LostnEmpty

I haven't posted since I first had my baby in the summer. I've missed everyone on this forum who had been so supportive of me when my boyfriend died in February of 2009. It's been a long and hard journey for me and still continues to be but my baby girl definitely keeps me busy so I don't have the chance to really be as sad as I was when I was still pregnant with Tabitha. There have been so many times I wanted to post but either I didn't have the time or when I did I couldn't think of anything to write. I hope the people that are on here are doing better these days. I see a lot of new people on this forum and that makes me sad to know more and more people are going through what we all already have been through. It is so hard to lose someone you care about, your heart and soul, your other half, die. This site has definitely helped me through my worst. I still have those moments where I still can't believe I am living without Marc and I wish I didn't have to because it's so hard to go on. I truly feel for everyone on this site especially the ones who have just recently lost their partners because I think the first year is really the hardest- well at least it was for me. Well I have to go for now, take care everyone. Here is a recent pic of my little angel, she is already 9 months old!

thank you for your advice Kath. I don't need anything and here in PA we have a program called WIC which helps with providing formula, milk, juice,eggs and cheese. I am on that program because it helps out with the formula since it can be so expensive so i am okay in that department. I try to take naps when Tabitha is napping but it can be hard especially when i need to do things like washing and making bottles and laundry. I do have a sling that i can put her in so i will probably try that around the apartment like you did. I do cry when i need to since i can't really stop myself and i am always thinking about Marc. Right now i am typing with one hand and i am holding Tabitha with the other and she is falling asleep i just wish i didn't cry so much all the time and whenever i talk to Tabitha about her father.

Thank you all for the compliments on my daughter. Kath, I have been keeping a journal of letters to Marc for the past few months but I haven't been able to write in it lately as much as i would like because I am so busy with Tabitha. I have gotten 2 visitors to see Tabitha. One was a friend from my job and the other was a friend from my sister's job. Boo, I don't have the support of Marc's family because all they care about is money and that's all they cared about even when Marc was alive. The only family I have is my sister and mother and they try to help when they can but they have their own lives to deal with. My sister has a 1 1/2 year old and he is a handful. I don't have many friends and the 3 that i do have are busy with their families. I hate to say it but motherhood sucks because I am doing this all on my own without my boyfriend Marc. If he was here I would be happy- we would be happy. Everything is so difficult and I don't have time for anything. I know I should see a therapist but i just don't have the time to, I barely have time to brush my teeth! I have an appointment with my psyhchiatrist next week and i am going to ask him to increase my meds which will hopefully help me in all of these additional horrible and sad feelings I've been experiencing lately. I also won't be able to come on this website as much but i will try to because I need to and everyone here is so supportive. Thanks for listening to me babble on. Talia

Thank you all for the congratulations. I am trying to stay strong for Tabitha but it is really difficult because I keep on thinking about Marc and how he should be here sharing these moments. He was looking forward to the birth of our baby so much and it's just not fair that he was taken away from us. I am sad and cry all the time because I miss him so much. It is so difficult having to do this without him and on my own. i hope these feelings and insecurities go away soon, it is really taken a toll on me. Here is a picture of my beautiful little angel.

Just want to let you all know I had my baby Tabitha on July 7th at 4:19 pm. she weighed 7lbs 9oz and is 17 1/2inches. She looks just like Marc. This is all so bittersweet for me. My emotions are so out of control but I love my baby so much and find that she is worth all of the sadness and increased depression I am experiencing now. I will post again and put up a picture of her next week.

I thought that was a really nice poem and it made me cry thinking about my Marc. I hate it so much that there is no solid evidence or proof of the afterlife and people here like all of us are left to wonder what happens to our loved ones. I and am sure many here want to and hope there is an afterlife so we can look foward to reuniting with our loves when our time comes. But it is really hard not truly knowing for a fact that it exists yet I continue to hope because I need to believe that I will be with Marc again. Personally I have never been afraid of dying and i continue to not be afraid of it. Actually I have always looked forward to it but then i met Marc and i had a reason for wanting to live for as long as possible. Now since he died, a part of me wants to go so i can be with Marc but the other bigger part of me doesn't want to go because I want to be with our baby- i need to be with our baby and there is no way I would ever leave her without her mother especially since i am all she has. So now our baby is my reason and only reason to want to live and continue on.

