dravens_rage

I used to have that exact same thought Niamh, i used to want to broadcast it to those people who didn't know, and they're fortunate they don't know because they haven't experienced losing someone and that's a good thing and yet at the same time i think it;s important that people are aware and i wish i had been, i maybe wouldn;t have felt like i was going round the bend when it first happened. Nevermind, perhaps that can be my aim in life, to some how make people aware and set up some kind of place for people to go, although im not very organised, and im not very good at public speaking, yeah might have to wait a while for that one

Thanks Niamh, and thankyou liz (and everyone else) for your posts. It reminds me of something ozzy osbourne once said, it;s applicable to me as i'm english but im sure it;s the same for many people, he said that in england they teach you how to deal with life, but they never once teach you how to deal with death, i have to say that i agree with him, i didn;t really know what grief was until i lost my mum, i'm not blaming anyone don't get me wrong im not even sure how you would being to teach dealing with death but a heads up would've been great! I know i'll always miss my mum, that will ever go away, i think i finally understand what people mean when they say you learn to live with it, i think i had to go through the initial horror of the grieving process (pretty sure you all know what im talking about) to get to this place and see what they were talking about. Niamh im so sorry for your loss, and yknow if you do want to vent just keep posting or if you want to send a rant to my inbox please do, sometimes i used to get so angry and frustrated and i had no means of an outlet, having a good rant was probably what i needed or to beat the hell out of something. Anyway im straying from the subject, I know in normal terms 3 years is along time, and in many ways it feels like an eternity to me. I try and i know all of you try, i don't think we can ask much more of ourselves, i know we'd like to be able to function like everyone else but we don;t have that luxury, one thing i did learn is that i have to go easy on myself, i have to say to myself take it easy, it;s ok, take 10 minutes out, i still have to do it. I'm sorry i've rambled on, thankyou again for your replies it's nice to know that we're not alone in this and have that reassurance that we're not going crazy and if i feel like this in ten years then so be it at least i can say i've tried, i wanted to faulter and many many times i've wanted to give in, but i'm still here, i;m still breathing and i'm grateful for it and like liz was saying try and honour those we've lost when we can. take care, keep going Sean

Hi there guys, just a quick question, i lost my mum 3 years ago to cancer, i still find it really really hard dealing with it and getting on with life, i'm trying and things have definitely got better over the years. does anyone still find it hard even after a few years? A friend said to me a few months back that i should be moving on with life and to be honest that really upset me, every day i try, some days are good and some days are bad but i don't think we can move any faster than what we are naturally able to do, i found it very hard to talk to her since then and i know some people just don't know. So yes i just hope i'm not the odd one out in still finding things hard. thanks Sean

Thankyou all for sharing your thoughts, it helps to hear that i'm not the only one finding it hard, i only ever felt that i could rely on my mum, i say felt, i could and did rely on my mum, her passing was devastating for me, but i'm miserable where i am, im not doing what i want and this is a step towards what i want to do, i want to do this for myself and for my mum, i'm tired of being miserable, there are times in grief when this is unavoidable, but this misery is because i'm not moving because im just moping around and i think it's time to get off my backside and get back on track and do what it is i set out to do. My god i actually sound optimistic, it is really daunting for me and thankyou for the baby steps advice, everytime i get forms filled or sent off i feel like i need to sit down from the worry, but i've managed to do a little bit at a time, so thankyou and thankyou so much for taking the time to read and reply it means so much to me because i don't know that many people who understand what we are all going though and have gone through, it makes me feel more normal and at peace. sean

Hi all, this is the first time I've written a post so please bare with me. Two years ago i lost my mum to cancer, needless to say it's been a horrible experience to put it politely. Anyway at the turn of the year i thought i should try and make some effort to try and get back on with life and applied to do a degree course where i studied when i was 21. Wasn't sure this is what i should do, to be honest since i heard my mums diagnosis i haven't known what i've wanted for about 4 years, but it was a step in the right direction career wise. It's getting closer to me having to go to college and im finding it so difficult, applying for loans, even just thinking about trying to sort accomodation is a mammoth and scary task, i used to have my mums support with all these decisions and im really starting to feel alone, trying to move on for me just seems so hard, in reality these things aren't such a big deal i know but right now for me they seem gigantic. I think i just want to know if anyone else found it hard trying to pick up life again? for me doing this course is finally accepting everything that has happened, this is how life is now and to be honest it still hurts. Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated, thankyou Sean

Hi Shelley, I'm now approaching the 2nd year of losing my mum, this time last year was extremely horrible for me but thankfully that part is over, i still have days where i don't feel so good and confidence goes etc etc, but i feel the worst part of it has passed, im not there yet i know that and i know we can't put a time scale on these things, which is what i'd like to say to you, im sure alot of us here are perhaps grieving the love of a lost one, you are grieving two. At the end of the day they were your parents, it's such a traumatic loss to lose one nevermind both of them, im not sure how it works for you but im pretty sure your bodies trying to cope with the loss of two people/relationships not just one, so cut yourself some slack! As we've all heard rome wasn't built in a day, and yeah yknow you may take a back step in your grief, you may take a big one, but you'll get there, take care and give yourself a pat on the back for coming this far! sean

You've just taken the words right out of my mouth, what a beautiful poem and tribute to your mum!

