Imadaddysgirl2

Thanks, Ron. I really needed to hear someone say that. I'd forgotten that forgiveness is for the person forgiving, not the person being forgiven. -- Renee

Oh, good heavens! I am really getting impatient with the people who do not choose to actively grieve. Hats off to you for posting and crying and healing. I see my family members who say they've 'gotten over it' because of whatever reason (they didn't like the person, or they've just ignored those "negative" feelings and have gone on with their life [i think if I hear that one again, I'm going to poke a nose!], or they don't have the experience yet of having a significant loss- other than the next door neighbor's 2nd cousin's ex-husband's girlfriend's trained mouse.) They all have one thing in common. They don't actively grieve, but they all actively drink to excess and do drugs. Hmmm. Think I'll stick with the crying, healing, and posting. I hope that things work out well for you, and I bet they probably will. I've decided to not see my family as often so as to reduce my anxiety level and to have an honesty and integrity when I remember my Dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was the best Dad he could be, and I didn't realize how much I loved him until he was gone. He was a lovely, hateful, educated, and ignorant man who had an awful, grizzly death, and I'm so glad that I don't feel the need to pretend it was anything other, which is what I believe some people do. Good luck with everything and keep in touch. As you can tell, I'm in the angry stage of grieving Renee

I appreciate all that has been said here. I believe our society does not teach us how to grieve. In fact, it seems that we are almost taught to shun it, and I've discovered that this denial only increases my sadness and depression. Talking about the obvious loss in my life has helped so much more than suppressing any emotion. Somatization of a tragedy can be lethal: hypertension, diabetes, alcoholism, etc. My loved one has passed, but I have a lot of life yet to live, and I'm trying to leave a legacy of honest emotional expression to my son. I am so very grateful for this website where I was able to explore and then practice my active grieving. It lets me smile more Thank you for your post, Renee.

Possibly. I'm learning about triggers, and I think I might have triggered soemthing in my stepmother. But, when grief is worked actively, I believe those triggers become stepping stones. I know now I can't open up to her the way that I want to because she doesn't want to grieve, and I think she doesn't know how to handle it. Hugs to you, Renee

Dear emptyinside. You didn't mess it up. Our society doesn't do a very good job of educating people about active grieving. There is a myth that what is out of sight is out of mind, and that if grieving can't be heard, it can't be thought about. I like the article that Marty gave us. It takes skill to learn how to trust someone to share our grief with. I wish we could teach this in our school systems. Thanks, Renee.

I just wanted to say that I still miss Cal very much, and he will never be able to be replaced. He died 3 days before my birthday. I have another kitty now, and his name is Georgie. Georgie wants to go outside, but we won't let him. I think he is somewhat confused about why the older cats can go out, but he can't. He always comes up to me and crawls up my legs, sometimes jumping from a table onto my shoulders. I don't mind this habit. He wants to be with me at all times. I feel so loved by him. He is different from Cal, but just as precious. I think I will always be a cat girl and, hopefully, always want to have that wonderful unconditional love in my life, even when it hurts so much to lose it. Life does go on! --- Renee

Those are lovely. Thank you, Renee

When my father was dying, my stepmother kept urging him to try newer and different cures for a cancer that has never been cured. He would say no, then she would talk him into it. So, there were more therapies and, when the doctors finally insisted on hospice, she insisted on physical therapy for him. She was just in such denial. I was branded 'the bad child' because I wanted my dad to be out of suffering (which, of course, meant death). When Dad and I had few moments of alone time, he didn't want to do any therapies, and I supported his wishes. We just sat and talked. It was beautiful. Now, my stepmother has extraordinary bills that she knew medicare and the insurance would not cover. And she wants me to help her pay for them!!! We are talking about $100,000+ in bills she incurred throughout Dad's illness. I'm not wealthy nor were they. She's afraid she will lose the house, and she wants to use the land that has been in my family that was expressly written in my Grandmother's will for my sister and I. Because Dad didn't leave a will, but a joint trust with her, I believe, but am not sure, that she has total control over my family's homesteaded land. I've had dreams of living on it, and however unlikely they are to come true, they are still my dreams. I think it's horrific to watch someone you love waste away from 212 pounds to 115 pounds in just 8 months. It was so hard to lose Dad. Before the bills started coming in, I mentioned to my stepmother how angry I was that Dad died. I was just expressing my grieving process, not directing it to her. I wanted him to be out of pain, but I wanted him around for awhile longer, too. She invited me to her grief share group, and I really opened up to her. This might have been a bad thing. I'm sorry she is suffering this financial chaos now, and I understand that it's not an unusual thing with loved ones who have died with cancer. But I have my child to raise and a disabled husband. And I really want Grandma's and Dad's land. I just feel very selfish for wanting it. She has a 2500+ sq. foot house and I live in an 1100+ sq. foot house. So, she sent me all the paperwork to transfer the land to mine and my sister's name, and then rescended it after I talked about being mad at Dad for dying. The worst part is that I really like my stepmother. I made up my mind before Dad died that I wanted her in my life, but now she won't respond to my emails or my phone calls. She just won't talk to me. I feel so rejected. It's like losing two parents. And I'm feeling guilty because I was the bad kid. Has anyone been the 'bad stepchild' before? How did you handle it? I'm really hurting here. I would appreciate your comments. Thanks, Renee

