Thanks for your responses. I'm glad I found this forum, I think it will help me cope. Being able to talk to other people who can relate to what I'm going through will be a huge comfort. I think I will look into finding a councellor or someone to talk to. I haven't in the past, but I think this may be a little too much for me to handle on my own. I've been on a crazy ride of emotions.... it's hard to handle at times. I seem to be fine one day and miserable the next. I just really miss my mom. Life throws all kinds of crazy things at you, and she was the one who I've always been able to go to in times of need. Now she is not here when I need her the most I just can't believe she's gone! With my father having cancer, it was horrible, but we had time to process what was eventually going to happen - even though I think I was in denial. We were able to be with him when he died. He has been gone 3 years on May 29th. When my Grammie passed away 2 years ago in April 2007 (we were very close - she was like my second mother), it was unexpected, but we were also there during her last moments. She was 87 and had a good life, and was ready to go. I've made peace with that, though I still miss her terribly. Mom had always said that it was good that Grammie died the way she did, quickly with no suffering and surrounded by her family. She was very independant and still able to get around on her own quite well, but it had always been a fear of ours that we would come home one day and find her dead.... we would never have known her last moments and she would have died alone. Now, ironically, my mother's biggest fear has become my reality. I will never know her last moments and she died all alone. Even worse she was there for 2 days without us knowing. I wasn't able to see her and have the chance to say goodbye. I have a vivid imagination and can't get those images out of my head. I feel so empty and heartbroken..... and confused. I have so many questions that need to be answered, and the reality is that they may never be answered. Why did this happen to us again? Why Why Why?????