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whoopie

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Everything posted by whoopie

  1. Ann, I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my Dad January 11, of this year. Now I take care of mom. I could feel your pain by just reading your post. I don't have alot of words of wisdom other than taking it one minute, one hour, one day at a time and don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything, or making any major decisions. Just tell them you will get to it, when you can! You are doin the best you can right now, and that's all anyone needs to know. Cry alot, scream alot, whatever ya gotta do to make it thru. Hang in there hon. huggies, whoopie
  2. [/sizeShell, thanks for asking and the grief group went ok, but extremly intense. I had anxiety attacks all day, well actually the week prior, but the day of it was really bad. By the time I got there, I was a wreck. After I got over the initial saying of your name, who died, when and what was their name..I began to feel better. But, I was a blubbering idiot trying to get that out, almost like I couldnt speak. Anyway, jury is still out on the group..will have to wait an see. But, since then I'm still having the axiety. Most of which is because of the Mom issue. Alot of amends have been made over the last 10 years between her and I, mostly her apologing for the way she hurt me. That's not to say, I didnt make amends also, for the years in my 20's especially, when I made them pay, emotionally, for every thing they ever did to me. Some of the abuse at my Mom's hands, was harder to overcome, than the abuse from my Dad. From her the abuse was daily, and it was violent. Now here we are, both of us living under the same roof for the first time since I was 18. All I have wanted to do was run. The truth is, that no matter how many times and ways, someone apologizes..it never erases the memories, and the fears. I have forgiven Mom..but, I've got my guard up. I was in counseling for a lot of years, to get to this point. Now, even though the desire is to be on my own, the reality is quite different. Mom is frail, unstable, and has some medical conditions that make it impossible for me to be on my own. I need to live here, and watch out for her. So, the issue at hand is how to cope, how to be ok with being here. My life as it was in Missouri is pretty much all up in the air. I can't go back there to live right now, but, all of my things are there. And it's not that things can be replaced, it's that I dont want to lose all of what I gained during the 4 years since I left Arizona. I left here to rebuild myself, and I accomplished that. Financially, I don't know how I'm goin to get my things here. I have someone watching my things..my roommate, who also means a lil more than that...or did...has been sorta tending to them, and my dog. I really want my dog. I just don't know what to do, what the answer is..or how to get the answer. I feel so misplaced, during a time that I need to feel secure where I'm living..so I can handle the rest of my life. I know eventually this is all gonna fall in place somehow, someway...I just am impatient to know just how it's gonna work out. Thanks to all who have replied, it helps!! Believe me! whoopie
  3. Shubom, First of all huge hugs for you!! I can so relate to everything that's been said in here. I can so relate, on so many different levels. I just lost my Dad January 11th of this year. Seems like my real friends are those that I have just met, or they belong to my Mom. I had a life established somewhere else, when Dad got sick. And the life I built over the last 4 years, was not as stable and supportive and loving, like I thought. So, not only am I having to move back in to help my Mom, I also am losing that relationship as well. There is no understanding of what I am goin thru yet the part that really angers me, and hurts me...is that this person supposedly knew me, my emotions and how deep they run, and yet all the support I receive is very superficial phone calls. No..how ya doin hon, or are you doin ok today?? None of that. Instead I get..when are you comin home. Well, how the heck do I know. It's amazing to me, how people can emotionally just check themselves out of a situation. All the sudden it gets a lil rough, emotions are high and fragile, and wammo..they run for the hills. But, like what was said in here...I guess maybe they arent worth the relationship, and the friendship..or the pain I feel towards them right now. And yes, I am goin to my first Grief Support Group meeting tonite...so maybe help is close at hand for me..and whoever else goes to it. Take care, whoopie Ps. Steve, you're awesome!!! Thanks for your words.
  4. Group huggggggggs!!! That runnin away thing is a common feeling that I see many share about on here...maybe we should have a grief cruise!!! So we can eat, talk, share, cry, and maybe have some fun while we are at it!! At least a break from the insanity and lonliness. Well, might never become reality but, it was fun to day dream it for a brief time. Hang in there, I know I'm trying to, whoopie
  5. My grandmother died when i was 7 years old, and to this day I look to her for comfort, advice...or just to say...hey Dallas won the football game. She was an awesome woman, and we made a lot of good memories together. Writing does help, I'm learning that tool myself actually. Keep up the good work, and hang in there!!