Thanks. That's a great idea. I've also thought of volunteering to be the aide for a while. It's kind of a mental break. I saw your thread, and It described my family to a T. She could have been my Mom. Wow. Denying grief really is very debilitating. I'm excited about finding a therapist now. Hugs, Renee

Hi everyone. I lost my dad in November 2009 while I was in my last year of nursing school. I had to 'tuck in' the grieving process in order to graduate which was my Dad's greatest wish for me. He literally said, "Don't stop school for me." I, originally felt rejected by him again (!!), but now I see he was protecting me again. He had an 8 month battle with pancreatic cancer that was just horrible. So, I've graduated from nursing school, passed my state boards, and I wish I could give him a big hug. Now that the stress from school is over, I feel like I need to continue the active grieving. The problem is, is at work. I'm messing up at work, which is not new work for me. I'm doing the same things I was doing before I became an RN. No med errors, no problems with patient care THAT I'M AWARE OF! I'm messing up on the paper work, and I seem to have lost my short term memory. I also feel real confusion. I'm afraid that I will get fired from work. They know about my Dad dying, and people who still have their parents are just so unaware. I'm allergic to many medications, so I'd rather see a therapist. I have new insurance, so I'm going to give it a try. I just feel really scared opening up to someone in person. I know everyone here has been where I am, and I'm so sorry that we were initiated into a club that no one wants to join, but I'm glad that you are here with me. I've been writing Dad and God letters and expressing my thoughts and emotions to both of them. I have forgiven myself and my stepmother for the things that happened while Dad was dying. But now, I think I need to forgive Dad for dying, and I'm still pissed off! I want to go stomp on his grave and tell him I don't appreciate him dying (actually, Dad had a great sense of humor, and I think he would get a big kick out of that!) I need to write another letter to Dad and tell him about the NCLEX, school, problems at work, etc. He's not here physically, but I like to think that spiritually we never end. Love to all, Renee.

I think I am going 'mad'. I get angry, very angry, confused and forgetful. My perimenopausal state does not help either. I started kind of settling down about 6 months after Dad died and then my cat died. Right after that my stepmother wanted me to go through my Dad's things with her and it upset me so much. My stepmother and I have grown much closer, but the fact of the matter is that she and my father treated me like an unwanted visitor. My sister says she feels the same. I don't care how close a person is to their parents, it's such a challenge to go through the grieving after the parent dies. Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. I totally understand your out of control emotions, and I want them to end, as well. It feels better to be writing about this. Thanks for listening, Renee

Thank you for both posts. I lost Cal 5 days ago and still expect him coming in through the front door for dinner. My husband and son are not grieving as much as I am, and my heart is just so broken. I lost my dad 7 months ago, and even though that was much worse, Cal got me through that. He was my constant companion, and if I could have taken him to work at the hospital, I would have! I will do a tribute to Cal. Something more than writing. I feel like I need to go out and talk to him, near where he is buried. I will place something near him. I'm sure he is happy in his final resting place as it is in a wooded area and he always liked to play jungle kitty! Thanks so much again!- Renee

Thanks very much. I miss him terribly and keep expecting him to walk through the door or beg for a pork chop. I see the difference between losing someone suddenly and having an expected loss. This is just terrible. Thanks so much, your replies mean so very much to me.- Renee

Your loss is so huge I really hope you keep reading, even if you don't keep typing. It really does help. You're in the right spot, and I am so grateful that this site includes the 4 legged family members as well. Peace to you- Renee

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. My wonderful protector just died. He was a 5 year old cat who got hit by a car. We found out 2 days ago, but he was missing on June 3rd. All the best to you.- Renee