jack's mom

Hi JonKois Mom, Thanks for responding. It's nice to hear from people who are experiencing similar feelings. I'm sorry for the loss of your sons, Jon and Noah. That is more than a mother should have to bear. I can understand your wanting details on what happened to Jon. I've wondered what happened to Jack from the time the first responders arrived on the scene and the time he was pronounced dead at 11:28 pm. There was only twelve minutes between the two and the rescue team was there within a couple of minutes of the accident being called in. I've thought of goind to visit the rescue station, but don't think I could get through it without breaking down. My husband and I just went to see the car a month ago. Strangley, I wasn't shocked by it as it was exactly as I had seen it in my dreams. Another odd thing is that the night Jack was killed, I became very sick to my stomach around that time. We weren't notified of the accident and his death until 6am the next morning. We were given some new details by the commonwealth's attorney three months after the accident that Jack was still alive when the responders first arrived on the scene. I found this very upsetting, but I do think it's good to have as many details as possible. Maybe they're given to us in small doses because that's all we can handle. Take care and God bless you. Jack's mom

Hi Marty, Thank you for the book recommendation and the website links. I ordered the book after reading about it, and spent some some on thegriefblog.com. I don't know if this is strange, but I have so many friends who offer support but I find it difficult to seek out support from most of them. I don't know if it's because I don't think they can relate to how raw the feelings are still or what the problem is. Sometimes I don't want to get together with my friends because I'm truthfully not very interested in normal conversation and if I did talk about what's on my mind, which is Jack, it wouldn't exactly make for good party/dinner talk. I don't know how to deal with this aspect. The main person I talk to is my husband, but even there we are feeling different things at different times. I guess with my friends and even my family, I don't want to bring them down and I don't want them worrying about me. I appreciate the different avenues you presented for sharing my feelings. Thanks, Jack's mom

My son, Jack, died 7 1/2 months ago on December 28, 2008. He died instantly when the car he was a passenger in slammed into a tree. The driver was drunk and speeding. My son had just turned 20 four days before the accident. Ironically, my son didn't go out that often and when he did he drove 99% of the time. I still can't believe this has happened and that he is gone forever. We are a close knit family (we have two other children 18 and 10) and Jack's absence is felt so deeply by all of us. Nothing seems right without him. We went away for a few days last week, and it was hard to be completely happy because he is always on my mind. When I think of him being gone forever my heart starts pounding and I feel like I could be sick, but then I tell myself to take this one step at a time. What will it take for me to accept what has happened?

I, soo, prefer to be alone much of the time or just with my immediate family. My son died in a car accident 5 months ago next week and it just seems to be getting harder and harder. When I'm just with the family, they understand if I start crying out of nowhere (and vice versa) and just put their arms around me or hug me. No words are needed because they know what I'm feeling. With others, they try so hard and I appreciate their efforts, but it's usually a bit uncomfortable for me. As the month markers approach, I get especially upset and unable to function very well. I hope that will get better over time. Jack's Mom

Hi Chad's Mom, I'm so sorry about Chad's accident. It is so difficult to lose a child suddenly. I am still working through Jack's death every day, and I miss him terribly. I hadn't realized how much he did for the family until now; he was the advisor for his siblings, and really helped them through their any issues they were having. At this point (it will be 5 months next week), I still have to convince myself that he is gone and my heart feels like it will drop to my toes. I am getting through the normal day-to-day activities, but not much beyond that. I've found that when I have too much on the schedule I become exhausted and then can't stop crying. I'm trying to keep things on an even keel as much as possible (very difficult with an 18 year old). Our therapist said that grieving takes a lot of energy, and I believe that. It's all consuming. He also said it's about a 2 year process to get to where you can manage your grief; not that you're over it, but you can handle it better. I am still working on the wording for Jack's gravemarker. I can't seem to settle on the perfect words, and I also think I want to continue to have something to do for him. I'm new to this forum, so hopefully you'll receive my response. Take care. Jack's Mom

Dear Farmum, I was searching the web in the hopes of finding a forum where grief could be shared, and I found your post. We, too, lost a son. He was in a car accident on 12/28/2008, 4 days after his 20th birthday and was killed almost instantly. He was our firstborn child, big brother to one brother (who turned 18 the day after the accident) and one sister who is 10 years his junior. They both looked up to him so much, and he made sure to take time out of each day to spend with them. It has been over four months now, but we are still reeling. I could really relate to some of the feelings you described. The desire to see him again and hold him is at times overwhelming. I have frantically gone through his room looking for items that I know he was the last one to touch in the hopes I could feel him or that he would somehow rub off on me. He's barely off my mind for a minute. The why's are just too difficult to contemplate, and there are no answers for them. I try to make everything as normal as possible for his brother and sister because I want them to feel hopeful about their lives, so I grieve and mourn mostly when they are at school and don't have to see me. I don't want to worry them too much. Having solitude and time to think without anyone analyzing what I'm thinking is vital for me right now. My husband and I go to grief counseling weekly and that helps because the counselor can put my thoughts into perspective and keep me from getting too intensely focused on some of the aspects surrounding the circumstances of his death. Jack's brother (the 18 year old) had been planning a trip to Europe after high school graduation and I almost told him I wasn't going to be able to let him go because of my fear of what might happen. Everybody thought that would be a mistake, so we're letting him go as planned. I still have nagging doubts, but I have to let his brother live his life, and I know I can't be in control of all things. Jack's accident occurred 3 miles from our home. As you say, somedays I feel like I'm going to make it then the next day I'm a basket case. The stages of grief don't come in any particular order and they seem to keep going around and around. No two people grieve alike; my husband and I go have the same thoughts but at different times. At times we need to seek solace from other close friends or family members who knew and loved Jack, but are a little more balanced than we are right now. While we have been blessed with many people who care about what we are going through, I cannot take when people try to smother me. I need to make my way through this, in my own time, in my own way. Support is needed and appreciated, but too much seems like pressure to be where they seem to think I should be or where they have incorrectly assessed that I am. I feel terrible for some of my overprotective friends because I have withdrawn from them and I can feel their hurt and concern, but I just can't handle it. Sometimes I write about my feelings in a journal, and I think I'm going to try to start writing about the many wonderful memories. I worry that one day I won't be able to remember him and all that we did vividly. Hope to hear from you.