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missing B

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Everything posted by missing B

  1. Shelley, Im sorry to hear you wont be getting to visit with Chelsea this weekend. I know this thread has been going on for awhile and your fear of her passing before you can see her has been with you this whole time. I completely understand your concerns. When my beagle mix started to show his age I worried constantly that he would pass while I wasnt around. I actually ended up having to decide for him when his time came. He was too weak to stand and was having accidents in the house and I knew he was ready, but needed help to let go. 17 years I had him in my life. My sister had an extremely overweight lab that she finally had to help cross the rainbow bridge because he too was having problems getting up and had lots of pain. He was 16. They can surprise us with how strong their will to live can be. Someone asked a page or two back if Chelsea is ill. I didnt see if you had responded to that. If she is still well and getting up and down alright I think you might be taking time away from all the good memories by worrying she will leave before you get to say goodbye. Try and look at it through a dog's eyes. They live for the moment. They dont worry about what tomorrow will bring. they go and enjoy a warm patch of Sun if thats what they feel like doing or chewing on that very yummy toy they found. They find joy in the life they have. It couldnt hurt for us to try and do that too. I hope you get to see her often..and I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get your licence and can visit her as often as you want. And take tons of pictures. So you can "see" her whenever you wish.
  2. Well my father left today for a 5 week trip to France to visit relatives. His aunt is turning 100 next month and he had made these plans to go be there for that last year. I think it really sucks that he is gone. The death certificates just arrived Tuesday. He spent all Wednesday running around trying to get stuff taken care of and get packed to leave. In his haste he ended up doing some things that upset my sister's boyfriend. I tried to talk to him and I hope I helped him see that my dad is who he is and Im 99.98% possitive that he didnt do any of it intentionally. My dad has always been presumptous and at 65 I dont think there is much hope of him changing that now. I agree that what he did do was rude, but its happened. Yes its not going to be the most comfortable situation for my sister's boyfriend for a little while, but he will be moving in a few months. I do know that all of this on top of B dieing (why is it so hard for me to actually use that word?) is just stressing me even more. Im going to have to wait until my father gets back to get the medical examiner's report (again autopsy is just too difficult to say). He never went to get it. I dont know where to go to get it, and I dont know if they would give it to me anyway if I knew who "they" were. Sometimes I wish that my sister's boyfriend would just take off with the baby. I dont really want that to happen, but I feel like Im waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something else horrible to happen. If he disapeared with the baby then I could just grieve the loss of B and my nephew and go on. Not having any garantee that I'll always be able to see him (if my sister were here there wouldnt be any worry about that at all. We fought but we never let an arguement come between her and my son. If she wanted to spend time with him or I needed her to watch him she would do it in a heartbeat even if we werent talking to each other; and I think I can safely say that the same would have been said with me and my nephew), its making me nuts. I want to just gobble him up, but like I said I keep waiting for something to happen..its like the antisipation of ripping off a bandaid. I just know its going to hurt if I do it. I really hate that Ive learned that I have no control over anything. I used to be a very structured person. I worked well with a schedule and planning. I was happy that I knew what to expect was coming next. How do I get back to being able to do that? You cant plan for this. There arent any garantees that Im going to have the same life tomorrow as I do at this moment. I just keep thinking that all the other people I love will disapear. I feel lost without B to talk to.
  3. welcome home. And happy belated birthday. I wish there was a way we could help you decide what to do next. If you think of something let me know cuz I dont know what Im supposed to do either.
  4. Cricket, My sister passed and we were asked what we'd like to do regarding organ donation. Knowing my sister she would have wanted to donate, but being that she was only 32 we had never talked about it specifically. She was just the sort that wanted to help everyone she met. So we agreed to it. Your father had made his decision clear prior to his passing so you didnt have to guess what he wanted. I dont know what donations my sister made. You do know that your father has helped burn victims and others with bone marrow. Maybe as time passes that will be a possitive memory for you that your father lives on in other people and gets to be part of their joys and life experiences, that those people wouldnt have had without your dad's help. being that Ive only been on this road for a week or so longer than you I dont know how else to help comfort you besides telling you we arent alone in all of this. The angry, sad, lost feelings I have had I am pretty sure have been felt by everyone that comes to this forum. The awful thoughts that pass through my mind and nearly out of my mouth at times arent any surpise to those that have walked ahead of us on this journey. There are lots of fantastic people here with so much understanding. Really try not to beat yourself up over the feelings you have. Like Leeann said its what you need to be doing. They are just your natural way of working through what your experiencing. (((hugs)))
  5. I know my situation is a little different, but I wanted to share too. I was planning to start working out with B after the 6 weeks had passed from her c-section. We'd take the baby out in the stroller for walks and do stuff at her place maybe some workout videos. We were finally going to have time to go have lunches together. We were going to get to be even closer because we both were mothers now. I always imagined us sitting in the backyard and watching the kids run through the sprinklers and as time passed we would complain about how the kids were driving us crazy. She was the one that was going to physically care for our dad as he aged and needed it. She was much more "hands on" with that than I ever will be. We were going to all go camping which we enjoyed doing in the summers and introduce her son to the great outdoors. Trips to Disneyland...heck just watching her hold her baby she wanted so badly was something I was looking forward to. well my nephew is calling for his next feeding. This has got to get to be less painful..right?
  6. Hope you have a happy birthday Kath.

