loving denny

i would first like to apologize to the friends that i have made here when i just disappeared, especially you boo i got logged out of here one day and realized that i had no idea what my password was, what name i was under and it was just a "cluster"!!! i haven't been able to post in quite sometime and i am so glad to be back, this place has helped me out so much!!! the times are still very, very lonely and i am just heartsick without denny. the last time i posted i had gone to the area of land where my love drew his last breath on this earth and began his new journey a coworker of my baby's drove me out to where he and denny worked saturday morning cutting wood out of the area, denny had sent his coworker on after filling his truck and told him that he would be right behind him, he had a half dozen pieces fo wood to toss on his truck and he would be out, well his co worker, kenny, went on out since his truck was ready and somewhere in a short time frame after that denny was taken with a massive heart attack at age 49, he had been 49 years old for approx one month and one day th is being a saturday morning that this happened, and recieving a call from denny saying i'm on my way home hunny, what's for dinner??? it got later and later and i heard nothing from him and hate to admit this but i ws getting rather pissed, because if denny said he was on his way, he was on his way!!! the area that they were cutting wood i had no clue how to find, and denny and i didn't live together all the time, we shared both places, so since i didn't know where he was cutting wood nor the name of the coworker who wass with him, i sat, and sat until monday morning....they foiund him on that day, but no one knowing about denny and i......i wasn't told until the monday after that. my love and soulmate by that time had been celebrated in a service and he was cremated. i was distraught!!!! the coworker, kenny, knowing that it had happened to me came to me and ask if i would like to go where dennis had been found. he cried, i cried and things took a turn right about there for me. if you read my last post, i felt that to be a very warm and welcoming spot, dennis loved the summer time. a beautiful tree bloomed cords of woods stacked around t he area. well, for me kenny, and a couple other guys that worked with denny gained permission form the owner of the property to keep that spot secluded well away from the buildings going up, then the guys built a small fence around the area and place personnal effects of my loves there. we have planted beautiful flowers and made a shrine for denny. i go there often and went there just last week and found that a lawn chair had placed out there with alittle note saying it was from the guys we keep it beautiful there and i am so thankful that "the guys" gave me that wonderful place where my baby was when he passed into God's hands. I also think they were awesome to bring me the char!! they gave me a wonderful gift that no dollar amount could ever touch!!! Now i can go visit and talk with denny and it has lightened my heart, and he has beautiful color surrounding him and he will be blessed with a beautiful summer....i love you denny and i so wish that i could just come get you and bring you home baby. but i know that we will meet again one day and i know you will be right there waiting to see me hunny and i will run into your arms then and stay for eternity baby.gone from my life for 2 months today and it still feels like yesterday!! thank all of you for listening to me carry on, but i have missed having this gift and i am sooooo glad to be back i love you denny and i still think about you 24/7, keep pushing me to keep moving baby, it helps me!!!

thank you Kathy wasn't sure if anyone could understand that. i am so sorry for your loss also, and do understand now just knowing the place, being able to touch, sit, see, and yes breathe in that same place is soooooooooooo comforting to me. since denny was cremated i have no site to visit other than this and i would go mad if i didn't have it i believe. the guys that worked with denny have roped off the area where other construction traffic can't go thru it now and told me that they had done something special for us there, and i am looking forward to going there in a couple days to see what they did for their friend an co-worker. funny how i can see now too just how many people loved the same man that i did. in 3 days i hit the one month mark and i have to say that there are minutes in every day still that feels like it just hapened moments ago. this journey is going to be the ride of my life i can see, and having warm caring people like yourself who can understand just exactly how i feel is a Godsend to me, He knew that i would need guidence thru this journey and has sent me here, where i do find it because of people like you and all the others. thank you again for sharing with me, it is much appreciated and so very much loved. i'm also glad that denny's place has given me comfort. amazing that a place that i was terrified in the beginning of all this, as ever going to see, has become the very place that i feel closer to my best friend, lover and who would have been my husband this next month. thank you again Kathy, hope we talk again....

