MichA

Hi, I lost my mom almost exactly 6 months ago... For me the first 3 months were the most difficult - not that it's easy now, but now sometimes when i think of her i smile and sometimes i cry. It depends on the day and the moment and what is happening. I can say that i started writing my mom a letter, as if i was talking to her about anything i wanted to talk to her about. At first it was about her death and the circumstances, and now it's mostly normal things that we would talk about all the time. I do find it helpful, although she's not there to answer, i feel like she knows what's happening. Always remember to take care of yourself, Michelle

Thank you for your kind words. Writing and saying my mom's eulogy was difficult, but it was really important to me and somehow i knew i'd be okay that day. I worried more about breaking down as MC on Saturday than I did for the eulogy. I was okay - being MC worked out great. I was so caught up in the moments of happiness and celebrating my cousin's wedding that everything went very well! My Grandma (mom's mom) and my aunt (mom's sister) and I had some tears and talked about her later in the night once all the speeches were over. We cried a few times later and so it was hard and i missed her lots, but it was so nice to have my dad and my mom's family there missing her with me. I so love being around people who like talking about her and who think it's still okay to cry. I felt like we celebrated the happpiness of the occasion and those of us closest to her also took some moments to remember her. Michelle

I was glued to the TV for the two hours, I think they did a great job of showing how different people can be too! Good for others to see and also for us - or at least those of us who wonder sometimes if they are grieving "normally". There really is no normal.

I don’t even know how to describe how I’m feeling. I should share at least with my husband but I haven’t been able to yet (and I usually tell him everything). We got married last August and at that point my mom was well, as a matter of fact just one month before our wedding, the oncologist was very pleased with her scans and told us she was “practically in remission”. Less than 8 months after the wedding she was gone…. So tomorrow is my cousin’s wedding – I’m really close with my cousin, but I KNOW it’s gonna be hard on me – I’m so very grateful my mom was at our wedding and that she was well enough to enjoy it and that I have those wonderful memories of her, but tomorrow is gonna be difficult. My dad is staying with us Saturday night and so is my mom’s sister, which is great! I’m sure we’ll all be celebrating my cousins’ wedding yet hurting at the same time. Oh yeah, and I agreed to be MC at the wedding with another cousin… when she asked I didn’t even consider saying no, but now I’m sort of wondering if I’ll be okay – I think so – I said the eulogy at my mom’s funeral and was okay…. It’s just bringing back so many Happy memories and the reality that they will never be again – not happy memories that include my mom. I want to go get my hair done with my mom and I want to show her my dress. And most of all, I want to tell her I’m expecting for April… Michelle

Wow, i've been worrying about the exact same things - except there isn't a new woman and this will be the first thanksgiving and christmas without my mom. And her birthday is in the middle. It's hard to even think about but i'm hoping we make a very special toast to her. I was thinking maybe we'd do things a little different but that it was still important to have the family together. I think even if there are additions to the 'family' our moms want us to celebrate these occasions as difficult as it might be.

Thank you for your replies, AnnieO that is exactly what i mean... one day i'm at a place or doing something we previously did together and i smile and think about her and other times it's the exact same thing and it almost makes me nauseous it grabs me so hard... Laurieb, i have not met with a grief counselor, a few months ago my husband tried to find one but was unsuccessful and since then i have been doing better. I do my best to take care of myself, but i am also trying to watch over my dad as he is very lonely. We try to visit him regularly and we definitely talk about my mom which is nice because most people get very uncomfortable as soon as i mention her name or say something about her. They generally change the subject very quickly. Michelle

Why is it that i think of my mom every single day, but some days and some moments, the grief just grabs hold of me.... Is that normal? Some days i feel okay and some days i swear my heart physically hurts with grief.. It's been 5.5 months. Michelle

Hi Tara, I'm so sorry for you loss. I don't have experience with an estranged parent, but lost my mom to cancer 5 months ago. One thing that helped me a little was writing a letter to her. I know what you mean about friends, i want to talk about my mom, but when i bring up the subject it makes many people uncomfortable. Feel free to talk here. You also should be good to yourself, you are going through a very difficult time so if things take a little more time or you can't do everything you normally could, remember it's okay. Remember you spent time with him and you were there for him and that is what is important. Take care of yourself Michelle

I haven't posted in while, but I've been lurking around. I found out i'm pregnant - which is VERY good news, only wish i could tell my mom. If all goes well (and i hope and pray all goes well..) I am due 2 days after the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing. I'm not sure if that is actually good or bad, but i think it will make a very difficult time that i was dreading into a happy time to celebrate. And i FINALLY got to dream about my mom, it's been almost five months and i just wanted to dream about her so i could talk to her that entire time - and i did last week - i got to tell her (in my dream) i was pregant and she was so so happy!! We're not sharing the news yet, i'm only about 8 weeks along but i thought i'd share my happy news here. It's happy news but at the same time it really has me missing her, i always imagined she'd talk me through things and be there to help out after the birth so it's difficult but good. Michelle

Hi Josie, I understand how you feel, my mom had cancer we thought she was beating it, suddenly she just deteriorated although it was weeks not days. I don't have children yet and feel the same sadness about that. What i can say to you is be good to yourself, take a day and do whatever you want! I spent one day just watching TV, then i started writing my mom a letter - everything i want to tell her. Her letter is getting longer and longer and i don't know what i'll do with it but it 'helps' as much as anything can right now. It's hard, we miss our moms and nobody is the same as your mom. I have times where i just look at a picture and cry then i have times where i know my mom wants me to be happy and live my life - trying to find a good balance because i will miss her forever but i have to go on. Just remember be good to yourself and remember you are not alone, there are others who understand. Take care Michelle

Hi Joan, I know what you mean, I always say i'm OK too, and then get asked - just OK? and i say yes, just Ok. I think it doesn't matter how much time we got to spend with them, we always wish there was more. I'll continue to be just Ok, until hopefully one day i'll be good. I did go get the book motherless daughters referred to above and although i just started, it definitely validates some of my feelings that i thought were mine alone. Take care Michelle

Rosanne, I still have my dad, but am very close to my parents and you just expressed in words exactly how i feel but have been unable to say or write. Except i am the youngest of their 3 kids but still the responsible one who has to get all the paperwork done, make the phone calls and the one who is watching out for my dad etc. etc. I too feel like nobody knows the feeling i have but you described it perfectly. You are in my thoughts and I understand how difficult this is. Michelle

I can't even imagine coping with the loss of both parents. I'm having plenty of difficult moments dealing with the loss of my mom and 2 years between losses is such a short period of time. I hope you're doing okay!

Well, we made it through the weekend. It was hard but we made it. We had beautiful weather out here and picked out some flowers (my mom's favourites of course) got them all planted. Then we had a great meal and toasted to her. Before my mom got sick my husband and i would go out to visit my parents and we'd always play cards, well at 3 not so easy to play cards, so we played trivial pursuit. It was fun - not the same as it will never be the same, but it was fun. I feel tired and definitely not like i used to be, but the intense sadness from last week has dissipated a little. In my office i at least have the door open today so people can come by and say hello. A little sun sure was helpful Michelle

Thank you for your kind words. I have tried to talk to her a couple times, but it definitely is not the same. I got through mother's day by more or less pretending it was just another day but this anniversary is big and it's been a hard week for my dad too. Michelle