MissingChris

Carah, I thought I would add to what you wrote. My Chris also collected things, & I find myself seeing eagles & wanting to buy them for him. Little things like driving by the Big & Tall store that he always shopped at makes me cry (My Chris was 6 ft 8, and he always complained about finding pants that fit!). He was also cremated, & I have the urn in the bedroom. Sometimes I find it comforting because he is with me. Other times, I want to cry. I had a very difficult time sleeping (I am an insomniac to start with, but it got worse after Chris got sick, and even worse after he passed) & I bought new bedroom furniture (a set that he and I had looked into buying after I graduated from nursing school, but never got the chance to buy together) & now I actually sleep a little better. Some people need to keep everything as it was before they lost their loved one, others need to change things, and some (like me) need to change things but still keep part of their loved one in the setting (which is why I got the furniture we had chosen, but hadn't bought). You have to do what is right for you, not what people say is "what you are supposed to do/not do". We are both dealing with everything on the exact same time schedule, but what works for me may not work for you. Just keep posting & venting & talking to everyone here, which is what I am doing. I have found that, even though it has only been 3 weeks tomorrow, reading what others say does help! These people are wonderful, & have lots of good advice. You just have to decide what is right for you in order to deal with your grief & allow you to heal & be there for your son. Chris & I didn't have children together, but he has a 15 year old son from his first marriage, & while he doesn't live with me, he knows I am always there for him. And my four adult children all considered Chris to be their dad, so they are dealing with the loss of a parent, & worry about me a lot! Just be there for your son & let him know that you are ready to talk if he needs to. Terre

Thank you everyone for your comments & words of support. I am very glad I joined this group, because I really needed to talk with people who have been through the same kind of loss I have. A special comment to Carah...we both lost our Chris's on the same day, and we are both starting on trying to live our lives without our soulmates. I don't mind you identifying with me, because I found myself identifying with a lot of the people on this forum. That day will forever be a sad day in our lives. My Chris died the day before my (our) daughter Rachael's 21st birthday, & I am hoping that she doesn't always think of her birthday with the memory of her father's death (he was her stepfather, but to her, he was Dad). On a side note, I got a kitten on Monday, & I named him "Cuda", which was the nickname that Chris' friends gave him (he loved classic cars & always wanted a 1972 426 Hemi Cuda). He has already adopted me as his mom, & I think Chris is enjoying watching us! He is probably laughing now, because he always said that I would end up being the "crazy cat lady"...we already have two cats! I also got a tattoo a week after he passed. He had always wanted a tattoo of an eagle, but was afraid of needles (kind of ironic, considering the number of needles he had to deal with in the hospital!). So my sons talked to their friend, who is a tattoo artist, and got me my tattoo. My oldest son Robert designed it and it's very special to me, because I feel like I have him with me all the time. It says "soaring with angels" because I believe that is where he is now. It actually brought me comfort in some ways. Terre

I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, & my best friend all in the same day when my husband Chris passed on April 9, 2009 from complications due to acute myelogenous leukemia. I feel like a part of my heart was ripped out. We were married for almost nine wonderful years, & I am so grateful for the time we had, but I am lonely & angry because he was taken from me so young (age 36). I am 14 years older than my husband, & I never thought I would be the one who had to experience the loss of my spouse. Even things like checking the word "widowed" on forms makes me nauseated. I couldn't sleep in our bed, so my boys & my daughter in law helped me to redo our bedroom with new furniture, candles & flowers, so I would have a sanctuary to relax & escape, but I still have trouble sleeping, & I hate silence in the room. The past two years have been a whirlwind of plans, while he worked to put me through nursing school. A month before I graduated, he was diagnosed with AML, and five months later, he lost his battle & my life was turned around. We had so many things we were going to do when I got my degree & license, and now those dreams will never be realized. He was too ill to even come to my graduation, which depressed him very much. I know he was proud of me, & I want to continue to make him proud. I went back to work this past week, but the whole time I was at work, I felt numb & wasn't enjoying my work at all, like I was before he passed & I still had hopes that he would recover, receive his bone marrow transplant, & our lives would continue as we had planned. Now when I am caring for my patients, I have too many reminders of Chris. I am dreading the day that I have a patient pass away, because I am not sure I can handle it. I would love to change the type of nursing I am doing, & work in labor & delivery (my eventual goal), but since I am a new graduate, I have to get a year experience as an RN before I can start working in my desired specialty. I am so afraid that his death will make it so stressful to work with sick adults that I will burn out on the career that I have dreamed about for many years & worked so hard to achieve. My saving grace is my four children from my first marriage, who have been there for me constantly, & our four grandchildren, who can make me laugh in the midst of my grief. We also have wonderful friends who have been trying to help me & be there for me. But we all feel a terrible loss in our lives, and nothing seems right. I realize it's a new loss, & I have a long road ahead before I might possibly feel anywhere near normal again. I try to do things that we used to do together, because I know that is what he would want. But it never seems right, & the things we loved to do start out fun but end up bringing me to tears because I want him there with me doing them, too. I am so lost & so alone. I am sorry for rambling, but I need to get my thoughts out & try to deal with them. As a nurse, I know what we tell our patients' families when they are dealing with the loss of a loved one, but I'm learning that we don't know what helps until we deal with it ourselves, & that dealing with grief is a personal thing. But I need help & advice from others who have been there...something none of my friends or family have experienced. Thank you for any comments or help anyone can give. Terre