timeless

Thank you all for your help. Jake was truly sick. I took him in a week ago Tuesday to find out he had a ruptured appendix. He was hospitalized until last Sunday. I so know Chris is probably angry with me for not taking him in the Sunday he first got sick, but the doctors said it wasn't my fault. He's ok now. They did surgery to remove his appendix and clean out the infection. It doesn't relieve my guilt, but bottom line, he is ok. I finally got a hold of Social Security and had my appointment today. Death benefits have already been applied for and they are sending me the application for benefits for Jake. I don't get any since I work. I picked up Chris's death certificates yesterday and cried all night. I lost it at work this morning too. It's so hard. It's so hard. It's as if I am letting go of him. I don't want to let go! I told my boss's boss (who is doing the life insurance claim for me) that I felt as if the love of my life has been reduced to a piece of paper and a box of ashes. I had to leave his office because I started crying even harder. And Boo, I read your blog on the guilt. I so feel like that right now. Could I have done more? He had a sore throat for a couple of months before ever going to the doctor. Should I have insisted that he go sooner? Would it have made a difference? I know the ENT who did Chris's surgery screwed up big time. I plan on addressing that later when I'm stronger and more able to deal with it. For those who might want to know, the baby kitten is better. My sister (who is a vet tech) got me some antibiotics for her. She's doing well now and I have added another baby....that makes 8 cats. I think I am overcompensating for the loss of my husband, but can't help it. Or maybe it's just some rebellion for him leaving me. He would be livid over so many cats. Not that he didn't love cats, but that's way too many for a small two bedroom apartment. But I am moving before the end of the summer. We planned on moving into a house. I am going to KEEP that plan! For Chris....and me and Jake. Today has been really rough. Lots of crying and missing him. I still feel as if life is not supposed to go on without him. People are starting to go back to normal, their compassion waning. It hurts. It hurts, because they don't understand that my life is still in shreds...and will be for a very long time.

Thanks for all the support. Cobra won't work because Chris was on Social Security/Disability. He was legally blind and not employed. He and Jake both were on state insurance. I will just have to get DES to call me back. I've already called them (last week as a matter of fact) and still not heard from them. I plan on calling Social Security today after I take Jake to the doctor and sit on hold if I have to and notify them. Chris's money already went into the bank, but I'm not touching it in case I have to send it back. I don't want to be in trouble for using it since he is gone now. I am going to call the funeral home and see if they know anything about the death certificates since that is who I ordered them through. I don't think the word "overwhelmed" does justice to the way I feel. No words do.

Not doing well at all today. I have so much to worry about and nothing can be put on a back burner. It's all slamming me in the face, and I just can't take it! Our son is sick, and I am so worried. I don't know whether to take him to the doctor or not. My cats are driving me nuts, and I have a new baby kitten that is sick. My 7 year old cat has hairballs that are out of control. My house hasn't been cleaned, at least not well, since Chris died. I just don't have the energy or desire to do it. The bills are stacking up. I can't get ahold of Social Security. The death certificates have still not come. I think Jake's health insurance has lapsed because of Chris's death. The air conditioner keeps freezng up and it's very hot in the apartment and that's driving my electric bill up. I've done, like, three loads of laundry since Chris passed and only cuz Jake needed school clothes. Works ok, but I missed today because Jake is sick and will mostly likely miss tomorrow too. I can't stop crying no matter what I do. I was not ready for this! I was not ready to be alone and to be a single mom. I am still angry at him for leaving me! I want him back so bad it hurts...all the time. I am sooooooo lost! My mom does the best she can, but there isn't anything she can really do and she's going to need heart surgery soon. My sister works all the time and lives so far away. My boss really doesn't understand that my world has fallen apart and it takes more than an extra week to "take control of my life" as she put it. It's all just too, too much. It doesn't feel as if it's ever going to get easier. Why must I be stuck here with all this? It hurts so much! Why oh why did this have to happen????????