Hi guys, I understand where you guys are coming from. My mum was the one person who truly believed in what im doing, and everyone else in my family especially my brother are behind me, but no one ever says it quite like my mum did, i don;t get the buzz i do from when my mum said that was good or i could see she was impressed. And that's because i look up to my mum and she knew how much it meant to me what i was doing. Like you say it was being on the same wavelength, and she just understood. And im not surprised you're comparing people to your father, you have this void in your life, and usually we try to fill these spots, but as you said yourself no one can, which is a great and beautiful testament to your dads character, but also a sad thing that you have lost that. When i do something im proud of and would usually show my mum, i just think what she would say, I was playing a gig last Saturday and in my head i just heard my mum saying to me 'Go for it son', that helps me thinking like that because it inspires me and it;s what she'd be saying. She isn't here to say it, but i know she would. Maybe try and think of what they would say to you, i know at first it;s hard because it just makes you sad and you get that aching because they aren;t they to say it. But they would say it, and maybe to yourself say 'Dad would be proud of that' and this may sound stupid but maybe say to your dad aloud 'what do you think of that?' I do when im doing the ironing or trying to bake a cake that doesn't sink, and whether my mum can hear or not it actually makes me feel a little bit better. I hope you guys are doing ok if you need anyone to chat to please feel free to drop me a mail take care sean

I'd like to share a song called 'Landslide' by Fleetwood Mac, whenever i hear this now i think of my mum and everything i've gone through, it;s always nice to hear someone else has felt what you have felt or share the same experience or perspective. I took my love, I took it down Climbed a mountain and I turned around I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills till the landslide brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky What is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause Ive built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older Im getting older too Oh, take my love, take it down Climb a mountain and turn around If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide will bring it down If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

hey Jei5878a, sorry i don't know your name. What you're experiencing is completely normal, what's probably happening is that although it's been 5 months, you're starting to realise that your mum is actually gone, she's not on holiday or away for the weekend or away visiting relatives. I experienced exactly the same thing, for about 2 months after my mum's funeral i was ok, thought i was ok and was sad of course, but thought yknow that was it, then 2/3 months later, i just started getting really angry at work or just really short tempered, then i'd just burst into tears, i just started to become overwhelemed with all these mad feelings, one day i was one top of the world, the next i couldn't do anything. Im a guitarist, thats something i truly live for, and when grief really kicked in i couldn't even play, i had no desire to, i had no motivation to play, to listen, nothing, that upset me even more because that;s the one release thoughout my life i;ve done to make myself feel better. Anyway im sorry im going off the point. I want you to know that all this you're experiencing is completely natural, and normal, it's very important that you understand that, and yknow i felt like i was going round the bend, i was going to check myself into a mental hospital, take my own straight jacket and save them the trouble! Grief takes as long as it takes, and i too felt at the start of it all that i should be passed grieving, but we're talking about your mum here, this is someone who brought you into this world, someone who was a huge part of your life, my mum was my best friend, she's my hero, i had her for 23 years, 23 years, how could i really expect to be over my mum in a couple of months, when she's been there for all these years, through all the ups and downs, she was such a huge significant part of my life. Grief is a journey, that's the best analogy i can give of it from my experience, you're going to feel some very weird and strange things, i can't even begin to start on some of the things i felt, but you will get through it, honestly you will, i am a huge cynic, and i've got through the hardest part of it i didn;t think i was ever going to get better, but i did, you will. I just want you to know that you're not going crazy please know that, it's important that you acknowledge why you're feeling the way you are, because your mum died and that is a very very very very big reason to feel the way you do and a very understandable one, it's not like you have a cold or you've hurt your ankle is it? I kept a journal, i still write in it now when i feel things get to much with my mum, even if it's just something like, today i feel bad, and that's it, you need to talk about it, or get what you're feeling out there, let your body work through it. I had a period of feeling really anxious, your body is trying to accept these changes im pretty sure it's normal, by the way i listened to 'Anxiety' by black eyed peas/papa roach quite alot, that made me feel better when i was feeling anxious, whether you like the music or not the lyrics are great because you'll see you're not the only one. Ok im sorry if i've just ranted alot of nonesense and confused you, but i read your post and i;ve been there and am still healing, you're such a strong person, please know that, i think you're very strong, especially the last few days of your mums life, you may not think it but you are. I hope the rest of your family are coping as best as they can, i hope this mumble of a post helps you in some way, take care of yourself and don;t be so hard on yourself, sean