Bdavis_04

Hello Mel, My wife died 1/25/09 and my best girl, Molly-dog, followed her on 2/14/09. Both have been cremated and have come to rest, for now, on my kitchen table. When I enter the house for any period of time I light a candle placed between them so that they won't forget how to come home. That probably sounds a little silly, but frankly I don't care - it's the little thoughts and little things that are helping me get by for now. My life changed on a dime when I lost Phyllis, and changed again when Molly died - I am in so much pain most of the time that I actually feel sick - I have begged for becoming numb more than once. People outside of my grief cannot possibly understand, and everyone is outside of my grief no matter how much they love me or how well intentioned they are. Their lives move on while mine cannot - I have lost my rudders and anchors - so there is no more "normal" for me. Hell, if I get out of the bed in the morning I've accomplished a major task for the day - and if I take a shower - Yipeeeeeee - give the lady a gold star! Phyllis wants to be spread in Galveston Bay where she always felt most at home and I plan to abide by that promise - but not yet. First as someone mentioned, I am not ready yet to lose her and Molly again so soon. I know, I know her soul isn't in her ashes, blah, blah, blah - but my security, for now, is. I spend time everyday talking to the two urns, touching them, and crying over them. What used to be their bodies, which is all of them that I ever really had in life, are in those jars and I feel that it would be really self-abusive to rip them away from myself at this time. Phyllis and I never asked or expected that we would sacrifice ourselves for the other and I don't believe that she would expect me to do anything right now that would put me in jeopardy - like making the 20 hour drive to Texas from Arizona to scatter her ashes. Her family has tried to push me to hurry this process along, and my family has said to just send the ashes to the kids in Texas and be done with it, but neither option is acceptable to me. Not only is the spreading of ashes a very solemn and personal ceremony, but also one that I like to believe is the completion of one eternity and the beginning of another - both requiring celebration. How celebratory can you be when you're not ready to let go, your world is crashing down around you, and you're not really even aware of what you're doing? I know that I've been in a haze and have lost much of the last two months - I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I missed my second chances to say goodbye to Phyllis and Molly too. I hear you when you say you made a promise, but would your husband want you to do something that would not only endanger you, but also cause you more hurt right now? As far as going to work, is there a way that you can avoid it for at least a few more months....maybe even a year? I have struggled since Phyllis died and figured a "whole week" would be all that I would need before jumping back into my life, that was the first week of March. Last Friday I held my breath and asked for the month of April off - no excuses just the truth - because I’m doing well. I have the month off and my job is ok. When my brother-in-law heard what I'd done, he asked, "are you nuts" what if they would have said no, why didn't you talk to me first? I replied that I had been fully ready to resign. I was no good to my employer - too many mistakes - which compounded my guilt, frustration, and embarrassment thus deepening my depression and lessening the reserves that I have been relying on to hang on with. What made making the decisions about my job, taking time off, and spreading of ashes all the harder is that these are the types of decisions that Phyllis and I would've made together. This has been the first time that I have been "slapped in the face" with the realization that our "together" is only in memory now and I have to do what is best for me - no matter what anyone else thinks, says, or how I would have done things if Phyllis was still alive. In short Mel I guess I'm saying, take care of you first.... no matter what. I was a caretaker for Phyllis for several years before she died and I'm struggling to learn how to care for myself as well as I did her - it's more difficult than I thought it would be. Also, I'm fairly angry that I didn't get a Disney movie ending where miracles come jumping out of the woodwork and a rat wearing big white gloves and shoes returns Phyllis and Molly to me. I hate the platitudes, the long nights, and the fact that another damn holiday is just around the corner and that I have no reason or desire to celebrate it. Especially since the holiday celebrates just how much "God" sacrificed for me - He took my Phyllis and Molly, they were my world - we're even now. But I will go to a family celebration - more so they feel better, not me - at least I will know why I'm there. This whole situation sucks big time Mel - there's no getting around that, but we can make it better, by not making it worse. Take Care - Betty

I've written pages and pages since my wife passed...........what I've been unable to find in my words.........I have found in yours......Take Care - betty