  7. Rachel, You found a great place to come visit. I definately dont feel so alone in all of this because of the wonderful folks that post. Its been 6 weeks since my sister died suddenly and I echo your's and Michelle's feelings about her coming through the door. I, too, feel like she is just on vacation and forgot to take her phone. So far there have been some days I make it through alright, and some, like today, where everything makes me miss her. Hopefully as time passes you have more days where you smile when you think of your mother and less times crying when you do. So far thats what Im shooting for, I still dont see how her not being here will ever get easier. Keep coming back and post when you need to. Or just read some threads and remember you arent quite as alone as you feel. ((((hugs))))
  8. Its so hard to know the "right" thing to say when someone experiences a loss. I think that is why so many people seem to discredit whats happened. They just dont understand and trying to be helpful either say the wrong thing or say nothing. Try not to think that you are alone though. I miscarried 3 times. I did manage to have my one miracle after the first loss and like Kayc said, if I had carried the first to term I wouldnt have had my wonderful boy I have now. All these things might happen for some reason. Thinking that now doesnt make it any better, I understand. After my last miscarriage I went into a very deep depression. I look back and I hate myself for not getting help sooner. I lost so much time because my grief was far too overwhelming. My best advice is to make sure you talk with your doctor. Try to go to counciling. Get outside and keep yourself active doing something you can find some enjoyment in. You have to keep going. We all do. You owe it to yourself and to your husband to take care of each other. And keep talking to people. In the short amount of time since my sister's death just coming here and posting a couple times, and talking with my very few close girlfriends, I dont feel so alone. Your experience is unique to you, but sharing your feelings with people who care about you will hopefully help. Maybe you can bring other people closer to Ryan by talking about him with them. big (((((hugs)))))
  9. I have an interesting perspective on the passing time. My sister passed 5 weeks ago today. Her son is 5 weeks old. I went with his father to his one month pediatricians appointment. He has gained over 3 pounds since he was born (7 wks premature). I know a month in this whole process of learning how to live without her isnt much. But, I have to keep stepping forward because each day that goes by without her this little boy gets one day older. He is going to need someone to tell him about his mother. Who better than me? but.. Marsha mentioned forgetting things. I too feel panicy that I wont be able to recall things about her as time goes on. I have forgotten her voice. I actually tried to call her cell so I could hear it, but her cell service has already been canceled. I need to find a video of her somewhere. I have a hard time picturing her face in my mind. She had gotten so heavy with the pregnancy she didnt look like herself. I keep looking at pictures but my brain doesnt seem to want to accept that the face I keep seeing in those photos is her, but it refuses to acknowledge the images of her recently too. Its like my mind is erasing her. That is a very frightening thought. Chai, I actually wish I could stop time too. Heck, a time machine to go back about 11 months ago would be awesome (I'll let you all borrow it when Im done). Maybe I could get her to listen to me and get in better shape and take care of herself before she gets pregnant. Who the heck am I kidding? She didnt listen to me the first time around. She was so stuborn. There is no way, even if I could manipulate space and time, I could have ever changed her mind and I would end up back here. But, freezing time right now, not going forward without her, that would be great. Anyway, I kind of envy those of you that just have the calendar to remind you of the time that has come after. I get to actually watch the time from when my sister left me grow up. I think I might start writing my sister letters. That is a good idea, Chai. Thanks.
  10. Thanks Leeann. I knew that I needed to find other people that have felt this kind of loss. My friends and family members have had different losses in their lives, but this sure does seem to take the cake. It is so heart wrenching that she is gone. She was always right with me. Ive been looking through pictures and I never noticed it before but in our childhood photos she was standing right next to me or just behind me in so many of them. We are slowly going through her things. I found a box of photos she had and I wish I had been more involved with her after I went to college. She had pictures of so many places and things I didnt recognise. Mixed in with those she had photos of us together and my husband and son. It made me think how much she loved us. It also made me think that I didnt appreciate her enough. I took her for granted. and I feel awful for that. Im sitting here typing one handed as I hold my new nephew, who looks so much like her. I was supposed to get to be closer to her after he arrived. She would come over after her nightshifts right after I had had my son and hold him for me so I could go shower (silly new mom I was). I was supposed to get to do the same thing for her now. I was supposed to be able to tell her all the best (my) ways to take care of him. I was supposed to get to argue with her over it all and still be able to hug each other and go home and see each other the next day and have lunch. So many supposed to's. I guess I figured I had lots of time left to take care of those.
  11. I had a huge story about what happened to my baby sister (she was 32 Im 34) typed out but due to the awful situation sourounding her death (directly related to childbirth) Im afraid to post it for fear that someone might find what I wrote and misconstrue my intentions from my words. I really need an outlet for all of these emotions but I feel like Im so alone in it all. She was my only sibling. The only person that I could talk to about something like this. How is that possible? The person that I could tell everything to, the one that HAD to love me no matter how stupid what I said came out, is gone? How is it she is the one person I could talk to about losing someone close and then I would feel better and she isnt here to talk to about it? Im sure this makes no sense at all. Heck I can hardly see what Im typing either. Stupid tears come at the worst times. I feel like I have to be strong for my father, I feel like I have to bend over backwards for her boyfriend. I dont feel like Im getting to be myself and do or say the things I am thinking because I have to take care of everyone and everything, play nice. I shouldnt be mad at anyone because the one person I want to be mad at and yell at for doing this to me isnt here. If I spoke my mind I'd probably make the whole awful situation worse. So I sit. Huddled in a chair. Crying my eyes out for the huge hole in me. The huge hole in my life. Not having the one person here that could help me through this.
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