No baby yet. I am still anxiously waiting as today is my due date. I see my ob tomorrow for my routine weekly appointments and i wonder if he will want to induce on a specific date if I don't give birth soon. But I will find out tomorrow. Thank you for your concern and your posts.

Boo, I will definitely post when I do give birth to Tabitha. Right now I am 4cm dilated but have no other signs of labor coming soon but I do hope it happens in the next 3 days as i am anxious to hold her in my arms for the first time.

Thank you Kay, Deborah, Kath and Boo for listening to me and caring. Boo I am due June 29th but could go sooner according to my obstetrician. I know I will be happy when my baby is born and she has Marc's looks. I really do hope she looks a lot like him and I expect to have those moments when I will cry because I will see him in her. Tabitha will be a wonderful reminder of a wonderful man that I love so much and i am am lucky to have her- to have that part of Marc with me.

Kath Happy belated birthday!

I can't believe it's been 4 months since Marc's death but it seems like I haven't seen him in forever. I can remember it so clearly- that dreadful day that changed me, my life and will change our baby girl's life forever. i also can't believe I will be giving birth to our girl in less than 9 days without him by my side to experience this joy. It will be such an emotional rollercoaster for me that day- actually it already has been but i know it will be worse that day. I am afraid not of the physical pain i will go through, but of the emotional pain that moment will bring. I have images in my head of what it will be like- I scream for Marc over and over but he is not there to hold my hand and to witness the birth of our Tabitha. I imagine when I have her and I am holding her for the first time i am crying of course and I tell her that I am so sorry her father has left this earth before he could meet her. That day will be so happy but also so sad, i just hope I can get through it because i have barely made it past these 4 months without him. I love and miss Marc so much that it drives me crazy and it hurts.

Kay, It is good to hear that George's birthday brings those feelings of warmth and love to you. Just wanted to wish your George a Happy belated birthday wherever he is watching over you.

Boo, Although I am still experiencing all of those feelings you mentioned like anger, guilt, denial and numbness,etc., I also do feel more sad and hurt more with each passing day. On June 19th it will be 4 months since Marc died. I understand how you need help or an approximation on how long your current feelings will last so you know that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". I feel the same way in that i need some hope that I will be able to survive living this life without the one person I can't live without. Sorry i couldn't give any advice but i just wanted to let you know that i've been having those same feelings lately just as you have. Just like Wendy mentioned if i hear a song it will remind me of Marc and the tears start coming down. But it's not just a song, things like seeing movies we wanted to see or watch together, driving by resturants we've eaten at, and going to stores that we went to together. Pretty much everything and everywhere still gets me very upset. Even going to my orthodontist appointments are so hard that I am transferring to a new office. Marc would take me to all of my appointments and wait for me playing on his cell phone which he had just gotten last year for the first time because of me. It was like a brand new toy for him and i aways have that image of him sitting in the waiting room downloading stuff on his cell phone. He would always send me graphics with messages like "I Love You", "Baby Girl" and blooming roses- one of the many things i miss about him that bring me to tears. I am hoping and waiting for a time when I can think or talk about him without crying my eyes out. I haven't made any posts for awhile but i have been reading other people's posts. I have been busy trying to get things ready before our baby girl is born in just 3 more weeks. Plus I haven't been able to or felt the need to post lately but I think i will end up posting something soon since i am so close to giving birth to Marc's baby and the feelings I have will just become more and more intense that i will need support or just someone to listen. I never thought i would end up having this baby without her father and having to raise her and do everything on my own.

When Marc died this past February I was 5 months pregnant and we were moving in our new apartment. Our plans were to finish furnishing it and to start preparing for the birth of our first baby together. Since we worked at the same job and the same hours he was going to change his hours so both of us could always take care of our baby and we wouldn't have to rely on anyone else to. After our baby's arrival he was going to take off of work for a month so he could be home with us. He was so excited and looking forward to being a father again and I was so excited to be a mother for the first time and to share this with him. We had also planned to get married sometime after our baby's birth. We were going to be husband and wife and have our little girl- a real family. We were going to raise her, take her to dancing classes, go on vacations, watch her go on her first date, and graduate high school together. He also wanted to go dancing with me and I would tell him we will eventually because i always thought we had time- i wish I didn't put that off. We had planned on growing old together. A couple times when we would go out to eat he would point out an elderly couple to me and say "thats going to be us someday" and i agreed. I miss that so much. I miss his touch, his voice, his smell, his smile, his beautiful warm and loving eyes- i miss everything about him. It hurts so much that i will never see him again and that i have to do this all without him especially the part where I have to bring his baby into this world alone and raise her without her father who already loved her so much. Our love for each other was so strong and it grew with each passing day. I just knew he was the one and only man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had know idea that i would only share just over 1 year with him- it's not fair. Since we were 25 years apart i always knew he would die before me but not nearly this soon at the young age of 51. There was so much more he wanted to do and i wanted to do with him in his life.

