I am out of my mind with grief and sadness. Kiley, my 12 year old lab mix, had a seizure at 5pm last Tuesday night. She was terrified afterwards and dazed. We called the vet who said to bring her in the next day, but if she had another, to bring her in right away. We had to leave the house for 20 minutes to buy my step-son a birthday present (his birthday was the next day) and when we got back it was obvious she had had another one while we were gone. My god, she must gave been so scared. How could I have left her alone? Within 10 minutes, she had a third one. We called the emergency vet and brought her in right away. I sat in the back of the van with her, holding her and in complete shock. The vet told us she waqs 90% sure it was a brain tumor that was growing. Our options were to put her on phenobarbitol to try to stop the seizures, or euthanasia. After some discussion we decided we couldn't take the chance of allowing her to go through another of those violent seziures. I can barely write this out. The vet brought us to a room and Kiley came in and immediately started another seizure, this time with gnashing of the teeth. I waited until the seizure was over to tell the vet to start the meds. I cradled her head and told her she was a very good girl while she died. I have not stopped crying for longer than 20 minutes for the last 5 days. I am devastated. I loved her so much that I do not beleive there are words in the english language strong enough to use. My baby, the light of my life, my soulmate, my helper, my confidant, is gone. I sit and shake for at least half the day and spend the rest crying. Did I make the right choice? I have begged her to come to me in my dreams to let me know she's ok but she hasn't come, but then I don't sleep anymore so maybe she just hasn't had the chance to. I want her back. I don't want to live the rest of my life without her. I cannot believe she's gone. I cannot let her go. I don't WANT to let her go! I am a shuddering wreck. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop NOT seeing her. I can't even look in the front yard because she was always there watching the kids play. I can't go into the garage because she liked to lie on the floor. I can't go in the backyard because that's where she had her first seizure. I am going completely insane with this sadness and emptiness. I am so sorry for all of the times I yelled at her or didn't take her on a walk or accidentally bumped into her and made her cry. She made my life complete and now I am destroyed. My husband must think I'm nuts. My children - I can't take care of them. I look at them and see right through them. People say it gets better but it still feels like it happend 5 minutes ago. I must have thought I'd go on with her forever, even though I know that's impossible, because I feel blindsided and really just betrayed by life.
