My name is Amanda and I'm 19 at the moment. November of 2006 I lost my Dad to suicide and I don't think I am ever going to recover. There isn't a single day that goes by that I can't stop thinking about it and it hits me at the most random moments... especially when I'm driving. I can't be alone for too long or my mind wanders. Every star, every song, every smell remind me of him. I was sixteen when he "killed himself." I hadn't talked to him in a few months and the last time we spoke we fought. I SCREAMED at him on the phone, so so bad, because he was drunk and being a careless parent. He and his girlfriend had moved back down close to where I live and he didn't even call to let me know that instead of 3 hours, he now lived 20 minutes away. I am so mad at him, so very mad and I really wish I wasn't. I shouldn't have screamed at him the way I did the last time we talked. The last time we talked he hung up on me and it's all I can think about. Anyways, it was November 5 that my phone rang at about 12 at night, which was odd... it was my grandmother who lived in Florida, which was even more strange. I answered the phone and she immediately said, "Amanda, give the phone to your mother." I knew something was up, but I assumed that it had something to do with my dear grandfather. My mom came running out and took the phone and walked into the other room and a few seconds later I heard her start crying and saying, "How am I supposed to tell my daughter that?" She got off the phone and I said Mommy, whats wrong? That's when she explained that my Dad had died. I was in shock, because that was impossible.. someone can't die when you are still mad at them. I was wrong, even worse he shot himself. I didn't sleep well that night and I couldn't function. Since then, I haven't been able to function. I don't think straight. The worst part overall is that I feel that everyone has "forgotten." I am the only person still completley mourning and no one understands. I am embarressed when I am writing my Dad a letter, crying my eyes out and my mom walks in. I pretend that it doesn't hurt so bad anymore, but it does. Am I crazy? Should I have moved on?
