carissa

Sometimes I push it so far back in my mind that I forget its real and I know that's not healthy because its denial. But then there are other days when I get this strong gnawing in my stomach and chest that it is real. When I cry its bawling, tears that won't seem to stop, that kind of gasping cry. Last night I went to sleep okay for once and then woke up three hours later with a horribe stomach ache and couldnt go back to sleep for hours. The other day though I did the exact opposite, I slept ALL DAY. It made me feel awlful because I didn't get anything done I was supposed to do. Right now I dont have too many obligations, I'm not working and I took a withdraw from school. My boyfriend and I are going to move back home because I want to be closer to my dad. He wants me to get a job, I have an interview tomorrow but I am just afraid that if I get it I won't do well. It is a retail position and right now I just dont feel outgoing or peppy at all. I am pissed a lot of times too like I want to punch something. I am catholic and I believe in heaven and God but I am still having a hard time believing that now was the right time for her. I look at my Grandma who is in 91 years old and in perfect health and people tell her she looks like shes 70. And then my mom was only 57. It just isnt fair. But thats life, life isnt fair. Here is something I wrote, a stream of conciousness the other day.... “Gone” This pain is beyond excruciating Just as the bond was being re born He killed it I know she is in a better place but I feel so crushed Rage fills inside me that she is gone, at least in this world. Selfishness overwhelms me for I want her at my wedding A life taken for granted, I feel so alone inside, my insides ache for my mother. And at the end of the day she is gone and I can’t even fathom it. It can’t carry on without her. I can’t seem to carry on without her. She is gone and I feel so dead inside. This pain is so unbearable and in the end I feel numb, I feel defeated. I feel cheated. I would give anything to see her one more time. Talk to her one more time, tell her I love her one more time. And now she’s only a butterfly and it hurts. Is she a spirit floating around in the sky, is she waiting to tell us goodnight, I don’t know what to believe because my faith is shattered. All the things that annoyed me I now miss. I crave for those moments again. I miss everything she brought to our family. Everyone says it will get easier. And I have no idea how. My heart is broken. Memories don’t suffice; not now. Nothing is easing this pain. I want our bond back. The reference to the butterfly is significant because her and her sisters made this "deal" that when my mom passed away her symbol was a butterfly and that her younger sister(she passed away from colon cancer recently) was a cardinal and then her older sister who is the only one alive is a hummingbird. The other day I thought I saw a buttefly but to my dismay it was only a yellow moth. i know it's still so early on in the grief process, its only been a month, if even that. But my brother is living his life going to work and doing okay and my dad is going to work. My sister is going to work too but she and I have talked and she is having a hard time like me. I guess the difference is , is that they are older and more settled than me. My sister is married and has a full time job, graduated etc. My brother has a full time job that he likes, got his degree, masters..and I'm still trying to "figure it out" So that doesn't help matters. I was already dealing with major depression before this happened. Now its just everything crumbling into a big mess. My boyfriend and I of a year almost broke up the other night but we talked it out and we are staying together. Which I hope remains because he is my rock and keeps me strong through this. There's just so much wrong with me, I dont even know where to start. But that's a whole nother issue than the grief. My mom made me a build a bear this christmas that has her voice recorded on it and I listen to it a lot but it makes me cry everytime I hear it. I try not to play it too much because I dont want to run the battery down. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to feel better? I do journal and it helps but only for awhile. I bought some craft stuff the other day but I dont even feel like doing it cuz i have no energy. I try excercising by walking with my boyfriend in the park and it makes me feel discouraged because everything else is running and jogging and I cant walk without my legs burning. Well this is another long entry again so I guess I'm done, I just feel like this is never going to get better. And I dont want to let anyone down because my dad wants me to "get back in the game" and I feel like I can't just do it that easily.

