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Imadaddysgirl2

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Everything posted by Imadaddysgirl2

  1. Thanks, Ron. I really needed to hear someone say that. I'd forgotten that forgiveness is for the person forgiving, not the person being forgiven. -- Renee
  2. Oh, good heavens! I am really getting impatient with the people who do not choose to actively grieve. Hats off to you for posting and crying and healing. I see my family members who say they've 'gotten over it' because of whatever reason (they didn't like the person, or they've just ignored those "negative" feelings and have gone on with their life [i think if I hear that one again, I'm going to poke a nose!], or they don't have the experience yet of having a significant loss- other than the next door neighbor's 2nd cousin's ex-husband's girlfriend's trained mouse.) They all have one thing in common. They don't actively grieve, but they all actively drink to excess and do drugs. Hmmm. Think I'll stick with the crying, healing, and posting. I hope that things work out well for you, and I bet they probably will. I've decided to not see my family as often so as to reduce my anxiety level and to have an honesty and integrity when I remember my Dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was the best Dad he could be, and I didn't realize how much I loved him until he was gone. He was a lovely, hateful, educated, and ignorant man who had an awful, grizzly death, and I'm so glad that I don't feel the need to pretend it was anything other, which is what I believe some people do. Good luck with everything and keep in touch. As you can tell, I'm in the angry stage of grieving Renee
  3. I appreciate all that has been said here. I believe our society does not teach us how to grieve. In fact, it seems that we are almost taught to shun it, and I've discovered that this denial only increases my sadness and depression. Talking about the obvious loss in my life has helped so much more than suppressing any emotion. Somatization of a tragedy can be lethal: hypertension, diabetes, alcoholism, etc. My loved one has passed, but I have a lot of life yet to live, and I'm trying to leave a legacy of honest emotional expression to my son. I am so very grateful for this website where I was able to explore and then practice my active grieving. It lets me smile more Thank you for your post, Renee.
  4. Possibly. I'm learning about triggers, and I think I might have triggered soemthing in my stepmother. But, when grief is worked actively, I believe those triggers become stepping stones. I know now I can't open up to her the way that I want to because she doesn't want to grieve, and I think she doesn't know how to handle it. Hugs to you, Renee
  5. Dear emptyinside. You didn't mess it up. Our society doesn't do a very good job of educating people about active grieving. There is a myth that what is out of sight is out of mind, and that if grieving can't be heard, it can't be thought about. I like the article that Marty gave us. It takes skill to learn how to trust someone to share our grief with. I wish we could teach this in our school systems. Thanks, Renee.
  6. I just wanted to say that I still miss Cal very much, and he will never be able to be replaced. He died 3 days before my birthday. I have another kitty now, and his name is Georgie. Georgie wants to go outside, but we won't let him. I think he is somewhat confused about why the older cats can go out, but he can't. He always comes up to me and crawls up my legs, sometimes jumping from a table onto my shoulders. I don't mind this habit. He wants to be with me at all times. I feel so loved by him. He is different from Cal, but just as precious. I think I will always be a cat girl and, hopefully, always want to have that wonderful unconditional love in my life, even when it hurts so much to lose it. Life does go on! --- Renee