well, yesterday was very different.... in a small clearing, ground still packed down from all the traffic thru the area, i was taken to the place where my love took his last breath. the place where i walked to and sat down made denny's co-worker, a mountain of a man, cry...."that's where he passed" i heard him say. my God, no wonder that spot was so warm and welcoming. i smiled and sat there and talked with the love of my life for more than an hour, cried alot too, oh did i cry.....i shared alot of my pain with denny and felt so much tension leave my body. denny loved summer so much and in this clearing there is a flowering tree that was just breathtaking...surrounded by all these cords of wood and downed trees, there it stands....amazing. it hasn't all sank in quite yet, but i needed to go there and am so glad that i did.. and i will continue to go back until i can make it without the place where my best friend and love of my life made his way to heaven. i still cry all the time and still very raw, but my dreams and little things around me keep me moving forward, even when i don't want to. just had to share this, thanks for reading. i love you denny.........

awwwwww boo, you've become such a dear to me and i wish i had the magis words to make all this go away!!! i have become attached also to a security blanket and don't know were i would be without them. you are such a strong woman hun, and i know you will get to the other side of this also. i am so so very sorry that things keep getting in the way, but i think that's a way that life has to keep us up on our feet....you are awesome in my eyes and i know that you will come out on top!! my thoughts and prayers are now with you (i've been able to share those feelings now) and i have no doubts hun, the wicked will pass and the calm will settle in again...always have you in thought boo, you've helped me up many many times. let me know how you are okay? your friend from across the ocean

dear carah, i am soooooo sorry for your loss, i lost denny just 5 days before u lost chris. i feel and felt alot of the same feelings you're having. the not being able to breathe caught my attention...gosh did i have that problem!! i have also returned to work and sometimes find it hard to cope with the real world, i know denny would be proud of the baby steps that i've taken to try and get a grip as i call it. not a minute of the day passes without memories of him running through my mind. yes i still cry alot, i do mean alot, but i did laugh the other day when i was trying to do something that he would normally do for me, because i could see his handsome face beaming with pride when i managed to get that nail straight in on the deck!!!! i understand your pain and feel the same as u do, but coming here to read and post have helped me through many many hours of gut wrenching grief!! keep coming here and tell you feelings because someone here has always helped me back up when i was sure i was down to stay. we feel lost now, and i do mean that...but maybe there's a way back. your son...bless his heart, may God be with you both and you have found a place where caring people will help you in any way theycan to get through this horrible time in life.....write and keep writing carah sending you a big hug.....((((((carah)))))))

hi again, and yes i realte to your feelings very much so. it was 3 weeks yestrday since the love of my life passed, and yestrday was the first day i had taken steps outside. funny thing about that was i wasn't able to go back in to my little dark cave after that, i went out and enjoyed some sunshine and fresh air, helped to clear the mind in a sense. i don't feel that anyone can relate to me ither, my family doesn't seem to understand and i'm affraid that i'm going to get wrapped up in that dark place, and let's just say it scares the hell outta me. i think about denny every minute of every day and i want you to know that we share so many of the same feelings even though we are probably very different. keep cominghere to post and i have found some amazing strengh here that i wouldn't ordinairly have found anywhere else. know that i am so sorry for your loss, because i share the same loss............but no matter what today i'm getting on the harley and ge out and feel some wind in my face, because denny would want me to do just that,doesn't mean the darkness that feels my heart is going to go away today....one minute at a time is how i started, now we go an hour at a time...and if that doesn't help we go back to a minute.....