Aibella, I am so sorry for your loss. My mom died on the same day. She also battled cancer for 14 years. I can relate to your story very well and I am not doing well with my grief, it is very painful. I'm sure our situations are different but I can relate to getting chocked up around the house. I was taking care of my mother as well and now when I go in her room I can't go in there without crying and I feel her presence and its very hard for me. I am here if you ever want to message me. This is a great site, I have only been on it a week and have gotten a lot of helpful support. I hope you do as well. Take care. -Carissa

Hi, thanks for your reply. My mom had an amazing will to love also, she was always so positive, it was so sad to see her in pain when she was acting happy. I am sorry for your loss. I am trying not to file my grief away but it is very hard, because when I'm in denial its easier for awhile but then I start thinking about it and it hurts. I am getting ready to move back home so I will be in therapy then because I definately need to be. I hope it does get easier. I am on depression medication as well but I am going to my doctor to switch because I am having really bad side effects from it. If you don't mind me asking, what are you on? I am just curious because I have tried a lot of different meds and not had much luck. Well thanks again for your response. Take care. -Carissa

Wow I wasn't expecting this many replies at first. I am sorry for your losses. I cant even imagine how painful that must be. I am glad too that I got to reconcile with her, it has made the guilt part a lot easier. I am really glad that I found this site too, it helps to vent and get others support. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it.