I want to thank everyone so much for your words of encouragement, consolation, advice and the many suggestions. Three weeks today, I lost the love of my life. It still feels as if it were yesterday. On the 'boxing up' some of his things. I went through hell just doing a handful of his clothing to make room for Jake to put some of his away. I don't want to box anything up. I'm afraid to move anything of his, or put it away. It's as if I really am saying good-bye. It's as if I don't care enough about him to keep his things where they are. Does that make any sense? And, yet, here I am, looking around and bawling because so much of him is everywhere. The only thing I got rid of immediately was all the paraphenalia of his sickness. THAT was easy! I feel soooo lonely. Even with people around me. I snapped at my mother yesterday because she didn't texted me to ask how I was doing. I told her I felt abandoned all over again. She felt so bad, but yet, when people do call, I don't really want to talk. Again, such mixed emotions. I did apologize to her. It's not her fault I can't seem to make up my mind what I want, or how I feel. I know many have suggested I talk to Chris as if he were right there. I haven't been able to do that. Not yet. I remember a little journal my grandmother has in her nightstand. It's all letters to her husband, my grandfather, who died on Chris's birthday in 1981. That's how she talked to my grandpa after he died. There are entries in there over several years. My mother got me a small journal to do the same. It's blank. I haven't been able to start it yet. It still hurts so much and I am still angry at him for leaving me. I need him so badly and he's not here to take care of me. And then there is the weight of Chris's decision not to tell his mother that he had passed. He didn't want her there (things had changed between them during his illness) and told me not to tell her when he died. I am so torn between thinking she has a right to know, and following his wishes. I do plan on cutting all ties to his family, including his mother. His family has brought nothing but pure misery to us since...forever. And to top that off, Jake's biological mother is married to Chris's youngest brother. And if they find out he is gone, they will be swooping down here to take everything away from me, including Jake. I will get off my soap box on that one... As silly as it seems, when I first entered my introductory post, I sat there waiting for replies, holding my breath. I was not disappointed. Everyone here has been so kind and caring. My mother and I start group grief counseling next Thursday (exactly a month since Chris left me ) I hope it works. I don't really like talking face to face with strangers about something so intimate as the death of my love. I would go to the one on one counseling that Hospice provides, except the counselor had hours I can't make. Again, thank you all for listening to me ramble. It does help a little to get things off my chest. I did make a doctor's appointment to see if there is something that can be done about my sleeplessness and anxiety.

Thank you so much Terre. I wasn't sure how you would feel, sharing your love's name and date with me. And to lose them both so young. I had 28 years with him, but now it just doesn't feel long enough...not nearly long enough. Cats can be so comforting. I should know, I have 6! The youngest is a bottle baby....Chris's baby. I named him Fisher. Chris's all time favorite thing to do was fish. He was only two days old when I brought him home. (I save abandoned kittens), and took to Chris like glue. He cared for the kitten until he couldn't anymore. Fisher is now four weeks old and is doing wonderfully. I am sure Chris has something to do with that. My Chris didn't mind needles. He 'slept' through his tattoo. I passed out through mine. lol Chris had a dragon tattoo, as do I. He got it to match mine, which now has made mine that much more precious to me. Our older son (18) is having a tattoo put on that says, "Love you dad, 4/9/09". He plans on the same for when it's my turn to leave this earth. Silly, sweet boy.

I am so sorry Phyllis. I have six cats, so can identify. I hope your friend will understand if you are there for her, how very hard it will be for you. That is a sacrifice I don't think I could make right now. Like you, I'm no good for myself, much less someone else, especially if the circumstances are so similar. I am new to the site, but my thoughts are with you and your family (including your cat). I think my 'ear' will be here for everyone that is going through the same grief that I am. Thank you Carah

