Charlotte61

Thank you, MartyT! I've already read some of these posts and feel better. On the morning after Mom died, I asked for a sign from her to let me know she was still with me and doing okay. I got up, looked out the window, and to my amazement, saw a beautiful yearling deer on the back lawn. What made it especially significant is that when my mother's sister Thelma died four years ago, five wild turkeys turned up on the back lawn the morning after she died. I remember Mom remarking that she felt it was a message from Thelma, pointing out that both "turkey" and "Thelma" begin with a "t". My mother's name was Doris, and both Doris and deer begin with a "d". I saw another deer this morning on the way to work, running across a field. I hardly ever see deer, although I know they're around, so it's interesting that I've seen two in as many weeks. From now on, whenever I see deer, I will think of Mom. On the night Mom died, and at almost exactly the same time she passed (1:30 AM), my sister reported a dream she had just as she was dropping off to sleep. She saw Mom make her transition to the afterlife to be greeted by a Chinese lady who was there to guide her and show her where to go. My grandmother, who passed 20 years ago, was also there. My sister heard Mom say: "I feel so strong!" and the Chinese lady answered: "Yes, isn't it great?" A week or two before Mom died, she also started talking about her sister and brother as if they were still alive, yet they died four and six years ago, respectively. She referred to some National Geographic magazines on her table one day, saying that Arthur (her brother) had dropped them off. Another day, she asked for her sister Thelma, and wondered when she was going to visit again. So it seems she was getting visits from her deceased family during her final days. All these incidents have been a great comfort, as long as I can push away that little skeptical part of me that keeps trying to tell me it's all coincidence or wishful thinking. I hope other people read them and also take comfort from them in their own grief.

Reading these posts has helped me feel better. My elderly mother died two weeks ago after a long illness, leaving my 85-year-old father bereaved. They had been married 55 years, so this has been a huge blow for him, even though we'd been preparing for Mom's passing for virtually four years. I have been worried about going back to work and to my life this past week, and leaving Dad alone in the house all day, and sometimes during the evenings too, but after reading about those of you who live too far away to give your surviving parent as much support as you feel he/she needs, I realize my own Dad is very lucky. I share a house with him, and very rarely go anywhere overnight. My sister is only ten minutes away and has been calling Dad or visiting every day. So he is getting much more support than many bereaved parents do. I've been feeling guilty about going back to my life, but I guess I shouldn't be. After all, we can only do so much, and as some of you pointed out, we also have our own grief to come to terms with. What scares me, though, is that his own father shot himself the morning after his wife suddenly died of a supposed aneyrism, leaving Dad and his two brothers orphaned at a very young age Dad was only 13 at the time. As a rule, he never talks about this memory, because it's too painful for him, but lately I've heard him recount this story several times to different people. It seems like Mom's death has brought it all back to the surface for him, even after over 70 years. Dad seems fine on the surface, and is eating his meals, sleeping well, seeing hs doctor regularly,, etc., but he has no social network and very few interests to take his mind off his loss when I'm not there. He spends most of his time sitting in the living room, reading the paper or doing a crossword puzzle now and then. Occasionally, he just sits staring out the window. I don't know what else I can do for him except be there when I can. Both of us are on anti-depressants, and have been since long before Mom died. But as I am single, I have to work full time and I need to get out and see my friends too. I can't just cancel my life to stay home with him 24/7. I'd go insane, and would probably come to resent Dad after awhile. Dad isn't a joiner, so there's no use suggesting he go out and join a seniors' group or something. He and Mom were never very sociable with anyone outside the family. And now that Mom's gone, it feels like Dad really has no one except my sister and me...but we have our own lives and just can't be there all the time. It makes me feel guilty but I don't know what I can do.

jg2010, I feel the same way you do -- that I have to stay in control or else I'll go into a complete emotional collapse or depression and not be able to get out of it. In fact, although my elderly mother only died two weeks ago, after a long illness, there have been days when I've been feeling so normal and upbeat that it frightens me. I just don't feel like I'm grieving properly -- I have cried, of course, but I cried a lot more in the days before she died, then during the days after. All I can feel most of the time now is a huge relief that Mom is no longer suffering after four years of illness, and that she's free of her sick, weak, broken-down body. No more hospital visits, no more calling the ambulance late at night, no more worrying about her falling, or what tomorrow is going to bring. I actually began grieving four years ago when Mom was first diagnosed with liver failure and we thought then that she'd only live another year or two. It was a miracle that she lasted another four years. Maybe I'm just all "grieved out" by now? I do make time and space for myself to sit with my feelings since Mom died, but I really have to work to make myself cry. I just don't feel like crying most of the time. I feel vaguely sad and empty, but not overly grief-stricken. I cried last night when watching a sad movie about a girl whose mother was murdered, and when I was unpacking the clothes Mom had the hospital -- but I have to really work at triggering the emotions. I also do a lot of talking and writing to get things off my chest. I've read a lot about the so-called "stages of grief" but I don't really see how this can apply universally to everyone. Everybody is an individual, and every grief experience is going to be unique depending on the relationship you had with the person, your personality, lifestyle, stage of life, health, social network, etc. Losing an elderly parent can't be the same grief experience as losing a child, for example. And losing someone after a long illness, during which you've had time to prepare yourself for the desth, can't be the same as suddenly losing someone in the prime of life. The element of shock has to be so much more pronounced in the latter scenario, and the grieving process therefore much stronger. Anyhow, thanks for letting me ramble...I've been doing that a lot lately.