  6. Thank you josie and shell. Tonite is my first grief support group meeting and I'm nervous. I also know it will be good for me, cause everyone is telling me that. . I kinda did what you suggested Josie, only I bought mom a dozen of the most gorgeous white/pink dipped roses i've ever seen, along with a card stating that I know we are goin thru a lot right now, so If i'm tucked away in my room, it's only cause I'm doin what I can for me. I also told her that I will be here for her anytime, just to knock on the door. I'm trying to set boundries...but, omgggggggg it's so hard when it's your mom. I have to be very creative with my wording...and when all else fails, bring her flowers..lol. Shell, i'm sorry for what you are goin thru. Ya know, parents didnt come with an owners manual, just like we didnt, but, it's sure hard takin care of them, wonder if it was that hard takin care of us? I know my mom wants to run away from all this, just as much as I do. But, her runnin means goin to God. She just really doesnt want to be on the planet. Not for one more second. Yet, she gets up everyday, goes to lunch, goes to her church and talks to her friends there. It's amazing. I'll be glad when it's like 10 years from now..and all this is done, and I can look back and go..ohhh that's what was supposed to come from all of this. Hang in there everyone..I think the ride has just begun!! whoopie
  7. Thank you all for responding. I've been so desperate to speak the words that I wrote in here, and got a lil manic waitig for a reply from someone, anyone, that would listen. The bonds of a parent and child are such a double edged sword sometimes. I love my mom and fear her all at the same time. Living here, to be with her, I feel as if I'm 13 years old. I have to tell myself constantly.."you're an adult, you can do what you want" "within reason"...it's insane. I knew this was going to happen, if Dad died first. I used to pray that God would take Mom first, because I knew she wouldnt be able to care for herself. My brother has been no help at all during this process. He is a counselor, go figure! He has no clue about this process. He is tending to his life, his family. Well, what about me...I did the same thing and have to move from Missouri. I had a life established there, and all my things including my dog..are there! Why does he get to pick and choose how much this affects him. And believe me I've heard all about the "he's a man, they process things differently". Tough! I've given of my life, my time, my love, and my obligation as a daughter to be here for them. Regardless of what happend in the past, for the simple fact that Dad wasnt the same man I once hated. And it took years for me to discover something that I could be proud of in him. I found several actually, and dwelled on those so that I could have a relationship with him. I remember when he was in the hospital, after his brain surgery(he had a huge tumor none of knew about)...he was talking to one of his nurses and said" this is my daughter..she is the most forgiving person on the planet" then he drifted off to sleep. That was really the only acknowledgment I would ever get, of what he had done. Because he wasnt really ever right, after the surgery. He had a few moments of clarity and that's it. I feel lucky, in the fact that we were friends when he passed. Now he is the lucky one, cause he isnt puttin up with Mom anymore . It's all falling on me, all her moods, all her tears, all her fears, all her anger. Everything she feels, dumps on me. And it should, cause where else is it gonna go. Friends and most family leave after awhile...they don't call as often, the bills and paperwork start to mound up and it's all very overwhelming. And during all of this, honestly..I want to run away...so far and so fast..that nothing touches me. I know the realities of that...but, it would sure be good. Cause even though I know I have to help her thru this...all I want is some time alone, to cope. And to do it without her naggin at me bout my smoking, or whatever she wants to nag me about. Well, my fingers are tired now..and my brain took a rest. Thanks again for the kind words
  8. I guess my post was too long, so no one is responding, i'm sorry...I did sign up for the grief support group..first meeting is on thursday...but, dang I need some help now. Oh well..at least I got to get some of what's on my brain, out of my head.
  9. It's my normal time of night to be awake..Mom is sleeping and this is my time to go nuts at night. I cry, I get scared, I get angry and the very fear of ending up in a corner somewhere playing with my lower lip is a huge possibility. I'm new to this forum, but, not to Hospice of the Valley. My dad was in the one here in phoenix, for almost a month. I moved away from Phoenix about 4 years ago. Away from Mom, and all those skeletons, and from Dad, and those skeletons. I've been thru a lot of hell in my life, mostly imposed from those 2 people, and at the same time I did love them. I left because I could not rebuild my life..no matter how hard I tried. They were there, and in my mind always would be, and they made it almost impossible for me. Last year I sorta made a silent burial of the hatchett with my Mom and Dad, especially Dad because Mom had already said her amends. Dad was gettin older, was having some mind disfunction, been retired for about 10 years, healthy as an ox. He was an engineer, very smart..so teaching him the computer should have been fairly easy. But, it turned out to be impossible. We got along well during my visit..even were lookin forward to when I could make another trip home. I was able to hug him for the first time in many many years..without cringing with disgust. Almost a year later, I get a call from Mom, "you need to come home your father is really ill". I was there the next day. Next thing ya know, we are in the ER, and find out Dad has had a rather huge tumor growin in his brain for quite some time. One month later he is dead. He went thru brain surgery, and when he came out of that, he was never the same and on borrowed time. I stayed with my Dad almost 24/7..making my mom go home at night and take care of herself and that I would take care of him. And I did. It was the illusion we had time to say our goodbyes, but in fact it was just merely torture. I never got my apology. I never got that affirmation of him being such a jerk when I was a young girl. I used to dream about him dying...almost as a prayer. But, the man that disgusted me as a child, was not the same man as the one who was dying in Hospice. I held his hand during his last breath, watched as they took him away, gathered all the stuff we had in his room...and left. That hospice had been my home away from home. It was hard to leave it behind, along with the staff, who got me thru. Now, I'm living with the same woman that used to beat me as a child, and even at my age I fear her. I have to remind myself constantly that I'm an adult, here to help her in this process of grief. Sandwiched inbetween all this, I had surgery in November/05 ...and they didnt do the surgery correctly...so in February I had to have another surgery..was in the hospital for 7 days. Same one Dad was in of course. I'm home now..trying to recover...and deal with my mom, and allllllllllll these thoughts that make no sense, along with a lot of pain physically and emotionally. I also left behind the life that took me 4 years to build. All gone, because my Mom is too fragile to take care of herself, and be by herself. She's never worked a day in her life, and was married to my Dad for 49 years. There arent enough words to explain the crap in my head lately. If I move away from her...so I can cope..then who will take care of her..certainly not my brother..who I call fly by bob, for the amount of time and effort he spent at the hospital. I feel like it's all on me..everything. The guilt is something I'm not able to handle right now. I'm starting to feel all the stress in my body...not just because of surgery(took my last ovary) but, also from my own physical issues. I just wish someone could come in and fix it all..then call me when it's over. Well, I guess I have taken up enough space for now. Any words of wisdom would be great.
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