he was so young kay, one of the very hard parts of having him leave this world...and beautiful inside and out. i had a good day out, but the first inital steps were very hard to take. getting to the truck was hard, it's been parked there since the funeral. but with alittle chuggin' and puttin' around we were both off and the down the road to tend to business. i hated it, but it was a beautiful day and he fresh air felt good. denny would have wanted me to feel life again, he loved he sunshine and every part of spring and summer. he was a construction worker after all and i guess that he's still enjoying some things. i want him to be around me and maybe sometimes be proud of me for these little baby steps that i'm taking. i think he is too because it's his voice in my head that pushes me to continue to live here insteadof curl up and give up all. i feel him more now than i did at first, maybe the numbness is wearing off enough where i can.what do you think? i still hold his pillow tight and have fallen to sleep easier thn before, but time will tell. i realize i will have good days and bad. each day that makes another week he's been gone from me is still a monster, and i will have to learn how to cope with that one somehow. thank you and he was a beautiful wonderful loving man. and a very hard worker i might add. all his things are still where they were the day that he left me....they will remain there awhile longer too, until i'm strong enough to move past that also....thank you for being here

thank you boo, i don't know what iwould do without your words of encouragement and knowing that i'm normal when i feel so far from that. i have a friend who is with me, if not in person on the phone and she helps me out so much. i did sleep for the first time in avery long time it seems, up every couple hours but found that my thoughts had started to settle abit and it wasn't instant cluster @!!##!! i still reach for him all night thru but have found that holding his pillow close to me has helped alot, i don't know what i will do when his scent is gone, but i know that washing that pillowcase won't happen for a very long time. his clothes and work clothes are still in the hamper and won't make it to the laundry for a long time either...everything is still the same right down to his bath towel hanging next to mine, also haven't made the bed since he left! i know in time that all this will change, just right now i can't. tried the toast thing and it worked but didn't push it much yet. i feel like a foal just getting it's legs and it's a struggle that i have found to be one i'm going to fight to have. denny and cliffy (which i felt heartwarming) are important pieces here and i never really looked at being able to make him proud of me now, but will. thank you boo, maybe all is not lost of denny....much love and graditude,,,u are awesome

well, here we sit again at 2:40 am, i always see these hours thru. never use to, would be long asleep by now , curled up to the small of denny's back. i took that peace for granted, how easy it was to fall asleep and dream, wake up to each new morning with the love of my life buried over his head under the comforter!! i miss that so much! that sleepy little grin that would cross that handsome rugged face, and yes that amazing smack on the butt as i crawled out of bed...all things that i never pictured myself being without. do i feel i took my lover for granted...oh yes. did he know how much i loved him when he was taken from me? my baby laid there for many hours before anyone stumbled across him...i only wish that i would have felt my own heart scream for life with him. i have no place to go and visit with him or talk to him...seems everyone but me has gotten a grip and are inching their way up. and here i sit, sinking farther and farther from the reality that denny will never hold me again in those strong arms and assure me things will be okay. i still have a hard time living in reality and later this morning i have to go out into the public for the first time since since he passed.OMG i just don't know if i'm gonna get thru this or not. still don't eat and no sleep and feel like i'm outisde of myself watching myself struggle to survive each passing minute of each and every day that the love of my life is gone....this is HELL, i'm sure of it.

i read your story and knew that i had to reply because we are at the exact same place together.i lost denny 3 weeks ago from a heart attack while he was at work, he had just turned 49 march 3,2009. i have the same feelings that you have and i really have found that coming in here helps, and i know that we have our own demons to deal with when we're alone. deny was my life and my bestfriend, my lover, my whole world. i still can't believe that he's gone and i'll never see him again. i don't eat and i don't sleep because i don't have my partner with me, i so miss his presence with me. i never woulld have thought that he wouldn't return from work that day, he seemed to be the picture of health. my heart is completely torn apart and i know just exactly how you feel at this very minute that i write this. remember that i will be here for you if you need someone to listen and i do now that being able to talk about denny helps me in some way....but i wonder just how long this dark road really is. but i'm guessing we're normal, we've had part of our being ripped from us, recovering from that can't be anything close to easy. i am sorry for your loss hun, and i know your pain.........and i am here, i don't know if i can be of any help cuz i'm out there too, but will give it all i have hun.....those racing thoughts, i still have them 24/7 and i hang onto every memory that i have of denny because i never wanna forget. i also sleep with his shirt flannel, because his scent is still there and in an amazing way i find comfort in that. hang on and i wil keep you company through this dark time , i'm not sure if i'm coming or going but i'm still rightthere with you....