  7. When my father was dying, my stepmother kept urging him to try newer and different cures for a cancer that has never been cured. He would say no, then she would talk him into it. So, there were more therapies and, when the doctors finally insisted on hospice, she insisted on physical therapy for him. She was just in such denial. I was branded 'the bad child' because I wanted my dad to be out of suffering (which, of course, meant death). When Dad and I had few moments of alone time, he didn't want to do any therapies, and I supported his wishes. We just sat and talked. It was beautiful. Now, my stepmother has extraordinary bills that she knew medicare and the insurance would not cover. And she wants me to help her pay for them!!! We are talking about $100,000+ in bills she incurred throughout Dad's illness. I'm not wealthy nor were they. She's afraid she will lose the house, and she wants to use the land that has been in my family that was expressly written in my Grandmother's will for my sister and I. Because Dad didn't leave a will, but a joint trust with her, I believe, but am not sure, that she has total control over my family's homesteaded land. I've had dreams of living on it, and however unlikely they are to come true, they are still my dreams. I think it's horrific to watch someone you love waste away from 212 pounds to 115 pounds in just 8 months. It was so hard to lose Dad. Before the bills started coming in, I mentioned to my stepmother how angry I was that Dad died. I was just expressing my grieving process, not directing it to her. I wanted him to be out of pain, but I wanted him around for awhile longer, too. She invited me to her grief share group, and I really opened up to her. This might have been a bad thing. I'm sorry she is suffering this financial chaos now, and I understand that it's not an unusual thing with loved ones who have died with cancer. But I have my child to raise and a disabled husband. And I really want Grandma's and Dad's land. I just feel very selfish for wanting it. She has a 2500+ sq. foot house and I live in an 1100+ sq. foot house. So, she sent me all the paperwork to transfer the land to mine and my sister's name, and then rescended it after I talked about being mad at Dad for dying. The worst part is that I really like my stepmother. I made up my mind before Dad died that I wanted her in my life, but now she won't respond to my emails or my phone calls. She just won't talk to me. I feel so rejected. It's like losing two parents. And I'm feeling guilty because I was the bad kid. Has anyone been the 'bad stepchild' before? How did you handle it? I'm really hurting here. I would appreciate your comments. Thanks, Renee
  8. Thanks. That's a great idea. I've also thought of volunteering to be the aide for a while. It's kind of a mental break. I saw your thread, and It described my family to a T. She could have been my Mom. Wow. Denying grief really is very debilitating. I'm excited about finding a therapist now. Hugs, Renee
  9. Hi everyone. I lost my dad in November 2009 while I was in my last year of nursing school. I had to 'tuck in' the grieving process in order to graduate which was my Dad's greatest wish for me. He literally said, "Don't stop school for me." I, originally felt rejected by him again (!!), but now I see he was protecting me again. He had an 8 month battle with pancreatic cancer that was just horrible. So, I've graduated from nursing school, passed my state boards, and I wish I could give him a big hug. Now that the stress from school is over, I feel like I need to continue the active grieving. The problem is, is at work. I'm messing up at work, which is not new work for me. I'm doing the same things I was doing before I became an RN. No med errors, no problems with patient care THAT I'M AWARE OF! I'm messing up on the paper work, and I seem to have lost my short term memory. I also feel real confusion. I'm afraid that I will get fired from work. They know about my Dad dying, and people who still have their parents are just so unaware. I'm allergic to many medications, so I'd rather see a therapist. I have new insurance, so I'm going to give it a try. I just feel really scared opening up to someone in person. I know everyone here has been where I am, and I'm so sorry that we were initiated into a club that no one wants to join, but I'm glad that you are here with me. I've been writing Dad and God letters and expressing my thoughts and emotions to both of them. I have forgiven myself and my stepmother for the things that happened while Dad was dying. But now, I think I need to forgive Dad for dying, and I'm still pissed off! I want to go stomp on his grave and tell him I don't appreciate him dying (actually, Dad had a great sense of humor, and I think he would get a big kick out of that!) I need to write another letter to Dad and tell him about the NCLEX, school, problems at work, etc. He's not here physically, but I like to think that spiritually we never end. Love to all, Renee.
