Cricket

Everyone's messages have reminded me that the most important thing is what Dad wanted to do with his body, and how it makes me feel is secondary. I get queasy in all medical situations, especially if its something my mom or dad had to endure. Hearing LeeAnn's situation, having to clean up after her loved one died shook me up. I just dont have a stomach for these things. Hospitals also upset me immensely, and someone told me once, "They upset everyone, no one likes the hospital" but I think it rattles me a little more than most.

Thank you both for your thoughts. While I dont think my mom shouldn't have consented to donating his organs, and I do know that's what Dad wanted, it makes me uneasy. I think it's the idea that after someone's death we realize how attached we were to his physical presence and dont want to see it desecrated at all. I still have to get used to the idea of him as a memory/life force instead of a physical guy. Thats a big transition in thought to make. Marty T- I ordered the control-your-anger CD you recommended and it still hasnt come- this must be the first test to see if I can control my anger! haha.

We buried my dad's ashes this past saturday. I didnt think it would be such an important event, but there was some feeling of finality in it. He was an organ donor and the hospital had taken skin for burn vicitms, and his arm and leg bones. Everyone says "Thats great, he'll be helping so many people" but every time it comes up I feel queasy and like he's been violated, even though it was his decision. I guess no one llikes to think of their loved ones as meat and harvested parts. Has anyone felt this way about their organ donor deceased relatives?

Hello Marty T Thank you for suggesting that CD- Ive ordered it and we'll see what happens. The worst thing that could happen is that I relax! I also liked the quotes about anger- the one by Mark Twain especially resonated with me. That anger is tricky, toxic stuff. It happened again in the supermarket today, waiting for the guy to get my order at the fish section. I try not to put myself in situations that I know will make me angry. Sometimes, its unavoidable. Tomorrow I'm going to a park to take a walk, I think walking does help you sort things out better than staying stationary. Thx again.

And I dont feel any better after I lose my temper, in fact, I feel worse. In addition to the normal irritations of life, Ive also got to watch my sister and niece make designs on the life insurance settlement check she got from Dad dying. Also, my niece (who is 24) is not beyond stealing any cash my mom has around the house. I nearly exploded when I heard this and am afraid to go visit my mom because it might come out and it will be ugly for all involved. BUT... This forum has helped alot in sorting things out. I hope you, LeeAnn, will give yourself a pat on the back.

I've been losing my temper more than ever in my life lately. I'm worried I'm going to do something irreparable.

Yes. Sometimes I guilt myself into thinking of all the (meaningless) things I could be doing if I sit down for a minute. And from what Ive seen so far, its takes practice to make yourself relax. And I think it doesnt come as easily to women for some reason.

All sound, insightful advice. Thank you again. I find myself sometimes talking out loud when I'm alone, to my Dad, and asking him questions that have got me perplexed about his death. After he died I asked my mom if I could take his work boots- she thought it was odd but they are full of his character, and remind me of him completely. When I feel brave, I take them out and put them on the floor in front of me and the floodgates open. This whole thing has taught me 2 things so far: #1: little insignificant irritations of life that used to get me upset for days just glance off me now because Ive dealt with something much worse, so his death has given me a better perspective on life's little annoyances. #2-even before he died I wasnt taking care of myself in terms of stress reduction, and it became very clear after the stress backed up on me after he died. My body totally shut down in a flu that made me lose my voice, as well as other clear signs of too much stress in my life. I'm not used to having to TRY to take time to relax (I always thought relaxation was automatic, you do or dont relax naturally) but if I dont, it will make me sick. Oh, and #3- you learn infinite amounts about your family members and friends through their reactions to death.

Oh, I forgot to mention my finances are in ruin because I havent been able to work as much. Theres no part of your life that goes untouched when someone dies. And truthfully, I'm delaying dealing with his death, just swallowing it until I can take it apart a piece at a time, but I know this isnt a healthy approach.

Dealing with the after effects of my Dad dying has been awful. I had jury duty yesterday, but got sick with a flu on the weekend and spent it in bed. I slogged through the jury duty and went to work at 6:00 after a long day of trying to get myself off a case. (I'm a teacher at night). At work, a problem student who has been testing me since the beginning of the semester, very immature guy, finally pushed my last button. (In addition to being sick, having jury duty, being an emotional wreck, my cat got a urinary tract infection and we nearly killed each other when I tried to unsuccessfully bring him to the vet last week. He's still sick.) So I lost my temper with the student and shouldnt have as a teacher, but as a human it was my last straw. I feel totally smashed down today, emotionally. Im sure the flu was a result of not eating right and all the stress. I cant see the light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Yes, why do I take on worries that dont matter now when Ive already got plenty. Ridiculous. I know, my mom can make her own decisions. I just wish she'd make different ones!

MartyT Thanks for clearning that up- the internet can so easily twist information and then twist and re-twist it. Some of the worst episodes I have involve watching my sister take control of my mothers life and give her no say in the matter or any common respect. Shes bulldozing through my moms life and its sickening to watch. She does it under the guise of "helping" when in fact she wont even let my mom finish a sentence or voice an opinion. She has always been like this but now its worse. I cant stand to watch it, but when I visit my mom tells me shes happy to have me there, just so she can have someone basically decent to talk to. It makes me imagine scenes of when my mom dies, which will be a huge, ugly deal. So far I feel like mourning is like catching the flu plus an emotional component.

Hi LeeAnn Yes these days off from work have been a god send, Im a teacher and need to be constantly turned on mentally, theres no room for even sitting back to relax a minute. The worst part is that I know what I should be doing but dont have the energy to do it, I just want to lay down somewhere soft! Today is my dad's birthday, he wouldve been 75. I have miniature breakdowns about every 2 days. I feel ok in the mornings when I naturally have more energy but at night I am very vulnerable to that sinking feeling. I keep checking "The 7 stages of grief" to see where I am and if I have moved into a different stage, I want this emotional drain to be over.

Thanks. Im taking a couple days off work tomorrow and friday, but last night at work couldnt even concentrate, wasnt doing nearly the job I normally do. Ive read a few sites that list the stages of grief and they say that the stages might not come in that order for you. It makes me doubly sad to see my mom trying to be super-bouyant for her kids when I know she wants to collapse like the rest of us have been allowed to do. My lease in my apt. was coming to a close and I wanted to move but cant fathom it right now, so Ill stay here a while longer while I get my head together.

Thank you LeeAnn for all your effort. Your posts do help. One of the worst feelings I have right now is that I feel like a layer has been stripped off of me, and that I'm incredibly fatigued and a shell of my former self. I feel reduced in every way. I don't even know what to do to make myself feel better. I feel like Im forcing myself to do simple tasks and would rather lay face down on the floor and sigh. haha.