oh thank you so much boo for reaching out to me, i feel so angry most of the time that being around people has not been an option. the wound being as fresh as it is even the words of kindness from others is sometimes like rubbing salt in the wound. when i hear "i know how you feel" from those that don't have a clue, i just want to scream. and to hear that it will all get better in time........well i wonder my God how long is that going to take, and then realizing that when 2 hearts join and love this intensley there is no time for things to ever get easier. i've even heard rumors of another woman, or womwn, i've not been able to even begin to address that issue and won't allow that to interfere with my grieving!! can u imagine people that bring that kind of s*** to the table!!! i would love to add you as a friend if u would allow me to because in ur own story and blog that i've read, i see so much similar things about the people that we are. i always seen myself as a strong person like you seem to be, but we don't share that because i have found that i am very much a weaker link in hat grey area. i would have married the love of my life this year and now, just like hhim "poof" my happiley ever after is gone. i will keep posting here because without this i don't know if i would curl up and die to maybe, this pain is intennse enough to take down things much larger than i and i battle the demon of darkness every minute of every day. night time is most terrifying tome.....hmm wonder why at times and at other times just prepare for battle the best way i know how. again thank you for reaching out to me, i needed you more than you will ever possibly know!! i am so sorry that your heart was taken from you so quickly, and ever for that matter and i CAN honestly say that i do know how you feel....thank you boo

under my last post there was some confusion. my heart, what is left goes out to all others who have lost their partner in life, but i am grieving denny and looking for comfort from his loss, so to look on my topic and see that there has been a mix up with people was just abit more than i was able to take at that time. i know loss, great loss and i am just looking for a way through this very dark place with no light in my life to light the way.i'm up at these crazy hours all the time and can't wait for my life to find some balance here, and yet know at the same time that it may never happen. seldom do i venture out the door of my home because i'm affraid of what i don't know!!!! i'm missing my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my heart, and my reason to live...dennis l. kohn...gone 2 weeks from this world and my life. i am physically sick at times, don't eat, don't sleep, i now know what the meaning of "cat nap" is and i hate it!!!! i'm angry with god and angry with everything seems like. i'm going through a vicious cycle that is tearing away what is truely left of my heart and soul., my view on things is so much different, and is ever changing. am i going crazy? sometimes i think so, and in these wee hours of the morning i'm tortured to my limits!! i have to wonder if morning and mourning are connected that way. i miss that face, that smile, and oh god that laugh...what if heaven doesn't really exsit and i wll never see my baby again...can life really end up being that cruel? when the coroner told us that he was "gone" before he ever hit the ground...do they really know that? did he suffer? does anyone but dennis know that? why wasn't i there? why couldn't i keep him home that day?are there answers for any of these questions??????i'm feeling more and more anxious every passing minute and trying to keep a grip on reality is harder and harder to do. this afternoon i pulled out my cell phone and called his....how bad is that and can't even remember what i had to tell him or what question i was gong to ask!!! but when that voice came across the wire....hey this is dennis, leave your name and number and i'll get back with ya...and if this is you baby i luv ya and will call ya right back.........ouch, but yet that voice and the i luv you just shook my soul to it's core....that's all i have for now, time to cry and try to hang on for another round of horrific pain.....thanks for being here.........and i am sorry to each of you that has felt this loss because i do know what it feels like. the gates of hell have opened up where i live........