  10. I think I am going 'mad'. I get angry, very angry, confused and forgetful. My perimenopausal state does not help either. I started kind of settling down about 6 months after Dad died and then my cat died. Right after that my stepmother wanted me to go through my Dad's things with her and it upset me so much. My stepmother and I have grown much closer, but the fact of the matter is that she and my father treated me like an unwanted visitor. My sister says she feels the same. I don't care how close a person is to their parents, it's such a challenge to go through the grieving after the parent dies. Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. I totally understand your out of control emotions, and I want them to end, as well. It feels better to be writing about this. Thanks for listening, Renee
  11. Thank you for both posts. I lost Cal 5 days ago and still expect him coming in through the front door for dinner. My husband and son are not grieving as much as I am, and my heart is just so broken. I lost my dad 7 months ago, and even though that was much worse, Cal got me through that. He was my constant companion, and if I could have taken him to work at the hospital, I would have! I will do a tribute to Cal. Something more than writing. I feel like I need to go out and talk to him, near where he is buried. I will place something near him. I'm sure he is happy in his final resting place as it is in a wooded area and he always liked to play jungle kitty! Thanks so much again!- Renee
  12. Thanks very much. I miss him terribly and keep expecting him to walk through the door or beg for a pork chop. I see the difference between losing someone suddenly and having an expected loss. This is just terrible. Thanks so much, your replies mean so very much to me.- Renee
  13. Your loss is so huge I really hope you keep reading, even if you don't keep typing. It really does help. You're in the right spot, and I am so grateful that this site includes the 4 legged family members as well. Peace to you- Renee
  14. I'm so sorry you lost your baby. My wonderful protector just died. He was a 5 year old cat who got hit by a car. We found out 2 days ago, but he was missing on June 3rd. All the best to you.- Renee
  15. Hi everyone. I'm not new to this site, but have not been on it for awhile. My father passed away 7 months ago and part of the way I dealt with his death was this website and my beautiful 5 year old part-siamese cat named Cal. Cal was a special creature, being that he could sense when my blood sugar was too low (and would wake me up at night-- I really came to depend on him-- have to say I'm a little nervous now that he's not here), knew when I was very anxious (he would come over and place one paw on me and start meowing at me) and would sit beside me when I was ill in any other way (I have two other chronic illnesses). Cal was not trained as a medical animal, but came to it naturally. Because he was Siamese, he bonded with only one person, and would bite other people when he didn't like their tone of voice that was being directed at me. He only really liked one other person, my friend Sheila. Cal had little idiosyncracies. He would give a small bite when he was woken up, or when he was laying down to sleep and didn't want to be moved or messed with. He also liked to throw temper tantrums when another cat got on his bed (which is also my bed And he was the boss of our house! We live in the country and all the other pets bowed down to Cal- even a neighbors' dog! He didn't really know what to do with the possums, though. I will miss most of all sleeping with him. My husband sleeps in another room, so it becomes lonely for me. He always slept right above my head. He would walk up right next to me and slide up above me onto my pillow. I was never cold in the winter. He would also purr little love whispers into my ear. When he was jealous of my attention I gave to people, he would sit on my hand that was nearest to them so that I couldn't touch them. In short, he was a character. He was so very special. I will miss my light gray siamese tabby with blue eyes. He was hit by a car four nights ago. My husband found his little body 2 nights ago. I was able to go to work the next day because of this website. I'm now able to cry and grieve at home (I'm giving myself all the time in the world to grieve him) and able to tuck it back in when I have to be somewhere else. I'm a nurse and knew we would be short handed at work. I also knew that even though my supervisor was very understanding about Dad's death, she would not be so with a four legged family member. I wrote Cal a letter asking him to forgive me for not taking better care of him. I am feeling the guilt that comes along with losing a family member. I've also had some anger as well, but didn't act on it. I like to believe that all of the people and animals I've loved will be waiting for me when it's my time to go. A few weeks before he died, another cat we have had kittens. One of them is a real character and his name is George. He loves my bed and sleeps near my pillow. I think we will be great friends. I love you dearly Cal. Renee.
  16. And i love the way you take time to take care of yourself.- Renee
  17. Thanks Debbie for this post. I am going through the stages of grief after the recent loss of my father in November. Thanksgiving was hard, Christmas was better. I got through the crying, but am now really angry. But the anger lessens when I write about it or talk about it. I have severed a relationship, and am now wondering if I need to rethink that. Your post reminds me that even through all of this there is still a promise of better times ahead. I don't get on my knees enough, that's for sure. I too enjoy nature and it's healing power. Those special times that i can be kind to myself is a real blessing. Thanks for reminding me of that. Renee
  18. Thank you so much. I need the Creator right now. I am thankful He/She is there.
  19. I am so sorry on your loss, Mystclwlf. I lost my Dad this year, too, and I didn't realize how hard Thanksgiving would be. I usually didn't even spend the holiday with him, but it was nice when he was there. My father died of cancer, and I know the very special person you are for being with your mother in her time of need. Thank you for sharing that beautiful Cherokee saying. It really fits. Tears are so healing and are a good treatment. I have learned so much on this website since April and going through and reading the posts really helps. Take special care tomorrow, and know you aren't alone. R.