I have also been toying with the idea of booking a session with a medium, but I hesitate because I don't know who to contact or how to know if they're legitimate. I read several books by a world-renowned medium, only to go online and find a bunch of articles that make him out to be a fraud. I'm sure that many mediums can channel lost loved ones -- I can't claim to say otherwise -- but unfortunately, as with anything else, there are also those who seem to be in the business of taking advantage of grieving people who are in a vulnerable state and desperate for some contact with a loved one -- and who will pay a virtual stranger hundreds or even thousands of dollars to get that contact. My elderly mother passed away a couple of weeks ago after a long illness, and although I've had some interesting experiences, including an unusual animal sighting, a strong fragrance one morning in the hall outside the bedroom, and a dream my sister had of Mom's passage into the spirit world at the exact time of her death...there is still a sketical part of me that wonders if it's just all coincidence and our brains' way of trying to attach significance to things that really have no meaning. After losing someone you've been very close to, the thought that they've just vanished into oblivion and ceased to exist is beyond bearing...we feel a profoundly deep and desperate need to believe that they're still around in some form. In many cases, this belief can save people from utter depression and despair. For myself, I know that if I was 100% sure Mom was still spiritually alive, happy, healthy and watching over us, and that I would be seeing her again when it's my turn to die, I would stop grieving immediately and carry on with my life in joy and peace. But, we just don't know for sure, and so we grieve.... I am still open to the idea of talking to a medium, but I don't know who to choose or how to go about choosing him/her. I am so afraid of being disappointed and having my hopes crushed. In the meantime, I have ordered a couple of books about life after death, after researching many titles on the topic, and am eagerly awaiting their arrival.

Thank you for your kind words. My mother passed away early Sunday morning. It wasn't unexpected by any means, but it was still a shock...we're never ready to lose a loved one, no matter how long we've had time to prepare, and in my case it was four years. Though I feel profoundly sad, and as if there's a huge empty hole in my heart, I also feel calmer and more at peace than I have been in a long while. I am grateful that Mom is finally free of her ill, broken-down old body, and that she is no longer suffering.

My mother (now 80) has been ill with liver failure for four years and is now very close to death. She now has a bowel obstruction and is being moved into palliative care at the local hospital. There is nothing more they can do but give her medication for the pain, which is making her almost comatose, and hope the obstruction relieves itself. I have been grieving on and off since Mom was first diagnosed in 2006 and we learned that her condition was progressive and ultimately fatal...in fact, back then, no one dreamed she'd live another four years. At the time, I almost had a mental breakdown and couldn't function for two months, but over the years I've gradually come to accept that her death is inevitable. And she did quite well until about 1 1/2 years ago, and then she started going steadily downhill. It's been a long, continual decline every since. She spent five weeks in hospital last fall and this time has been in hospital for six weeks and probably won't ever come out again. Even if the intestinal blockage relieves itself and she comes out of palliative care again, she'll have to go into long term care because she's lost her mobility and has dementia. My family and I are preparing ourselves for the worst (although this isn't the first time we've done so over the years, and she's surprised us before). I have some questions about the grieving process. I find myself keeping as busy as possible so I don't have to think about losing Mom too much. I can't just sit and do nothing...I have to be busy and occupied all the time. I've packed the upcoming weekend with things to do and people to see. I've been told that it's important to feel and process all your feelings, and not avoid them with excessive busy-ness...but I find if I sit around and think about losing Mom too much, and open myself up to feeling grief and sadness, I start sinking into serious depression. (I'm already prone to anxiety and depression and have been on low dose anti-depressants for years.) Keeping busy and occupied is the only way I can think of to keep myself from becoming too depressed to function. Yet I don't want to set myself up for illness later becase I haven't processed my grief properly. In short, there seem to be two schools of thoughts about grieving -- one says it's important to experience and express all your feelings, and the other says to stay busy and think positive. Can anyone share their thoughts on what's best?

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm so sorry your lost your mother a couple of years ago. It's comforting to know that it does get better over time...although I agree that losing our parents is something we can really never get over. I will certainly be seeing my doctor when the worst happens -- if I have to go on a higher dose of anti-depressants for a year or so, then so be it. I will probably also look into grief counselling. I have supportive friends as well, but a very small family. Once both my parents are gone, my sister is the only one I'll have left and she is dealing with a disabled and depressed husband, so she has her hands full. Hopefully, Mom still has some time left -- we've been through these flare-ups before, and I always get into a panic about them, but so far, she has managed to bounce back to nearly her normal self. This one has been going on longer than usual, though, and there are some other symptoms that didn't happen before. This is a very hard thing to have to go through, although I do know that it's something we all have to face sooner or later, whether it's with a parent, spouse, sibling or close friend. When I say I am overly attached to my mother, I guess I mean that I'm very emotionally dependent on her. Thanks again for your response.

Three years ago, my 78-year-old mother was diagnosed with advanced liver disease -- the doctors don't really know what it is or what's causing it, but they think it's an autoimmune thing where the liver attacks and scars itself. Every time Mom has a flare-up of symptoms I think it's the beginning of the end. This past two weeks she's been quite under the weather and I'm barely able to function because I'm so anxious and afraid and depressed. I may be nearly 50 years old, but my mother is my rock and the most important person in my life. I simply cannot imagine how on earth I will be able to go on without her when she passes. People say you get over it, but all I see is a big black hole in front of me. Are these normal feelings? I have been on a low dose of anti-depressants ever since Mom was first diagnosed, and really don't want to go to a higher dose since that can lead to lifelong dependence. I know I am overly attached to my mother, and have seen numerous counsellors and spent thousands of dollars trying to correct the situation, to no avail. I don't know what to do next, or how I will react when she finally dies. I am terrified I will get suicidal or something. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you!