i am so very sorry for your loss lucia, amd i feel your pain because it is the same pain that i feel after denny's death april 4, 2009, on record as april 6,2009. i know the emptiness well, and crying is something that i've become very good at. i came here to be able to talk about dennis and hear others share their stories. i'm up in the wee hours of the morning usually because the night hours seem to bring on most of the pain. they say take iy one day at a time, i've found that sometimes i have to take it minute by minute....i'm here for you and will add you and ben to my prayers,,,grief is more of a monster to me, i fear it and dread it...but so far i am making it to the next day even though i don't look forward to them anymore...again i am so very sorry lucia

hi, i'm joanna and i just got in your boat hun...denny, the love of my life died 2 weeks ago at age 49, 1 month and 1 day after his birthday he's "poof" gone. i came here to find others that would know what i am feeling and maybe help me deal alittle easier, numb, shock, dispear, emptiness, and right now i really have no idea which way is really up. i am so, so,so sorry for your loss and i can honestly say that i do know how you feel with all that's left of my heart. i know dennis would want me to go on and be happy in life but at the same time can't begin to imagine how that's ever going to be possible...so please "ramble" on, i'm listening and will be rambling with you hun. i do wonder how you can come out of the darkness when the light of your life is gone...hope to find that answer. my prayers include you now also............joanna

kay, thank you thank you thank you, i have read your reply many times and i can feel warmth in my heart deep down in there....so i know that i'm still alive!! thank you for letting me feel that....and you are do right i belive our marriage had already begun, we were working our way to God for his blessing is all. I know that he wouldn't want me to feel this way and i know he didn't want to leve me, but i still feel that God threw me a "curve", and i still feel anger towards God and i know tat's wrong, just the whirlwind thing and i'm a bundle of raw nerves feels like. Than you for your kind words they touched me deeply.......Joanna

OMG, what a Godsend you are Shelly!! Thank You for talking with me....i have no idea who i really am anymore and that really scares me...i miss denny's breathing sound and the very breath on my face thru the night. all the things that were simple and pure are the things that i miss the most. took me my lifetime to find him and "poof" gone just like that. i tried so hard not to love him in the first place and it just couldn't be stopped my heart was with him probably from the second that i laid eyes on him!! i'm so glad that i showed him each and every day how much he meant to me and have very few regrets there, just a couple maybe, when i could have got that extra kiss or that extra hug and just didn't,,,,,,now i can't tell when real life is going on and when this feeling of being "out there" is going on...could very well be at the same time. denny has been cremated and i have no place tha i can go to talk to him, so i do go to the home where we loved each other many nights. we hadn't moved in together yet, wre just starting to talk about the long term together. driving out to the house on the 2 occassions that i have the overwhelming grief just takes over, i sob...not cry when i turn on the road that he lived on, and seeing everything around there just as he left it well there are no words to explain that. i sleep with his shirt because i can still "smell" his sweet scent, i don't feel like i'm in the real world anymore and i only hope that i can function in the real world as i return to work next week. denny was construction and had just returned to work alittle over 2 weeks ago, so we shared alot of time together over the winter months! cuddling and talking for hours and hours on the couch in front of the fire that he always built to hot and we'd have to crack the window!! God i miss him and i really wish i could lay with and sleep along side him forever as well. again thank you for reaching out to me..now i don't feel quite as alone as i did because you lost your love to...i too am so very sorry for your loss...please share more about rich, i would love to hear...sincerely......joanna P.S. pure HELL is so right, plus+

thank you for your kind words of support kay, his family has been very comforting even though they have never met me and hthey have said that they will make me a part of the picture sorting and little things, which i am sooooooooo grateful for. i wish that i could have met them sooner, but denny and i wanted to get to know each other first and well.....i am thankful that they are welcoming, and i am thankful for this site where i can say things that i need to say. i miss denny soooooooooooo much....joanna