Partner, I am sorry you have to deal with such inconsiderate family. It is so horrible that they will not let you see your grandsons or give you support in your time of need. They sound like very selfish people. I also have to deal with selfish people in my boyfriend's family. Even when he was alive all they wanted from him was money and nothing has changed since his death. They keep on bugging me to pay for everything that has to do with his funeral since he left me money even though I have already paid a big chunk of it. Marc had left me the money so i can provide for our child i am going to be giving birth to next month and it hurts that none of them care about that. I know how it is to have to deal with family that doesn't care. Even though are specific situtations are different we are still dealing with family issues on top of the deaths of our loves. I also know all to well what it is like to want to just leave this earth and go be with him. I still feel that way everyday but know i cannot act on those feelings for i have Marc's baby to take care of and for me she is the only reason i am still here today and will continue to push through life. You also have a reason to continue on and that is your grandsons. i hope your family soon realizes how insensitive they are being so you can have the relationship that you want and need with those children- they will help you in your time of loneliness and sadness. Maybe you can write your son a letter if you cannot get a hold of him any other way and explain what you are feeling and that keeping his children form you is only making matters worse for you. i don't know what else to suggest and am sorry i cannot be more of assistance. I really hope things work out for you and you get to see those boys. Just keep on trying for your grandsons and for your husband-I know he would want you to.

Hi Wendy, Happy birthday! Hope you have a wonderful one today since you are such a great person.

Boo, I hope you had a great birthday because you really deserve it. I am sorry I am late in writing this.

Thank you Phyllis, Kay and Wendy for listening to me. Phyllis and Wendy I appreciate the offer of you guys wanting to come down and see me, it means so much that you would even consider doing that for me. I wish so much that things could get better and i know when i give birth to Marc's child she will help me through this battle just by being her little, sweet and precious self. I am lucky that Marc has left me with this precious gift- she is the best gift he has ever given me and I truly thank him for that. I can't wait for her to arrive but at the same time I know I will also be sad while I give birth because Marc is not alive to be there the way we assumed he would be. Even though it will be a bittersweet day for me i still look forward to holding our baby in my arms for the first time and many times after. She is a part of Marc and I so I know she will bring me happiness just as he did. Not only does this baby need me but I also need her just as much.

Today is another lonely day as it is everyday since Marc died. I continue to think about him nonstop and all the times we shared together and all the times we are supposed to share together but will now never get the chance to. I always have these moments when it hits me that he is no longer here and I cry uncontrollably as I am doing right now. I wish the pain would let up just a little bit at least but it hasn't. I wish so much that I could see him and feel his touch one last time. I miss him so much, more than I ever thought it was possible to miss another human being. In just 7 more weeks our baby will be born. She will come into this world without ever knowing the wonderful man that is her father and that just rips me apart inside. My dreams of Marc and I bringing her home for the first time, feeding her, changing her diaper, putting her to sleep and everything else couples do with their child will never be. i can't believe those dreams won't be a reality and instead i am left to enjoy and raise our baby girl alone while I have to deal with Marc's death for the rest of my life. There are no joys in my days except knowing that this baby we have created out of our love for each other will soon be here and that she is the only piece of Marc I have left on this earth. As the days go by i find that everytime i feel our baby move it brings me comfort through my eternal sadness in knowing I am not completely alone. Living without the only love of my life is and continues to be so difficult for me.

