pennylayne

It will be my first mother's day without my mom-it will be a drag. I'm running into something I didn't want to notice at first-but it's with me and the anger is big. I'm having alot of flashbacks to growing up-which was not a happy deal. My parents did their best..but it was lacking in love-touch-I was made fun of alot by my mom-for example one day I didn't wear the clothes that day she wanted me to-she burned all the rest. It was one of the worse things. She would get mad and chase me with a carving knife. I was made to feel ugly and unwanted most of the time. she would run around screaming at me 'where's my blue sweater' and when I told her she was wearing it just got smacked. I haven't yet accepted that most of what was suppose my sisters and mine-antiques etc. she gave to my nephew..because he went to college-unlike the two of us. I could go on and on-but my life with her was not happy. I iked having her as a friend the last 15 years-but topics ofthings eing given to my nephew always came up. I objectd alot but it neer happened that they came my way-even when they belonged to me! This happen to any of you? I know I need to work on acceptance.

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I have been there many times-I have had many cats-all different-but a few that were my real loves. It broke my heart when I had to put Romeo down last year. I still think of him alot. It was just torture at the very end-he could not stand up. This makes me so sad. I guess it just happens to most of us that we love and loose our little fur babies. My prayers are with you.

I just have to say Paul-I worked at OMNI magaizne the whole time it came out. when they stopped publishing it it broke my heart. I always thought they ahd great stories and great art. I kinda get the 'protecting' aspect-but I have to say that my husband just didn't know what to do with my grief. In fact, I think in a way he was afraid of it. And I think men feel powerless over us because there is nothing they can do!!!! And when they grieve it becomes something different. All that 'we are men' stuff happens. But, wew are all humans here..and feeling are very much the same. That's why we get the comfort we get.

Thanks! I know that it's going to take a long time before any of this starts to go away--especially the memory part. The weight part I don't know about either. I keep binging and not loosing anything! Sometimes I just hate myself. It's a familiar feeling. My boss has no sympathy at all. In fact, after my om died and I ws trying to tell him I was greiving her loss-he said "My mom died and I went back to work immediately"..."Just have to seperate your personal from work. " Well, that was that..of course I couldn't and haven't been able to, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just sit here and don't now what to do!!!I really understand about the loss of animals. I've lost the two most precious ones in the last two years-and the final one who's just a baby doll-he is getting really old. I also have this thing happening that I see my mom on her death bed-and that ws not a pretty sight. the image just comes into my head and then right back out. It makes me feel sick and sad.

I don't think I've incorporated my dad's death and greiving for him with my mom's. I made peace with my dad in 1995-in the mountains fo Virginia-forgave everything-and it was wonderful. My mom is a different story. I loved her-she was a crazy lady who did so much service that she had a front page write up in the paper about just all she had done. she started handicapped swimming when there was none-worked with women with cancer-women how were widowed-struggeling kids-she was amazing. Thinking of what she did makes me tired!!!! nstead of drinking, I overate-I binged just about every day and put on 40 lbs.!!!! That's amazing to me...and now I'm trying to take it off..that is really hard to do. So, my memory is not better at all..... guess I don't care if I remember what I ate yesterday-but the fact still stands that I forget just about everything. And my job is to remember things for my boss! How long can this last???????

I'm glad I'm not alone. It feels so weird to forget-and just like you I can forget in the moment. Sometimes-I don't remember what was just said to me!!!!I'm 57 so I never know if I'm just having a senior moment-or does this happen to everyone? I can forget what I ate yesterday!!!!!

Shell-thank you so much. It's just I never did this-when my dad died I was out drinking my head off-but have ben sober for 15 years now andthings certainly are different! I get afraid sometimes of the forgetting and feel just like I'm going crazy. I do the same at work but now as bad. I've gotten into rouble around that a couple of times. I've only been on ths jo since September-and up until my mom died-I was calling her all the time and then when she went into hospice care and I called three times a day-I could hear her dying over the phone. So, I wasn't concentrating on the job-and now that she has died-I'm still not concentrating on the job!!!! I'm amazed they haveen't fired me!!!!

It's been two months since my mom died on Feb 4th-and a month since my aunt died. I've been forgetting things-not just little things-but will be in the middle of a discussion with my husband and he'll mention something that just happened and I can't remember it. I feel tired and achey alot-just want to sleep basically. I don't cry anymore inthe mornigs-but still reach for the phone to call her. Like I left the house last week and forgot my money-transit card-all that I need for the day. Then another time I walked out without my glasses on. Now, senior moments they could be, but I still think it's part of grief. Anyone else having this or had this experience?

I think the posting and being here with all of you brings me comfort. I feel that very little in my life-especially around grief. I'm up in NYC-so-the winters are cold and ugly and the summer is hot and ugly. But I love it here!

I'm really glad we are all here!!!!!! I'd take the chocolate cake and you all!!! Grief is so hurtful-and it keeps driving me crazy-but I have to say I think this posting is helpng me. We get through our nightmares-our losses-and keep on truckin. I think work has helped a little-I hate my job and it's so stressful-but sometimes I do forget about my mom and aunt being dead. I guess I've done what has to be done in my case-which is practicing dissociation...jsut makeing it go away so I can function. I'm the only source of income-my diabetic husband is too sick to work and still remains too whatever to go on disability-it's awful. It makes it worse for me because I have to make sure we are insured and can stay where we live. Oh well-tomorrow is Friday

I think nightmares are something we live with-and especially after losing someone close to us. I've had night terrors since I was a little kid-and I still wake up screaming often. I don't remember them all-but I know I've been scared by a dream-wake up anxious and breathing hard. I don't know if mine will ever go away-but if your not use to them-they can be very very scarey. I'm sorry for the terror you had. I'm glad Smokey is with you-that's a good thing.