Terre, I am so sorry for your loss. I do believe I can relate to you most of all because you lost a Chris, on April 9th at a young age. My husband just turned 46 in January. My Chris also had cancer, though it was throat cancer. A terrible, terrible illness. He was in great pain and lost the ability to talk. Chris' nickname was "Sir talks a lot" for a reason. It was agonizing for him. He took his last breath at a hospice unit and it was so fast that I was not there with him. I will regret that forever. I'm not a nurse, though I was pretty skilled after taking care of him for almost a year. He had a trach, peg tube and port, and it was me who had to do all for him. He hated it! He was always so independent. I understand more than you know. My family cares, but will never be able to share the pain and grief that I (and you all) feel. Sometimes, it feels as if it will never get better. I am still dealing with the anger at God for taking him, anger at Chris for leaving me, anger at the world for going on without him. He was supposed to grow old with me. I want him back so bad that it's a physical ache that never goes away. I know, selfish. But he was my life. I am not older than him, as you are, but I met him at a young impressionable tender age of 19 and it was love at first sight. We always believed that we were destined to be together, so I am still confused as to why he is gone? We had plans too, plans that will never happen now. Am I supposed to do them anyway? He made me promise to finish the book I'm writing, but the creativity has gone right out of me. How can you be creative when your heart is in shreds? I'm sorry, I'm probably not being much help to you. It was just such a shock to read the first sentence of your post. It was as if I had written it myself. I told my friend that that the number nine (Chris died 4/9/09 at 9:15 pm) would forever be a bad number for me. She told me that the number nine has the meaning 'the end of all things'. Numerology, or something. She was trying to be helpful, but it just made me sadder. I hope you don't mind me identifying with you. Carah

My name is Carah (timeless) I lost my husband, Chris on April 9, 2009. We have been together almost 28 years. He died of throat cancer. He was diagnosed the end of April 2008. I felt helpless when he was struggling so with the pain and I could not help him; could not FIX it! But now I feel even more helpless. I miss him soooo much! I keep thinking life isn't supposed to go on. I cry unless I can distract myself, and that is hard to do. I have gotten next to no sleep, because I'm afraid to go to bed. That's when I think of him the most and I cry so hard, I can't breath. I know they say you aren't supposed to make any major changes or moves for the first year after losing someone you love, but I can't stand my apartment. He's EVERYWHERE. And every turn of my head makes me cry. Every little thing I see reminds me of him. You don't spend years with someone without accumilating A LOT. He wished to be cremated and his cremations are here in this apartment. I want them here, but I don't either. And when I do get out (and now back to work), things come up and I want to tell him about it, but he's not physically here to tell. I find it hard to describe how I feel. Pain, just lots and lots of pain. My chest hurts all the time. My stomach hurts all the time. I feel so very lost without him. My husband collected things; monkeys, John Wayne memorbilia, etc. Now, I have to forcibly make myself not buy things when I see them for his collections. The first time it happened, I broke down and had to go home. I cried for hours after that. Most of the time, I don't know what to do with myself. Nothing is fun. Everything irritates me. Chris always had the TV on, and do mean always, 24/7. I never turn it on. I can't. And falling apart is not an option for me. We have a 10 year old son. I have to be there for him. He's taking it better than I am. He keeps busy with school, his video games, playing, reading and his TV. Nothing works for me. I just don't know what to do. It hurts so very much. Carah

Talia, Just reading your post set me off on another crying episode. I lost the love of my life only two weeks ago, after a year of painfully struggling with cancer. We were together almost 28 years. Yesterday was my first day back to work without him. He left me a note to read after he died. It says, "When you leave for work in the morning and tell me you will see me later, I will still tell you "I'll be here." When you get home from work and tell me hi sweetie, I will still tell you "Made it, huh?"" It nearly killed me to come home yesterday and not see him sitting on the couch and saying that. We have a 10 year old son, but that doesn't make the pain any less. I know you are expecting your love's baby. My son is not biological. I envy you that little piece of him. Charish that child, for she will always be a part of the man you loved. I know it's cliche to say that I understand how you feel, but I could not have expressed my feelings any better than you did. I don't want to be here without him. I can't stop crying. I am afraid of everything. Chris was the guiding factor in our lives. He always knew what to do, where we were headed, etc. I am so very LOST without him! I can't offer words of comfort, for my pain is too new, but I can empathize. timeless