Dear Carah, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I just want to say that i and many people on this forum know exactly how you feel. Even though it has been just over 2 months since Marc died I still feel hopeless, continue to cry everyday to the point where I can't breathe and just don't know how I will make it through life without him. I can't distract myself either because he is constantly on my mine. i have sleeping problems too. I continue to wake up every 30 or 40 minutes and have a hard time falling back to sleep. When it first happened I was unable to fall asleep at all so my sister called my obstetrician since i am pregnant and he said all I could take was tylenol pm which didn't do a thing for me. Maybe your doctor can prescribe you a good sleeping pill so you will at least get some sleep. Believe it or not you need to sleep now more than ever, it is important because your body is going through so much in dealing with this kind of stress. You mentioned that you keep thinking that life isn't supposed to go on- thats so crazy because I think that every single day. When Marc died the whole world and life should've stopped but it didn't and I hate that so much. It doesn't feel right that life continues on without him. You also mentioned that your son is taking his father's death pretty well. I'm not an expert or anything but maybe he is in shock or numb, and i agree with Mary Linda that he could be in denial as well and that you should show your emotions to him and talk about it so maybe he can open up to. All I can say is that the people here on this site are really supportive and are truly like a family. So it is a good thing you found this site. It especially helps that we are all in the same boat- that we have lost the loves of our lives. Take care.

Phyllis, I am sorry you lost your husband and now your best friend has lost her dad and now you also have to deal with your very ill cat. I lost my boyfriend suddenly right around the time you lost your love, it was on Feb. 19th. We were going to get married sometime after the birth of our baby who is due June 29th. I couldn't even imagine trying to support and be there for someone else after their lost when I am barely hanging on myself. So i think just knowing that you know what it's like to have recently lost someone close to you will help your best friend because you already understand what she now has to go through. I am also sorry to hear that your daughter is having a real hard time with her father's death. I can only suggest that you two stay close with each other- you can both be there for each other and be a shoulder to cry on when you need it. I'm sure you alreedy have been doing that. Just remember you still have a part of your husband in your daughter and you are both lucky to have known him for as long as you have even though it is never really long enough. Maybe your daughter can take Boo's suggestion in joining the loss of a parent forum- it might help her to chat with others in her situation. I wish you two all the best and wish i had something better to say to help.

Wendy, Sorry I know this is 2 days late. It is good to hear that you made it through yours and Steve's anniversary and you lit a candle to commemorate that. I was thinking of doing that on Marc's birthday in November. I'm sure wherever Steve may be he was feeling the same way you were feeling and thinking of all the times you shared together just as you were. If there is an afterlife and I hope there is, Steve probably did something to commemorate your anniversary just as you did. Just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you two.

Boo, I am sorry to hear about your aunt and your neighbor and the fact you had to revisit the hospital your Cliff took his final breath. But i am glad you were able to get through it enough so you could drive home safely. Of course it has left you shaken up- there is no way it could not have affected you. I felt the same way when I had to go up to the house so soon after where i watched my Marc die. I haven't and won't ever have to go to that hospital where they declared him dead but i still relive that moment when they allowed us to see his body in the emergency room and I feel like I'm there all over again. I remember how cold he was when I kissed him for the last time. I still have to go up to that house to grab a couple things and I dread it. i haven't been up there since last month. When and if i go back up there i will be thinking of you and Kay and how you both have had to visit the places where your husbands past away. I just basically wanted to let you know that i understand and have been in that situation and will go through it again one more time and hope to find the strength not to fall apart.

Wendy I do agree with you. When my therapist told me that it would take half the time I was with Marc, it just didn't sound right to me. I know I will never get over the fact he is dead and I will never see him again and I will always be in pain because he know longer has a life to live with me and our baby. I've been thinking about not going to therapy anymore because this is the second therapist I have tried and i just don't see the point in it.

Kay, I'm in no condition to give advice and i wouldn't know what advice to give seeing how i am lost and depressed but i do want to say that i ask those same questions and more everyday. i don't have any answers for them and i wish i truly did. I fully agree with everthing that Boo wrote in her response to you. That you are beautiful inside and out and the fact that you and others on this forum continue to help others like me, give advice and hope while you have suffered and might continue to suffer through your loss as well as other things in your life that seem impossible to handle. You, Marc's baby that i have inside me, and everyone here are my inspiration to keep trying and not give up no matter how much i want to and feel i can't go on. It's hard realizing the tole stress takes on a person but if it can effect us inside then it will effect us out especially all of what everyone here has and continues to go through. But the physical aspect is not important, its who you are and how you survive that is more important. I know that in the last 2 months since Marc's death i don't look the same and the grief and sadness will continue to show as I live on. I hate that fact but it is inevitable for all of us. Anyway just remember to be the wonderful person you are, it outshines anything you may think the stress and grief has done to your looks. I have seen the pictures and you look just as pretty as you did 10 years ago. Even though your in pain I didn't see that in the picture. i hope that helps.