partner

Hi everyone: It's been an extremely hard few weeks and Mother's Day wasn't any better. I have called my son and daughter-in-law twice in the past week asking if i can see my grandson's and haven't gotten any response. A couple of nights ago i was in the store where she works so i decided to apologize for my part in yelling at her on the phone. She thanked me and i said that i would like to see the boys as i hadn't seen them in awhile. She said of course i would see them so i left it at that. I still haven't heard from her as to when that will be. She had told me before that she would never use the boys against me but i guess my unreturned calls say different. I am going in a downward spiral as time goes on and losing them makes everything worse. I miss them so much especially my 3 year old grandson. It seems that my son has chosen not to have a relationship with me and while i know that i can do nothing about this, my emotions are at there lowest right now. The pain of losing my husband is enormous, going through this game of theirs with the grandsons is compounding it. I tried one last time today and called asking to please see the boys, and almost begging them not to keep them from me. As i said before my daughter-in-law thrives on having the power in situations and it seems will get her way this time too. I can only imagine what she has told my 3 year old grandson when he asks about seeing me. My head keeps spinning and my emotions are raw. I don't know what else to do. I have lost so much, why this also? It's so hard being here and i wonder what's the point. God didn't help my husband, now he won't help me either. Last week was the closest i've come to wanting to stop being here and all i feel is pain. Being with my husband would be so peaceful and my pain and hurting would stop. I don't know how to cope with the loss of my grandsons, i miss them so much. All i have done for the past 2 days is drive until i'm exhausted. At times i'm crying so hard i shouldn't even be driving. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just when i think i can't hit any lower, something else happens and i do. I'm sure i'm not the only person who has gone through so many losses. If anybody has anything that might help me get through this i would really appreciate it.

Hi: Thank you for all of your responses to my post. This past week has been so difficult and the sadness is so bad with an never ending feeling of not wanting to bother to fight this anymore. I've had great joys in th past few days, my first great granddaughter was born. Nothing seems to matter to me and except for my pain i feel no emotion inside. Had a huge fight with my daughter-in-law over bad things she was saying about me to my other adult children. This isn't the first time over the years. When i honestly thought that we had resolved our differences i find out she is still continueing to do this. No point talking to my son as he won't talk to me about anything and he just hears her version of it and defends her. He never believes me. She doesn't get that my kids would tell me what was going on and she always denies it. She is a power, controlling person. I stopped talking to her about anything after Rob passed and no matter how hard she tried to get info from me i wouldn't give her any so i guess this is her way of causing more trouble in my family. I just don't need this anymore, but i'm so hurt that my son won't see that she lies and twists things around. These last few days have been mostly crying and wanting to find a way out of this grief. Looking out at our backyard and the bush is so hard and painful. All i see are the things that we used to do and all the things he took care of. I went into the garage tonight and it is so overwhelming since almost everything in there was his and i have no idea what a lot of his stuff is for. He was a mechanic and over time gathered things he probably didn't need. Now when i look at it i'm lost. My son was supposed to go through these things with me since Rob taught him mechanics and he is knowledgeable in this stuff. I guess that won't happen now. I don't understand why when i just lost my husband more bad things continue to happen. I don't know which way to turn and all i want to do is run but don't know where. I want to go to bed and forget that there's a world out there. Next to my husband, family has always been so important to me and it was top priority to Rob. He worked so hard to try and bring our kids together. There has been animosity between my son and his sisters since his partner came into the picture, mostly because of what she does to me. They came together this past Xmas for Rob's sake and we had hoped that it would be a new beginning for them, too bad my daughter-in-law can't stop trying to be the focus of attention. Anyway, i'm just feeling really low and hurt, emtpy and lost and all the other emotions that i guess everyone here is going or has gone through. I don't know what to do with myself. I was home the last yr. taking care of Rob and now no matter how hard i try to fill my days nothing helps and it's lonely. Everyone has their lives and families to care for and i'm stuck here by myself. Thanks for listening

Hi: I'm new here and am glad to find a site for people who have lost a spouse. I lost my husband in Jan. 2009 to Prostrate Cancer and every day since is like a nightmare. It's been 3 months now and the pain, emptiness, loneliness, sadness and missing him is so overwhelming. He was sick for 2 1/2 years and lost so much from this disease. I was home with him full time the last year of his battle. We were soulmates in every sense of the word and he was my world. Without him, life has no meaning or reason. I get up each day and go to bed each night not wanting to face the next day without him. We were together for 15 years. This house of ours is so empty and quiet even when i put music or the tv on. I try to stay busy but nothing helps. I feel like i'm functioning on remote and don't remember most of what i did the week before. I feel like i shouldn't talk or cry about him in front of others so i try to act as if i'm okay when i'm not and that frustrates me. People seem to think that if you just stay busy it will be better. It isn't. I know that everyone has their own way of dealing with their loss, i just wish people could let me handle mine however i need to without backing away from me and leaving me so alone. I'm so angry at him for leaving me here alone yet i know it wasn't his fault. I just want him back and life as it was before this. I looked forward to spring after a long, cold winter and now i wish it wasn't coming. It's just another reminder of what i have to face without him. The things that he always took care of, the bbq that was his thing, camping and walks in the bush behind our home, just looking out at our deck is painful and the idea of sitting on it is too much without him. I know it's wrong but sometimes i hate people who have their partner and look so happy when my world is without mine. I don't know how to get through this or how to want to get through this. We have adult children but there is alot of strain between them and it doesn't help. They came together for him this past Xmas (i think he knew it would be his last) but now that he is gone they are back to not speaking to each other so even getting together with all of them at one time is most likely not ever going to happen again. He always tried to make things right between them and get them to see how important family was. Now that's gone too. Sorry for rambling, i just don't know how to be here without him. Thanks for listening