  20. Thanks, Marty. Your post did help, and thanks for validating my need to be angry. I think that my stepmother and I just tried to protect Dad in different ways. He died of pancreatic cancer and I just didn't want him to suffer. She wanted him to live as long as he could. We just didn't agree, nor were either of us particularly reasonable about our expectations of him. However, we have been communicating through e-mail, and I think this is a great tool for us. Considering how my family members have been describing Dad in his last two weeks (I live in another state), whatever anger I had with Dad, I forgave, because he paid any price he owed to anyone with terrible agony. Thanks again, R.
  21. Hi Chai, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, am grieving for my Dad who divorced my Mom almost 25 years ago. I let myself be very controlled by my mother. I now realize that I have issues with abandonment, and I clung to my mother because I knew she would not leave me. I realized later on that my father did not end his relationship with me, it just changed. I also stayed in school because my father asked me to. It is difficult when I tell people this because some just do not understand. What I don't tell them is that my stepmother and I don't get along, and I would have definitely been a third wheel. And I'm pretty glad that I left that situation be as it was. And even though I visited him often, and we finally had a moment I will treasure for a life time, I still feel like I did not do enough. I think that this is probably a common feeling with adult children of divorced and deceased parents. And maybe of any parent who has passed away. Your Dad still loves you, and I choose to think that my Dad is not just in my past but also in my future. I also choose to believe that whatever I did wrong, it will be forgiven. I think my Dad probably forgave me before he died, but, like you, I find it more difficult to forgive myself. It sounds like your dad loved you alot, and I doubt that he would have wanted you to drop school altogether and be with him. I couldn't be there for him in the last weeks. And, truth be known, I didn't want to. I wanted to be able to remember my Dad in happier times. I am so grateful to hospice. It is a wonderful thing. I think that forgiveness is the final link in the chain of grieving. I think I have alot of work to do. This probably didn't help much, I'm still kind of raw. My Dad died almost two weeks ago, and I am still just raw and angry. Thanks for listening, Renee
  22. Hi faraway, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad last week, and even though my Mom is alive, we are not very close. I, too, felt orphaned, but reconnected with a mother of an old friend. My father was very unavailable to me my whole life, I even talked to him about it throughout our relationship, but when he died, I became extremely angry at him choosing everyone but his kids to be in his life (my sister feels the same way). I'm feeling explosive anger now, and then sadness and then another emotion that I have not been able to identify yet, probably anxiety. Writing about it helps me. My husband was great during the funeral, but wants me to 'get over it now.' He still has both parents and has not had a major loss in his life, yet. The memorial service for Dad was only 5 days ago, and I am actively seeking to grieve. I believe that non-grieving leads to health problems, and I have too many as it is, now. I hope that this helps, and thank you for listening.
  23. My father died a little over one week ago. We had the memorial service on Thursday, and then we went to my stepmother's place on Friday. Her family was there. Her family and Dad's family never lost any love over each other. They were married for over 20 years, but our families were just so different. She and her family were incredibly rude to my son, my husband and I. She got all of Dad's money and wouldn't let me have anything of his that was personal to him. Not anything. There was family land that is now hers. I am just incredibly angry over all of this. Dad and I didn't develop our relationship until I became an adult. He left Mom and us kids after I was grown, and it was ok, I understood. And I even expected that the stepmother would do this to us. She had given us kids little hints like leaving Dad's kids out of 'family' events like Christmas. I could go on and on. So, of course I am angry at her. This I understand. I am also angry at Dad for leaving us all over again. I understand that, too. But what do I do with all of this anger? My sister wants to keep in touch with the stepmother because she doesn't get along with our own mother. I can't even stand the idea of ever talking to her again. She has used us in ways that would take hours to write about. Her own children and her mother were even extremely angry with her. So, I can say goodbye to her. It just hurts so much to be so angry with my Dad. He chose her over us every time. I know that I have to forgive them, but how do I get through the anger to get there? I've heard of people losing their jobs over the grieving after their loved one has died. I'm journaling and talking to friends. But, in the end, it just seems that people just want to hear what they feel comfortable with: That everything is fine. Thanks, Imadaddysgirl2
  24. Thankyou sooooo much Leeann!! I think I just didn't know if that was ok or not. It's so confusing right now. But you have helped alot. Thanks again!
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