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sereph

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Everything posted by sereph

  1. thats how i feel, i do want some company but not in places like pubs where its noisy and you have to be cheerful and upbeat. i would prefer to be at home, cup of tea in hand- gotta be tea, with crumpets currently (so very English)- and able to chill out and say what i wish and basicly feel able to cry or get upset or quiet if i want to. i am not in one of those social moods right now. on the plus side i saw the doctor, he got me the number of a free councelling service and i am going to ring them today and see what happens. am glad to see feeling tired is normal, i have been so nackered these last few days, its an effort to do anything. and am sleeping like i will never wake up. yet am still tired when i do get up. but i have eaten in the last 24 hours so thats got to be a good sign. how are you shell?
  2. hey there. i think mabey the sleep thing and having no energy might be common, i have the same thing. i guess it might be because someone who was such a source of energy to you , who inspired you and who you loved, has now gone and you dont know why. no illness you could see, no reason. and it has left you feeling hopeless, like all that energy has just gone too and you dont quite know what to do with yourself. thats just a guess, i am pretty new at all this. i know you might have already heard this and i am sorry if you have but when one person in a partnership dies,, the other will often follow within a few years . no one quite knows why. prehaps thats it. but as for the feeling like you are dieing too, just know that you are not alone. that people care and will help you. i hope that doesnt sound too cliched and patronising, i mean it in a nice way. big love and hugs x
  3. yes, jelousy is pretty mad. am trying not to get angry with him tho, afterall i can get jelous when he gets female attention. thing is, i know he would never do anything and besides, his best friend is a woman, many of his friends are women and he gets on well with them. i dont create problems with that. i dont understand why this is so different. afterall, its not like my friend poses a threat to him. am seeing my doctor this afternoon and hope that will get me somewhere close to councilling- dont know if this happens in America or Canada but in the UK you get it free if your doc sends you. hopefully today will be better than the last week, i really need a day where i feel more 'Up'. yesterday my partner and i went to the pub with a friend for a quick drink. i dont know why but i felt really edgy and was glad when we got home, not because i dont like my friend but because i couldnt concentrate on the conversation and i felt tired and in my own little world. thankfully we were only there a few hours. cheers for the advice Shell, its good to get perspective.
  4. i dont think it matters where you are, the feelings will always be there. better they come out in somewhere familiar than somewhere that you wont know anyone and nothing will be comforting. i am really sorry about your mum, and mabey a trip was a good idea but ultimatly you cant keep running to new places. you must remember your mum is with you and can see you. she isnt in a house or a place but in you. look at the lines of your hands or the shape of your nose. something about you came from her. and she is always going to be with you. she will always love you. i once took a trip to get away from things a few years ago. the moment i left my house i felt better with all that had to be done but ultimatly i missed home. you need the comfort of familiarity, i think. what i mean to say is, your mum is always going to be with you but for your sake i would go home. to somewhere where you can let out some of what is building up inside you. best of luck honey and i hope it all works out.
  5. thank you to both of you. you have given me alot of comfort as yesterday i really wasnt in a good place but your words helped. i think you are right when you say i need to create a way to say good bye, i think i need to finalise things a little more and feel more peaceful. His phone number will be suspended on Monday and even though i know that there is no chance that he will call me or that his family will, i still cant bring myself to erase his number from my cell. its as though it is my last link to him and if it goes, i will loose all contact with him. i realise this isnt rational, but as you said, feeling are'nt. i will erase the number on monday. i really dont wantto do it before then. i found something he wrote for me the other day. we were stage manageing a pantomime over christmas together and it wasnt really the best show to watch once,let alone 74 times as we had to! so he wrote out some alternative versions of the songs to cheer me up one day. i have put the paper in a drawer where i keep special things and i know i will never throw it away. i found myself holding the paper as if it brought me closer to him. i even smelled it to see if there was any trace of his scent on it- there wasnt but no one was looking so i didnt seem too crazy! you said i feel like i am not included by his family due to their attitude over the funeral. i do. i dont know if there was a funeral even, i did ask but was rather abruptly told it was 'a family affair' and recieved no reply other than that. i understand that they are grieving too but i do think that their answer could have been a little better, a little softer. somehow it made me feel as though they didnt like me although i know this is paranoia. i keep feeling as though i need to talk to someone who knew him but that isnt possible. none of my friends or my partner ever met him, i am only in contact with one person who knew him from that time, and i would feel wrong talking to her about it- she was lovely but it doesnt seem right to ring or txt someone out of the blue and say 'hi, i am upset cos this guy died, help me talk about him'. i cant talk to my partner as he didnt have very good feelings towards my friend- for obvious reasons- and altthough he has tried to be supportive and ask if i am alright, i can see it makes him uncomfortable and tense, that he doesnt want to hear about our friendship. i can understand this but it doesnt encourage me to share with him and i have always thought i should be able to talk to him about whats bothering me. the other night he asked me if Darren hadnt been dieing would i have run off with him? that he thought i had feelings for him beyond friendship and that it was only that he was sick that stopped us from getting together. i told him that it wasnt true , that i wouldnt have done that and that it was him (my partner) that i love but he just turned over and told me to go to sleep and wouldnt speak about it. the next morning he said he was sorry he was pissed off but he hasnt said anything more about it, not that he doesnt think it anymore and i know that he belives that Darren and i would have gotten together. we wouldnt. i loved Darren very much but not in that way. i was able to talk to him, he made me feel less isolated and able to share feelings that i dont even acknowlage but nothing more. i feel scared about adressing this. i dont want to lose my partner too. but i feel like not saying anything will hurt us in the end, that he will always doubt me. i was thinking about trying to find out if there was a grief counceller nearby and going to see them. mabey that my doctor could help. i think some kind of structure and impartial person to help me might be of use. do you think this would help? do you think there is anything i can do to talk to my partner about this, reassure him that i love him and him only? also i am sleeping very very deeply indeed, its a struggle to wake up and then when i am awake i have no energy. i am really lethargic and normally i have oodles of energy. also i am not eating. i havent eaten since yesterday and i didnt eat much then. i am just not hungry and even thinking about food seems an effort. thank you for your advice so far, it has helped. just to know i am not alone is a comforting thought. xx
  6. hi. just joined today so hello to everybody first. a friend of mine died on Feb 27. i have been struggling to cope since then. we met only a few months ago when i did some work at the theatre where he was based. we knew one another a very short time and i realise that to some of you who have lost someone you have known for years this may seem so selfish and silly but we really connected and i miss him so much. he was only 26. he had cancer. he told me at xmas he was dieing but then a few weeks ago he told me he had two weeks left. then next thing i heard was that he had passed on. i txted him a few days after he had died and his mother responded telling me he had passed. there wasnt a funeral. if there was one, it was a family only affair. i have no contact with anyone else who knew him. we argued efore he died. he wanted more from me than friendship. he told me i was his fantasy girl, that he cared about me alot and that his last wish was to sleep with me. i said no as i have a long term partner. i hadnt seen him for several weeks before his death. even tho we didnt part angily, and we had said good bye in a manner of speaking, i feel like i am missing a limb. i feel like i hadnt said what i wanted to. i feel cheated of a friendship that mattered to me. even tho i am glad he isnt in pain anymore i feel so unhappy and miss him so much. one moment i am fine, the next i am crying. it makes my partner very unhappy too as he knew my friend wanted more and i dont think he quite understands why i am so upset. i dont understand either. everything reminds me of him. i feel like if i go back to the places that we were together in it will hurt worse than anything. i guess it just comes down to missing my friend. i just need to talk to people who might understand. i dont know what to do.
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