sadwidow

He's HOME now and I'm ok I did my cryin' yesterday Gardening helps me in my way But I'll appreciate some hugs later today Thanks, Boo I also ended up feeling better, as did his sister, when the "box" arrived. (Someone forgot to bring it to the Post Office last week. They found it on a desk when I called, so they drove it out - and hour and a half each way, and they came while I was out gardening.) I brought it in and set it down under his photo on the wall. I also talk to his picture a lot and kiss it occasionally. Now I have to open the box, get the certificates out and begin the next dreaded tasks to close accounts and deal with money issues - a dreaded task anyway... -Karen

Karen here again, I appreciate all the supporting replies to my story. I felt the need to share it and get some virtual hugs. Thanks so much! I will peruse the forum and try to help others over time when I can. Not today. I expect the post office Dude to ring the doorbell today - or Monday... This does seem the week to work in the gardens. They are still full of scrub from winter (and dozens of yellow practice golf balls my hubby lost last season). I love to garden usually and hope I can work and think about only good things this week. I'm later than usual, but the tulips and daffodils are up brightening the yard anyway. I need to get them ready by the Saturday before Memorial Day - when my family and his best friends will help spread the ashes in them. Thanks again EVERYONE here! Karen

Hi, I am lost without my best friend, but coping now. My name is Karen and my husband had a massive cardiac arrest on April 11th. He was at the train station in Chicago with a friend/co-worker from India about to show him "his city". He was eating Popeye's and on his cell with me discussing our evening plans after he'd get home. He never came home. He dropped the phone and passed out. There were enough people there, someone called the EMT's. I hung on my phone listening to the chaos pacing my deck in shock, hoping he was helping someone else. After 3-4 minutes (seemed like 20) his friend picked up the cell phone and told me that my husband just fell over. We hoped the EMT's got there in time. They restarted his heart in the van on the way to the best hospital in Chicago, only a mile or so away. There he was cath'ed (the blockage stented) and cooled with the Arctic Sun protocol. His sister and I got there as soon as we could - we are in suburbs over an hour away. We heard what they did to save him. We had to wait at least 24 hours to warm him and hope he awoke, say "what happened?" and he would have another chance at life. After 72 hours the head of Neurology and 6 more doctors told us that his brain was damaged too much. He had seizures whenever they stopped the strong meds. On that last morning, before they told me, I was STILL HOPEFUL. As he seemed to have his eyes open a bit, looking at me, I explained to him that he had a blockage but it was FIXED and now he just has to wake up and be okay. A tear fell from the corner of his eye and he seemed to be telling me "Goodbye - I'm Sorry to leave you this way". I cry whenever that image comes to mind. I hope it fades soon. Hours later the doctors told me the sad facts and we realized he'd never want to live in a coma on meds hooked up to tubes. We let pallative care take over the next morning after the family all said their goodbyes. He died, again, that afternoon. It was the WORST week of my life. That Saturday people came who knew and loved him. They'd come from near and far, lining the streets, to "celebrate his life". His sister and I knew that would be the way he'd want it. I was so afraid and scatterbrained that I could barely function at first. I know he'd want me to take care and I am. I know he'd want me to continue my routine and do what I need to do, but I am so sad - I don't know if I will ever be happy again. My family (and his) are very supportive and I need them and their hugs. But our home seems so empty. My daughter says I am very strong. I don't know... Crying today. His ashes are on the way. We will scatter them in our gardens on Memorial Day. I know he'd want it that way. I will still love him - every day. I am glad I found this site to tell my story and hope to help you all cope with your losses too, as best I can - and get comfort from you all cuz that seems to be what this site is all about. I do NOT want to share face-to-face. I need privacy in my mourning. But, that's just me. We all must grieve in our own way and in our own time, let ourselves feel pain and cry when we have to. It is part of life, death is, hard as it is to lose those we love. I believe he is here with me every moment, watching, advising, and caring how I cope. He sends me signs, eye twitches when I feel anger and frustration at his passing. Then I found doves kissing and copulating on my deck railing and I think he wants to remind me to think only of the best times of our lives. Look for signs, our loves are angels watching over us and waiting for us in that great beyond. It helps me. I hope this helps you. -Sad Widow