From Penny Layne I think part of the trouble with my husband is he has been a diabetic since he was 10 years old. He is now 55-amazing that he's gotten to this age. He is very very sick-lots of stuff wrong with him-has very hard time controlling his sugar levels-somedays he is so high that the meter cannot read what it is-and the meter goes to 500!!!! he has lots of reactions too. He's what they call a brittle diabetic. So, I think in some ways he is scared of the topic of death. Deos not want to talk about it or feel anything about it-he really is cheating time. His doctors gave him a time line of 45-not to live really past that. By the grace of God, he has. I'm afraid all the time that he will just die-I could not stand that! We also have a furball named Zeek who is pretty sick-but we won't put him down until he can't eat anymore. It's so hard with animals too. You love them in a different way than people, but it's an intense love and the grief is also intense. I think every city has as grieving group-some of the hospices do-I haven't tried to get into one..too overwhelmed with work and just having to do everything.

Thanks eeryone for your helpful words. I am still really out of it-skipping time (loosing it) feeling heavy and sad-confused alot-just like I'm on some different planet. My husband is really no support either. He just thinks get over it! She's dead and we are alive. His parent are still living-and he does not have the relationship I had with my mom with either one of them. Most people just don't know how to deal with it-except those who have lost someone or an animal. And it differs regarding the depth of love.

Im so sorry about the ansiety attacks. I have had panic attacks and depression most of my life-I have been on medication to help both of them for years. But I must say that when my mom died a month ago-then my aunt died last night-it's gotten bad again. I am use to it by now-but it makes me tired and shaky. See a doctor-they can relly help.

My aunt-who lived in boston-went for a walk a week ago Monday-she never returned home. My sister got involved with the police-they ran an article on her-4 1/2 days later she was discovered at the old building she had lived at-now a condemed building ready for reconstruction-by the contractor who decided to stop by on a Friday to 'check the place out' and discovered her. She had fallen down the cellar stairs-spent 4 1/2 days there with a broken hip and shoulder-hands raw with trying to get herslf out of there-temp 87 degrees. They operated on her last Friday-but by Monday she was on a respirator-had pneumonia and huge infection spreading from a bowel infection. IMy mom died of pancreatic cancer a month ago. Although I didn't know my aunt well at all-I feel so bad. I'm eing told I should not feel anything. My wonderful sister is taking care of getting her to a funeral home and having her creamated. I still am greiving my om's deeath-and feel really mad at how my aunt died. I'm also mad that I'm expected to 'get over all of it'.

I think one of the hardest parts is feel like noone knows what I am talking about!!!!!! I mean-other people have had losses-but I can't seem to connect with the people around me. One of my girrlfriends lost her mother last year-but the relationship was not like they were friends. I called my mom every morning-so I start to pick up the phone in the am. Work is one of the hardest places. No one wants to hear about it-talk about it-or even say they were sorry about it. It ws like being in a vaccuum. My boss did call me a couple of times when I was up and waiting for the funeral to happen...but once I came back into the office it was "My mother died to and I went right back to work". I guess some people just act really different to loss.

Thank you so much for your kindness. I didn't do anything for her birthday-I jsut remained very sad. Part of the trouble is I have to pretend all day at work that nothing is wrong. But I keep making mistakes-don't know how they happened! It's like skipping time for a little bit. And now I am beginning to feel the anger-it just covers the fear. I still cry each morning.

Thank you for your understanding. I've los pets and felt like it was the end of the world, but have always gotten new ones to bring back life into the apartment. But that's not going to happen with my mom. It was so hard yesterday-being that was her birthday date-it just bought back all of the memories of being with her when she died. Pancreatic cancer just eats up people-it did that to my mom. I was holding her hand when she died. I think I'll neer get back to whatever is normal. Still having a hard time breathing-walking very slow-depressed-not fun.

I can't believe it's only been a month and a half since my mom died. I have had great trouble at work-noone cares if your mom dies or not here-it's not good if it interferes with work. It's the get over it and move on attitude. I feel very very bad today.

My mom looked like somone else. Her eyes were already rolled up-Her mouth was open in an O shape-kept putting water around her lips and toung so she wuld not feel dry. I was sitting next to her holding her hand-one of the hospice nurses was reading to her an article that had been put in the front page of the city's paper abuot just how much she had done with her life-and at the end of the story I saw my mother smile-I thought I was crazy! Then she kept smiling and stopped breathing-and her soul lifted up-gone to the eye-butshe felt like she ws in the room for a short time and then she was gone. Just writing this makes me cry. I live in a big city-the day before she died I just did not go to work-booked airline tickets to go up there-something told me I had to be there. Now know why.

I have been looking through the topics and maybe it's just to have someplace to talk about my grief. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September-went into hospice the end of December 2005 and died February 4, 2006. I was with her when she took her last breath. Her visual was no loner that of any living person-she looked like she was dead before the actual event. I cry every morning-feel really lonly-I talked with her for over 15 years every moring. We became friends over the years. I feel like there is noone can really talk with-I feel like a burden. I walk with my head down and I live in a very big city. Watching someone die is a very unique experience-down to seeing a soul lift right out of the person. I feel like that is a crazy statement but it is true. She was even smiling! Does this happen to others?