I don't even know where to begin. I'm new to this message board, and actually its the first one I've every done believe it or not. Anyways my mind is bewildered around the devasting tragedy of my mom passing away 3 weeks ago. It was both anticipated and sudden. She had been battling breast cancer for fourteen years. But it was extremely complicated in her case. She was first diagnosed when I was nine years old and then just when we thought things were getting better years later my junior year in highschool she had a reoccurence. She was having trouble breathing and the doctors found out it had spread to her lungs. She had an oxgen tank at home and we all began to lose hope again. But then another miracle happened and she got better and didnt have to use the oxygen anymore(despite the doctors saying she would be on it for the rest of her life). She continued to her tumor marker checked periodically and about two years later it had spread to her colon. Honestly I dont even know if two years is accurate because there were so many reoccurences to different parts of her body it is had to remember the exact times. So she was dealt more pain, more chemo and she just kept on fighting. I had grown up more by then and was a little better with coping with it all, wasnt still in denial. During my teenage years my Mom and I had a horrible relationship and I was constantly trying to reconcile it for fear of when she would die and feeling regret when it happened. Well luckily I was dealt more time and years passed on and she continued chemo treatment and she seemed to be doing better. "Seemed" is the key word here because obviously with cancer anything can change drastically and quickly as I learned. She had a scheduled MRI one day, and then the results came back, everyone's worst nightmare, she had a tumor in her brain. I thought for sure this would be my last chance. Our relationship had gotten better but I still wanted more time. My wish was granted yet another time because the surgery was successful and they were able to get almost all of the tumor. And suprisingly she was okay after the surgery, she was almost her normal self asking us if the house was clean, etc lol So then I became more faithful, thinking if she can survive now a brain tumor then she'll be okay and I'll have my mom now for a really long time. Well what was supposed to be a long time really wasnt, at least not enough for me. About two years later 2008 when everything changed. I remember it was Christmas break and me and my boyfriend came home. My mom and dad had just finished building their new house and they were all moved in. We helped unpack and decorate and she was cooking with us and absolutely fine. One night her and I went to dinner and out to finish shopping and I thought she seemed really healthy and back on track. I was again fooled by the cruel deception of cancer. Two days after that outing the unexectable happened, my dad and her had gone to the movies and they had just gotten home. Me and my boyfriend were upstairs talking when all of the sudden my dad knocked on the door. He said to come here now. We go downstairs and she's in bed; she had fainted and threw up blood at the same time. Everyone was in shock, I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. I was bawling, afraid that this was it. She wanted my dad to call 911 instead of going to the hopsital themselves so they did and twenty minutes later and ambulance was there and they were pulling her out on a stretcher. I had never seen anything like before except for on tv. My boyfriend was keeping me from passing out myself and I felt like I was going to throw up. My dad told us to stay behind and he would call us when he found something out. A few hours later he said to go on and go to bed(it was like 2 am) and that they would know more tomorrow. I knew I wouldnt be able to sleep but I tried. It was the day before Christmas Eve the next day and my brother and his girlfriend came into town and my sister came into town that day too. We spent the day in the hospital and it was a nightmare, they had her on a feeding tube and an IV. We took turns coming in shifts because the room was so small. The next day was Christmas Eve, we went to the hospital almost the whole afternoon and then she wanted us to go to dinner at her friends house she had arranged(she was always the planner in the family) so we went , and were thinking of going to church afterwards. Halfway through the meal my dads phone rings. Its the doctor they want to do surgery and they are going to do it soon. We're all thinking, surgery, why? now?! So he races over there and calls us, we all talk to her for a second and then she was taken back. I'm numb now and wondering what the hell has happened. We go over and we wait. We wait hours. Finally the doctor comes out and says shes alive, (thank GOD), but "her liver is beriddled with tumor" and our jaws drop. My dad says, what, we never knew it was the in the liver. And the doctor looks at us confused and apologizes for her "harsh terms" but he thought we knew it had spread to the liver, and we had no clue. Apparently the CT scan had not picked up on it. The reason she had thrown up blood was because there was a tumor in her stomach that was bleeding and they got that out but there was nothing they could do about the liver they said. So its Christmas Eve at 1 in the morning in the hospital. Everything absolutely a mess and ruined. We go in to recovery to see her and she demands to know whats going on and what they found. my dad breaks down and tells her. she sighs and says here we go again. I couldnt believe it, it was spreading abosultey everywhere and there was nothing no one could do. It was killing her slowly and now faster it seemed. ..Christmas morning we bring the presents to the hospital, she loved watching us open them and she even opened a few. She seemed okay. That night we had Christmas dinner because everything had already been prepared and it was weird not having here there. Christmas came and went and she came home after New Years. The doctors didnt know how the recovery would go but they thought it would be okay. She had a feeding tube at home and was severly losing weight. I had never seen her so thin before in my life. Weeks pass and my boyfriend and I go back to school in Bowling Green, KY. We came home lots of weekends but not Valentines day weekend when my sister and brother did and I wish I would've because apparently then was this "miraculous short term recovery" she was up and dressed and went out for the first time in months, went shopping and they took pictures and sent them and I thought she looked great. I thought well okay maybe she survived another round. But unfortnatley my hopes were shattered. The following week she wasnt eating again, she was weak and in bed the whole day. We came home every weekend and she would sometimes come out and watch tv with us and even one time she was halfway okay and we all played a board game. And then it was af someone said it's finally over. Spring break came and my boyfriend and I came home thinking we would visit for a few days and then maybe going to Gatlinburg. We all talked for a long time that Friday night we got home. I poured my heart out to her saying I was so sorry for our troubled relationship in the past and that she was the best mother I could ask for and I told her I loved her so much. I just had this bad gut feeling. And I am soo glad I said something that night. I had also written her a letter and she said she forgave me. She had really looked worse since I had seen her, lost more weight in her face and just looked very weak. She didnt even look like my mom anymore. She was coughing alot and was on oxygen again. She would be up all night coughing and then March 8th she started coughing up this dark fluid, it wasnt blood but it was fluid, which was worse. She could hardly speak and it was a nightmare. My dad knew it was serious and called my sister and brother and told them to come home because it didnt look good. They had called hospice and they were going to come. My sister got home the 9th and that night my dad told us to prepare our goodbyes because he thought she might go into a coma. We went in there one by one, I couldnt believe it. It didnt feel real that I was going in her bedroom and telling her goodbye. The saddest part was, was that she could barely even respond. She did say I love you too but she was just deteoriating fast. I didnt believe my dad though, I thought God would be on our side again and she would be okay. The next morning I wake up, I am in the kitchen eating and my sister comes out and says we think she's in a coma. I rush in the bedroom. Sure enough, her eyes are half way opened and the other shut. She is breathing fine and my aunt is in there with us. My dad is at a counseling appointment and my brother hasnt made it home yet. My aunt leaves the room to give us some alone time with her. We are in there talking to her as if she can respond back and we are praying, I am praying for a miracle, but then suddenly there is silence. We stop talking and my sister says, "oh my God is she not breathing anymore?" We look over and sure enough she just stopped. No gasp for air, nothing. Just stopped. We call in my aunt she checks for a pulse, there is nothing. She didnt want to be recessitated so we dont call 911. We call my dad and he rushes home. We are all bawling. I am laying next to her as if she will wake up any minute. My dad comes in the room and falls to the floor , his hands on her face, he is hysterical. 37 years of marriage, gone. We knew it was coming eventually but not like this. And honestly the rest is just a blur. I will post a new one for that because this is already very long. If anyone lost their parent or loved one to cancer or to anything else I would love a response back. Because right now I am completely lost. I am trying to read a book about grief and I am having insomnia and I dont know how to go on. Thanks for reading.