I have rarely told my story. I could probably count on 1 1/2 hands the number of people who have heard me talk about Chad. Chad and I met when we were 15. It was instant attachment. I couldn't tell you why, but literally the day we met, we were best friends. I remember after my friend I left that day, I said "He's so awesome, I can't wait to see him again," and my friend just laughed and thought I meant that I liked him in a boyfriend type of way. The next day I went over to his house, but his mom said he was a few houses down, at his brother's. So I walked over there, and knocked on the door. He opened it and I was just head over heels. Not in a romantic way, but I knew right then he was someone special. Within a few months, we were inseparable. His family became mine, and vise versa. It was hard to tell where he stopped and I started. All of our friends kept asking us if we were dating; my dad was sure that I was in love with Chad. He didn't understand how a teenage girl could spend so much time with a teenage guy, how we could be so close, without dating. Things were different for us. We were madly in love, but in different ways. We often talked about dating each other, or having a more romantic relationship. But we always agreed that we didn't want to lose what we had. So many teenage couples fight and break up over silly little things- we didn't want that for us. We decided that we'd much rather just stay friends forever, rather than chance losing each other over a silly teenage fight. We dated other people, but somehow nobody was ever as important as Chad was to me, and I was to him. We took each other to homecomings and proms, it worked well because we went to different schools. Twice the school dances for me. We vowed that no boyfriend/girlfriend would ever come in between us. As we got a little older, we were closer than two friends usually would be. When we were 18, we decided that we were meant to be together forever, and we ended up having sex. We were each other's first. At the time, it was magical and I thought maybe we were mature enough and ready for a relationship. After all, we knew each other better than anybody else knew us.... fast forward about 5 or 6 weeks. I found out I was pregnant. This was a HUGE shock.... but after a few days of crying and talking, Chad and I decided that it would be ok. We loved each other, we were best friends, and we would be ok. Two weeks later, I miscarried. We had told noone about the pregnancy. However, his mom knew us well enough to realize something was going on. So we confided in her. She was amazingly supportive, very loving. She helped us get through that. Other than her, nobody knows that we had gotten pregnant together. Over the next couple of years, we were as close as ever. We each dated other people, but always joked that if we were both single at 25, we would marry each other. Our parents actually hoped we were serious. There were times when we'd spend days together, just laughing and being with each other. We got each other better than anyone else... some people thought Chad was a little bit of a jerk, but I think they just didn't quite understand his sense of humor. Anyway... it's getting hard for me to talk about this anymore. So I will fast forward to the end. Chad died in July of 2001, in a small town rodeo. He was thrown off a bull, into a fence. He had major head trauma, and he hit at a weird time when his heart was between beats. He died immediately. I was in Ohio visiting a friend when it happened. My brother called out there, had me fly back early. All he would tell me was that it was a family emergency. I did not go to the funeral. In fact, I didn't get out of bed for a week. My dad tried to help me, he drug me out to a therapist, but I wouldn't talk. I didn't say anything more than absolutely necessary for several months. Literally...... my dad was at his wits end. I refused to accept that it had happened. I even started lying to people, telling them that he was just out of town. When this got back to my dad, he tried talking to me about it, and I completely shut down. I buried it, and didn't talk about it to anyone. Almost a year ago, I was two months into therapy for a different set of issues. I took a leap of faith, and confided in my therapist about Chad. He keeps mentioning that I need to deal with the grief, to work through it. He says all kinds of things about it, and I know he is a smart, competent person. But I can't seem to move forward. I refuse to give up this intense sadness, because it's all I have left of Chad. When the intense sorrow fades, I'm afraid the memories and the love with fade as well. I'm not sure if that makes sense.. I'm sure it probably sounds stupid, but I am afraid of NOT feeling this way. Without this, what do I have left of Chad? What if the memories fade? Ok I need to stop rambling.
