear in the world, and started playing again. My brother and I have since talked about that experience, many times. Although he didn't say anything, at the time, he remembered it vividly, and cherishes it, almost as much as I do. That same brother, and I, both, seem to be very finely tuned into the "6th sense", and have both felt presences, and such, all of our lives (he even lived in a haunted house for a number of years. The ghost was a wonderful, yet particular woman, and she did not like my brother's then wife, from what I understand, and she'd let it be known quite often). We've had experiences together, and many apart, that we've talked about. I guess this is the main reason why it bothers me so much that I cannot feel dad's presence, not physically, but I can't even sense it, he just throws things to get my attention. I'd much rather feel him with me than have him throwing things, but I'll take what I can get, and hopefully with time, we will reconnect.

Hi Lori, Thanks for the reply, I greatly appreciate it! I was a bit confused, at your first statement, though, are you also going through the process of dealing with a crime, or did you mean to say that you are not? Either way, having your youngest brother in jail has got to carry some similar feelings. I can completely relate to what you've said, we really do seem to have quite a bit in common, and I'm certain I'll be in this stage/grieving process for quite some time. We've already had a birthday to celebrate, since my dad's death - my daughter's, 1 week ago, today. It was SO hard, but we had to do it, for her, and for us. I can also relate to you helping your dad, as I am doing the same, with my mom, and will be doing much more so now that my oldest living brother is leaving to go back home, tomorrow. I'm really scared about how things are going to be "back to normal", as far as all the distant relatives being gone, and it just being "us", my family, and my mom. Two of my brothers will be back and forth, quite a bit, over the next year, the one who is leaving tomorrow is going to be back in 2-3 weeks, but anymore, that seems like a second away, as well as a lifetime away. My mom is really up and down right now, but, she keeps talking about the future, which is a very positive sign, for me, but I don't know if/how long, that will last. Tomorrow night will be the first night that she's been alone, at home, since he died. I feel just awful for her, and wish there was more that I could do to help her, than I already am. Like your parents, mine were married for a long time, as well, 49 years. Their 50th anniversary would have been in June of this year. I'm already trying to figure out how we'll get my mom through that alright. I am so sorry for your loss, and your pain. Hug your dad extra tight for me, the next time you see him, and I'll do the same with my mom. Hugs to you, too, I hope your birthday is as happy as possible.

Hi, I'm new here. If you had told me, three weeks ago, that I would be here, today, I'd have told you that you were crazy, but, here I am. Two weeks, and two days ago (February 12th) I lost my dad to an unexpected massive heart attack. He had had some heart troubles, in the past, but had stayed strong, through all of it, and was doing good. He'd just had an excellent check up, with his Cardiologist, in January. This past year has already been extremely difficult, and painful, due to a horrific crime that happened to my own family. We're stuck in the middle of the whole court process, waiting for the accused (he's guilty, he's admitted it, just not to police) to finally be convicted. We still don't know if it's going to happen by way of a plea bargain, or through a trial, they keep giving continuance, after continuance. I've handled myself as best as I can, am under a doctor's care, etc, but it's still been a difficult, and depressing 8 months, and now it's incredibly worse. While my parents were greatly affected by what happened to my family, my dad remained strong, when everyone else was falling apart, and he became my biggest source of support, and help, during this long, painful, process. He was especially helpful with caring for my 4 year old son, who is mentally retarded. My parents have always played a large role in all of my kids' lives, but since last summer, when all of this court stuff started, he and my youngest have spent a lot of time together, and they became very close. My son doesn't have the cognative ability to understand what happened, and it's probably only going to really sink in, for him, after some time without seeing grandpa. I have no clue how much time that will be. I am my parents' only daughter, their youngest, by 9 years, and the only one who "stayed home". My oldest brother is deceased (suicide when I was 5, he was 18), and my other brothers all live out of state. I live 10-15 minutes from my childhood home, where now just my mom still lives, so they are/were a very intragal part of my entire life of 35 years. I am still very much in a state of shock. Sometimes it's very real, and very painful, and others it's incredibly surreal, but still very painful. I miss him so much. I don't know how we're all going to re-form our lives around his absence. I'm just......lost.