thank you soooooooo much Kath, and I am glad that I have found this site, because without i I don't know what I would do really. Thank you for your words of support, but at this time i can't see it not ever hurting intensely!! But, I know..............just don't know, does that make sense....Joanna

still can't pull things together it seems, i wake up crying, that is of course when i do fall asleep. i still reach for dennis in the night and sometimes wake up and wonder if he's already up and getting ready for work....then this overwhelming, gut wrenching pain takes over my being and reality hits me square in the face!!! my baby is gone,,,,,,,,,,not going to hear his breathing when i fall asleep at night, and even that raspy snoring habit that chimed in from time to time....oh God i had no idea that someday i would think of that as music to my ears!!! i stumble around things in the house and never really quite know whwere i'm suppose to be going or what i'm doing for that matter. i hold onto things as i walk along because my legs still shake and i know that they will give out if i have to go much farther!!! how do i get it together in my head??when does this whirlwnd of emotions and scrambled thoughts settle down?? sometimes i feel like i can't breathe....and i have no idea how i will live life without my life her beside me. when i met dennis i had to fight hard for him because he was determined he wasn't going to have a relationship with anyone that was serious, he'd been married and divorced, but i hung in there and then it all came to light...the night that he told me he was falling in love with me, awwwwww i still remember everything about that, the look on his face, that beautiful smile and those eyes...........you could see into his soul. we became a couple and planned a beautiful life together, we both worked crazy hours. 60-70 hours per week, but never did we not have time to sit and cuddle after a hot shower and talk about our day. denny had been worrried about my health, and my heart.....and when he left for work that morning, he was amazingly chipper, gave me a warm wet kiss good-bye and even bellowed he loved me as he got in his truck.....time stands still after that as i watch im leave the drive and i think that when he gets home later maybe i will do something special for him, backrub, cater to his needs...never having a clue that i would never see my baby in that form again. and that days would go by where i would have no idea what had happened to him...... it's like he fell off the face of the earth!!! what am i going to do??? people don't seem to think that i've lost anything important because i wasn't married to the man that i am so much in love with....i'm glad that i never took him for granted while he was here, but i feel cheated because his heart wasn't suppose to stop like that...........i am forever changed and have no idea what road to take to find what ever part of me is out there. i love you denny, you're the beat of my heart baby and if i could take your place i would...but i know tha you wouldn't want that...you want me to live and i just don't know how baby..........i love you baby and i miss you with all that i am

i lost the love of my life on april 4. 2009 from a massive heart attack while he was at work. days had gone by before i was able to find out what had happened to denny because i had never met his family. we had decided to take our relationship slow because of amny mistakes we'd each made in our past and wanted to get to know one another without interference from family and friends. this sounded good at the time, but when he passed no one knew to get in touch with me. after being angry, mad and you name it at deny for not getting in touch with me, i went to his home ready to confront whatever it was thaat was keeping him away. in the drive was his work vehicle and truck, as if he we're home. i went to the door, pounded and went inside and looked everywhere but found no sign. then i place a note with my concern for his well being on the door and left. i came home an started researching newspapers and found his obituary, that moment my world blew apart........i felt guilty for being angry at him, i felt so empty and alone. so i spent that day and the following day soboing and feeling like my heart had been ripped out. then the phone rang it was from denny's house, and i couldn't answer the phone for some reason at that moment. i called the voicemail amd listened as she gave her sympathy for the loss of someone i care for so much, her brother. i called back and his little brother andswered the phone. their voices sooooo very much alike, and he apologized and said he hadn't thought about that before picking up the phone. he then shared how i lost denny, and tried to help me gain some inner peace with it all, said they would be keeping the numbers left on the note so that when they got around to giving out pictures and other memories that they would call and make sure that i was involved and had some things of my own. also offered to let me come out to denny's home and help with the upkeep, which warmed my heart. just knowing that i now had his family with me made a big difference, but this pain is more than i can take at so many different times of the day. i wonder if i will ever be the same? denny's heart